I’m not even sure when it happened; hell I don’t even know HOW it happened. All I know is one day I woke up and I liked her; I couldn’t stop thinking about her smile and how her laugh made my entire being react in absolute joy. She’s great, really. She laughs at all my jokes, she makes jokes to me and she’s always up for anything. She’s incredibly smart and careful and I just… I fell for it and I fell for her, so hard! It’s so scary though, thinking about how much I like her and how much of myself I have already invested into liking her. I guess you could say it has been a while for me; not because I’m not likable or good looking - because we all know that’s not true - but because it’s hard to find someone whose real. Throughout my middle and high school life I’ve met a lot of people and when I had my first REAL girlfriend in high school I really thought I was in love. I was so deep into it that I couldn’t imagine a day without her; I wanted to marry her, to have kids with her and build a future together. I was so stupid and so in love with her that I didn’t see when late texts turned into ignoring me, when cancelled dates turned into her meeting with other guys, when ‘we should take a break’ turned into ‘I’m breaking up with you’.

I won’t lie, it really messed me up BECAUSE she was the first and I don’t want to blame her but after that I just had a hard time trusting the intentions of other girls; it’s like she ruined everyone else for me. It turned me into a bad person, I could have had a good girl again but because I was so paranoid I ended up playing the . I guess sooner or later I used that as a means to get out of things; I was painted as the so I played the role. It’s terrible, I can only think about what those other girls were thinking when they dated me. It also makes me sad that I could have potentially ruined everyone else for them. If I could go back in time I would definitely change that about myself. But would I even be who I am today if I changed that? I don’t think so. Mark and Jinyoung really helped me a lot during that time and they really understood my actions; they never agreed but they understood. They kept telling me that it wasn’t going to do me any good if I was always going to play the , that it wasn’t going to help me get over the fact that the first girl I ever loved was a lying, cheating and manipulative person. I was young and stupid, I didn’t know girls were capable of such things.

Yes, I had my fair share of girls over those years. I had hookups and short relationships; it’s almost like I dated every girl in our high school. The girls knew how I was but yet they always wanted my attention. Some even called me out on being an , they said that I was only acting like one because of her, and if I couldn’t get over it then it means I’m just bitter. Well you know what, I WAS bitter. You give someone all that you are, you love them with all that you are so how could they lie and cheat? What more do you have to do to prove yourself? No, you shouldn’t even HAVE to prove yourself, you should have enough confidence and faith in your significant other that you don’t need them to hand over their entire being for your pleasure. But of course, I denied their every accusations but I knew they were right.

Then there was her…
With her bright eyes and smiling face, with her colorful personality and wild heart. My heart never raced the way it does whenever she’s around. But why? Why did it have to be the girl that Mark brought around? With Mark it would definitely be impossible for me to get her because Mark is EVERYBODY’S type. You ask a girl and they would basically describe Mark as their ideal type, seriously ANY GIRL, I’m telling you. Also, there’s almost NO denying that he likes her too! You can see it in his body language, when they’re talking, when he’s talking about her and just when she’s around; his entire aura changes. But that’s not the only thing that makes me nervous about this; it’s the way I feel when I’m with or around her. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time because I didn’t want to allow myself to feel it. Because she’s opening the vault to those feelings, it makes me nervous about what else she could do to me…

“What could possibly have you thinking this hard on a Saturday?”
She plops onto the couch and sinks close to my body, completely catching me off guard as she does so.

“Oh nothing. Just thinking about all the studying I have to do but alas, here I am, sitting on the couch.”
She laughs as she turns on the tv and opens a bag of chips.

“I agree. We should do something today and take a break from studying actually.”
I was too aware of how close she was to me and how her voice was like a song you never wanted to stop hearing.

“…so do you wanna or???”

“Uhh sorry. What was that?”
I spaced out to thoughts of her that I didn’t even realize she was talking to me.

“Do you want to go camping for the weekend? My uncle has this cabin just a little ways from here. We could tell Mark and Junior and invite some of our other friends to tag along and we could totally grab some booze and just have a good time; pretend that school doesn’t exist for a couple days. Doesn’t that sound so nice?”
It did sound nice; I would love to get away from all of this studying for a couple days.

“Definitely, I think we could all use a couple days to recuperate. You always have good ideas!”
I placed my arm around the back of the couch and she comfortably sank into me and laid against my arm.

“I know. I’ll ask my uncle first and then text people to see what they think. Meanwhile, you can tell Mark and Jinyoung about it, I’m sure they’ll be up for it too. I’ll see you later.”
I took a deep breath as she left the apartment and also leaving a small trail of her perfume as she walked out.

I know it’s a bad idea because theres so many people here; I don’t even know half of these people, I swear the people she invited even invited other people to come along. It’s a bad idea because I have a feeling that something is going to go wrong, and I’m usually almost always right when I have a bad feeling in my gutt.

“Jackson, you okay man?”
Mark hangs from my shoulder as the smell of alcohol reeks from within his pores. You know it’s bad when Mark gets drunk…

“Yeah man, just looking for Y/N. Have you seen her?”
There are too many guys here, and everyone is pretty much wasted, I can’t risk anything happening to her.

“N-n-nope.”
He hiccups in my ears and practically leans his entire body weight onto me.

“Come on man, let’s go sit on the couch.”
His eyes are half closed but he doesn’t resist me as I bring him over to the couch where I spot Jinyoung walking over - well more like tumbling over.

“No, not you too…”
Mark’s limp body falls onto the couch and I catch Jinyoung’s wavering body before he trips on his own two feet.

“Oh it’s you Jackson. Man, I love you man.”
Jinyoung slurs as he throws both his hands around my neck closing me in a tight hug. The smell of alcohol on his breath could be enough to get another person drunk.

“Yeah, I love you too J. Come on let’s get you over there by Mark okay?”
Jinyoung’s body doesn’t protest as I walk the few feet back to the couch. He lays himself onto the couch and almost immediately closes his eyes. Since when was I supposed to be the sober one?

*Jackson flashback*
“Jackson, Jackson… Jackson, you okay? Can you breathe?”
A voice asks. He opens his eyes and the image of Jinyoung slowly makes its way into his blurred mind.

“Jinyoung?”
He slurs as he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you good?”
Jinyoung pays close attention to Jackson but keeps looking to Mark as if silently asking for his help.

“Jackson, you gotta stop doing this man.”
Mark says as he helps Jinyoung raise Jackson up. They sling Jackson’s arms on both of their shoulders as they tried to walk him home. Jackson’s feet dragged across the cement and he made barely audible sounds as they walked.

“He’s just using it as an outlet, he’ll snap out of it.”
Jinyoung knew that if Jackson didn’t stop now, or get help, he wasn’t going to be able to get out of it.

“No, if he doesn’t stop now then who knows where he’ll end up next. This is getting out of control.”
Mark was tired of always saving Jackson; he was still breathing and able to comprehend but what would happen if there wasn’t a next time?

“Elena…”
Jackson mumbles as his head hung and his feet continued to drag.

“Elena is gone Jackson.”
Jinyoung answers as he holds tightly to Jackson trying to support his body.

“Why, where did she go? Why didn’t she wait for me?”
Jackson whispers as he sniffs. Was he crying again?

“You guys broke up four years ago Jackson. She isn’t waiting anymore.”
Mark was annoyed, he didn’t want to keep having this conversation with him, he wanted Jackson to get over it and know that she broke up with him because she was a spoiled, attention-seeking, inconsiderate person.

“What did I do…”
Jackson was sobbing now, but they let him scream as loud as his lungs could bare because it was late and no one was around. Jackson’s drunken nights always ended like this: he’d get face wasted and then sob about her. That was really the only time he spoke of her or when his feelings shown through his facade. Jackson had everyone fooled, everyone except himself, Mark and Jinyoung. The three of them shared things with each other that they would never dare to speak of to anyone else and because of that, it was easy for Mark and Jinyoung to see right through him.

“You didn’t do anything Jackson, she was bad for you.”
They lay Jackson on a patch of grass that looked over a small pond. The crickets singing and the sound of the water was always soothing at this time and it gave Jackson time to breathe in as much of the fresh air as he could.

“Heres some water, come on drink it.”
Jinyoung lifted the water to Jackson’s lips. Though most of it slipped from the corners of his mouth, some managed to get into his mouth.

“Why did she leave me? I-I loved her, I-I wanted every-everything with her.”
He managed through sobs as he tried to catch his breath.

“I know, I know you did. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to.”
Jackson woke up the next day in his bed with a pounding headache and no memory of the night before.

“You’re alive.”
Mark smiles as Jackson makes his way to the kitchen to raid the fridge.

“Yeah, what happened last night?”
He rubs his head as he downs a big glass of water. Mark and Jinyoung looked at each other as they did every time Jackson asked them what happened the night before.

“With the way you two are looking at each other, I don’t even want to know. It must have been a good night if I can’t remember it.”
He walked back to his room and slumped into his bed once more. That’s how it always went, he wouldn’t remember the night before but he would never be able to get the taste of her off his tongue, no matter how much he tried to drown her in alcohol.
*end flashback*

I found her in the center of a group of guys who I swore were looking at her as if she were food and they hadn’t eaten in days.

“Hey Y/N, come here.”
I made my way through them and pulled her away. They weren’t too happy but like I said earlier, I didn’t want to risk anything happening to her.

“Jackson!”
She screamed as she threw her arms around me. First Mark, then Jinyoung and now her… I have to get all of these people out of here before something bad happens. I’m the only one who seems to be sober and me versus people doesn’t sound too good.

“I’m going to set you with Mark and Jinyoung okay? Then I’m going to get everyone out of here so you can sleep.”
She doesn’t protest as I walk her to the couch where Jinyoung and Mark were fast asleep.

“Alright everybody, party’s over. Go home.”
I turned off the music and yelled over all the loud drunks who seemed to take over every part of this cabin. I got angry glares from people, some even cursed at me but it didn’t matter because I had to clear out this cabin. I’m glad to see I wasn’t the only sober one there; some girls were pretty sober as they pulled out their friends or boyfriends and some guys were pulling out their friends as well. And surprisingly, everyone left within the hour.

After it was silent I felt like I could finally hear my own thoughts.

“This place is a mess…”
There was trash everywhere; the floors were dirty from people’s muddy shoes, red cups, glass bottles and cans were all over the place. It was going to be so much work to get it cleaned up before we leave. I took her to her room because I didn’t want her to be in the middle of Mark and Jinyoung if they woke up to throw up or something. As I was pulling the blanket over her she clung tightly to my wrist.

“It’s just me Y/N.”
I whispered to her as I crouched down to her level and pushed aside the pieces of hair that covered her face. She didn’t speak but she patted the space next to her as if asking me to stay.

“Want me to stay with you?”
She nodded slightly and I swallowed a huge lump that I didn’t even know was in my throat as I climbed into her bed. She wrapped herself around me and breathed deeply.

“Thank you Jackson.”
I didn’t miss the strong stench of alcohol on her breath but I nodded, she’s asleep so it’s not like she could see but I was completely at a loss of words because of how close she was to me.

“I always liked you.”
Her words burned holes into me. She liked me? Is she just drunk? You know they always say a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts? What if she doesn’t remember in the morning? Because of my pride, I wouldn’t be able to bring this up to her again.. And that I’m telling you is why I’m completely ed up and fed up with feelings.