I know I never seemed to care about you. I still don't know why you latched onto me the way you did. You took a chance meeting and blew everything out of proportion. You forced your way into my life, into my apartment. You said you loved me.

I never loved you back. I know you wanted me to, but I can't. I wanted to avoid another betrayal. I tried to push you away, but you just kept coming back, like a yo-yo. The more I insulted you and acted cold to you, the more you'd cry and carry on but you never left me. I tried to make you leave me; I tried so much, but you always came back.

I don't understand why. Are you just naturally that dim-witted, that you couldn't understand I've been trying all along to get rid of you? Why would someone who's so vivacious and alive waste such caring on someone like me, someone who's been ruined already?

You infected me. It's your fault. You always loved me, no matter what I did to you… and I fell into the idiocy of believing you always would. I got careless, and weak, letting my guard down. Relaxing my defenses a tiny bit. I thought I could trust you. I thought you, at least, would be the rare person who never betrayed me. After all the you put up with to stay with me, I just believed you'd always be there.

Those shallow and saccharine romance novels must be starting to infect me too.

Jaejoong, what did you do to me?

I don't trust anyone, I don't let anyone close, but you broke through somehow. You made my apartment so loud; you brightened the room every time you came in. I would yell and roll my eyes and glare at you when you shouted my name like that… but my apartment is so empty and silent when you're not there.

You tore down my defenses. I hate you so much for it, because I'm here now with another betrayal hanging overhead… and I know this one will crush me into nothing.
I trusted you. I believed you when you said you loved me. I let you in where no one has ever gotten in before. You said you'd never leave me.

How could you do this, Jaejoong?

You said you loved me.

Out of all the emotions, love is the one that should never have been named. The word is so simple, so easy to say… and so rarely ever meant. Love should never have been given a word to express it, because true love isn't in the word, it's in the actions. "Love" should never be spoken. It should only be done. Words mean nothing. Speech is the ultimate deception. I know, because you said you loved me, you said you cared for me… and your actions prove you wrong.
You don't. You're just like everyone else. You pushed your way into my life because you wanted something. I knew you wanted something. I knew, and I asked you, and you lied. And, goddammit, I believed you. I never thought you could be such a good actor.

What did you do to me!

How could you get me to open up, after so many years of living in defensive solitude, and then turn on me like this! How could I have let it happen, let my heart open up! I actually felt something for you, you traitor. Whenever I looked at you, I felt warmer. I felt safe. You held me and protected me from all my old nightmares, you took my abuse and gave only caring back in return. I thought I could depend on you.

I hate you.

Because I was starting to care for you in return.

I was starting to love you.

I hate you.

Because you let me think you loved me, and all along you were with that bi*ch. You were doing her in our apartment. I even rushed home to see you again; I wanted to surprise you.

But you turned the tables.

I never asked for an explanation. I don't want excuses. There's not much you could say to excuse what you were doing with Ayumi, on our bed. In our home. I don't want to hear it, anyway.

So I just left.

You were screaming after me, running down the hallway in that dopey bathrobe of yours. You said you wanted to talk.
I don't want "talk." Talk is cheap. Words are worthless. Meaningless. You would just feed me lies, and I don't want you to lie to me anymore.

I don't want to hear "talk" ever again. I never want to "talk" ever again. I just want to go, and hide, and never remember.

Never remember the way you changed me, my life.

Never remember your smiles, your bawling, your "love."
It hurts more than I ever thought possible. Jaejoong, I trusted you and loved you.

Yes, I loved you.

You betrayed me, and it hurts more than I can bear.
What have you done to me, Jaejoong?

I don't return home—no. It can't be called "home" anymore.

Go ahead.

Keep the apartment.

I don't care, Jaejoong.

I just want to forget you.