*Pict belongs to Park Sora

=========

 I recommend to read this while listening to Block B song titled 'It Was Love'

She doesn’t know how many more times she needs to spend to sit in one of those doctor’s office only to hear rejection after rejection over her prospect of being a mother. It always begins the same, the vital check is always great, blood pressure always perfect, and she’d declare healthy and ready to carry on. But then the doctors will take a look further into her medical record and they will begin to shake their heads, saying it’ll be hard and risky. Moreover, none of the doctor seems to be ready to take her under their wings if she stubbornly decided to continue on with her pregnancy, none of them can give her more than 25% rate of survival during the third tri-semester of her pregnancy.

“But Doctor Kang, you’re the best ObGyn in the country.” Cho Kyuhyun begins to bargain, “All other doctors gave up the first time they see her medical chart, can’t you please help us to have baby? We won’t risk her health if you say it’ll be compromised. But please, please consider abortion as our very last option doctor.”

“Cho Kyuhyun-ssi, if what you demand from me is a safe journey for your wife to carry on with this, I can’t promise you more than 25% of survival rate. We have no guarantee over the new heart she has at the moment, it could be healthy and it could be fragile also. As long as we don’t know who the donor is and their genetics history, I really can’t change my suggestion.” Doctor Kang explains his worries.

“What if she takes a full bed-rest during pregnancy?” He doesn’t plan to give up.

“Oh she will have to, obviously. But that’s not my main concern.” He takes Sera’s old MRI scan from the time when just got a new heart. “We can see here, that even though the new organ is perfectly attached and coordinates well in her body, it’s still grafts into her original artery and that kind of suture is weaker than any original organ. What I’m worrying about is the suture will leak at some point from the pressure she’ll get during pregnancy.” He explains more to the couple sitting in front of him.

“So what you’re saying is, no matter how great I did with my transplant, I will never be able to do this?” Sera takes her conclusion, “You’re saying that no matter what, I’m never built to ever carry a child in me?” Her voice begins to shake. It’s not the first rejection for her but it hurts the same every time she hears it.

Doctor Kang nods, “I’m sorry about that, Han Sera-ssi. I really wish I can help you, but as a doctor I took a vow to save life and do no harm. It’ll harm you if you continue with this and not only it’ll be danger for you, it’ll be danger for your baby also.”

Sera stares blankly ahead to the screen in front of her, not even sure what kind of emotion the attacks her right now. The word disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover what she feels, she’s angry but she has no right feel like so, she feels like crying but she’s too tired to shed more tears, she’s heartbroken from her own weakness and she never hates herself more in her whole life.

“But let’s say I can get some info about her donor and I can make sure that’s the person is genetically healthy, can we proceed with this? can you take risk to allow her to continue with this if I can provide you with those background facts?” Kyuhyun still tries his best to find a way out of their problem. He promised her to go the distance and he’s doing exactly that to make this possible for them.

“Probably.” It’s the first time doctor Kang sounds positive about her pregnancy, “But the fetus is continuing to grow, Cho Kyuhyun-ssi. We don’t have much time—in fact, it needs to be done by the end of this week otherwise it’ll be too harmful for your wife. Digging a donor background is not as easy as you might imagine, even if you find the bio, their families probably will object to the idea of sharing their personal medical record.”

“We still have four days, doctors.” He presses his tone, “I’m not giving up yet. Just tell me you’ll allow me to do this and I’ll do my best to gather all the info you need.”

Doctor Kang takes an intense look into the couple in front of him, the husband is clearly stubborn enough to suggested that kind of idea. The determination in his eyes is clear and seems like this man is not taking ‘no’ as an answer. Beside him, the wife seems very resigned. It’s like she’s ready to give up for this and the empty gloomy look in her eyes doesn’t make her desperation any better. They both seem like a beautiful couple that try to conceive and how could he, as a doctor shrinks their hopes.

“If, and I say this clear—if only you can provide me with the correct medical prove about her donor, then I might have a second thought about helping you guys.”

Kyuhyun takes a glance over to Sera on his left, reaching out to her to hold her hand. “We will try our best for that doctor.”

Han Sera forces to lift the corner of her lips to form a smile, but only makes a flat line on her face. She appreciates Kyuhyun’s effort to support her and she’s grateful that she can finally met a doctor that’s willing to help her out. But four days? Four days to collect all those evidence? No matter how smart Kyuhyun is, how many relations he has and no matter how many channels he can contacts to gain what they need, four days is too short for all those.

Sera sighs, she knows where this will lead into and she’s too exhausted with the overwhelming feeling that consumes her. She understands that she’ll have to say her goodbye to the baby she’s carrying eventually, and she has four days to pretend to be an expecting mother and enjoys her last moment being so.

*

When it comes to her heart, they both know the perfect person to call and they have booked an appointment with doctor Song the next day. Their appointment is not until the afternoon and that means Sera and Kyuhyun can do their regular activities until then.

Kyuhyun has to go to work this morning, feeling half-hearted to actually do that but he can’t leave his own office for too long and he has an important meeting with his old boss today. While Sera decided to spend her day outside their house, it’s too depressing for her to surround herself with the enclosed walls and somehow taking a walk gives her the sense of peace that she needs.

Sera begins her walk towards the park in the neighborhood at first, but the she still feels the restlessness in her heart so she decided to take a bus ride somewhere to the downtown. She will be forced to take a lot of rest in the next several days and she tries to spend her free time to release her stress this way—while she still can.

She walks along the stores just for a simple window shopping and finds herself intrigued to enter a baby shop on the corner. She knows she’s not supposed to dig deeper into her despair but she can’t help not to smile a little when she sees a pair of little hot pink All-Star baby slippers displayed on the front window. Sera enters the shop then begins to look around for cuter baby stuffs. For a moment she’s forgotten about her bitter truth and enjoys herself with all the little things specially made for the little human.

She overheard a couple is fighting over a baby bouncer they need to have once the baby is born in the far corner of the shop, she witnesses two friends are busy discussing which toys is decent to give to their friend’s child as a gift, she lays her eyes on the baby box that advertises as the adjustable one so its length can be adjust according to the baby growth. The store clerk in the next aisle is explaining the differences of the baby products to her costumer and Sera is there busy checking the cute onesies for a newborn.

A part of her wants to go to the clerk and begin to ask for the best product for her future baby, she wants to join the fighting couple and question them of the importance of the baby bouncer in real life, she wants to know how long the baby box can actually extend itself to provide the baby and she’s dying to join the two girls’ conversation just to share their excitement.

But she’s grounded.

She knows there’ll be no use to obtain all that information if she’s not going to use it in the end. No matter how much Kyuhyun is now fighting for her, she knows the answer the moment her doctor looked at her in the eyes. It’s like Sera and doctor Kang actually came to the same bad conclusion, but only played along to fight for some more for Kyuhyun’s sake—it’s almost like they can’t let him down just yet when Sera herself is already apathetic about her fate.

She gets out from the shop carrying a little bag contains of the baby slippers in her hand. If she wants to sink her pathetic life in deeper despair she might as well goes full blast and re-life the shortest 6 words saddest story ever written by Earnest Hemingway—‘For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.’

Sera walks herself along the pavement being absent minded about her surroundings. It’s ironic how many people that are actually walking around her but she feels so alone. She can’t call her mother-in-law because she doesn’t want to burden her more, she doesn’t want to bother Kyuhyun because she can’t look straight into his face without noticing his tired eyes, it is Sera herself that’s being balky about keeping her baby up until this point and she feels responsible for her own stubbornness that’s now begins to cause pains to her husband and his family. A very little voice in her head keep telling her that she should’ve get rid of her baby the moment she knew about its existence and doesn’t drag the matter this far for her new family.

Her blank mind suddenly distracted by another window display on the street, the difference this time is that she can actually have what she wants and keep it with her. Sera enters the café and points to the key-lime pie that stole her attention earlier then looks around to find a cozy spot to sit and decided to sit next to the big glass window to enjoy her afternoon snack.

Her taste bud is still compromise from her pregnancy but she still able to swallow down some dessert no matter what—although her main choice these days are the tardy kind instead of the sweet one. Bites after bites she enjoy with a glass of mineral water to help her gulp down her cake and it’s one of the time when she feels like her troubles aren’t that heavy for her to handle. Sweets make her world better even just for a while and she’s taking her time to cherish it.

She almost finish with her cake when she sees the people she least expects to meet in her life. Just right outside of the café, her ex-husband if walking hand in hand with the new Mrs. Ok laughing happily to the distance. Sera follows their gaze and spots a little kid is running playfully towards the couple before Taecyeon picks her up and carry her in his arm.

She’s stunned in her place not really sure of her feeling. It’s been a long time ago since their divorce and both of them have moved on. But it’s not that fact that makes her heart clenching inside her, it’s the fact that Taecyeon is now finally living the life that they could’ve have—and the life she will never be able to provide to Kyuhyun.

Sera can’t even allow herself to dig deeper into her pain as she soon figures that the couple is actually heading towards the very café she’s enjoying her afternoon in and she needs to figure out the quickest plan to hide away from them. There’s no way Sera will go through an awkward meeting with her ex-husband new family, looking like a mess the way she is, without her husband next to her for support and feeling like crap all the way through.

She takes her handbag and move the most corner seat in the other part of the café, hiding herself behind a wooden partition provide in the café and continuously wishes that they won’t pick the seat anywhere near her, there’re plenty of space in the café anyway.

As she wished, Taecyeon and Yoona pick a seat quite far away from her so she’s able to avoid any inconveniences with them but it only means now she has to sit patiently in her spot, waiting until they leave. Sera sits far enough not to be able to hear their conversation, but have enough distance to observe what’s going on with them. Seems like Taecyeon and Yoona finally able to hit it off just right after the ruined wedding she caused them years ago. Sera can’t help not to smile seeing the happiness is back in Taecyeon’s face and how he seems to be less tense—just like his old self when they first met. The little girls that’s now sitting next to him looks a lot like her mother and the way Taecyeon treats the little girl like adult really amuse Sera in some way. Maybe years ago if she didn’t have the accident that led to miscarriage it’ll be them sitting there with their little boy, maybe she will have the picture perfect family that she always dreams of.

Sera shrugs the thought and returns to her current life, she’s grateful for what she has with Kyuhyun and she can’t be happier to have her best friend stand by her side for the rest of their life. No, she never regrets what happened to her story and Taecyeon, it happened and somehow it has led her to the most loving man she could ever met in her life. She never compared her life before and after Kyuhyun and she doesn’t want to, her husband is the best man in the universe for her and she’s thankful for the blessing heaven has given her. Her only regret is the fact that Kyuhyun chose to fell in love with her. If he didn’t fell head over heels over her, none of her troubles would be his and none of her hardship will bother him. Kyuhyun probably will have his own happy family, with a healthy wife and beautiful children—instead of a sick and fragile wife that can’t even have a risky pregnancy.

She takes a deep breath to prevent herself from shedding another tears. It’s one of those days when she feels like she gets a huge punishment from heaven for a mistake she doesn’t understand. If people say karma does exist, then what kind of bad thing she’s done to deserve any of this? she’s been a perfect daughter for her parents until she got married, she’s done everything she could to create a happy marriage life for her ex-husband, she fought her best to stay alive instead of just giving up and commit suicide, she tried to have a second chance with the man she knew loves her to his very core—she can’t find a missing piece that proved that she’s a bad person. But why is she tested with various unfortunate event that sometimes is just too much for her to bear?

The cake she ordered has long gone into her stomach and she finished her glass of water already, she wants to leave the place but can’t do it just yet since the people she’s avoiding is still enjoying their afternoon tea time. Sera leans back into her chair and closes her eyes while her hand automatically caress her own tummy. Soon she will lose this, soon enough her world will crumble one more time and she must stay strong for herself and for Kyuhyun. Sera eventually understood why Kyuhyun always denied wanting any kids from her, it’s his way to prevent them for experienci