Taeyeon blinked dazedly up at the darkness in front of her. She stayed still for a few heartbeats, chasing away the cloud in her thoughts and letting her mind fully reboot, before turning on her side and reached for her mobile phone beside her pillow. A cold finger dips down the centre button and she squints at the not so dim light flashing at her tired face.

 

3:24 AM

 

“Again.” She groaned, deftly pressing the side lock button, once again throwing herself into the darkness, and rolled onto her back.

 

She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to recall whatever it was she was dreaming off. It was getting away from her far too quickly. Fading away as her brain began clearing out the remaining haze of sleep. A few minutes later, what felt longer to Taeyeon, she pushed herself up to sit, giving up on catching the ever elusive dreams.

 

She had only slept for a little over an hour.

 

Keeping her eyes tightly shut, she pressed her face against her palms and breathed deeply.
 

It was far too early to bother anyone with her texts. And sleep would surely not be coming back to her if she kept thinking about it.

 

Her stomach rumbled, loud enough for the sound to reach her ears.

 

That’s right. She had opted to skip dinner, shedding her work clothes and slipping under the comfort of her bed despite knowing sleep wouldn’t quite greet her with welcoming arms. Instead, her mind plagued her with unpleasant thoughts, her past failures, hurtful words thrown at her, making her restlessly twist and turn. And then, finally, like an old film reel, her thoughts took her back to the dark years. All the thoughts she had been repressing for the past few months, rushing back at full force, with a vengeance. She recalled the crushing feeling pressing down her chest, unwanted tears leaking from her tightly squeezed eyes and running down the side of her face. Her breaths came in shallow and quick, her lips twisting as she gasped for air in between her muffled sobbing.

 

She shook the painful memory from her mind, clutching at the small, gold, cross pendant dangling between her chest, relishing the pain from the points digging into her palm. Tears were already beginning to pool around her eyes, her nose starting to clog. She sniffed it all back, refusing to give in again. With her free hand she harshly brushed the heel of her palm across her eyes, kicking the blanket off her at the same time. She swung her legs around and over her bed, feet planting onto the fuzzy carpet.

 

She ambled through the darkness of the hall, making her way to the living room and crashing undignified down the long sofa and switching the tv to her favourite channel. The soft laughter of thousands of people filled the silence. Taeyeon watched on, only half paying attention to the show. Her thought process stopped, the words seeping through her ears but her mind unable to retain enough to understand.

 

The flickering lights around her played with the shadows it cast, making them dance in a rhythm-less tune, ebbing and crashing back towards her like waves. The familiar static pierced her ears, taking over the noise from the show until it was drowned out by the consistent thudding of her heartbeat.

 

Thump- thump

 

Thump- thump

 

Thump.. thump…

 

 

 

 

“Taengoo, wake up.” Taeyeon groaned, peeling back her eyelids. She blinked up at the unfocused image of Jessica’s concerned face hovering on top of her. Her usual piercing brown eyes were staring down at her, her whole face softening in what Taeyeon had often seen her giving her once upon a time.

 

“Sooyeon?” The name was out of before her brain could catch up. She mentally berated her slip up as she sat up, groaning when her tense shoulder shot a brief shockwave of pain through her neurons. She fell back onto the couch, left arm instinctively going to the tense muscle.

 

“You fell asleep on the couch.” Jessica pointed out, reaching to brush a few strands of hair out of Taeyeon’s face.

 

“I.. guess I did.” Taeyeon grunted, easing onto her back, lessening the pressure she put onto her side. “What time is it?”

 

“About half past 8.” She paused. “Don’t you have work today?”

 

“What day is it?”

 

“Friday.”

 

Taeyeon sighed. “Yeah, in a while.”

 

She felt Jessica’s cool hand brushing up against her forehead, pressing onto her skin to check her temperature. It takes her a while gauging whether the heat under her palm is of any concern. Taeyeon relaxes, the cool feeling bringing her a bit of comfort. “Maybe you shouldn’t go in today. You don’t look well.”

 

“I’ll manage.” She replied, finally turning her head away and breaking their direct contact.

 

“Taengoo… I think you’re overworking yourself. When was the last time you stayed home and just relaxed?”

 

“I’ll be fine, Soo- Sica. I just… just a little sore. Shouldn’t have slept on the couch.” Taeyeon forced a one-sided grin, hoping it would ease Jessica’s worrying. It doesn’t change the small worried frown the brunette had on, but it had been enough to get her to back off.

 

Jessica is a really nice girl. A little on the quiet side, a little aloof, like her, but she wasn’t one to back off from a challenge. Especially if the ones she cared for were put on the spot. Taeyeon figured it was the feisty side to her that really impressed her best friend.

 

They had met through her. Jessica was an old classmate from way back when their only concerns were who would get to play on the swings and how to avoid getting icky cooties from boys. They were once so close that sometimes they were thought of as siblings by how much they started to look alike. That was until Jessica’s family moved, leaving Taeyeon with one of her first heartaches. When they met again Taeyeon knew they would never be the same. They would try, but the lingering awkwardness from having unexpectedly cut their ties so long ago kept their relationship at bay.

 

But still, they try. “Okay then. I’ll drive you to work. Just tell me when you’re ready to go.”

 

“Thank you…” Taeyeon puts on a strained smile. “No offence, but what are you doing here so early?”

 

Jessica shrugged, moving to sit beside Taeyeon’s legs. “Can’t I drop in for a visit anytime I want to? I do have a spare, you know.”

 

“I didn’t… It’s just unusual to see you anywhere at an early time, especially without an agenda.”

 

“Tsk, you’re making me sound like a bad person.”

 

Taeyeon chuckled softly. “Not bad. Just lazy.”

 

Jessica crossed her arms over her chest, turning her head to the tv and scoffed. “Whatever.”

 

Taeyeon smiled, following Jessica’s gaze to the tv. The morning news was on. Both of them never really paid any particular interest with the news, only focusing on it long enough to know how the weather was going to be. And between the two of them, there really wasn’t much to talk about. Aside from their small, mutual circle of friends and their preference to listen instead of constantly speaking, they now had nearly nothing in common.

 

Taeyeon knew the girl didn’t come to the house just to hang out with her. Not with the stale air between them. “No need to be shy. If you want to see Yuri, she should still be in her room.”

 

Jessica tore her eyes away from the tv, briefly looking at Taeyeon before moving onto the closed door of her roommate.

 

She takes a moment, absently chewing her bottom lip as she thought before expelling a long breath of air through her nose and leaning to the arm of the couch and getting comfortable. “I’ll wait right here. If you don’t mind.” She took a side glance to Taeyeon’s lounging form.

 

The smaller of the two made a noncommittal shrug of her shoulder, tired eyes still glued to the tv.

 

“You can call me that, you know?”

 

Taeyeon turned her gaze to Jessica’s side profile. She nudged the girl’s back with her knee, silently asking her to elaborate.

 

“Sooyeon. You can call me that. I don’t mind.” Jessica met her eyes, once again holding that look that reminded Taeyeon of memories long past. Taeyeon kept to her silence, tearing her gaze from the person she once held dear. Time has proven that everything and everyone changes, and Taeyeon feels like she had changed the most.

 

 

 

 

Taeyeon staggered into her bedroom, letting her messenger bag drop to the floor before her bottom followed suit. She was physically exhausted, running around bussing tables from her two part-time jobs with hardly anything to eat. She was hungry before, but that was a few hours ago. Her stomach had stopped bothering her when the dinner time rush hit them, her mind too preoccupied trying to juggle preparing all the necessary things, taking orders, delivering food and drinks, and clearing tables in between everything else.

 

And, of course, something had to go wrong. A misplaced docket, a walkout, there was even one particularly rude customer that kept glaring at her the whole time, talking smack about her anytime Taeyeon was within hearing distance. Adding to her misery, on the way home from work the front wheel of her bike skid as she steered her bike up to the safety of the empty sidewalk. It was a slight miscalculation but the sudden motion wrenched the handlebars violently to the side, halting the bike’s momentum, and sent her body crashing to the pavement. Had it not been for her thick windbreaker she was sure she’d had supported a long gash along her bicep.

 

It seemed nothing was going very well for her. A string of bad luck had been following her for the past month, rubbing Taeyeon’s sanity paper thin.

 

Her gaze trailed up to her messy study table. A pile of useless books scattered across the whole surface. Her eyes watered. She threw a fist down the carpeted floor, the first few droplets of salty tears bouncing on the surface of her clenched hand. She reared back, sending her fist crashing back down the floor. And again.

 

A frustrated scream was just at the tip of her tongue, but the thought of Yuri and her company held her back. She took a deep inhale, the fire in her gradually extinguishing as she leaned back to the wall. Her tears continued to trickle down her cheeks, face burning in frustration. Every inhale had her shoulders slumping, her body drained of whatever anger and frustration she had that kept her going.

 

By the end of her calming breaths, she was exhausted, physically and mentally. She pulled her knees close to her chest, tuning out the noise around her, hoping to put her tired mind to rest. No thoughts haunt her this time around, but she’s too far gone to feel relieved of the rare silence.

 

 

 

 

 

She wakes at the soft knock against her door. Weary eyes go up to stare at the closed door, waiting for the second party to push past it. It doesn’t budge, but a worried voice filters through the cracks.

 

“Taengoo, are you awake?” Taeyeon purses her chapped lips. Should she answer?

 

“I know you haven’t eaten yet… Sica and I bought food. We saved you some, put it in the microwave whenever you’re up to eating. Listen, I know you’re stressing over your papers and… well, Sica told me you looked awful this morning when she found you on the sofa... Maybe you should take some time off work.”

 

Taeyeon sighed. She knew Jessica had only good intentions telling her roommate that, but she needed to mind her own business.

 

Rubbing her tired eyes she tried to stretch, but her entire body protested at the act. Tense muscles pulled back, resisting her orders, and her dead limbs shot her nerves tingling with a fuzzy feeling fitted with pinpricking pain. She toppled to her side, cringing as her body woke up.

 

“Are you alright in there?” Yuri’s worried voice had Taeyeon looking back at her door.

 

“I’m fine, just… ahem… waking up.”

 

“Oh, did I wake you? Of course, I did… Sorry. Anyway, you up to eating now? Food’s still warm.”

 

“I’m.. alright. Not hungry.” Taeyeon muttered back softly, she wasn’t sure if the younger heard. She struggled to get on her hands and knees, the unpleasant feeling subsiding. Funny how the hollow feeling coming over her nearly every night now was a lot less comforting than pain, she thought sardonically.

 

“Well… we’re having a movie night. Still haven’t decided on what to watch, though. Come on out and we’ll watch it together. Oh, and Sica’s best friend is over too, so it might get a little… noisy.”

 

Taeyeon sighed. She had just successfully crawled back up to sit on her bed. The only source of light was from the cracks around her door and the light post just outside her room, the dim yellow light permeating through the thin white curtains and throwing a nice glow to her room. Taeyeon grinned, even with her dulled mind she still appreciated these small things.

 

“You know what? Forget that!” The door to her room burst open. Taeyeon jerked back at the bright light from the hallway stinging her eyes. Just as her hands went up to rub them she felt hands wrap around her wrist, pulling her to her feet. She stumbled after the pull as Yuri took her through the hallway, keeping her eyes squinted the whole way.

 

“Taengoo!” She heard Jessica’s surprised greeting just as her bounced on the cushion of the sofa. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

 

“I decided to drag her off her normal schedule. Taengoo was getting too boring sticking to the same routine.” A chorus of laughter follows Yuri’s statement, one Taeyeon instantly identified to be Jessica’s. The other one she was completely in the dark with.

 

Something was shoved into her hands and she fumbled with it. Whatever it was, it smelt good, enough to have her salivate. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her of how empty her stomach was now that something edible was within reach. She stared down at the bowl of stir-fried noodles for just a few seconds before hunger won over and she hastily picked up her chopsticks and dug in.

 

“Easy there, tiger. Don’t want you to choke now.” An unrecognizable voice reaches her ears. She looked up from stuffing to the stretch of couch beside her, blinking at a pair of smiling eyes looking back at her. Carefully chewing on the noodles in , she nodded her head.

 

“Have we met before?” The girl said, tilting her head. Cute, Taeyeon thought.

 

“You have, once.”

 

“And very briefly.”

 

The girl’s eyes move from Taeyeon to the couple getting comfortable on a single couch. Taeyeon looked over at          them, rolling her eyes at the sight of Jessica curled up on Yuri’s lap. She would have gagged, but the precious noodles were just too good to waste.

 

“Don’t give me that look Tiff, it’s not my fault you’re gallivanting off to who knows where every single time.” Jessica says, rolling her eyes at the pout on her best friend’s face.

 

“I wasn’t gallivanting, I was interning.” The girl defended hotly, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared down Jessica’s aloof look. “Unlike you, I can’t afford to build a relationship or cuddle up and have movie nights anytime I please. I barely have the time for myself.”

 

“Oh boo you. You know that’s just a lame excuse.”

 

“Whatever, Jessie.”

 

“Aw… You’re just jealous.” And, as if to further rub it in her face, Jessica leaned down to capture a surprised Yuri’s lips. And Yuri was anything but unwilling.

 

Taeyeon tore her eyes off the make-out session, focusing back on her meal. All of a sudden, she wasn’t as hungry as before.

 

“You two are unbelievable!” As she says this Taeyeon notices the lack of anger or judgement in her voice but rather heard the tinkling of amusement. Something uncommon in an Asian environment. Taeyeon lifted her gaze, finding Jessica’s best friend grinning at the tv as she surfed channels.

 

“Hm.. I guess it has been a while. And it was a short meeting.. Taengoo-yah, that’s Tiffany Hwang, my best friend. Tiff, this is Kim Taeyeon, Yuri’s favourite roomie.”

 

“And my best friend!” Yuri happily added. It bought a little warmth to Taeyeon’s chest. She could always count on Yuri to bring positivity in her life.

 

Tiffany turned her head, grinning toothily as she did a quick wave. Taeyeon, both hands still holding onto her bowl, wriggled her fingers, managing to send the woman a tiny, tight lipped smile.

 

“Great! Now everyone knows everyone.” The lights flickered shut, the bluish glow from the tv screen bounced of their skin like led back lights in dark bars. “So, Fany-ah, what are we watching?”

 

“Chill, I’m still looking. I don’t exactly know what’s showing.”

 

“I thought you knew what was on.”

 

“Excuse me? I just got here not an hour ago. Which one of us was lazing around the whole day?”

 

“Then why the hell is the remote in your hand?”

 

“Because you were too busy Yuri’s face!”

 

Taeyeon jolts back at the throw pillow flying a few inches past her face, colliding firmly against an unsuspecting Tiffany. Tiffany screams a loud protest, hurling back the fluffy projectile to the two love birds. Taeyeon pulls the bowl closer to herself as a larger projectile flies past her. It takes her a second to realise that Tiffany had thrown herself after the pillow and was now lying on top of a squealing Jessica. Poor Yuri was trapped underneath the two girls, groaning as she was being mercilessly squashed in the crossfire.

 

She should have stopped them, but she laid back. A toothy smile that had begun to feel so foreign to her pulled at her lips and the sudden giggle bubbling up from her chest has her body convulsing in silence. Not for long. Eventually, her body began rocking back and forth, opened and small chocked laughter came spilling out followed by a loud, uncontrollable guffaw.

 

The small scuffle on the chair ceased. Tiffany picked herself off her best friend, a small, amused smile playing at her features as she watched the small woman laughing uncontrollably on the couch. Jessica fumbled around the chair, easing the pressure from Yuri, the two love birds too busy fussing over each other to bother looking at the chortling Taeyeon.

 

When Taeyeon brushes the few tears from her eyes she shrinks in embarrassment when she catches Tiffany’s gaze fixed on her. The rest of the night she pretended nothing was the matter, even though inside she felt a little lighter, a little less like the Taeyeon of the past month or so. When her head hit the mattress that night her mind eased her into dreamland without any qualms.

 

 

 

 

 

She forced the dry roll down , her attention focused solely on the food before her and ignoring the chatter around the cafeteria. Sitting around her were her small group of classmates. Beside her, over half a head taller than her, was one of her closest friend, laughing loudly at a joke. Once in a while, her tall body would lean back on Taeyeon’s arm and she would have to make a small grunting noise to alert the woman to get off her.

 

The pressure for the last week of report submissions was building up and she pressed her forefinger and thumb against the bridge of her nose to push down the growing headache. She was well aware that she had done far more beyond what her peers had, as far as their woes tell her at least, but there was just that little voice in the back of her mind. It was whispering things to her, questioning her work, telling her how she was going to crash and burn and before she knows it she would be running back to her parent’s place with her tail curled under her belly. That she would never be worth the blood, sweat, and tears her parents had poured for her to get to where she was now. Her chest constricted painfully and her hand came up to clutch at her shirt.

 

She was nudged out of her thoughts, literally, and she turned to receive the concerned looks of the whole table. She pretended to be cool, raising her brow at Sooyoung’s questioning gaze.  “Hey, little buddy, you alright?”

 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” she brushed the concern off, pasting a convincing smile for the rest.

 

“You sure? Not feeling any pain?” She sees Sooyoung’s eyes fall to the hand still clutching at her shirt. She forced her fingers to uncurl and let her hand fall to her lap.

 

“I’m fine.” She shrugged “Just a little tired of all the deadlines and all.”

 

“Oh, kill me now!” One of them wailed. It was enough to take the focus away from her and she smiled and laughed as she half-heartedly watched her classmates dramatically act out the end of their lives with deadlines looming over their heads.

 

Half of her roll lay untouched on her plate. The sight of it was pushing something up her oesophagus and she grabbed the plate, excusing herself from the rest to chuck the rest of the food into the rubbish bin. She fixed the strap of her messenger bag around her shoulder, looking at the table. She wondered if anyone would notice if she slipped out without telling them. But doing so would be rude, and she tried hard not to be rude. She didn’t want to go back though, feeling like if she did excuse herself Sooyoung would undoubtedly volunteer to hang out with her.

 

Decisions. She wasn’t good at making them.

 

“Taeyeon?” Her eyes snapped to the curious pair to her side. The eyes widened a little more as the woman took a step closer, recognition brightening up her features. “It is you. Hi! How have you been?”

 

“Ah.” She continued to stare as the woman’s eyes turned up into crescents when she smiled. A name dropped into her head. “Tiffany-ssi… I- I’m.. It’s been a while, yeah.”

 

Tiffany chuckled, reaching to plant a friendly hand on her shoulder. “It has been a while.” She agreed, her smile widening. “So, how have you been?”

 

“I’m fine.” The lie slips out of her smoothly along with the practiced smile on her face. She remembers to be courteous and returns the question. “How are you?”

 

“Horrible!” The honest answer shocks her. She stares as Tiffany’s brows scrunch as she throws a cautious look over her shoulder, checking to see if she had disturbed anyone. She shakes her head a moment later, turning to face Taeyeon to properly giver her answer. “As if hell week isn’t problematic enough. Thankfully, I’ve done two of my papers. Down to my last, actually, but my freaking partner hasn’t even finished their portion of the work and it’s stressing me out. The days of our internship are coming to a close, but I think I might have messed up big time. It wasn’t entirely my fault, but I’m the intern. If they’re going to play the blame game I have next to no voice with them. It is stressing me out.”

 

“Um..” Taeyeon looked at her sympathetically, gently patting the hand that was agitatedly tapping on the table close to them.

 

“Oh God. I’m so sorry. Here I am, blabbing my troubles to you.”

 

“It’s- It’s fine. It’s good to let out the frustration.”

 

“Right!” She runs a hand through her hair. It’s only then that Taeyeon notes that she wasn’t all natural brunette as she had originally thought. She couldn’t really tell if the top layer of her chocolate brown hair was her natural colour, but the dark blondish shade definitely was coloured in. It was kind of cute and would definitely look sort of magical if she tied her hair in a ponytail.

 

“You heading out?” Taeyeon returned her sights to the pair of the darkest shade of brown she had ever seen. So dark it looked almost black, yet, probably unlike hers, perfectly showcased her bubbling excitement. Taeyeon felt the unending envy in her rear its ugly head as her eyes continued to note the physical perfection of the woman before her. Beautiful, silky, long hair encased her oval face. The high cheekbones that popped out whenever her full lips lifted in a smile and the long bridge of her nose that sloped elegantly to curve up the button tip of her nose. Though she wasn’t as thin or complexion as pale as Taeyeon’s her overall appearance was definitely something favoured by the Gods, especially with those soft curves in all the right places. Oh, how the world is cruelly unfair.

 

“Taeyeon?” She snaps out of her inner monologue, turning her head to the group she had left in order to hide her embarrassment at being caught zoning out. Her eyes immediately find Sooyoung’s head over the rest of the sea of browns and differing shades of blonds. The girl was halfway off the chair, neck straining in search of her missing friend while still continuing whatever their conversation was.

 

More than ever, Taeyeon doesn’t feel like going back to them.

 

“Yeah, um… heading out.” And reminding herself of her manners she returned her gaze to Tiffany’s face, smile in place. “You?”

 

“Well, I’ve got what I came here for.” She says, patting the backpack hanging lazily around one shoulder. Taeyeon doesn’t know if she means food or if it was whatever paper her partner had finished. She nodded her head anyway, not feeling like asking her to elaborate. She just wants to get out of there.

 

“Oh, well.. I’ll see you-”

 

“Do you wanna hang out for a while?” Tiffany interrupts. She doesn’t look in the least apologetic and instead stared expectantly- hopefully- for a positive response. Even when Taeyeon’s face remained black Tiffany doesn’t back down, only lifting her eyebrows expectantly and smiling a little wider. “I don’t know about you, but I feel like a walk around the lake is exactly what I need right about now…”

 

“I- I don’t..”

 

“It’ll be fun. And more importantly, relaxing.”

 

“Erm..” Taeyeon glanced back to Sooyoung, who by then had spotted her and was motioning something to her. She sends her friend a smile, her cheeks straining, and waves her away. “I think I’ll-”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were alone.” Tiffany says as she nods her head towards Taeyeon’s group. Sooyoung was looking at Taeyeon questioningly, her motions a little more exaggerated.

 

Taeyeon sighed.

 

“I’m actually preparing to leave now. Feel like my head’s about to explode from all the stress.”

 

“Oh!” Tiffany chirps, grinning elatedly that her eye smile makes its appearance. “Come with me then. I promise you I won’t lock you up for ransom or anything like that.” She jokes. “We can feed the ducks while we’re there too. And maybe a few pigeons” She adds, and the idea doesn’t seem so bad when Taeyeon thought of it.

 

“That… doesn’t sound bad.”

 

“Great!” Taeyeon stiffens when she feels Tiffany’s warm hand wrap around her wrist. Her shocked eyes fly up to Tiffany’s face, but by then the American girl had turned her back and began tugging her towards the exit. Taeyeon only has enough time to turn her head and wave a short goodbye to her group.

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey, Taeyeon.” Taeyeon looks up from the scattered notes on the desk. Her haze filled eyes slowly taking in her surroundings after a good amount of getting lost in her thoughts. She was suddenly aware of the wet trail from the side of her lips all the way down to her chin and she slapped a hand under to hide her drool. How humiliating.

 

The newcomer doesn’t seem to have noticed as she took a seat on the vacant chair opposite her, dropping a couple of thickly bound books on the table top. She sighed in relief, rolling her shoulders to loosen the tightness from carrying the heavy load from the section far back into the library.

 

“Hope I’m not disturbing you. This place is packed! I’ve been going around looking for a place to sit at but every single table was taken. Can you believe that most of the people here are still doing their papers instead of finalising? I can’t do that. I’d lose my mind if I procrastinated this badly.”

 

Taeyeon thought of Sooyoung, who just earlier had begged her for a copy of her finalised paper. She was close to tears when Taeyeon(reluctantly) sent her a copy through her email. She just hoped Sooyoung would keep the copy to herself, knowing the younger girl’s heart was too soft when it came to other distressed people coming to her for help.

 

“Me too.” She grunted a reply, her eyes falling back to the notes she was trying to go over for her final exam later. It wasn’t really ideal when her mind kept straying away and she felt that she was just wasting time sitting in the library, daydreaming.

 

“You look horrible.” Taeyeon blinked, eyebrows rising at the blunt comment. She felt a pinch of irritation, but it was taken over by humour when she finally registers the haggard looking woman before her. Her make-up less face showed the darkening bags under her eyes and her paleness from overworking. Her hair was poorly tied back, with the shorter strands sticking out at various directions.

 

“You don’t look too hot yourself.”

 

Tiffany’s hands shoot up to her hair, fixing it down and wiping away the beads of perspiration from her forehead. There was a grimace on her face when she finally sighs loudly. “This day couldn’t get any worse.”

 

“Why? Aren’t you done with your papers?”

 

“Yes. Except for one.” She rubs her face tiredly. “My idiot of a partner called to tell me his laptop crashed and that he didn’t even save a back-up in case things like that happen. What’s worse is that he’s not even here. He’s out with his friends in another town. Freaking useless! So, now I have to do the other half that he didn’t send me before drawing up a conclusion. I swear I am reporting him and demand he gets only as much as his effort for his stupid report.” Tiffany ranted heatedly as she took out her laptop and booted it up. She also took out a thick, black framed glass and unceremoniously shoved it up the bridge of her nose.

 

Taeyeon had to stare a good minute at the device, the bright pink actually hurting her eyes to the point of tears. She squeezed her eyes shut, brushing the back of her arm to dry her eyes.

 

“That is so… so vibrantly pink.” She shuddered.

 

“I know! That’s why I picked it!” Tiffany replies as she taps furiously at her keyboard.

 

They lapsed into silence, Tiffany focusing on her unfinished paper while Taeyeon tried to go over her notes once again. She only lasts for a few minutes before she drops her head on her arm, groaning at her decision to get up early to “study”.  She sets up an alarm on her phone, double checking to make sure she hadn’t accidentally set it up at the wrong time. Setting the device right under her right ear she closed her eyes, letting the noise of frantic students lull her to sleep.

 

 

 

She was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, her eyes stuck to the red man at the other end. Cars were roaring past from both directions, once in a while slowing down to drop off or pick someone up from the designated spot not too far from where she stood in wait. She doesn’t really turn to check, her eyes were set on the red man, willing him to turn green and let her cross safely to the other side.

 

She checked her watch for the time.

 

Her wrist was bare. She forgot to put on her watch. She fished her pockets for her phone. The man turns green. She’s startled when someone rushes past her, in a hurry to get to their destination. Taeyeon stumbles on the first step but manages to regain her balance and she pretends to shake something off her shoe.

 

She walks along the white line, dragging her feet. Taeyeon thinks she’d rather go home and sleep. She doesn’t really know what to do when she gets to the other end. It was just another mundane day.

 

But then, something caught her foot. Her hand instinctively pushes out and took the force of her fall before her face could plant onto the asphalt. She looks back, wondering what had caused her to trip. Her vision was blurring out, but there was no mistaking what she was seeing. A pale hand had a tight grip on her ankle, the arm leading into the pavement she had just passed not a second ago.

 

She could feel a yell building up in her chest, feeling like her chest was about to burst from the frantic beating of her heart. But nothing comes out. Not even a groan.

 

She soon realises that she has lost function of . Her chest feels heavy, the air in her lungs gradually being pushed out. Her surroundings start to turn vibrant, taking in more colours and changing to something else. She keeps her eyes glued to the hand. It wasn’t gripping her leg anymore, but it was still there, taunting her.

 

A pounding sort of noise was becoming increasingly loud, almost deafening. She tried to push up, but her limbs refuse to move. There was a thickness in , and though she desperately wanted to call out or even whisper a plea for help nothing comes past her slack lips. Her gaze stayed on the arm as it began to fade, only shifting her sights when she’s sure the arm had completely disappeared.

 

Her surroundings suddenly become familiar and she knows exactly where she is. The faint buzzing she feels around her gives her leeway, enough that she begins to feel the physical attachment of her left hand to her brain. She forces all her energy onto a finger, any one of them, to curl.

 

And like a spell breaking, she takes a deep, greedy inhale as she feels gravity pushing down on her. She lifts her heavy head up, blinking at Tiffany who continued to type away at her laptop, none the wiser of the terrible experience she just had. Taeyeon suppresses a groan, furiously rubbing the sleep away from her eyes as she sits up properly.

 

“Hey, you’re awake.” Tiffany says, sparing her a quick glance.

 

“Yeah, I…” Taeyeon stops short, shaking away the thought of sharing her ‘dream’. She wouldn’t understand. “How long was I out? What time is it?”

 

“10:24” Tiffany answers in time as Taeyeon checks her phone.

 

Her eyes widen in surprise and she springs up from her seat. The exam would start in just a few more minutes. And she was three buildings away from the classroom. “My alarm didn’t go off!” she whisper –shouts in despair, grabbing her bag and makes a run for the exit.

 

She hears Tiffany call out a good luck to her and spares her a quick turn around and gave her a proper wave. It was then that she sees the girl lift her hand up to the side of her face, thumb and little finger stretched out with her three middle fingers curled in the universal sign of the phone. Then she extends the same hand and gives her a thumb up.

 

Taeyeon slowly nodded her head, a small smile pulling her lips.

 

 

 

 

 

It hurt. Her arms felt numb. Eyes felt heavy. Head barely being kept up while some imaginary demon hammered away at her skull. Everything hurts.

 

Taeyeon blinks blearily, at the clock hanging at the middle front of the classroom. The room was slowly emptying as the final few test takers took the few remaining minutes to complete their exams- mostly praying for some divine miracle to somehow get a random answer right. She looks down to her own messy test sheet. She was on the last page, with just a few numbers without answers. Her pen is nowhere in sight.

 

She presses the back of her hand to her right eye, hoping the pressure could distract her mind enough to take a little bit of the throbbing pain out of her head. It does nothing.

 

Her pen was still missing.

 

She feels a nudge to her side and looks up. Sooyoung looks at her with curious eyes. She looks up to the proctor not really paying them attention and nods her head.

 

“I lost my pen.” Taeyeon mutters.

 

“You fell-!” Sooyoung presses her lips together, warily looking back at the proctor. She quickly pulls out a pen from her bag and presses it to Taeyeon’s hand. She gives her a pat on the shoulder and indicates to the door.

 

The proctor looks up, eyeing the both of them suspiciously but doesn’t say a thing. Sooyoung takes that as her warning and quickly makes her exit.

 

Taeyeon continues to stare at the last few questions. It doesn’t make any sense to her. She mouthed the first few words. It doesn’t penetrate the thick haziness coating her mind and she remains clueless as to what it was trying to say. It felt like she was trying to read something through frosted glass. No matter how much she tried nothing was clear enough to make sense.

 

The pain in her head intensifies and it takes her all reminding herself not to make a scene when all she really wanted to do at that point was smash her head against something so hard it would all just stop. If everything could just stop for a few seconds. Just a few measly seconds so she could get her in order.

 

A tap on her shoulder breaks her staring and she looks up at the proctor’s stern face looking down at her. “I said times up.”

 

Taeyeon moves her sights to her unfinished paper. She carefully turns it around, checking at least if she’s put on her name. She hands it over, the proctor not really looking at her as he puts her paper at the very top of the pile he’s carrying. “I’ll be locking the room in a few minutes. Gather your stuff and go.” He says monotonously as he returns to the teacher’s table to gather the rest of his things.

 

“I lost my ballpen.” Taeyeon mutters. The proctor doesn’t seem to hear her as he struggles to shoves the test papers back into a manila folder, making a loud racket while he was at it.

 

“Taeyeon?” Taeyeon looks up to Sooyoung’s head, popping in from the doorway. She reminds herself to act normal, rising from her seat and grabbing her bag from underneath the seat. Sooyoung’s pen is still clutched tightly in her left hand. She offers it back when she’s within arm’s reach. The taller girl chuckles as she affectionately rubs the top of Taeyeon’s head and gently guides her out to the hallway.

 

“Found your pen?”

 

“No.” Taeyeon offers the pen back, pinching it loosely in between her forefinger and thumb.

 

Sooyoung raises her hand up. “Nah, you keep it. I feel like you’ll need it more than I would. Anyway, I’m rounding up the group for an ice cream celebration. We all deserve it after today. Last day of exams. We’re free as birds until the scores are put up. The perfect time to celebrate… or mourn.”

 

“I don’t really feel like ice cream..”

 

Sooyoung exaggeratedly loud gasp makes her drop the pen. Her eyes frantically follow the path the pen took before her face is forcefully squashed in between Sooyoung’s palms, forcing her to face the hyperactive woman. “Who are you and what have you done to our Taeyeon?!”

 

“Sooyoung… that hurts.” She says, gripping at Sooyoung’s wrist to try and pry her hands away. Her eyes were downcast, trying to locate the pen before that too gets lost.

 

Her face is freed, but she’s quickly engulfed in a tight hug and is pulled up off her feet as she’s literally carried away towards a particularly loud group not too far ahead.

 

“Guys! It’s an emergency. We need to get some ice cream in this girl!”

 

“Sooyoung, what’s going on?”

 

“She’s not herself. She said she didn’t want ice cream.” Exaggerated gasps of blasphemy have Taeyeon rolling her eyes at her group of friends. It had been a sort of silent agreement to ride along with someone’s gag or pranks and to never act serious outside of class. At times it was funny, but being the usual target of this ridiculousness has Taeyeon immune to their childishness.

 

She wriggles out of Sooyoung’s arms, dodging the long limbs going after her once she’s freed. She shoves a few grabby hands away before the group finally picks up the weary look on her face and the mood automatically turns sombre.

 

“Taeyeon, are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine.” Taeyeon winces at how clipped her response sounded like. She checks the damage she’s done and bites her tongue at the worried looks going around.

 

“I just have a pounding headache.” It was half the truth.

 

“Well, a bit of ice cream can help ease that away.”

 

Taeyeon shook her head. “No. I don’t..” she sighs. “I just want to rest. You guys go ahead. Have fun. I’ll be fine.” And to ease their worries she forces on a smile.

 

A hand goes to her shoulder and she doesn’t need to guess to know whose it is. “Taeyeon..”

 

“I’ll be fine, Soo.” She reaches up to pat her hand before pulling it off her. She squeezes her hand, hoping to ease the unnecessary worry before pulling away. “I’m sorry, I lost your pen too.”

 

Sooyoung’s brows furrow tighter in worry. “D-Don’t worry about it… Taeng...”

 

“I’ll be fine.” She cuts her off, meeting her eyes and giving her a tight-lipped smile.

 

 

 

 

 

“Taeyeon!” Taeyeon blinked back the black spots in her vision, slowly refocusing on the bus schedule after another failed attempt of staring at the sun. Tears were already leaking down the sides of her eyes from the pain and dryness and she ran the sleeves of her oversized flannel shirt under her eyes.

 

“Taeyeon?”

 

“Yeah?” she responded back, not really sure who was calling her. She turned, brows raising at Tiffany’s appearance. “Tiffany.. I didn’t know you took the bus.” Her voice sounded a little raspy, parched after forgoing water since she woke up. She her bottom lip, hoping to bring moisture to the slight sting from the dehydration she’d unconsciously set herself up.

 

“I don’t. I thought I saw you when I was getting out of the library. I was right.” She beams brightly, not really looking at Taeyeon but scrutinizing the bus schedule.  She makes a low humming noise, seeming to be making up her decision before lightly nudging Taeyeon by the elbow. “You heading home?”

 

“Yeah.. I- yeah. Last day.” She fiddled with her collar, hoping to ease a little bit of the uncomfortable warmth. She could already feel perspiration building up under her armpits and felt a little uncomfortable with her skin. She pondered whether taking her flannel off would be worth the trouble.

 

“Oh, then, wanna hitch a ride? I hope you don’t mind but I’m planning to crash your house. Jessie’s been ignoring me and as her best friend it is my duty to make sure she has time for everyone else. Being constantly around her girlfriend is not a very good habit to form.”

 

“Yeah.” Taeyeon muttered distractedly. The entirety of what Tiffany has just suggested slow to process in her muddled mind. She stays on her spot, staring out for any signs of the bus to take her home. She gingerly pulls the flaps of her open flannel aside, hoping for a cool gust of wind to ease the unbearable warmth of her skin.

 

“Taeyeon?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“… Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Taeyeon?”

 

“.. Yeah.”

 

“I don’t think you’re alright.”

 

“Ye-” Taeyeon blinks, catching the rest of the short answer and she shakes her head. The motion jolts the building pressure at the top of her skull and she staggers back at the sudden onset of light-headedness.  Her hands come up to clutch at her head and she grits her teeth as a blinding pain explodes in her cranium.

 

“Taeyeon! Oh My God!” Taeyeon flinches back from the cold hands cupping the side of her head. She moved backward blindly, pressing the heels of her hand against her eyes, fighting pressure with pressure. Pain versus pain.

 

“Taeyeon.. you’re burning up!” Her hand is wretched from her face and she barely held onto the expletive that she was close to screaming. She bites her bottom lip instead, a coppery taste coating the tip of her tongue forces her to relax her jaw.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You are clearly not fine.” She feels her body being pulled forward, an arm curling around her waist, additional warmth to one side, and her arm forced Tiffany’s neck with her wrist held down firmly. She couldn’t find the strength to pull away and she let herself be dragged wherever Tiffany pleased. It was easier, and frankly she just really wanted the headache to go away.

 

“I’m taking you to the hospital.”

 

“No.” Taeyeon gasps. “No hospital. It’s- it’s just a headache.”

 

“You’ve got a fever!” The sound of Tiffany’s voice goes a pitch higher and Taeyeon has to turn her head away.

 

She palms her head with her free hand. “It’s nothing.”

 

“It’s not nothing. You can barely stand.”

 

“It’s just a really bad migraine. I’ll be fine. Please.. no hospitals… I don’t like hospitals.”

 

“Taeyeon, I don’t know if this is serious, so I’m kind of freaking out.” She grunts as she hauls Taeyeon the last few steps to her parked car. She mutters a few expletives as she digs into her large laptop bag for her keys, careful not to jar Taeyeon any further and worsen her headache.

 

“Can you get in by yourself?” Tiffany asks as soon as she manages to open the passenger side door. She keeps a firm hold on the smaller girl, her chest twisting in guilt that she hadn’t noticed the gradual decline of her friend's health. When Taeyeon moves to ease herself into the leather seat Tiffany follows her motion, even going as far as buckling her seatbelt for her.

 

She quickly slips into the driver’s seat and starts the car, hand frantically setting the a/c to a warmer setting. As she’s turning the corner she passes a concerned glance at her silent passenger, feeling even more miserable at the immobile form. She couldn’t help it, she was a feeler, and right then she couldn’t shake that it was partially her fault Taeyeon’s gotten to this level of hurting, because she was too busy to notice. So she revved her car vowing to stay by Taeyeon’s side until she felt better.

 

There was no one waiting for her anyway, she told herself. This way they can both be each other’s company, at least for a little while. Chase away the loneliness Tiffany’s refused to acknowledge. She peered back at her passenger at the red light, the natural light bouncing off her hair making her look all the more otherworldly childlike with her serene face. Tiffany’s decided Taeyeon looked her best this way, relaxing without a care, without those long stares to outer space looking like she'd rather be somewhere else and nowhere at the same time.

 

~~

A/N: One of many I've been working on for a long time. It has been over a year ago now when I started to pen this down, just a few days after a very hard day. Over the year I've been coming back to add a little bit more, mostly whenever I felt bad. I think most can relate to Taeyeon at some point in their lives when nothing seems to work out for you and it just seems pointless to fight against it and you end up just going through the day and hoping it'll end quickly. That different people handle stress in their own way: Taeyeon choosing to bury her stress and loneliness and refusing to pull her friends into her troubles. Tiffany letting it out through rants and keeping herself busy, refusing to acknowledge she was lonely.

Don't know if I should continue this though...