You're there when I wake up. At first, I don't notice you; all I notice is how weak I feel and how white the hospital ceiling is. I hear voices, but it's more important at the moment for me to remember what happened and how I got here, so I don't concentrate on them. I was in the hotel room… and that Ayumi-shi was there… and she said things—harsh, angry, mean, true things—and I got mad. Then it felt like my chest was going to explode, it hurt so bad. I locked myself in the bathroom… and something happened but it's all a blank after that point.

I still sort of hurt all over. It hurts a bit to breathe, in particular. I feel so tired. I never want to move again.

I sigh.

The voices cut off, and a pink head bounces into my sight. "Yeonhee!" It's a half-shriek in the familiar voice.

Jaejoong.

"Yeonhee!" you cry out again, even more shrill. I can't help but wince; you're nearly jumping up and down in excitement, but my head hurts and your voice grates on my ears.

And then, to my astonishment, you calm down so quickly it's as though a bucket of ice water is thrown on you. Your voice gets quiet and gentle, which is a lot softer on my aching head. You must have seen me wince; your consideration after the monster I've been to you for years astounds me. I remember what Ayumishi said to me. How could I forget it? And I'm honest enough, with myself and with you, to realize that she's right in so many ways.

"Yeonhee, how're you feeling? Are you alright?" You reach out and start touching me, soft fingers my hair out of my eyes.

I want to speak. Your concern deserves some response. But all the words Ayumishi said come back to me and hit me like a bludgeon, rendering me speechless. She was so right. You would never betray me. You would never sleep with someone else, I know that now. I can see it in your eyes, in the worry and guilt in your expression. You would never try to hurt me, but I acted like a selfish and pathetic monster. Ayumi's right: someone like me would only ruin someone like you, twist you and make you jaded.

I don't deserve to be with you.

Your eyes are so somber now. "You don't want to talk to me. I understand. After what I did to you…. I'm sorry, Yeonhee. I'm so sorry." You start to draw back, your eyes filling with tears and downcast.

And, dammit all, this would be the best thing for you. You should be separated from me. I should let you go now without a word to stop you or bring you back. There's such a big world out there, Jaejoong, and so many people it'd be better for you to be with. There are so many things for you to discover, and I know that I'm so twisted and messed-up that you'd never discover those things with me. I'll never be able to give you the kind of unconditional love you deserve; I've been through too much and I don't even know if I believe in such a thing. You should leave me! You should have never been with me in the first place. It'd be so easy to let you go now and end this terrible relationship.

But…

You think this is all your fault, and it isn't. You blame yourself, but you didn't cause this situation. It's my fault. My insecurity led me to distrust you, even though you've never done a thing to make me suspicious. My twisted and heartless soul made me expect you to be just as warped as I am, even though you're the purest person I know. Someone like you could never do what I accused you of doing. I could be silent and let you go—I should—but you'd live the rest of your life certain that you did something wrong, when this was all my fault. And I can't let that happen.

The words blurt out almost before I realize I'm going to speak: "No. No, Jaejoong, no." My voice is hoarse and weak; my throat hurts.

But you hear me and turn back around.

There's so much hope in your face. And so much fear, too. Are you afraid of me? Or can it be possible that you fear leaving me?

I don't understand, Jaejoong. How can someone like you even want to be with me? How could you stay so long by my side, through all the I put you through?

I don't understand.

But my hand reaches for you all on its own. I'm surprised to see it's shaking a bit. I'm so weak right now. I'm so weak without you.

Your hand is so warm when you carefully enfold mine in a strong grasp. You're stronger than I am right now, and it's not just the weakness of being sick that's done me in. You squeeze my hand, and look at me with eyes that seem to see right through the shell I've hidden inside.

"Yeonhee, what I did—"

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I don't apologize often, and it's hard to get the words to come out. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I just…" I was scared that I'd lost you forever, so terrified that you'd betrayed me and you hated me and our love had been a lie. You've been a pillar of strength holding me up as I struggle to find footing in this treacherous world… and I thought I'd lost you. "I…" I couldn't have gone on without you. Those weeks in that hotel room were weeks of blank existence, not life, and I wanted it permanently ended. I didn't want to think about anything anymore, the pain of your betrayal rolled into a huge spear skewering me through the heart. Killing me moment by moment.

It hurt too much, and I don't know how long I could have gone on without you. And if I'd only trusted you and believed in you, then neither of us would have had to suffer so much. You wouldn't have had to suffer. "It's my fault... I'm sorry." There's so much more I want to tell you, so much more I want to say. I have so much to apologize for.

But you calmly press my hand when I open up my mouth to go on, and with the sweetest smile I've ever seen, you just say, "I understand." And you reach out one hand and my hair back, and lean forward to lay a gentle kiss on my forehead in a tender gesture that I've never seen from you before. Your eyes are unguarded, but I don't see pain or fear in them anymore. They're glowing with a warmth that's so beautiful I just want to drown in it.

And you murmur, "It's okay. It's alright now."

And just like that, things are back to normal. Just like that, the misunderstanding between us is gone, our mutual "crimes" against each other absolved and forgotten. Forgiven and healed through your strength alone, because I don't know if I have the ability to forgive anymore. I know how much I owe you, I understand now how much I depend on you, and I can't forget the pain I've caused us both, nor the fear I felt over the possibility of losing you. Maybe I can even understand Ri In's interference, now, because I've never until this moment realized just how much I need you. Without you, I was nothing, Jaejoong. Without me, you are so strong and brilliant, and I only pull you down… but I need you, and I promise that someday, I'll deserve you.

You throw your arms around my neck in another one of your strangling hugs, and for once I don't feel like pushing you back or making a cynical comment to dull your enthusiasm and get free. I hold you to me, my eyes shut as I savor the acceptance you show me, acceptance of all the flaws I have that make life with me so hard. The forgiveness of all of my insecurities that almost destroyed our relationship. I hold you, and the hate I feel doesn't exist anymore.

And finally, I understand. I thought I hated you all along, but I don't, Jaejoong.

Jaejoong…

"I love you."

End

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A/N: Thank you for reading ;)