My eyes stuck on that person. No matter how much I wanted to look away, my eyes kept searching for that person. And my luck was always bad. Every time I looked at him, it was a heartbreaking sight that tore me apart inside out. I remembered the closeness that we had. I remembered his sweet smile, his caring gesture and his playfulness. I remembered how my heart always jumped every time I stayed around him. I had been feeling this way for that person since the day he came to the group.

I noticed my feelings for that certain person while our friendship was going strong. I admired that person from the first meeting and the fact that we’re trained in the same group made me happy. I began to know that person closer through the training days. We became close friends, considering we’re one of the few trainees that already trained for so long as we’re put into the same group. It was a large group but both of us confined with each other because of the similarity we held. I had grew a liking to that person by the time weeks passed but being a coward, not expressive guy I was, I couldn’t tell him what I haved for him. I, in fact, was in love with my close friend.

Then, he came. The new trainee which was added after a few of the original members left. I saw him first but I’m not a person to warm up with people in a short time so I just watched him from my seat. I noticed the first person who walked to the newbie was Jisoo hyung. Talking few bits, Jisoo hyung brought him around and introduced him to each of us. From then, I knew his name. Yoon Jeonghan.

“Welcome to the group, Jeonghan ssi.” Two males chorused together as Jisoo brought the newbie to the last members to be introduced.

“Ah, Cheol ah. He’s the same age as us.” Jisoo said to one of the males.

My mind traced back the memory. The first words they exchanged between them and I watched from the side line.

“Oh keurae?” Seungcheol’s eyes shifted from Jisoo to the new guy. “Let’s be a good friend then, Jeonghan ah. I’m Choi Seungcheol.” Seungcheol gingerly stretched his hand to Jeonghan. The newbie took the hand and shook it with a smile. The other male smiled.

“Nice to meet you and I really hope we can get together pretty well.” 

I still remembered. The smile, I couldn’t deny it, that first smile of his was beautiful. Way too pretty for a guy. And I remembered how that person lightly smiled and faintly blushed. At that moment, I felt something that I never imagine I would feel. Jealousy.

It didn’t stop there; in fact, my jealousy grew as the time passed. At first, a distance between that person and I wasn’t clear. Everything was still fine. I’m still his close friend, his favourite. We spent a lot of time together and at times, Jeonghan hyung would be there too. But we stayed like that, as a normal friend in a group. Everything changed from that day, breaking me little by little in rapid pace.

“Jihoon ah.” I turned. His voice suddenly turned so serious making me wonder. “Can we talk?”

“You sounded so serious, Cheol hyung.” He sat beside me on the floor. His fingers fiddled with the hem of his jacket. I watched every movement of his, trying to search what the matter he wanted to talk with me. “If it’s about our mission, don’t worry. We will get it over perfectly, that’s the matter.” The elder shook his head after my words. I watched as he opened his mouth. The words I heard after made me stiffened.

“It’s not about that. Jihoon ah, I think I fall in love.” I couldn’t decipher the next word he said but as I swam through the numerous thoughts in my head, I realized he was talking about the person who made him fell in love which was not me. “I’m afraid. But the attraction is too much. I really want to let him know but I’m afraid. What should I do, Jihoon ah? Should I tell Jeonghan the truth?” I just stared blankly at him who was looking down nervously. The name made my breath shallower; I felt it stuck in my throat. What I had been afraid of was happening before me and I couldn’t move a muscle right now.

“Jihoon? Jihoon ah?” His calls made me searched for his eyes again. The worry on his face caught me back to the reality.

“Uh? Sorry. What was it again?” I couldn’t believe myself when I managed to say that in one breath. I didn’t understand myself at the moment. I heard him took a breath.

“I need your opinion. Should I tell Jeonghan my feelings?” I heard my heart shattered as he spoke slowly laced with uncertainty. Hidden from him, I clenched my fist to suppress the sadness. Clumsily collecting myself again, I took a breath.

“It depends on you. I dunno what is the best for this. I’m not an expert.” He exhaled once I smoothly voiced out my words.

“You’re not helping.”

I smiled crookedly. “I’m sorry.”

That day, I cried so much after he left and I locked myself in my studio. I didn’t go out from the studio, spending my time inside. I didn’t realize that the date had changed. Luckily at those days, there’s no filming for the debut project program. I tried to find my peace. He did came knocked on the door the next day but I dismissed him with firm tones. Maybe knowing he wouldn’t be able to get inside; he had Soonyoung waiting at the door the next day. I opened the door for Soonyoung. I couldn’t bear listening to his nonsense outside the door so I let him in. For the first time ever, I cried in front of someone and let everything out because I couldn’t do it alone anymore. And it happened to be Kwon Soonyoung, another person I treasured dearly, my best friend.

After knowing what that person felt for him, I had been miserable. I put on a strong front; I didn’t want to risk for my feelings to be known. I didn’t want to face a rejection. At those times, Soonyoung stayed by my side and I’m thankful that he didn’t think weirdly of me for loving my own close friend. That person still came around to me. I still treated him the same but I noticed we’re not the same anymore. The time we spent together was lessened and I realized he got to spend more time with that person instead of me. We even involved in fight. I never, ever thought we will fight but that day, we did and it was the start of our cold days.

It was just a simple day where we’re working on a song together in my studio. My condition wasn’t good because of the stress to finish our debut song perfectly.

I watched as he slammed the paper on the table. The loud ‘bam’ shocked me, and when I looked up, Seungcheol was glaring at me angrily. The anger in his eyes terrified me, but I still kept a blank face on. “Why you’re like this?” He spoke out with hard tone. I stared at him.

“Like what?”

“Jihoon, I’m here just to discuss about my lyrics but you keep snapping at me.” I saw rage in his eyes. Internally I was scared because he never got mad like this but holding onto my pride, I raised my brow.

“I didn’t.” He clenched his fist to my nonchalant tone.

“You know what Jihoon, you’re getting so much of yourself since you’re titled as Seventeen’s producer.” He took a breath and continued to glare at me. I didn’t lower my eyes, staring back. “You, you’re thinking too highly of yourself and just want everyone to match with you. You are not even thinking of others’ feelings.” He got up, kicking the seat backward in the process. I looked at him in disbelief. His words, I could not accept that. What did he knew about me that he could say like that?

“You don’t say that, hyung. I admit I have been in such a bad mood these days, the kids kept getting scolded by me everyday. But I did it for the best, our song here needs perfection. This is our debut song, first title song we’re recording. I can’t let it done halfheartedly. Everything you just said about me is not true at all!” Unconsciously, I snapped back at him. He looked surprise but then he glared at me intensely. I gulped.

“Fine, do it. However you want Lee Woozi. It’s all your words that matter, since you’re more superior than I am as Seventeen’s general leader.” He said coldly and left. I watched as the studio’s door closed. A heavy sigh passed my lips. I regretted my words but nothing could be done, he needed to cool down before we could talk again. I wiped my tears. Those words hurt me more than anything else. For once, I doubt our close bond. The bond that we always described as no word needed between us.

‘You’re too much, Cheol hyung.’

That was our first fight. We reconciled, yes we did. But that’s it. We couldn’t be back like before; small fights and coldness came in between us. It felt like a wall had created in between us and after debuting, the biggest pain hit me like a truck. That person grew apart from me, becoming closer to him and new fans started to ship them. They’re the pair that had been a hot thing in the town. Every day, living was the hardest thing to do because I had to watch all of their moments. Every night, I would cry to sleep and each time I was found by Soonyoung, my best friend who hugged me to sleep, protecting me from those sadness and nightmares. Soonyoung did so much for me, thank you Soonyoung ah.

My train of memories stopped when a hand patted me on my back. I turned and saw a familiar dusty blonde. I searched for his eyes and the same concerned look stared into my own orbs. I smiled a little. The owner of the eyes mouthed, ‘be strong, Jihoon ah. It’s nothing.’ I nodded lightly to his words and Soonyoung walked back to his seat.

“Now, pose.” Seungkwan’s voice was heard in the background. My eyes trailed to the front and my heart constricted. The linked arms – even though it’s nothing, it’s still hurt for me. I watched with a forced blank face as fans’ cameras flashed hard to capture the moment of their favourite pairing.

“Jeonghan ah, Seungcheol ah. Here.” Few people called out their name to make them turned to the camera. The feelings were too much so I casually looked down, a crooked smile formed on my lips. My pinky bang fell, covering my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut and the tear I had been holding fell. I didn’t let anyone caught that. But Soonyoung always knew. When I looked up, he was looking. I just smiled, mouthing sorry. Soonyoung only nodded knowingly. His words repeated in my head.

“Just cry Jihoon. I will let you cry tonight and let’s hope you won’t be crying again tomorrow. Promise me you won’t ever cry for him anymore. I know it’s hard but don’t ever forget you have me with you.” Soonyoung whispered in between his soothing words. It was repeated every time Soonyoung found me crying to sleep. 

I was beyond thankful towards Soonyoung every time the blonde helped me.

I watched as they did another pose. The cheers and cameras’ flashes were loud and I didn’t like it any bit. The jealousy, the pain was too much to contain. I just hoped this event will pass by quickly. I love meeting the fans but I couldn’t bear to watch them together. It was too hurtful for me. I couldn’t do it. There were too many people, and too much feelings inside of me. All I wanted to do right now was crying but I couldn’t do it in the middle of the event, in front of a big crowd of people. And like a fool, a little part of me was hoping, that person would notice my feelings and my sadness. My only love.

My only one wish was that – Choi Seungcheol would see and come to me just like this.