“I have been reincarnated many times. We both have actually. We have met and fell in love for just as many. The rings we wore, gold, silver, bronze, and at some point. A piece of string when you were too poor to afford it. I stilled loved you.” AU

 

The first time we met her eyes were a beautiful bright blue.

 

She couldn’t have been more than five years old, a wooden, chewed up toy clutched in her little hands. She had worn a toothy grin, didn’t matter that her front teeth were missing and there was a huge gap in between her smile. Her clothes were barely passable as clothes, they were more like dull rags that were discarded after years of use. Her poor dressing did little to dampen the spark of life in her eyes.

 

Whereas I, I was in the ending journey of mine. My body had become frail from the years, bones weary from all that I have been through. My sight wasn’t all the best, but I could see her face so clearly, as if she was an angel sent from heaven sent down to collect my soul when I finally pass. And I believed it for the next few seconds, until she came skipping up to me, her bright blue eyes looking at me in curiosity, probably wondering how an old prune like me still managed to breathe.

 

She was such a darling, asking questions after questions, as if I knew all the answers to the world. I may have grown old but I had still so much I wanted to learn. I was only human and there just wasn’t enough time to know everything. So I answered what I can and admitted defeat when I can’t. I don’t think she really cares much for my answers as she keeps firing away with her questions, even answering some of them herself. I felt that she really only needed the company. The same way a frail old man like me did too.

 

A few days later I never woke up in that old body.

 

I didn’t know what I was feeling when I met her the second time.

 

It was a tough time to be alive, with the threat of the ‘bad air’ spreading far and wide. Miasma we called it back then, our knowledge too narrow to fully understand the concept of microscopic organisms that bring threat to life. All we knew was that death acknowledges not the person’s social status or if they were bad or innocent, young or old. When it came there was no escaping it.

 

I had thought it was the end of the world as I hid away in my prison of posies and herb, wrapped in my black waxen coat to prolong the new life I was given. I looked more like death than a doctor.

 

I had received a summons for aid for the bedridden daughter from a middle-class family, for their only daughter withered away. They had called, in hopes that by some miracle I could cure her ailment. She was lying on her bed, roses and various other flowers I couldn’t identify strewn about the room- to mask the odour of death. When my sights landed on her frail body, I had to force myself from looking away. Blisters had covered what I could see of her exposed skin. The tips of her fingers hand long tuned black and her chest barely expanded as she wheezed feebly for air. One look and I knew it was the end of her time. There was nothing I can do for her.

 

Her eyelids peeled back, just enough so I could see the browns of her irises. A breath catches in my throat and I had to restrain myself from reaching out to her and pulling her in my arms. I know her, a long time ago. I don’t know how, but I just do. And it seems she knows me as well as she drags in a long breath, her fingers shaking when she lifts them a few inches off the bed. I curse my uselessness. Here I am, put in the years to learn how to stitch wounds up and cure common ailments, but at a time I needed to save someone the most, my teachings fail me.

 

I couldn’t do anything for her, except stay by her side as the life drained from her weak body.

 

We meet again, and this time our roles have reversed. My skin is supple, pinkish and delicate, as a woman’s should be. We are in a different country, with people with naturally shorter stature and a language I’ve learned through my years living there. He, on the other hand, he was different, a mixed breed. He was taller, with lighter than average hair and skin. For the first time, we grew up together.

 

I saw him first. He was taller, even as a young boy, so he wasn’t that hard to miss. The spark of recognition in his eyes the moment his eyes met mine gave me the encouragement to walk up to him when the other children avoided him. He didn’t scare me. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, and when that boyish smile bloomed in his face the moment I reached for his hands I knew I wouldn’t be able to find anyone else for me. Meeting thrice in three lifetimes, I can hardly believe it was just a coincidence when they were the only one I could identify even with a different face, a different voice, a different lifetime.

 

By the time we were old enough to fully feel the romantic attraction between us burn us alive it had felt like nothing I have felt before. Through the few scrambled memory I had retained from my previous lives I knew I had married, but I can’t say I felt this need to be with a person as much as I did with him. It was different, in a way that I felt this forceful pull that sent my heart racing and the fluttering in my stomach that send shivers down my spine whenever we so much as brushed skin.

 

He had put a silver band on my finger by the time we were old enough to work. Just two young, dumb kids with a foolish dream of what relationships are really like. And the first time we had laid on the bed, covered in sweat and arousal, it had been intimately sweet and gentle, yet firm and possessive. Everything had felt right with the world and I had believed that this time would be the last life I would ever remember, comfortable with the life I have with him.

 

I was wrong.

 

And I couldn’t be any happier.

 

Life after life, I made a conscious effort to find my soul mate, the one person I was sure I was destined to be with for all of my lives. And they seem to think the same as we always managed to find one another. Sometimes they were older, wiser. Other times they threw caution to the wind and enjoyed their lives fully, daringly. One time, we ended up as uncle and niece. It was the weirdest lifetime yet, but love was love and I still loved her adoringly. I don’t remember much from that lifetime.

 

Memory was a funny thing. We never really could fully remember a full event, just bits and pieces of certain lives. I couldn’t count the times I had proposed marriage. I know they had a few counts under their belt too. But there was a time that struck me deeply. It was at a time when the both of us were struggling with the fall of the economy. It was hard enough to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, but we still worked for our future together. I remember the night he tied a string on my finger, promising to work harder to turn the silly red string into a proper band. We were too poor to afford any sort of luxury but the determined look on his face and the carefully constructed lines, most of which he stuttered through, as he proposed made it so much more meaningful than any ring he could have bought.

 

He had died a few years later and an empty velvet box was what the officers left me with along with his clothes, the last of his possessions.

 

I had followed him a year later.

 

I thought that was the last memory I would ever have of my dear soul mate. After that time we never seem to find one another. As if the world had enough of us and decided to pull us apart. I lived the next couple of lives feeling incomplete as I went through the motions. I never found them again, not even a glimpse, and I had thought that was it for us.

 

That was, until I met her again.

 

She was brunette this time, with a light skin tone, sharp features, and a lithe figure. When her eyes met mine and the recognition sparked in her eyes, it sent my heart plummeting to my gut.

 

There was a weary look in her eyes when we finally came face to face for the first time in so long. I couldn’t blame her. It was a first for me too. The first time we were of the same gender. I didn’t know what to expect and, pushing down my frazzled thoughts, I spoke to her.

 

“I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

 

She stiffly nods her head, still boldly staring right at me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. A few years without each other for support and already we’re beginning to feel like strangers. I won’t lie, I felt completely disappointed with ourselves.

 

“I thought you’ve left without me.” She finally voices out, and my God, how her voice sounds angelic.

 

“I searched for you. For a while back, I honestly did. Never found you though… I thought that last was the end.”

 

She chuckles, pushing her hair behind her ears. The small smile on her face has my heart beating wildly in my chest. No matter how long it’s been it seems that my heart remains the same. I’ve only loved one person for so long it only knows that love. And it hurts, because this time seems like it can’t be.

 

“So, what now?” I scuffed the toes of my shoes on the paved road. I’ve never been this awkward around her. Guess there was a first for everything.

 

“I guess.. we introduce ourselves?”

 

I laugh at that. So many lifetimes, so many introductions.

 

“Jessica Jung.”

 

“You’re American.” I don’t realise that the thought left my lips until her face blossoms into a beautiful smile. She pushes at my shoulder with one hand, her giggles like soft wind chimes, so pleasant to the ears.

 

“I was born in America, so yes. I am American.”

 

I brazenly look her top to toe again. She was shorter than me, slimmer in a way Korean’s think was the perfect body shape, with a little waist and skinny legs. And her heart shaped-face was just perfection, with a small, pert nose, thin lips, and a pair of sharp, almond-shaped eyes. Then again, in my eyes, she was always perfect in whatever form she took. “You really don’t look any sort of American.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “Born to Korean parents. For someone who’s lived a few lives you really aren’t all that smart.”

 

I chuckled at her smart tongue. “Too many lives. I’m as confused as they get.”

 

I always did love her laugh. It made me feel warm hearing the tinkling of her laughter and laughter was a sign that she was comfortable around me. I couldn’t be any more pleased.

 

“You’re still as funny as ever.”

 

I shrug my shoulder. “Well, I’ve always had the best time.. most of my lives.”

 

She clears , lowering her head. I don’t miss the flush on her cheeks but I pretend not to notice.

 

“My name’s Yuri now, by the way.” I offer her my hand. A gesture I vaguely remember being the polite way to introduce one’s self in other countries, though I can’t remember which ones.

 

Her hand slips into mine, so soft, comforting, and achingly familiar.

 

My eyes flick over to the students close to us. My muscles tense when one of them glances over our way and I almost reflexively pull my hand away. I force the nagging thought to the back of my mind. I needed a few more seconds to relish the feeling of her touching me again before reality pulls us apart, again.

 

“I don’t know whether I like this life or not.” She arches a brow, her hands tightening her grip on mine. I return the favour, stepping a little closer. She doesn’t finch or move back, still staring me right in the eyes, a small frown on her beautiful face.

 

“Why?”

 

“I like that I can be with you again… but it seems destiny is still against us.” I don’t like the way her brows furrowed or the lowering of her eyes. She looks way prettier when she was smiling. Her grip becomes lax until her hand has completely gone limp in my hold. I keep my hold firm. Despite what I’ve just said letting her go wasn’t so easily done as said. For over a century I’ve searched for her and now that she’s finally right in front of me again… I really don’t want to let go, afraid I’ll lose her in such a short amount of time. But with everything so against us, what else can I do?

 

“We’ve been in a weirder situation.” she softly muses. She shakes her hand from my own, and not wanting to make her any more frustrated, I let go. Her arms instantly cross loosely over her chest as she stares down our feet. I follow the direction of her gaze, stuffing my useless hands in the pockets of my oversized hoodie. “Do you remember the uncle and niece situation.”

 

“That was weird.” I subconsciously rub the nape of my neck at the faint memory going through my mind. “Don’t really remember much from it.”

 

“You were really fatherly then.” A small smile pulls at her lips, just for a split moment before her smile falls. “I thought you would’ve been a wonderful father.”

 

“Wasn’t I?”

 

“I wouldn’t know. I died early that time.”

 

“Oh..” Must be why I don’t remember it. It would have been too painful to remember losing someone so precious.

 

She moves to rest her back against the wired fence I had been resting on. I follow her example, careful to put a small distance between us. Trying hard not to stare at her I focused my sights on the courtyard in front of us.

 

We’ve come a long way since the first time we’ve met. Maybe it was time we learned to give each other space, is what I’d like to say but I really wasn’t all that keen to throw all of our history away. But I knew I needed to. This country was not very accepting of… different people.

 

“Hey, Jessica,” Her name sounds so foreign in my tongue, it usually always do the first time we meet again. She hums to let me know she’s heard me. I my bottom lip, struggling to formulate my sentences, as if I’ve forgotten how to speak a language I’ve grown up using. “Doesn’t it feel like the world is laughing at us… I mean, it’s so cruel, right? Putting us together then pulling us apart.. like we’re nothing more than dolls.. It’s just so…” The words die in my mouth when I chance a look at her. The stony expression on her face was something I was used to. And when she looks at me, I could just feel the disappointment through her eyes crash onto me like a pile of bricks.

 

“So, what do you really mean to say?” she asks.

 

It takes a whole lot of effort just to raise my shoulders into a shrug. “We go on with our lives…” I forced out, looking at her downcast eyes. “… as friends?”

 

Her lips pursed in thought for a few seconds and my heart beats wildly in my chest at the anticipation of her decision. Finally, she looks up. And I feel my chest squeeze painfully even before the first words leave her lips. Her eyes always were telling, and the hurt and sadness in them were screaming at me.

 

“I don’t want to be friends... It’ll drive me insane.”

 

“Then…” I croak. That is all I can push out now with my mind, my heart, and my soul screaming at me at the same time, making me dizzy.

 

She turns her head slightly, a brow rose in question. Her lips remain curved into a tiny frown. “We go our separate ways.” She says as if it was the most obvious thing. It probably was, but my mind was too far gone to really understand that this was it. She was cutting ties with me while I was still struggling to find ways to somehow keep her by my side.

 

I let out a long breath, one hand coming to comb through my hair. I blink back the tears, pressing my hand against my forehead to stop the world spinning as my chest felt like it was ripping me from the inside out. “I-I.. will you.. be okay with that?”

 

She shakes her head. “I’ll be fine. It’s not like I haven’t lived without you before.”

 

I look at her desperately. There’s nothing more than I want to do but pull her in my arms, cover her entirely with all the love I could provide. Even though I said what I said, I still wanted all of her. No matter what or who she is, I still love her. But with what we are now.. I wouldn’t want to make her life miserable from the entire backlash that’s bound to come. I’ve seen these before. They were never pretty to watch.

 

And Jessica only deserved all the pretty things in this world, even if she doesn’t get it from me.

 

I don’t move from my spot, forcefully tearing my eyes away from her face. The words I wanted to tell her crash against my skull and my chest, wanting to be let out and acknowledged by this lovely being beside me.

 

I love you.

 

I have always loved you.

 

I will always love you.

 

My soul screams for you.

 

My entire being craves for you.

 

I am nothing without you.

 

I see her move from my peripherals. I keep my head down, chin tucked against my chest. I close my eyes, counting down from ten to calm the painfully twisting knot in my chest. When I look up, she had merged with the rest of the students, disappearing from my sights. And for the first time, I understood why people claim of feeling like their heart was being ripped out of their chest.

 

 

 

 

Throughout college, we avoided each other. I would see her smiling and laughing like nothing was wrong, almost always in the centre of a crowd. She always was good at being the centre of attention- she was the centre of my world for so long. Sometimes a guy would have his arms draped over her shoulders and it took a lot of effort in my part not to charge right at them and rip the boy limb from limb. Instead, I forced myself to look away. If I couldn’t see them, it wasn’t happening and so it wasn’t true. It was all I could do not to break like the way my heart was breaking into pieces.

 

Rarely would we cross paths, and in the event we do, her face would go blank as she would either stare right past me, as if I didn’t exist, or pretend to scroll through her phone, even though I could see that she was just going through her home page. If I so much as turn towards her direction she would suddenly make a u-turn and hastily retreat to where she had come from. I never tried again after the third time. I didn’t think I could take another blunt rejection.

 

Years passed and my heart grows weary. I prayed every day for a chance to talk civilly to her once again and not be shunned to silence. I would have rather she screamed at me or curse me to the depths of hell, at least then I would get to hear her speak to me directly. But my prayers go unanswered as we finish our respective course and set to live our lives in the direction we want to. For the first time in a long time, we voluntarily go our separate ways as nothing but strangers.

 

I don’t think she even remembers my name.

 

I am voiceless. I am ashamed. I tell myself it’s for the best, but I know I’m kidding myself and this decision has only brought disappointments and pain for me. But I still had a life to live, and I at least owed it to my loving parents to be the good daughter they raised. Burying the sadness of my loveless life I pushed forward, working, socialising, being the best that I can be.

 

I never forgot though. I don’t think it’s even possible now that I’ve seen her, her image has been ingrained into my mind, so deeply that not even the degenerating of my mind could make me forget her.

 

So, even after the years passed, the moment I see her again, I felt my heart leap to my throat.

 

It was a social event held in a BBQ bar close to my workplace. More than half of the place was jam-packed with just my colleagues making merry. I felt out of place, squeezed in between with people consistently offering another round of drinks. I’ve managed to slip mostly undetected, keeping to the grill so as not to be pushed to drink as much. Nobody wanted burnt food after all.

 

After a while I excused myself, saying that I needed a breath of fresh air. I partially did, partially I just wanted to smoke. It was a bad habit, I know that, but I got started when the stress was too much to bear and someone offered me a stick to help relieve the stress a little bit. I had promised myself that it wouldn’t be a habit. I realise too late that it was difficult to stop.

 

Stepping out to the cold air I dug into my pocket, procuring the box of cigarette and my trusty bic lighter. I lit one, enjoying the menthol cool feeling down my throat and the relaxing feeling it brought about. Before, I always thought it was repugnant, such a filthy thing to put into one’s body. Look at me now, such a hypocrite.

 

I pull another drag, my eyes looking everywhere and nowhere, until they land on one corner and the smoke I inhaled comes out as a short coughing fit. There she was, her expression just as disproving as the last time we met gazes. Overall, she had matured gracefully, her suit prim, pressed and business-like, posture straight and confident, yet relaxed and lazy. She held a glass with just the tips of her fingers, practically dangling at her side.

 

“Jessica..” I croaked, letting the last few coughs out of my system.

 

She remains silent, moving forward and, unexpectedly, offers the glass in her hand. I gratefully take it, not even bothering to know exactly what it was. The cool, refreshing feeling going down my throat somewhat relieves the strain from my choking, and in my haste to gulp down the drink a few drops dribble down my neck.

 

“You smoke now? Tell me, does that make you feel like a badass?” she questions.

 

I lower the glass from my mouth, a little stunned that she decided to finally speak to me.

 

I my dry lips, wondering if I was actually hearing Jessica speaking to me or if it was all a dream. A very nice, yet awkward dream. Her voice sounds exactly the same as the last time I heard her speak, so soft, melodic, angelic.

 

“Are you mute now?” she snaps after a few moments of silence. It’s enough to bring me back to reality. My throat constricts and I’m stunned at the overwhelming feeling rushing over me - the sudden lightheadedness, the constriction in my chest, the feeling that thousands upon thousands of eyes staring at me, judging all my actions. And just as quickly as it came, it left, leaving me blinking dumbly at the emptiness.

 

My gaze drops to the orange glow of my stick. Self-consciously, I drop whatever was left, promptly stomping the light out and fan the smoke away. I don’t want her to smell that disgusting scent.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

She turns to face me, her arms across her chest and her arched brows rose challengingly. “It’s a free country. I can go wherever I want to go.”

 

“Right.” I mutter dumbly, choosing to remain silent. I seem to turn completely stupid whenever I’m in front of her.

 

“Is that all you have to say for yourself?” She scoffs. I only lower my eyes and press my lips into a tight line. That wasn’t all I wanted to say, not after all these years. In fact, I had so many things I wanted to say I couldn’t choose which one to start with and which ones would be pushing it too far. I wouldn’t want to push her away now that she finally decided to speak to me.

 

So, I settle for something simple. “How have you been?” It wasn’t something to fill in for the silence because I am indeed curious. I want to know how she had fared for these past few years, when I wasn’t allowed into her life anymore.

 

She looks at me, that frown and disproving expression sinking my heart deeper into my gut. “Fine… everything’s just.. peachy.” I’m disappointed by the curt, sarcastic reply. She usually had more to say, always finding something to segue and continue our talks. At least, she did. How long ago has it been?

 

It takes some time, but eventually, she does relax her stance, nodding her head my way. “What about you?”

 

I can’t help the smile that pulls at my lips. At least she’s willing to listen to me. “I.. it’s just fine… could’ve been better.” I stare boldly at her. After all these miserable years without her, I have nothing to hide, nothing to lose. She meets my stare dead on, her lower lip pulls back and her chin wrinkles.

 

“You’ve been with anyone?” The question surprises me. Didn’t think I’d ever hear her ask that kind of question this early.. or ever. I quickly give a- slightly doubtful- shake of my head. I’ve tried, sort of. It never really felt right and I end up retreating to myself, breaking it off before it could even start. I knew, deep down, that I would never give anyone the same kind of effort and care I have with her. It would have been so unfair for them when I can’t even give half of the effort.

 

But I also knew it was so unhealthy to pin after someone that probably hated my guts. So, I buried myself in my work. No social life, no problem.

 

“Never felt right.” I lift my shoulders in a half-assed shrug. I was pretty good at giving those. “I worked most of the time, anyway. Don’t really have much of a life outside of work.”

 

“Tell me about it.” She scoffs, a smirk playing at the side of her lips. “But I guess this is better than the last time…”

 

My right hand automatically goes to the ring finger of my left, fiddling at the smooth skin. I could almost feel the silly red string that had bought so much happiness and so much heartache.

 

She must have noticed my fingers as the next thing she does puts my whole system into a state of shock. Her delicate fingers pulled at my left hand, pulling it closer to the light, closer to her face for inspection, her thumb running along the finger I had just been fiddling with.

 

Her whole expression softens, and My God, in this low lighting she looks more like an ethereal being- so otherworldly beautiful. “I bought a ring… on that day.” She shook her head, her expression contorting into a grimace as she lets out a short huff. I don’t think she sees my face falling at the painful memory resurfacing. The haunting memory of the empty velvet box that put an abrupt end to my happily ever after.

 

“Stupid of me to keep checking my pockets for it, ended up attracting unwanted attention. Ah.. every time I think about it I’m mentally slamming a bat into my head. Dumbest thing I’ve ever done up to date, and I’m pretty sure I’ve done a lot of dumb things that, thankfully, my brain has suppressed.”

 

“But you remember this one..” I managed to push out of the tightness of my throat.

 

She sighs. “I can’t not.. I thought that was the last time I’d see you.” She finally looks up from my hand, watching me with a pair of sad eyes that has my arms itching to go around her.

 

I turn my hand right-side up, gripping her hands firmly yet gently, boldly taking my chance and stepping into her space. When she doesn’t step back I take another chance and close whatever remained of the distance, arms curling around her back to pull her into my chest.

 

Her chin nestles on my shoulder as she takes a long breath in. I feel her arms coming up to curl around my waist and, finally, I let my eyes close, letting the first drops of my tears fall from my eyes. “I missed you.”

 

I feel her head nod rather than see it, her arms tightening around me. I do the same, savouring the seconds that my world felt right again, because, at the back of my mind, I knew there were still questions that I really didn’t want to be answered only for it to break me again.

 

“I missed what we used to be.” I whisper into her ear. I hear her take a shuddering breath.

 

“I’ve always loved you…” My final leap of faith. Whether I end up falling or not, at least I can say I’ve not acted like a stupid coward for a whole lifetime. “… I still love you.”

 

She sighs, pulling back. My arms fall to my side and I hang my head, turning to the dark to hide the ugly mess my now uncontrollable tears had made from the crushing whatever was left of my heart was subjected to.

 

“You’re an idiot.” She hisses.

 

I in a breath through gritted teeth. “I know.”

 

She harshly shoves at my shoulder, strong enough to have me take a few steps back. I don’t retaliate, not even after I feel a harder hit on my right arm, then another.

 

“You !” Then another, though this time I can barely call that a hit. Her hand falls to around my elbow, clutching at the sleeves of my blazer as her forehead pressing up against my aching shoulder. “You incorrigible woman.”

 

I lift my arm up, ignoring the stinging pain exacerbated by my action. It’s all worth it when she falls into my arms, clutching at the lapels of my blazer as she buries her face to my chest. My other arm comes right back around as the dam in my mouth finally breaks and I’m pouring out all of the thoughts I’ve been holding back all those years.

 

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m such an idiot for saying those things.” I could feel my nose begin to clog up and I sniffle loudly. I didn’t want to chance looking for a handkerchief to wipe it away in case Jessica decides she’s had enough. I tighten my hold around her at the thought, my chest twisting painfully for the both of us.

 

“I love you.” The confession falls from my lips and I feel her shudder violently against me. “I’ve only ever loved you. I’ve only ever wanted you.. No, I need you.” I press my forehead on top of her head, reaching up with one hand to run my hand down the back of her head and rest at the nape of her neck to hold her firmly against me. “Without you, my life feels incomplete …” I am barely able to push that out through haggard breathing and I am so sure I am ugly crying out here for everyone to see. But right now I really couldn’t give a rat’s about my colleagues' thoughts of seeing me with another woman. Damned these rules of love, telling us who we should and shouldn’t be with. I've gone far too long hurting and being angry at myself for being such a coward. It was time I face my fate the way I should have those wasted years ago.“I am nothing without you.”

 

Please don’t tell me it’s too late, my mind pleads. It gets stuck in my throat as I heave in stuttering breaths. We’re leaning against each other, carrying each other up as our hearts continue to purge out the hurt, the longing, and the loneliness.

 

“I love you, too, my dear Yuri.” I hear her breathe into my ear. And my name. She didn't forget my name.“Never stopped… couldn’t stop. And I hate you for that.” A weak laugh tumbles out of my lips before I press them back together to stop the embarrassing wailing I feel was coming up.

 

She still loves me.

 

“I love you.”

 

And I still love her, with all of my stupid soul.

 

“I love you.”

 

So, if it isn’t too much to ask..

 

“Please, give me another chance…”

 

If I’m not crossing my boundaries too much…

 

“Stay with me?”

 

Can I ask for my happiness back?

 

 

~~~~

A/N: Is it too cheesy? I feel like it is. I'm purging all of the sweet stuff in this AU.