When Jinri was six, she heard a song play on the radio that went “all you need is love, love~ Love is all you need”. She, her mom, and her dad were on the way to her grandmother’s house for the holidays. Her mom and dad was nodding to the song, along with some occasional hummings, when she said from the back seat, “but there are so many other things you need!”

“What, honey?” her mom responded to her, still immersed in the song.

“He said all you need is love. But I need much much more! I need food and biscuits, I need… hmm… bed and Mr. Teddy Bear to sleep, I need toys, I need… so many stuff!” she thought hard to remember the things she need, to explain what she meant.

Her mom laughed. “What he meant was; if you have love, even if you don’t have anything, you can be happy. Would you be happier if you have toys or if you have mommy to love you?”

“Hmm…. mommy. Because I can ask you to buy me toys so I can have both!”

Her mom just laughed at that.





They moved to a new place when she was in the fourth grade. It was in a huge city, and they didn’t live in a house anymore like they did before. They moved to something called an apartment, her mom has told her.

In the first week there, her dad kept coming home late. But on the fifth night, Jinri woke up and saw that the light in the living room was on. Daddy must be home, she thought, so she came out to see him.

When she reached the door, she heard voices of her mom and dad, but her dad sounded… angry. She peeked first before coming out, getting a bit scared of the high tone and the loud voices of her parents. She saw her dad pointing fingers at her mom, and saw that her mom had planted her face in her hands, before her hands went over to her forehead while she sat herself on the sofa with her elbows resting on the sofa’s arms. They froze for a moment and then his dad went to his and her mom’s room, her mom still sitting there without a movement.

Jinri closed her door and ran back to bed.

The next day, she pretended she saw nothing.





After that night, Jinri had made it a habit to close the door after her mom tucked her in. She didn’t want to see or hear anything, she didn’t even want to imagine anything like what she had seen that night. And she didn’t, for a few months. Maybe because it really was a one time thing, maybe because she always went to sleep with her head under the blanket.

But one night, the sound went through her blankets, and even woke her up. Not just voices of her parents, but also the sound of things (books?) falling on to the floor.

Jinri shut her ears with her hands, shut her eyes, and sank deeper under her covers.





For a few months after that, the collection of voices heard in the middle of the night just kept adding up. Voices of her parents. Sound of chairs being kicked. Sound of things hitting a surface--floor, sofa, she didn’t dare think of what other surface they hit. Sound of a stifled sob.

Each time, she tried to recall an image of her mom and dad, happily in each other’s arms, until one night, she just couldn’t.

The next day, while her mother was cooking, she asked her mom whether she loved her dad.

She said, “of course, honey.”

Then, Jinri asked her again, “does dad love you?”

Her mother pretended she didn’t hear her question.





When Jinri was 11, she lived with her mom near her aunt’s house. In the holidays, she went to her grandmother’s house with her mom, her uncle, and and her aunt.

She heard a song play on the radio that went “all you need is love, love~ Love is all you need”.

Maybe love is all you need. But some love are just not really love, and some love you have to walk away from.