Kim Jongin can feel his whole muscles aching with every movement he forces his body to do. He can feel his hips giving out. Hell, he can't even feel his hips anymore. He tries to distract himself by telling himself what to do, where to step next, voicing the dance steps in his head, even though he knows that by now, his body can probably move itself without him telling it what to do because he knows the routine all too well.

(Truth is he helped choreographing it and now he wonders why the hell did he even put those moves in)



He remembers using this method a long, long time ago, back when he used to have ballet classes after school. Back then, his ballet teacher would scold him every time he does the moves wrong and he, being a boy who lived with 3 women in the house, was not used to that kind of treatment and would feel the urge to cry. And so he’d fight it by dictating the instructions and pointers about the moves in his head. It didn't really work though back then, because he usually ended up tearing up while dancing and his teacher would stop him from dancing.

Now, of course, he wouldn't cry. Instead, he scrunch up his face in pain--which his fans always think of as his 'fierce' face—and just keep dancing because ever since his debut stage (or maybe since he entered the company) stopping has never been an option anymore.



Halfway through the song, the pain has become unbearable, so his movements got sharper, bigger, more powerful, because he’s forcing his body even harder. Sharper, because he now moves with greater urgency. (He needs to get his hands here. He needs to get his legs in that position. His hips there. His shoulders here.) Bigger, because the pain has made him unable to do the little movements, his fluidity non-existent. More powerful, because, well, he needs to use more power to move his body, it's like his body no longer listens to him.



Just a little longer. His part has passed, and he thinks he managed to actually made his voice heard, rather than only moving his lips and letting his group mate do the part. So. What is left is that one chorus. His arms now feel like they are about to fall off his shoulders, his feet feel like those jell-o's he used to eat on weekend mornings when he was little, and his hips. His hips are long gone. Jongin wishes he can just drop it right there and then, and fall on a soft comfortable bed but no, he should endure it, and endure he did.

It's their last week of promotion after all (which is why the pain is much more than usual and amplifies faster than it usually does), next week he can just be in bed every day all day, he thinks. He finds out later that, nope, his bed would have to wait.



Jongin breathes heavily as he stands still in the last position of the choreography, back against the audience, having trouble with controlling his breathing. Once his breath is fairly even, he lifts his head, breathes in deeply, and turns to the audience as he puts on a dazzling smile. It was a bit of an awkward smile, but dazzling, nonetheless. He shakes away all the thoughts of walking away to rest, because he still has to be there for the interview that follows their performance today. So he keeps that smile on. He prays that he wouldn't be interviewed because he might just snap at the interviewer because he's tired and he's cranky because of it.

But of course, eventually, the time would come when the interviewer turn to him for a ‘little talk'. The interviewer said he did great ("Our dancing machine Kai did so well as the lead dancer!"). She said he was 'charismatic' and 'fierce' and "Wow your expressions were so y" and Jongin feel like putting a straight face and telling them well do you have any idea how my bones could break from doing that to entertain you guys for at least 4 times a week for 2 months straight but instead, being a good boy, he puts on a smile and nods several times while saying "Ah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys, I love you!" and does a heart gesture and doesn't forget to chuckle awkwardly for a bit, to portray his 'shyness'. He wonders if anyone can see the exhaustion behind all that.



He remembers a conversation with Taemin one night in their trainee days. They were on the rooftop, just the two of them, after long hours of dance practice. Taemin usually came there with his vocal training partner to practice and he had brought Jongin there that night to show Jongin his little ‘hideout’. Away from the hectic training routine, suppressive trainers, and the judging eyes of other trainees. They just sat there for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence between them, until Taemin opened up a conversation.

“Hey, Jongin.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I’ll change after I debuted?”

“Of course you will, you’ll look less ugly than you do now.” Jongin said with a grin on his face.

Taemin smacked his head. “That’s not what I mean, you idiot. I mean would my personality change? Would I become arrogant, or lazy, or…. I don’t know, pretentious? Would I hide my real self from public? Would the public even like me?”

“Wouldn’t that be your choice?”

“Choice?”

“Yeah, I mean, isn’t changing who you are a choice? You can choose to be satisfied with your current self, or otherwise, I guess you would probably change, or as you said, hide your real self.”

“Hmm.”

“But I personally prefer the Taemin I know right now.”

“Aww that’s adorable, you’re sweet-talking.” Taemin crooned and pinched Jongin’s cheeks a bit too hard.

Jongin slapped away Taemin’s hands and frowned, “That hurts! Stop treating me like a kid.”

Taemin just laughed. There is another moment of silence between them.



“Hey, Jongin.”

“Hmm.”

“If I end up being pretentious and hiding my real self, will you be able to tell? Will you still see Lee Taemin and what I really feel behind my pretentions?”

“I think so. I’ve known you for years. But do you—do we—really have to do that? Be two-faced?”

“The way you say it makes it sound like such a disgusting thing to do. But yes, I think it needs to be done at some point. To meet people’s expectations.”

A long silence came after that.

As the interview concludes and he walks to the backstage—still not erasing the smile on his face in case the fans are still paying attention—Jongin now understands that being pretentious and hiding his real feelings is not a choice, it’s an obligation.