"What the is that doing here?"

 

My best friend, Sooyoung, has never been the most refined talker. Even though she looks elegant on the outside, designer clothes and a gifted face and all, can give the toilet a run for it's money. She's crass and rude and so overprotective that it doesn't surprise me that the first thing she says upon our arrival at the cabin is an insult.

 

The girl she's referring to --- AKA the --- is none other my ex-girlfriend Tiffany, who thankfully did not hear that.

 

"Narsha did say she was inviting some of her friends. Maybe they are," I say as I try to coax Sooyoung to calm down. "Friends, I mean."

 

"Whatever. Let's just leave." Sooyoung's eye twitches as she grips her traveller bag a little too tightly then turns to walk off and back to the car. I hold her back.

 

"Soo, no. We're staying. You need Narsha to secure that company interview you worked so hard for. Don't worry about me."

 

"Staying is a bad idea, Jess."

 

"So is living of off caffeine but we still do it anyway. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

 

 

---------

 

As it turns out, things did go bad. Real bad.

 

Narsha, our close friend and university alumnus, purchased a cabin in the middle of nowhere from the money she got for guilt tripping her rich divorced parents. For "housewarming," she invited some of the friends, including us, for a weekend getaway. There's a pool in the backyard, a legit cozy fireplace in the den, no neighbours close enough to call the police on us because we're being too loud; it's perfect.

 

Except for the fact it just now started raining hard. Oh, and my ex-girlfriend is here, too.

 

"So you bought a cabin in the middle of the woods with no neighbours in sight and now a storm is practically looming outside. If this isn't a horror story plotline starter pack, I don't know what is."

 

Normally, Sooyoung would be rejoicing about the boys Narsha are friends with who are present but the certain presence of my ex somehow got her a bit riled up. Which would always inevitably launch her into a sarcasm machine.

 

"Oh, relax Sooyoungie. Take a beer. Don't let little irrelevant circumstances bring out your inner killjoy," retorted Narsha as she hands her said alcoholic drink. "Food will be ready in a while."

 

Sooyoung accepts and says, "If the powers go out and we all start to die one by one, I'm blaming you." She then lifts her bottle a little for a toast gesture before taking a swig. Narsha cackles inelegantly.

 

Somehow, being in between Sooyoung and a guy sitting and drinking on the couch's armrest (Kyungsoo? Kento? K-something) makes me feel a little stuffy. Narsha is my friend, too, but for some reason I still have a hard time talking directly to her. So instead of asking her for another beer bottle, I take Sooyoung's and drink from it. A little alcohol always helps.

 

Including the four of us here in the den, there are eight people in this cabin. Two guys are cooking in the kitchen, one girl who came late is still cleaning up in her room, and another girl (Narsha's current fling, I'm guessing) is resting in Narshaa's room. You can guess why.

 

"God, I can't believe you guys are twenty one," Narsha says addressing us. "It seems like yesterday you were still cute little stammering freshmen asking for directions to the coffee shop."

 

"You three were college buddies?" asks the guy sitting next to me.

 

"Narsha was the hot senior in my department," says Sooyouung.

 

"Excuse your inner insecurity, I still am hot."

 

She notices the beer bottle in Sooyoung's hand is now empty and, bless her soul, brings out two bottles from the kitchen for me and Sooyoung. The guy's name is actually Kyungsoo, apparently, and he is Narsha's co-worker. He chats up Sooyoung to try and dig out Narsha's possibly embarrassing moments during her college days which my best friend is more than happy to supply. Narsha tries to shut them up the first five minutes before giving up and turns to talking with Tiffany, who's been only nursing one beer bottle this whole time.

 

The storm has intensified by the time dinner was ready that we had to close all the curtains to keep the noise down a bit. It was only then that we all get to know each other officially.

 

Taecyeon and Eric are young restaurant owners which automatically makes them this trip's official cooks by Narsha's book. The girl who arrived late is Eric's girlfriend. Her name's Yongsun and she's Narsha's cousin. The pretty girl Narsha's banging is named Gain and she's a medical student.

 

After dinner, I volunteer to clean up as Narsha herded everyone to the least noisy part of the room which is still the den. It won't be too hard since Narsha insisted I don't do it manually because, "dishwashers are made to wash dishes." I'd probably be even done by the time the guys finish transporting all the booze and snacks to the den. But still I took my time, hoping to spend the least amount of time with my ex in a single room.

 

It was a short-lived dream, though, as Narsha personally dragged me out to the kitchen to where the fun is when she thought I was taking a little too long.

 

"We're playing truth, dare, or strip," says Eric when we arrive. They are all sprawled on the floor.

 

"Lame. That is so high school," says Narsha as she settles beside Gain.

 

I walk towards Sooyoung who scooted over to give me a seat and I eye her warily. She only gives me a shrug and turns back to the game which is about to start. As expected, Narsha, in spite of her whining of the game's lameness, picks up the empty bottle and spins first. It lands on Sooyoung.

 

"Dare," she says immediately.

 

"Grind on Kyungsoo until he gets hard but no kissing."

 

Sooyoung rolls her eyes at Narsha. Typical of her to give out something ty. She takes a shot before heading straight to Kyungsoo's lap and starts grinding sensually. I won't lie. My best friend can totally pass as a stripper if she wanted to. She's more than hot enough and based on the eyes around the room trained on her performance, they all think so too.

 

When she was done, she stands and walks back to her seat as if nothing happened. I've always secretly admired this side of Sooyoung, how she controls her body so effortlessly and confidently. Sooyoung picks up the bottle and spins. It stops at Yongsun who chooses truth and met with Narsha's loud boos.

 

The bottle spun three more times until Narsha declared the game to be to boring and changes it to Never Have I Ever. Taecyeon makes a concoction of random drinks and confirmed it to be strong and disgusting before pouring all of us shots. He says it was to make it more punishment-like.

 

"Me first," Narsha says, of course. "Never have I ever slept with a drummer."

 

Yongsun gives her the finger before downing her shot, face contorting in disgust. Sooyoung drinks, too and surprisingly, so does Eric. We all looked at him expectantly but he just brushes it off with, "He was hot."

 

Gain, seated next to Narsha, gives out the second one. "Never have I ever skipped class."

 

Narsha gives out a comment about her being a geeky--nerd-turd as the rest of us down our shots. Taecyeon went next, then Eric, then Yongsun who decided to get back at her cousin.

 

"Never have I ever had in a public bathroom."

 

Unsurprisingly, Narsha drinks up. So did I and Tiffany. For some reason, however, everyone's attention was on me. Narsha's eyes goes so huge I was afraid they would come off. Sooyoung busies herself with some cheesy tacos so I'm left to fend for myself. It was pretty difficult with Narsha's constant "Who tainted my baby?" and the guys' "It's always the quiet ones."

 

It took a while before everyone could calm down and Kyungsoo gives his challenge. "Never have I ever," he says, scanning the area, "eaten a girl's ."

 

Damn, these people trying to get Narsha to lose are so uncreative. Eric, Narsha, Gain, Tiffanyy and I down our drinks. Yongsun lifts an accusatory finger at me with agape.

 

"You're lesbian?!"

 

Narsha coughs and looks at me surprised.

 

Right, I've never really fully come out yet. Only Tiffanyy and Sooyoung don't react. The room reverberates with holy s and ing hells. I get engulfed in a bear hug, courtesy of Narsha, as she tells me how proud she is of me.

 

"I swear to god you do not look like a lesbian," says Eric.

 

"There're no particular ways a lesbian should look like. That's incredibly stereotypical of you," I begin to say. "Gender is nt binary, it exists in a spectrum." My speech is about to get better but Narsha cuts me off.

 

"She's a smart drunk. Hurry and continue the game before she starts ranting about feminism or some ," instructs Narsha.

 

Sooyoung proceeds. "Never have I ever cheated on my partner," she says flawlessly while looking intently at her own drink. Everyone goes quiet. When she sees Tiffany hesitantly reaching for her glass and drinking her shot, she lets out something between a scoff and a laugh.

 

Oooohs echoes through the room as we all wait for her to talk.

 

"It was stupid," she says. "I was stupid." She swallows visibly and picks at the carpet. "I still am stupid."

 

Before Narsha could interrogate her further, Eric downs his shot. Yongsun, clearly surprised, slaps his arm. Hard.

 

"What the ?"

 

"It was before we were together, okay? Long ago. Like, way before. When I was back in America."

 

Their little banter somehow got more heated up, I fear it might escalate into a real fight. My worrying is deemed unnecessary as they start pushing tongues into each other's throats. Taecyeon and Kyungsoo had to bring them both to their room before they start stripping.

 

The game goes on for a few more rounds until Gain passes out. Taecyeon puts her on the couch then retires to his room to videochat his girlfriend. Kyungsoo soon follows seeing his flirting with Sooyoung is apparently fruitless. Not his fault, though. All wrong timing.

 

Only three of us are left in the den, four conscious and still going. Although, Sooyoung looks like she might pass out soon too.

 

"So," Narsha says. "You guys mind telling me why I can practically slice the tension in the air with a plastic children's knife?"

 

"Damn 's fault,"Sooyoung slurs.

 

I gave her a tensed deadly look, indicating her to stop. Fighting is the last thing I want in any situation.

 

"Don't you go defending her. She well damned cheated on you, that dumb ," she says sloppily in an attempted angry tone.

 

"Sooyoung, shut up and lie down."

 

With a huff, she curls herself against the floor and lies her head on my lap then promptly goes to sleep. I look at Tiffanyy in apology and Narsha puts down her drink.

 

"You guys were in a relationship and you," she points at Tiffany, "cheated on my baby?"

 

Tiffany and I look at each other before nodding at Narsha.

 

"The . When did this happen?"

 

"After you graduated. We lived together for a bit," I tell her.

 

"And neither of you bothered to tell me this, why?"

 

"How am I supposed to walk around telling people I'm a cheater?" says Tiffany. She laughs mirthlessly, lightly shaking her bowed head.

 

"Fair point. Jessica?"

 

I shrug my shoulders and take a sip of my drinks. "Never a good timing," I say. Narsha fortunately knows when I don't want to talk so she changes target and looks at Tiffanyy in an intensely intimidating way to force information out.

 

"She walked in on me having with a guy," she confesses. Her voice strains and I can see her repeatedly wiping her palm on her calf discretely. "I was an idiot."

 

My eyes continue to lock in at the drop of alcohol on the floor. When I stop hearing her voice, I know she's about to cry. Nobody says anything, not even Narsha who seems to always have something to say.

 

"Eight months into the relationship and I ruined it."

 

Although I can't see it, I can feel her looking at me. She takes a shaky exhale as she tries to calm herself down. I still refuse to look at her. Her voice cracks when she speaks.

 

"Y-you didn't deserve that. I know I can't be forgiven but I'm sorry anyway. I'm sorry and that's never enough."

 

I don't look at her, can't see her, but I know she has shifted her position. I know she's curled herself up because that's how she is when she cries. She dissolves into this helpless little ball, sobbing quietly. When she's like this, she doesn't seem like she's any older than me.

 

"You never deserved that," she says again, shakily.

 

Narsha doesn't leave but she doesn't speak either. She knows this is something too personal for her to intrude. I counted to ten in my head, making sure no tears are about to be shed. Because I'm a big cry baby but I can't let Tiffanyy see that vulnerable side of me anymore.

 

"I never hated you, you know."

 

My gaze shifts from the floor to her. She still has her head on her folded arms, body curled and breathing little hiccups. She nods when she hears me. So I continue.

 

"Disappointed, yes. But never hate."

 

She wipes her face using the palm of her hands before looking at me.

 

"I'm sorry, she says."

 

"Me too," I say back.

 

I can feel my throat constrict and my eyes start to sting. My breathing begins to hitch. I'm about to start crying. And I've never been more thankful to Narsha for deciding to start talking than now.

 

"Well now that all that's out, let's take a shot." She raises her shot glass to initiate a toast. Tiffany and I follow. "To stupid mistakes and hopefully a reconciliation!"

 

Three more shots and my body is begging for a bed. I excused myself to turn in early, leaving Sooyoung on the floor with a pillow because no way in frozen hell will I be able to carry that giant to her bed. I bid goodnight to Tiffany and Narsha, feeling a little light hearted and a lot light headed. Things aren't so bad after all.

 

 

---------

 

Only two of them are left. The rain is still pouring heavily outside. Narsha and Tiffany scoot closer to the fireplace with the leftover drinks for warmth, even with the alcohol coursing through their systems.

 

"She wrote me a letter,"Tiffanyy confesses.

 

"Who did?" asks Narsha.

 

"Jessica."

 

Narsha nods her head. Jessica has always been a sweetheart. She can run off and insult anyone without them knowing using fancy words and a winning smile but overall, she's a giant ball of cushion who wields understanding as a sword.

 

"Why did you do it?" asks Narsha after a few rounds of silence.

 

"It's stupid."

 

"I know," she snorts. "Tell me anyway."

 

Tiffany swallows two shots and a sip of soda before she feels brave enough to tell. Narsha waits impatiently.

 

"I felt insecure. I thought she andSooyoung had a thing and was only with me because her best friend is too ing unbendably straight. She's always so sweet to Sooyoung, always hanging out and putting heart emojis on texts. One stupid thought lead to another and I ended up waist down with a man on the bed I shared with her."

 

"Wow. You're a jerk," Narsha says while pouring them both a shot. She raises her glass a bit and tips it a little, clunking with Tiffany.

 

"I know," Tiffany says. "I was wrong, both times."

 

"Then she saw you straddling the man?"

 

"Yes. She walked away and didn't come home that night. The look on her face will forever haunt me. It has since that day. The next morning, I woke up to find none of her stuff left in the apartment. She never came back."

 

"The girl knows how to leave," comments Narsha. Tiffany nods, a sad smile playing on her face.

 

"A letter was placed on the coffee table. Just a piece of paper unevenly folded into three horizontal partitions. She never could get that right."

 

Narsha watches Tiffany let out another shaky breath and waits for her to compose herself before speaking. She wants to know what that letter said but she also doesn't want to rush the girl. The clock's big hand moves four times and Tiffany is finally ready.

 

"She said... She wrote that she doesn't blame me for what happened. That she doesn't regret being with me and she hopes I don't either. That she wants me to be happy."

 

Tears start to fall and Narsha pours her more drinks.

 

"It's not fair how sweet she is until the end," Tiffany continues. "I had no idea until then how much kind words could hurt."

 

The distinct sound of the lightly clinking shot glasses could be heard over the rain steadily pouring outside.

---

I'm supposed to be writing a story for Mental Health month, reading three case studies, orginizing my thesis literature, and studying theories for sociology. Writing this sounded like a better choice in my brain. Now I want to cry because it's 2AM, I have classes in the morning and finished none of my tasks. This .