I don’t know if she and Jinyoung caught on but Mark made it so obvious as to why he rarely stays in the apartment. But I don’t blame him though, seeing her parade around with Jinyoung is just…
I should be happy for him right? He’s my best friend and he fell in love with a great girl, but why don’t I feel happy? It wasn’t just a great girl, it was the girl…

Honestly, I’m really disappointed with myself because I can’t even be happy for my friend who’s basically my brother; instead I’m here feeling sorry for myself. And I know Mark is taking it hard because he rarely talks to either of us anymore. I think he really liked her and I bet he silently called dibs when he brought her to have lunch with us that one day. Despite Mark having been dating around - practically his entire teenage life - he never really loved anyone… at least not that I know of. I think he really wanted to love her, you could tell in the way he looked at her. I know because I used to look at her that way…
It’s all her fault, she ruined me for everyone else. But I know it’s my fault too for letting her ruin me. Love is kinda crazy you know? You think you know what you’re doing and then out of nowhere you get lost and can’t find your way. And I keep thinking that if I was better to the girls after her, maybe I’d be the one curled on the couch with Y/N.

“What are you thinking so hard about?”
I was so deep in my own thoughts that I forgot she was even in the apartment.

“Nothing… I gotta go.”
I got up and shuffled around for my keys and I heard Jinyoung moving around in the kitchen.

“You’re not staying for movies? I even got the cheesy popcorn you like.”
She gives me her puppy eyes and I you not, I almost stayed but it’s wrong for me to have thoughts like that for my best friend’s girl and I’m still bitter so…

“I gotta uh… I’m gonna go to the cafe, yeah that’s where I’m going. To the cafe, to prep and yeah.”
Before anyone could question, I was out the door and breathing in all the fresh air my lungs could hold, but not before I heard her say, ‘but the cafe is closed…’

I should have thought of a better lie because even I wouldn’t believe me. I don’t know where I was going, but I eventually ended up at the bar on the corner of 7th and thought I could drown my thoughts; I needed to be without them for a while. It was still a little early in the evening but the bar was bustling with people.

“I’ll just have a beer.”
I said to the bartender as I sat on the stool. Once he handed me the beer, I downed half its contents; it’s been so long and yet I still taste her name whenever I drink, I can’t get away from her.

*Flashback*

Despite the things people have said about her I loved her endlessly. She was everything I wasn’t and I was convinced she completed me. It was our third anniversary together and since I wasn’t able to celebrate with her on the day of, I wanted to surprise her. She was supposed to be working late tonight so I knew I had time to prepare and I had everything: flowers, candles, her gifts, I even planned to scatter the flower petals in a mock pathway to the table where I’d set up dinner.

The door to my place was unlocked and I was a little cautious as I entered until I saw her keys hanging on hook and her clothes scattered on the floor leading to the bedroom; I thought maybe she came home early to surprise me. I placed the things on the couch and followed her trail of clothes to the room we shared. The door was cracked ajar, but before I went in I could hear things… things like grunting, and I saw a pair of jeans that weren’t mine. Once I pushed the door open, she was beneath some guy with a scruffy beard and a beer belly. I was shocked, disgusted… I was so angry I couldn’t even think.

“Jack-Jackson…”
She pushes scruffy off her and wraps my shirt around her body as if it were going to protect whatever face she had left. She approached me but I didn’t want to be touched, honestly I couldn’t even see her. All I know was I couldn’t control my anger and my fists made constant contact with scruffy’s face. I don’t even remember what happened, but she managed to pull me away and he left the apartment with his hand holding his nose in place and dripping blood on my floors. My fists were bruised and stained with his blood and she sat there just watching me, still halfway dressed.

“I thought… I thought you weren’t going to be home.”
She whispered as she kept her gaze locked on the ground. I laughed so hard that I had to clutch my stomach.

“That’s what you have to say about yourself? Oh my god, you really are crazy.”
I continued to laugh at her but it really wasn’t funny, it hurt like hell but I was laughing like it was a joke.

“You lied about working late and you were ing some dude on MY bed in MY house and all you have to say is that you thought I wouldn’t be home. You have ing insane and you have no shame.”
I laughed, I laughed so hard I didn’t know if it was because I was hurt or if I was the one who was crazy.

“Jack -”

“Just get out.”
I didn’t say much to her as she left my apartment, I didn’t even look at her as she left. I just sat there and looked at my hands and thought about what I’d done to end up where I was.
*End of Flashback*

“Want me to call someone for you?”
By now the bartender knows why I’ve come and why I haven’t left.

“Nah, my car is outside.”
I say as I stumble off the barstool.

“You’re in no condition to drive, I can call a cab.”
He insists, but don’t want to go home; I just want to feel nothing for a while longer.

“I know, I’m not gonna drive I’m just gonna sleep until I’m sober enough to drive. Thanks for the drinks.”
I gave him a big tip because I felt sorry he had to listen to me whine about my life. When I got to my car I felt the vibration of my phone in my pocket; the name on the caller ID used to make the butterflies in my stomach dance, but now it just reminds me of how I’m not good enough for her.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been home and I’m sure Y/N and Jinyoung are barely missing me. I’ve been staying with my brother because I needed some time to sort out my feelings.

“Are things not good at home? You’ve been here for like a month, the last time you spent this much time here was when… you know.”
If it were anyone else they’d probably ask me to leave, but he’s my brother so of course he wouldn’t. Right?

“No things are fine really. It’s just been a long time since I’ve seen you, thought it’d be nice if we could catch up and spend some time together, you know, like old times.” 
He gives me that look he used to always give me when we were younger, the one that saw right through me.

“You’ve barely come out of that room… what’s really going on Jackson?”
He knew, I couldn’t keep pretending anymore and I couldn’t keep wallowing in my own self pity.

“It’s just… it’s kinda stupid and selfish…”
He gives me a look as if prompting me to continue and I ponder for a second if I should just make something up but if I don’t get it out it’ll probably keep eating at me.

“There’s this girl, I really liked her and honestly I thought she really liked me too. There was two other guys who really liked her too and…”

“Did you know them?”
He asks as he casually sips his tea, still giving me the look that sees everything.

“Yeah, pretty well…”

“How well?”

“As if they were my own brothers.”
At the mention of the word brothers, he knew I was talking about Mark and Jinyoung. But honestly anyone who knows me enough would know.

“ - it’s like we were all in competition for her or something, even though it wasn’t really a competition. It’s just… we’ve been together for so long that it seems we’re always a packaged deal you know? I’m tired of being a packaged deal.”
I look up at my brother and I can see it in his eyes that he understands where I’m coming from, but he also looks like he’s going to tell me how wrong I am.

“I wanted her to chose me, I really thought she was feeling me too but she chose Jinyoung. Yeah I’m sad that she didn’t chose me but I’m even more disappointed that I can’t feel happy for him. He’s my best friend and he fell for a great girl and I’m so bitter that I can’t even be happy for him. How selfish is that?”
I put my head in my hands as I try to hide my shame. But who am I kidding? I should feel even more ashamed because of this.

“First, I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you wanted them to but come on, if things did then life would be too easy wouldn’t it? Listen to what I’m about to say, you may not agree and I’m not just saying them because I’m your brother okay?”
He finishes he tea and places the cup carefully in the sink before coming back to sit across the table from me.

“You’re still young Jackson. Do you know how many more people you have yet to meet? How many more people you have yet to even like? Or even how many people who are still waiting to meet you? I know it seems like she was the one but you thought you know who was the one for you and look at you now. As for Jinyoung, he’s been your friend since you guys were in diapers come on. Don’t you think it’s unfair to hold this against him? It’s not his fault that she wanted to be with him right? Imagine how you would feel if Jinyoung was in your shoes right now. Something like this should not hold enough power to stray you away from the friendship you share with Mark and Jinyoung.”
I knew my brother was right the moment he started talking and it just seemed that everything made sense once they came out of his mouth.

“Stay here for as long as you’d like and think about what I said. When you’re ready to be a good friend again, make sure you don’t let something like this happen anymore.”
He gave me a comforting pat to my shoulder as he made his way out of the room, leaving to ponder the things that were said. I knew I had to make peace with it eventually.