I’m pretty sure that anyone who knows me knows that I am naturally a quiet person, but anyone would question my silence as of late. It’s been a few weeks since she and Jinyoung started dating, and of course I had to pretend to be excited about it but if I were completely honest… it should have been me:

I met her first, if it weren’t for me then neither Jinyoung nor Jackson would even know of her existence. 
I was the closest to her, we practically finished each other’s sentences and if that doesn’t mean anything then…

I liked her first. I know the whole ‘calling dibs’ is childish and I technically didn’t but still, why else would I bring her around so often? I kinda thought that even though I didn’t come out and say it, all three of them would get the hint. You know the saying ‘actions speak louder than words’ right? Of course you do, everyone does. I guess I was hoping that it would apply to this situation, guess I was wrong about that too.

We’re kind of dating. That’s all I can hear nowadays, her voice in my mind along with images of her and JInyoung doing the things that I should be doing with her. I’ll never say this out loud because it makes me sound like a douche, but it was honestly never hard for me to get girls. I was like a chick magnet, wherever I went or wherever I was, girls just came; all the girls whom Jinyoung and Jackson went for, completely went for me. But you know, I’m a good friend and I didn’t date any of them. I took their numbers or whatever but I never crossed the line with them because we were friends. I guess the thing about Jinyoung is that he was always reasonable and fair about everything, and if I were a girl - aside from myself - I would totally date him too. And Jackson, aside from his fun loving and crazy nature, he is really caring and he loves hard. Me… I’m just Mark, Jinyoung and Jackson label me as ‘every girl’s ideal type’, but if that were the case, why aren’t I dating her instead?

“Son? We saw your car in the driveway, what’re you doing home?”
My dad tore me away from my thoughts as he entered my room.

“Oh, hey dad. Jackson and Jinyoung were being too noisy and I needed a quiet place to study and sleep.”
The lie came out as quickly as I thought it up, and I ended looking at blanket sheets of notebook paper pretending there were notes written on them.

“I can see Jackson being noisy but Jinyoung too? But alright son, I’ll leave you to your studies.”
He laughed lightly to himself before closing my door and leaving me to once again be drowned in my thoughts. The truth is I needed to get away from the apartment because I can barely look at my best friend without wanting to punch him in the face.

“Dude where’ve you been?”
Jackson asks as we wait at the doors of the cafe to open. I’m not sure why the three of us thought it was okay to open the shop on a Saturday…

“ - being alone in that apartment with those two lovebirds is suffocating.”
I nod knowingly as my eyes meet with Jinyoung’s when he approaches us.

“Hey Mark… where’ve you been? Y/N has been asking for you.”
I’m not sure why she would be asking, she’s been all cuddly with my best friend anyway. Thank god the manager opened the doors for us so I didn’t have a chance to reply. But I also entered really quickly because well… I’m avoiding him. I’m also really thankful that even though it’s early on a Saturday, we’re busy so it gave us very little time to even talk, though Jackson did manage to slip in a few questions like ‘where have you been staying’, ‘can I come stay with you’, ‘why haven’t you been returning my texts’… by the way he was talking it seemed that we were in a relationship.

“I’ve just been staying at home, I needed somewhere quiet to study.”
I turned to brush him off but who am I kidding, you can’t just brush off Jackson Wang.

“Since when do you study? You get flawless grades without even trying.”
Jackson says as he’s cleaning the blenders.

“But whatever, can I stay at your parents’ house with you for a few days? If I stay at the apartment any longer I’m afraid I’ll die.” 
Jackson pleaded, and for a moment I felt bad for him but I gave him credit for being able to stay this long.

“Sure you can crash in the guest room; no girls because it’s my parents’ house, got it?”
I couldn’t have him bringing over random girls as if it were a bachelor pad you know?

“Don’t worry, there was only one anyway.”
His facial expression and tone softened. If you didn’t know any better you’d think he was talking about Elena, but because I knew better I knew he was talking about her.

“Thanks again man.”
He quickly wiped off his soft expression and went on about his duties. I’m thankful Jinyoung is on the register so he doesn’t talk to me about her or ask about me and where I’ve been. Honestly, I feel a little bad that I’m avoiding him and this subject but can you blame me for being a little bitter? Can’t I stay in this state for a while until I’m not so salty about it?

Our shift goes by quickly with it being busy and before I know it it’s time to clock out. I’m walking out with Jackson and we’re complaining about how busy the day was before we’re both stopped by Jinyoung yelling out our names.

“Hey wait up a second guys.”
He jogs over and stuffs his fists into his jacket pockets.

“You’re gonna disappear on us too Jackson?”
His question is directed at Jackson but he’s looking at me while he speaks and I internally cringe at the word ‘us’.

“Haven’t seen Mark’s parents in a while, thought I’d stop by.”
I noticed that neither of us was really looking at him , but I could feel his gaze burning through me.

“Sure…”
Jinyoung knew exactly what we were going but he’d make us admit it ourselves before he came out to say it.

“So what’s your excuse?”
Jinyoung kicks his shoes as if we’re having a normal conversation. I mean we are but this one just holds so much more tension.

“Needed a quiet place to study.”
I smiled knowing he wouldn’t fall for it, but I didn’t expect him to burst out laughing.

“Since when do you study?”
Jackson huffed in response and I guess it kind of when you’re trying to lie to your friends but they know you too well.

“You guys are making it too obvious, Y/N feels guilty because she thinks she broke us up.”
I didn’t think it mattered you know? Back then when we were young and didn’t know anything we ‘d just brush off girls who tried to get in between, but this time it was different. I’m sick of this idea that we’re always a packaged deal, I’m my own.

“Tell her not to feel bad, it’s not her fault her boyfriend was selfish.”
I don’t know what I’m saying or what I’m trying to do really, I’ve just been holding so much in that now it just started to flow out. A look of pain flashes across Jinyoung’s face but he quickly wipes it away and puts on a smile.

“That’s what this is really about isn’t it? You’re a little hurt that she didn’t pick you?”
There was a brief moment of silence between the three of us; I could see Jackson carefully take a small step back and my fists began to clench without permission. A cocky smirk splayed across his lips in satisfaction at catching me in my own step. I shoved my fists into my pockets in fear that they would react quicker than my mind; I didn’t want to hit him, she chose him but he was still my best friend and I didn’t want to hit him.

“All I’ve got to say about it is that it should have been me.”
Jinyoung frowned as if he didn’t get the answer he was expecting. But I knew he was silenting remembering how they even came to know her in the first place; it was because of me that they were even able to meet her.

“Not even, it should have been me and you both know it.”
For a moment I forgot Jackson was even with us until he spoke. Honestly, I knew it was only a matter of time before all our true feelings came out.

“I just wanted you guys to be happy for me for once. For the first time ever, someone chose me over ‘everyone’s ideal type Mark’ or ‘fun bad boy Jackson’. For the first time a girl thought, ‘oh Jinyoung is nice, I’m gonna date him instead’. It’s so hard to even breathe in both of your shadows, I can finally taste the fresh air now that I’ve gotten out.”
Hearing how Jinyoung really felt about me oddly gave me this sudden surge of energy; yes I was still bitter about Y/N, but it’s like this was the fuel I needed to tell Jinyoung off without feeling bad about it.

“You know Jinyoung you made yourself a shadow, no one gave you that label. Believe me when I say that I want to be happy for you, you’re my best friend, I’ve known you since before I could talk, and I would be so happy for you if only it was a different girl. Why did it have to be mine? And I know this sounds so self centered and completely douchey, but come on Jinyoung, what do you have that I don’t?”
Before I could even process what to say next, Jinyoung’s fist made contact with my jaw. I really wasn’t surprised that he hit me, even I would hit me, but I was more surprised that he had a swing like that. I mean it sent my knocking into my car. I massaged the place he’d hit and a smile crept upon my lips like some creep.

“Jinyoung! Are you serious!?”
Jackson pushes Jinyoung away and I see him checking his fist.

“Okay, I deserved that one.”
I continued massaging my jaw as the adrenaline flowed through my body. I’m a little pissed but I really did deserve that hit, I crossed the line.

“I might not be every girl’s type like you are, but as long as I have her, you lost Tuan.”
Jinyoung snaps as he pushes Jackson off and walks towards his car.

“Hey Jinyoung…”
I call after him as the feeling in my jaw returns.

“You have no idea how hard I fought with myself not to punch you; you got the girl but what about us? Is it okay if you lost us in the process? Remember that when you’re at home with her, you threw the first punch but I promise I’ll be finishing it.”

Jinyoung hastily got into his car and sped off after hearing what I said and I rubbed my jaw some more once he drove passed.

“Are you crazy?”
Jackson eyes me as he walks over to me, hands stuffed into his pockets.

“I never knew he could hit like that, .”
Though the pain disappeared, I knew it was going to be sore tomorrow. Jackson laughed at how stupid I was as he slapped me on my back. We got into the car and drove in silence, we didn’t talk about what I said, we didn’t talk about the punch, we didn’t talk about Jinyoung nor did we talk about Y/N, we just drove in silence and it was peaceful. For that brief moment I didn’t think about my friendship with Jinyoung, I didn’t even think about how I would feel later knowing that I pretty much threw my best friend under the bus like that. I didn’t think about how he felt, I didn’t think about anything. But you know what? I was still bitter as hell about it.