“I can wait until my heart bleeds with sorrow.” 

The Orange Girl, Jostein Gaarder

 ♦ Ha Yun ♦

Ha Yun woke up with a loud thud and she sat on her bad in full alert.

It was the third night she was sharing the house with Jinki and that was the first time she heard such a weird sound.

She stood up barefooted and grabbed her big black sweater dressing it over her underwear.

She passed by the several boxes of paper work, Taemin, Jinki’s assistant at the bookstore has brought for him so he could slowly get back to work and walked into the hallway.

It was good that Jinki showed interest on the bookstore again, although it worried her that he didn’t want to do rehabilitation. He probably didn’t believe he could recover or was afraid that he couldn’t. Either way she was frustrated.

“Jinki?” she called walking in the direction of his bedroom.

“Don’t come!” He said rudely making her freeze in the middle of the hallway.

Yes he was sometimes still rude and a very hard person to deal with but things were better lately.

“Are you ok?” She asked worried.

“I’m fine!” he didn’t seem fine at all and she slowly walked to his bedroom ignoring his warning.

“I told you to not come!” He angrily remarked once she showed up at the door of his bedroom.

“Oh my God!” She cried worriedly, hastily kneeling beside him on the floor.

He probably fell from the bed and she helped him sit on the floor before she went to grab the wheelchair to help him sit on it so it would be easier to get him back on the bed.

“Please go away!” he asked avoiding looking at her and Ha Yun ignored him, pushing the chair and placing it beside him.

That’s when she noticed that he was only in his pajama pants, his chest bare. Well she was almost too and he could probably see her from the position he was in, it didn’t matter. His well-being was more important.

Ha Yun grabbed his arm and tried to pull him up but he stubbornly pulled it away and covered his pants with his hands.

That made her confused and Ha Yun stood there looking at him.

“I-I wanted to pee…” He said in a whisper making her realize that he was covering his pants and a big wet stain on it. He was trying to go to the bathroom alone but fell and then peed himself cos he couldn't get to it on time.

That almost made her tear up and Ha Yun bit her lower lip trying hard to make a poker face instead. She could do that. She could help him without making him feel even worse than he already did.

“It’s ok. It happens! There was that time I dreamed that I went to the bathroom and I peed myself in bed!”

It wasn’t entirely true since she end up waking up on time and went to the bathroom but he didn’t need to know that part and it could have happened anyway.

Jinki looked at her with such an embarrassed expression that Ha Yun crouched in front of him and placed her hands over his.

“It’s ok, Jinki. You know you don’t need to hide anything from me. I won’t judge you or…”

“I feel useless….”

“You are not useless. You are just not used to this reality yet.” She stood up “Come. Let’s clean you up!”

She helped him get on his wheelchair again and then she pushed him inside the bathroom, in silence pretending to not notice his hand covering the wet spot on his pants.

She didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. She only wanted to hug or kiss him as if he was a little kid who just got a scratch on his knee.

However he wasn’t a kid anymore.

He was the man she loved.

 ♦ Jinki ♦

Ha Yun helped him sit on the chair that his parents bought for the shower, so he could wash himself alone. They wanted to get a nurse for him during the day while Ha Yun was busy but he completely rejected the idea. Instead his parents tried to change his house until it was perfect for a disabled man.

 Jinki didn’t say anything, still feeling extremely ashamed with what happened.

He was completely useless since he couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone now. He couldn’t do anything entirely alone and even Ha Yun was there to take care of him.

It made him feel like a nonsense in her life too.

Why did it end up being like this?!

What did he do that he deserved a fate like this?!

He was near tears when she kneeled in front of him.

He didn’t expect that and he didn’t expect what she did next. She gently placed her hands on the elastic of his pants and pulled them down his waist.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking off your clothes so you can wash yourself.”

“I can do that alone!”

“Let me help you.” She asked but he stubbornly pulled her hands away from him.

“Just cos I peed myself it doesn’t mean I can’t take off my clothes!” He answered bitterly but he regretted it immediately when she looked at him with teary eyes that matched his.

“Let me help you just this time ok? Can you stop being an idiot for a while? Let me take care of you!”

He released her hands and instead watched her take his pants off, carefully, avoiding touching him too much and doing it very respectfully.

She didn’t seem embarrassed to see him only on his underwear and he knew her actions didn’t have a second intention. She was truly taking care of him.

“I’m going to pick up some clothes for you.” She announced leaving the bathroom and him alone only on his underwear.

He stared at the open door from where she disappeared wondering why she was taking such a long time.

A muffled sound coming from the bedroom caught Jinki’s attention and he realized that she was probably crying and that was the reason she was taking so long to come back.

Crying because of the mess he become, because she didn’t know how to help him. Once again he was bringing pain to someone he cared about.

He couldn't even walk to her and hug her like she did to him before. Instead he stood there alone, hearing her cry, feeling like the lowest ever.

She came back later, avoiding looking at him in the eye, and left the clothes for him near the shower over a bench announcing that she would come back once he was finished.

He took his shower after taking his underwear off and used that opportunity alone to reflect on what just happened.

He didn’t want to cry anymore but he felt empty, the memory of how she looked at him when he was on the floor replaying over and over again on his head.

It wasn’t pity.

It was sorrow.

It hurt as much as the embarrassment he felt when he couldn’t reach the bathroom on time and peed himself.  Maybe even more.

Jinki cleaned his body the best he could with a towel and then took his time pulling the underwear up his legs. When he was presentable he called her name.

She asked him to let her help him and he was going to respect her request even though he could do it alone.

Ha Yun helped him dress up his pants and when she was going to push him on the wheelchair back to the bedroom he spoke to her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Jinki…”

“I don’t want to make you cry. I never wanted to make anyone I love cry.”

She seemed a little taken aback with his words but quickly smiled at him, making an effort to change the mood. “Aigo….It’s not like you can control my tears now. I don’t cry in a long time…you know me!”

He completely saw through her lies “You cried today…and you cried just now because of me.”  She didn’t answer and he wouldn’t believe her lies anyway “I don’t like to see you cry. I wish I could do anything.”

“Then think about the physiotherapy. Do it…for you and your parents and me! For the ones you love!”

He could swear her voice changed a little when she said the last part and that was sweet. “I’ll think about it!”

She transported him on his wheelchair back to his bed seeming satisfied with his answer.

He lied down on it again with her help, realizing that she changed the covers for him while he was showering.

They didn’t share any words about what happened and he was sure she wouldn’t mention it anymore to save him from the embarrassment.

“Good night!” She said after he pulled the covers over him. “The wheelchair is beside the bed but you can call me at any time for anything. You know that right? It’s not a hassle at all. I am happy if you do it, ok?”

Why was she so desperate to please him?! It hurt him inside how she was wasting her time there, with him.

Before Ha Yun walked away he grabbed her hand. “Thank you.”

He didn’t know any other way to put down in words how thankful he was for her presence in his life.

But even thank you didn’t seem enough to describe what he felt.