Strange things keep happening, as they tend to do a lot nowadays.

 

For one, Seungwan is being teased by the maknaes much more than usual. It’s always about her nonexistent love life too, which they know is practically a taboo for any idol under the age of twenty–five, yet they keep prodding about her likes and dislikes in a person as if they’re trying to scout someone for her.

 

Adding to the weirdness of that is the fact that the teasing always seems to stop as soon as Seulgi appears, and as oblivious and off in her own world as she tends to be, their so-called ‘dumb bear’ is not, in fact, dumb. She notices every time, in the curious raise of her eyebrows and the slightest narrowing of her gaze. She just doesn't pry.

 

Perhaps it's because she doesn’t care, in which case Seungwan would be inclined to follow her lead and ignore the incessant baiting from the younger ones. She also knows that it’s just as likely that their main dancer simply doesn't want to show that she cares, which leaves them both blundering around in the dark at Sooyoung and Yerim's leisure. Seungwan used to able to tell the difference, but now she's not sure of anything, anymore — least of all the cloud of mystery called her best friend. Between their scattered schedules and repetitive setlists for events, they should be making the most of their time to try and talk out whatever’s going on, when practice won't wear them out as much and people are less likely to interrupt.

 

Talking itself is a non–issue, since she and Seulgi still interact just as much as before things became blurry between them. It's more a matter of Seulgi herself, and her utter refusal to properly open up about whatever's been making her bounce between treating Seungwan like she has the plague, or looking as if she could hug her all day.

 

Frankly, it's getting tiring.

 

They used to be easy. Everything used to be so much easier up until some point in time, and Seungwan's not sure if that was simply months ago or if everything started going downhill the night of their coming–of–age.

 

It's all about as infuriatingly messy as the situation with their group activities. Cancellations and postponed comebacks are disheartening enough without the cloud of tension underlying her conversations with Seulgi, and everyone’s mood takes a hit at being shelved. Even the satan duo fall into a slump of less pranks and less laughter. Hyemin stays with them during that time as well, and it helps to have her there not just to keep the kids in line, but to remind Seungwan to keep herself in check, too. It's not like she can afford to keep being an idol and a lovelorn mess all the time, after all.

 

Irony of her own character leads her to try even harder to be a Wendy who treats her beloved, bear–like friend, as if they don't keep secrets from each other behind pretty smiles. It's something Wendy would do to be normal with Seulgi, but it's not something best friends do. It's certainly not something Seungwan thinks she should do, but it's all she knows.

 

They work their way around it as best as they can though, because Seulgi is a trained actress and Seungwan is a habitual liar who’s gotten better at pretending things are okay when they're clearly not. Though, it’s still something she shouldn't really be proud of when Joohyun throws her the occasional look of worry under disapproving frowns.

 

Apart from all of that, she's coping. Everyone else is doing well enough, physically and mentally, and there's little else to worry about when they have a group OST under their belt and festivals to prepare for, as well as tickets for attending their senior concert.

 

For the rest of the month into June they make the most of the free time leftover to relax before any news of their promo start date, so Seungwan tries not to be too surprised when it warrants requests of outings from none other than Seulgi herself. When she mulls over it the day before their first not–date (because it isn’t a date, it really isn’t at all) she knows it makes sense; that when Seulgi approached her after their interview with Byulyi and Yongsun, it was an olive branch she would be mad not to take.

 

It doesn’t make it any less daunting to meet her halfway, walking together to the usual hangouts of spontaneous coffee shop lunches wherever they could sneak around, plus irregular spa trips that Seungwan doesn't let herself think too deeply about; especially when they buy couple's packages with the half price vouchers Seulgi's parents gifted her. Within just that week it almost feels normal, and they even go out together on the streets of LA during KCON, wearing matching outfits by Seungwan's oh–so bold suggestion of trying on their new clothes.

 

She knows it's all Seulgi's way of making it up to her — this abrupt distance and dissonance — because this is how they've always hung out before things became tense. She was always the one to regularly drag the homebody singer out of the dorm, and the latter almost resents the fact that it's the only thing that hasn't changed between them.

 

Yerim had begun tagging along on some of their trips eventually too, which was both a blessing and a curse when Seungwan wouldn’t have to suffer through awkward silences alone, until her paranoia would act up and convince her the bemused glances and harmless 'married couple' jokes were more than what they seemed. It shouldn't have frightened her as much as it did, when Yerim watches shows with LGBT+ characters and prods fun at her for the smallest of things either way. She also seemed more content to talk about what Saeron would think of each place, while Seulgi consistently about her 'girlfriend' and the rest of her celebrity harem.

 

It was just weird; the way Yerim would eye them sometimes as if she knew something they didn’t. It’s not like Seungwan can ask her upfront when she can’t even begin to think about what that something could be, and that automatically makes everything worse for her when she starts noticing the same kinds of changes occurring in the rest of her members.

 

Especially during movie nights.

 

Something always seems to happen during their movie nights. Seungwan supposes that it's because that's when they're all at their tamest together — even with Yerim's constant running commentary — and it's the one thing that they can all agree on as a group leisure activity.

 

(She and Seulgi had always been fine with anything on the agenda, but when it came down to it Joohyun's team laundry scheme clashed with the maknaes' idea of fun; while the latter pair's favourite pastime happened to go against their leader's anti–chicken policy.)

 

Regardless, the tranquil pleasure of it all deteriorates as soon as she lets her thoughts run amok under Seulgi's stolen glances. A lot of the times it's near–unnoticeable, but sometimes Seungwan wishes she were blind enough not to see things that send her brain into overdrive.

 

Tonight is one of those times.

 

"I don't get it."

 

Yerim frowns at the television, flicking a honey butter chip idly into as the main protagonist watches the girl of his dreams walk away.

 

“Don't get what?” Sooyoung intones through a mouthful of popcorn, eyes fixed on the screen.

 

"Why would he keep quiet if he loves her?” the maknae points out while looking at Seungwan, who can only let her jaw go slack in response. Sooyoung promptly shifts to adjust the snacks in her lap, knocking her elbow into the younger girl’s ribs in the process. “Hey! Watch those ape arms of yours, geez!"

 

"They're…best friends,” Seungwan tries explaining in an attempt to break up the impending squabble, absently wishing Joohyun was here to keep them in check, instead of being at work. "He probably doesn't want to risk changing a relationship so precious to him, even with the possibility of it becoming something greater."

 

"So he's a coward,” Seulgi concludes unexpectedly, plucking a kernel from Sooyoung’s bowl. Seungwan raises an eyebrow and watches as the taller one lets her — even moves it within a comfortable reaching distance between them.

 

Park Sooyoung never, ever shares her popcorn.

 

“Well,” the singer finds herself pausing, eyeing the bowl in question. The green one with yellow accents. “Maybe he is."

 

The tallest of them gets up then, grabbing her empty cup as she heads over to the kitchen. Seungwan finds herself eyeing the way she pats Seulgi’s shoulder with a subtle hand.

 

“Y'reckon the coward ever considered the possibility of that 'something greater’?” Sooyoung speaks up while refilling her water, as the screen plays a montage of the main character’s unsuccessful journey of trying to move on.

 

"Of course,” Seulgi says, oddly agitated as she sits up straighter. "But if something happens later — like a break up of some kind, maybe — I suppose he'd be afraid of facing that, too. He'd be losing both his lover and his best friend."

 

“But do you think it would be worth it if he tried, in the end?” Seungwan asks before she can think about what she’s saying, and Seulgi turns to her with a note of alarm in her gaze.

 

There’s the slightest of pauses; a hesitant press of drying lips before the main dancer replies. “It depends if you would rather keep your best friend or…try for something more, I guess."

 

“What would you do?” almost leaves her tongue as she tries to read the emotions colouring her groupmate's stare. In the end, the only one she can decipher among them is guarded confusion, and it stops her before she can overstep any boundaries that Seulgi seems to be setting.

 

There seem to be a lot more of them, nowadays.

 

“Yes, I suppose so,” Seungwan agrees in the end, mindful of the way Seulgi continues to watch her for a second longer before pulling her eyes back to the television screen. All of a sudden there’s a tense silence, and it feels like a few lifetimes rather than mere seconds that float over them like dead water.

 

“Ugh, you guys are way too serious with your fan theories,” Sooyoung eventually drawls as she stretches her legs out and sneaks a prod of her toes at Yerim. "Make sure to put in 'Mean Girls’ next to lighten the mood, turtle."

 

“There's a cool video edit of us as mean girls, actually,” the youngest snickers to herself, pinching Sooyoung’s calf as she bounces in her seat slightly. “I wonder how many times you can watch the film without getting sick of it."

 

“The limit does not exist,” Seulgi chimes in, shares a smile with the two maknaes, and takes a sip of Sooyoung’s drink.

 

Seungwan watches the protagonist bite his tongue through the pain of risks not taken, and feels a new wave of sympathy for him.

 

 

---

 

 

"An OST?"

 

Two days later and she's trying not to sound so surprised, but receiving a duet to record with Seulgi throws her off more than she cares to admit.

 

Seungwan looks at her manager before stealing a surreptitious glance at her partner, then finally turns her attention back to the papers in her hand. The lyrics of 'Don't Push Me' stare tauntingly back at her, with its title in bold and 'Red Velvet's Wendy and Seulgi' jotted beside it.

 

"We're headed to the studio the day after tomorrow for you two to get started," Hyemin confirms, and after a moment of quiet, Seulgi nods.

 

"Thanks, unnie. I'll look over it." She flashes the woman a smile, and makes her way to her room with a copy in hand. Seungwan remains there with her eyes glued unseeingly to her own paper as the 'Don’t push me’s and 'Don’t go’s swim in her vision, ringing in her ears as Seulgi’s murmurs of “Please don’t go,” and “Please don’t leave me,” from a night she should have forgotten; if only she drank more soju.

 

If only she had pushed her away while she could.

 

"Is there a problem?" Hyemin pulls her from her thoughts, concern stirring her features and quickly garnering a shake of the head from the main vocalist.

 

"Ah, um. Not at all, unnie. Thank you." Seungwan bows and heads over to the kitchen to preoccupy herself with unwashed laundry, and thankfully Hyemin drops the subject without prying.

 

The day after tomorrow arrives all too soon for her, and it's as nerve–racking as going alone when she sits in the car beside Seulgi straight after dinner, overthinking each line of the lyrics she’ll have to sing as she keeps casual conversation with the girl. Going through the motions comes naturally even with her duet partner’s distractingly tight jeans and adorably sleepy smile, and she allows herself a mental pat on the back when they finally arrive at the recording studio before she can slip up and make a fool of herself.

 

Hyemin leads them inside to greet the staff of the studio first, and Seungwan allows herself to relax a little after a quick briefing with the audio engineers as they listen to the guide recording. It feels even more real to hear the lyrics that she'll be singing, and her thumb unconsciously catches at her teeth by the halfway point — something she only realises when she glimpses her groupmate reaching up at the edge of her vision.

 

And when their hands don't touch and Seulgi's arm drops back to her side, Seungwan tries not to be too surprised. In fact, she's pretty sure she's accomplished both that and the art of seeming okay with it, by now. At least until Seulgi leans forward a second later, gentle eyes and hesitant smile closing the gap between them instead, and it’s not like how they used to look at each other, but at least she’s still trying. It’s still something. Seungwan still grins helplessly back at her for it, giving her a thumbs up that Seulgi returns in kind as she stands straight once more, turning her attention back to the staff while the song draws to a finish.

 

Everything goes smoothly when Seungwan convinces herself that one simple moment like that means that they’re on their way to being normal friends, and following their briefing and a few warm-ups, she’s ready to record it all in one fell swoop and get home as soon as possible. Then the staff announce their decision on testing the solo recordings before bringing them both in, and it's a decision she wholly supports when she opts for the first turn in the booth.

 

But barely two verses in, she's close to melting on the spot. It was all good and well up until the moment she felt fellow vocalist’s eyes weighing heavily on her form, as if they're back inside the walls of their dorm with only Seulgi’s stubborn silence and Seungwan's desperate glances to fill the space between. It's in the way the former watches her sing every word with an expression she's seen before, too many times to count.

 

And if she didn't know any better, she would let herself think Seulgi sees as much meaning in the lyrics as she does. She knows it's ridiculous to even begin going along that particular train of thought though, especially when Seulgi doesn’t even remember kissing her. It's just a song.

 

It's just. A song.

 

"From the top again, please," the man behind the mixing board flashes her a small smile as she finishes, and she nods before preparing herself for another round of trying to ignore Seulgi’s exceedingly intense stare. And really, for someone so gentle by nature, she's got a pair of the sharpest eyes Seungwan's ever fallen victim to.

 

They're enough to make her palms sweat, and she grips at the hem of her shirt for the entirety of the recording and all throughout the time it takes to swap sides with Seulgi without meeting her gaze. She watches her start without an issue — acting jolly and relaxed as if she hadn't been burning holes through the glass the entire time — and a well of frustration niggles at the part of Seungwan that insists on hounding the other girl until she lays the truth out for her. That Seungwan has done something wrong or Seulgi has second thoughts about their friendship, or anything of the sort.

 

By the time they pile back into the car (after a lot of awkwardly averted eyes during their proper duet recording), she's decided that any answer at all would satisfy her. Even an answer she won't like. Because even knowing Seulgi secretly hates her guts would be better than not knowing at all — at least she would know what to do then, instead of being lost.

 

She's tired and dazed enough to bump her head getting out of the car when they arrive home, and Seulgi has one hand laid protectively on her crown before she can even cry out. She's frowning minutely in that endearing way of hers as she inspects her with worried murmurs of "Does your head hurt? You've been looking tired all day, are you sick?" and all Seungwan can do is laugh. She's not sure whether it's at the irony of Seulgi asking about things she wouldn't want to talk about, or Seungwan's own delirious stupidity concerning her (because how could she ever think Seulgi had the capacity to hide hatred or spite like others do?).

 

She just knows that it sounds real enough for their manager not to bat an eyelid, ushering them inside the dorm and bidding them goodnight in the perfect excuse for Seungwan to follow suit and break away from the warm, slender hands that somehow found their way around her shoulders.

 

She smiles her thanks, says her brightest "Sweet dreams," and doesn't dare look back as she retreats to her room. Yerim doesn't stir from her sleep as she pushes their obnoxiously creaky door shut, but Joohyun blinks up at her from folding clothes on top of her covers and Seungwan manages a swift, hushed conversation detailing their recording before she's allowed to go to bed.

 

It's pretty amazing, the amount of times she manages to run her thoughts through endless loops and twists in the space of one fitful night. Seulgi is enough of a human confusion without being in love with her, and it's something Seungwan has to take into account when these past few months have been full of mixed signals and crossed lines that scream You should be more careful! You should have been more careful! every time she looks her way. So, by the next day, she simply concludes that she's screwed just by thinking about her.

 

She's also screwed by thinking about not thinking about her.

 

Unless she could employ some reverse psychology on herself to outsmart her brain and think about not thinking about her in order to think about her but then not actually think —

 

"Pay attention, Seungwan."

 

The iron in her right hand halts, and she jolts her left back with a hiss. Joohyun doesn't even spare her a glance as she sets a neatly folded sweatshirt aside and hurries to the kitchen, returning in seconds with a bag of frozen peas.

 

There's no reprimand on her tongue, but the slight furrow in her leader's brow is a mix of concern and the disappointment you only see in mothers scorning their child.

 

(Seungwan instantly feels so small under her stare.)

 

"Sorry," she mumbles, holding the bag to her finger when prompted.

 

"Like I said,” Joohyun sighs. "Pay attention. Or you'll keep on hurting yourself for no reason."

 

Seungwan can't help but reply with a sigh of her own. "Easier said than done," she mumbles as she picks at the makeshift ice pack, only to pause a second later as she processes her words properly.

 

Joohyun takes that as an opportunity to pick up the iron in her stead, nudging her further along the sofa before casting her a questionably knowing look. “I know I think too much by myself, but you're thinking this through way more than you need to," she says simply, and Seungwan blinks at her, perplexed.

 

A meaningful raise of defined eyebrows later, and the realisation begins to dawn on her in the form of anxiety. "We're still talking about ironing, right?" She tries to come off joking, but Joohyun just stares at her for a second more before turning back to her work with a shrug.

 

Seungwan gulps. “Unnie?"

 

Joohyun just shrugs again. “You can talk about ironing. I’m talking about the way you keep looking at me like you’re trying not to look at Seulgi.”

 

There’s a certain inflection in her tone that leaves no more room for argument or protest, and all Seungwan can think of are colourfully worded variations of Oh, crap and , she knows.

 

“Yes, I do,” her leader drawls, the tiniest twitch of a smug smile on her lips as she observes the flabbergasted expression taking over Seungwan’s features. “And yes, you said that out loud. So, how long are you going to keep this up?”

 

“It’s — I’m not —“

 

“Seungwan.” Joohyun levels her with stern eyes as unmercifully reprimanding as her eleventh grade maths teacher, before sighing. “Geez. No wonder you’ve been acting so weird around Seul, lately.”

 

“How…” She bring her thumb to her teeth and pauses; puts it back down. “How do you figure?"

 

“Well, it’s been some time since you last snuck out of your bed." A t–shirt is plucked from the laundry pile, and Joohyun pointedly ignores the way the younger girl's jaw slackens at her words. “Though I've been meaning to ask, does Seulgi still kick in her sleep?”

 

Seungwan almost drops her peas.

 

“P–P–Pardon?”

 

Joohyun doesn't even glance at her as she straightens out wrinkled sleeves. “Seulgi. Does she still kick in her sleep?”

 

The main vocalist sputters for a moment. “I — That — You —?“

 

“I also used to sneak into her bed during our trainee days, whenever there were thunderstorms." She snorts slightly, a fond smile on her lips that Seungwan normally sees she talks about her younger sister, back home in Daegu. “It was one of the only times where I was more childish than her, back then."

 

“Cute," Seungwan mutters with a small smile at the mental image it creates, and a swift pinch instantly meets her side.

 

Joohyun just chuckles at her squeak of surprise, sliding the iron smoothly over pale creases of cotton. “Really though, since you were sleeping there a lot —“

 

“Wha — no! No.“

 

She gets a roll of the eyes, this time.

 

“Yes." Joohyun pokes her with a hanger before the finished shirt is slung onto it. “Come on Seungwan, I’m your leader,” she huffs, as if that explains everything.

 

(It kind of does.)

 

The younger girl can only open and close wordlessly, until she pulls herself together a few beats later with a quiet, “Right…"

 

Joohyun folds the freshly ironed top and places it on a neat pile next to her. "Well? You didn’t answer my question.”

 

Seungwan gulps. There's no way Joohyun would be asking and borderline teasing her about it if she wasn't at least a little bit okay with the idea. And if she already knows, then…

 

“She doesn’t." It feels like a peculiar load off of her chest as she watches her unnie reaching for a pair of jeans to get to work on. “She sleeps like a log, actually.”

 

"A snoring log?"

 

"Less snoring, sometimes."

 

Joohyun hums. "'Sometimes', as in when you're hugging her like a koala?"

 

The frozen peas slip to the floor with a crunch of ice and plastic. Seungwan barely begins to form a coherent response that's not an embarrassed squeak or quiet screaming, and that’s when Sooyoung bursts through the front door, armed with a bag of snacks in hand and a cry of, "The saviour is here!"

 

“I paid for the food, what does that make me?” comes a whine straight after as Seulgi shoulders her way through the entrance in her wake.

 

All she gets is a laugh. “'Daddy's Wittle Princess', remember?”

 

“I call dibs on being the dragon!” Yerim calls out immediately, waltzing in behind them. “Hyun–unnie is the fairy godmother!"

 

"And let me guess, Seungwan is the noble steed?” Joohyun concludes, flashing her what can only be a smirk.

 

She stands as Seungwan picks up the ice pack, walking over to the trio to take some bags and place them carefully on the table as Sooyoung chortles and says something about Seungwan being 'Princess Charming’; bringing an unwanted blush to said girl's cheeks that the taller girl waggles her eyebrows at.

 

"Hey, did you bring my Downy?" Joohyun sounds more childlike than ever as she bounds up to Yerim, propping her hands on her shoulders as Seungwan rummages through a bag of Pepero.

 

"Of course, what kind of kids do you think we are?"

 

"Eh. 'Delinquents' come to mind."

 

"Hey…"

 

“And you know we’re not feeding an army, right?” the shorter dancer remarks at Seulgi's exaggerated pout, reaching over to take a box of strawberry Pepero and raising an eyebrow at an adamant Sooyoung.

 

“I know," she states, and Seungwan chuckles.

 

“Seems more like we’re feeding two demons and a bear–sloth hybrid."

 

“Hey!” the trio yells back at her, and she just laughs even louder.

 

“Well, it’s not like we can’t just save whatever’s left over for later,” she reasons with a meaningful look at the maknaes, who both give her a thumbs–up before skipping away with at least a dozen boxes in their arms.

 

Three hours later there’s nothing to be saved at all, and while Seungwan knows the demon duo are obedient enough to adhere to their diet plan, she also knows they have ways of storing away snacks in hidden locations like nuts for winter. Seulgi complains about it the most that night, and when Seungwan tries to extend an offering of going to buy more, she's quickly shot down by Sooyoung's uncharacteristic relinquishment of her strawberry Pepero stash.

 

It's an offer Seulgi can't refuse of course, and Seungwan tries not to let it ruin her evening. She really does. She just…falls asleep later than usual, when all she can think about is at what point did Sooyoung become Seulgi's new best friend, and why on earth is it so difficult to drift off without the group’s teddy bear beside her? Playing on her phone until the wee hours of the morning can only help her so much when it comes to tiring herself out, and the only thing to make up for it is the fact that the next day is free for relaxation yet again. Generally that should mean a total lie–in for everyone: especially their resident sleepyhead.

 

But Seulgi, as unpredictable as ever, is nowhere to be found.

 

She’s not in her room when Seungwan wakes up and checks in, and that’s considering she’s the early bird of the group and Seulgi’s the constantly hibernating bear cub. Then there’s a note on the fridge saying she’s gone out to watch a movie, but Seungwan finds her usual hat and sunglasses in the main room, and the only other person who’s awake claims that Seulgi got up before she did.

 

Joohyun is suspiciously blasé about it when Seungwan decides to lightly interrogate her in the kitchen. The only thing her leader does is tell her exactly what time she saw the girl leave before calmly ordering her to settle down and "Relax, Seulgi will be back soon."

 

Needless to say, Seungwan uses that time to just bite her thumb and wait for a reply to her six consecutive texts that border on hysterical when she reads back through them.

 

Where are you?

 

Saw your note. Why didn't you take your hat and glasses?

 

Call me when you get this.

 

Or text if you can't call right now.

 

Seul, it's been almost an hour already.

 

Seriously, where are you?

 

When nothing comes back within the first ten minutes of sending the latest text, Seungwan announces that she's going to go and have a look around the city herself. She's promptly forced onto the sofa by a stern–looking Joohyun, who sighs at the younger one's pout and insists that Seulgi's perfectly fine.

 

"Just eat breakfast and call her later," she insists as Yerim bounces in with Sooyoung before she can get up, plopping down on the seat next to her and rambling about all the free time they've gotten at the cost of delaying the promotions she's been waiting for forever. For some reason Sooyoung has decided to be extra clingy today, and she latches onto Seungwan's arm for a good fifteen minutes to repeatedly ask for pancakes — all while Joohyun grumbles about how the girls are even this energetic in the morning.

 

It's only after they weedle out a breakfast and wolf it down in record time that Seungwan is able to sulk properly, cleaning the mess left behind and sighing as Joohyun's hands land on her shoulders and squeeze comfortingly.

 

"She'll be back soon," the older one says with a small smile, a spark of knowing in her eyes that's wholly embarrassing yet comforting to see, given their enlightening conversation the other day.

 

"Right," Seungwan murmurs back, the frown easing up on her lips as she turns to her companion, watching for a long moment as her leader shuffles about to tidy the mess left behind by the two youngest of their group. There's a small dip in her brow as she mutters under her breath about their utter lack of cleanliness, and it's as she makes to gather the dirty dishes that Seungwan speaks up with a tentative, "Unnie."

 

Joohyun gives her a hum of acknowledgement, but it's only once she notices the consequent silence that she looks up. She seems to spot the solemnity in Seungwan's stare immediately, and lowers the cup in her hand with a quiet, "Yes?"

 

Seungwan takes a deep breath, and decides not to beat around the bush. "Do you know what's going on with Seulgi?"

 

The cup falters before being set down, and it’s more of an answer than the faint, "Seulgi…?” that she gets in reply.

 

"The way she's acting. Especially around me." A loose thread from her jumper finds its way between her fingers, rolled and pulled at nervously as worries her lip. "I don't know, it's just felt strange since the end of our last promotion, and after I got back from Dubai we've gotten even weirder.” Her mind shoves images of increasing familiarity to the forefront of her mind. Away from prying eyes of the public — the staff they work with, even — are where the fleeting glances are abundant, accompanied by barely–there touches and wayward steps taken just to avoid crossing paths. "…Especially Seulgi." Mostly Seulgi.

 

"You mean —" Something seems to stop the older girl at that moment, her lips pressing together with a flicker of indecision in her eyes before she exhales. "What do you think it is, if Seulgi's really being as weird as you think she is?"

 

Seungwan frowns slowly. "I think you know what it is, but you don't want to tell me."

 

There's hurt in her eyes that lines her words, and she knows Joohyun can see it clear as day when the elder one reaches out for her again. "It's not in my place." Her hand is warm — not warm enough to stave away the cold in Seungwan's fingers; only to provide the comfort that exudes from her very presence. “But,” she squints slightly, visibly rolling words in , "shouldn’t you know?"

 

“…What do you mean?"

 

“I meant what I said.” The older one shifts uncomfortably, fingers pressed to the table "It's just not in my place to tell."

 

"Then who am I supposed to ask?" she sighs, realising the answer just before Joohyun responds to her.

 

"The one you’re worried about," she states, setting the dishcloth down at last. "You're best friends. You can work it out, whatever happens."

 

Seungwan frowns a little at her purposefully vague wording, considering she's the only one who seems to know exactly what's wrong with Seulgi. "Well yes, but…"

 

Joohyun rests her chin on her hand. "Does she talk to you much?"

 

The singer nods, halts, then shakes her head. “We used to be able to talk about everything."

 

"You have to make her talk. She's like a little kid,” she rolls her eyes slightly. “Too stubborn to talk about things that she doesn't want to talk about."

 

Seungwan can't help but smile at the exasperation lining her voice. "You know her well."

 

“She’s become a sister to me, over the years.” Joohyun looks pointedly at her then. "You all have, truthfully. Which is why I worry about you so much. You especially."

 

Seungwan bows her head slightly. "Sorry."

 

"Problem child," she accuses with a smile. "Don't be. I just want you to take better care of yourself."

 

"My diet isn't all that bad, and I'm getting more sleep nowadays," she parries, and Joohyun shakes her head.

 

"So you've told us," she says. “But you know that's not what I mean, right now."

 

The stubborn spark in her leader's eyes tells her she's fighting a losing battle with a de facto matriarch who knows exactly what she's talking about, and Seungwan tries not to seem like a petulant child when she gives up with slumped shoulders and a quiet, “Fine.”

 

Joohyun raises an expectant eyebrow. “Fine…?”

 

Seungwan sighs. “Fine, I’ll try to take better care of myself.”

 

The older girl does a complete about–face then and grins, reaching out to pull her up from her seat and patting her rear with gusto. “Good, you can start by eating breakfast with me. Come on."

 

Despite Seungwan's protests, she ends up having two kimchi pancakes practically shoved down by an insistent Joohyun, who claims to have been spurred on by the audible grumble of her stomach. There's the unmistakable cackle of the maknaes doing God–knows–what in her room, and then there are the faint notes of some acoustic melody coming from Sooyoung and Seulgi's room, so she decides to head in with the intentions of turning off the music and reprimanding their tallest for leaving her audio on again.

 

Only, the sight a bundle of part–girl, part–bear in Seulgi’s bed greets her when she steps into the room, and she stops at the sight before wandering over.

 

“Seul?" she whispers, reaching out to pat the humanoid lump before pausing. "When did you get back?"

 

"Couple 'f minutes ago," the Seulgi–shaped figure mumbles after a moment, her voice muffled slightly in her pillow. “Saw you were busy cooking with unnie, so.”

 

"Are you okay?” she pries. "Did something happen?"

 

Seulgi peeks over the top of her comforter for a moment with squinted eyes, and Seungwan is suddenly reminded of a sleepy tiger instead of a bear. "What do you mean?"

 

"Did anyone recognise you, or something? You didn't reply to my texts."

 

The frown grows deeper, and she just about stops her hand from smoothing it out. "What texts?” her friend says with that illegally cute scrunch of her nose, and okay; this is getting difficult.

 

"These ones,” Seungwan manages to point out anyway, holding up her phone and the largely one–sided conversation on screen.

 

“Oh!” Seulgi sits up slightly, eyes wide with apology. "I forgot to turn on my phone after the movie, sorry."

 

"It's okay,” she mumbles. "So long as you're safe and sound."

 

A smile. "They should call you the bear of the group instead. You’re like a mama bear."

 

"I think I'll stick with being called a hamster, thanks,” she grumbles back, moving to sit near the foot of the bed. A stiff bump beneath her leg makes her stand once more though, flipping the corner of the duvet back to reveal a small, navy blue book. "Huh. What’s this?"

 

Seulgi reaches out to pull it onto her lap. "Nothing important."

 

"Sure," Seungwan says slowly, reclaiming her seat. "Your diary?"

 

"Not really," her friend grins back. It cracks nervously at the edges. "My thought–book."

 

"That's a diary."

 

"A diary is a daily record of one’s events and experiences," Seulgi cites, before holding up her 'thought–book'. "This is just a sketchbook that I write things in. Thoughts, feelings, drawings. That kind of stuff."

 

Seungwan eyes it carefully. "Can I see some?"

 

The vulnerable flicker in Seulgi's eyes is to be expected when they're still openly laying out lies of omission beneath their usual camaraderie. It pushes Seungwan off kilter nonetheless, and she can only watch quietly as the dancer flashes her a small smile and clutches the sketchbook tight to her chest. “Maybe. Eventually."

 

The need to poke further pushes her onwards still. "Am I in there?"

 

Seulgi's fingers tap on the sleek blue cover. "In here?"

 

Seungwan nods and dares to lean closer. "As a thought, a feeling. A drawing. Am I?"

 

"Sure you are," comes her answer, following a pregnant pause. "Everyone is. You guys have your own separate pages."

 

"You've been keeping tabs on us?"

 

"I've been using you guys for observational practice,” Seulgi corrects her. "You're all pretty dynamic. Especially you."

 

Seungwan laughs at the familiarity of words said by their leader a mere handful of minutes beforehand. "Does that mean I have more content than the others?"

 

"Possibly."

 

"Now I really want to see."

 

"Seungwan..."

 

"Please?” she reaches out, patting the cover of the book gently. "Pretty please?"

 

"With aegyo, this time."

 

"Evil bear,” she growls playfully, flicking her arm before relenting and leaning back. Her heart doesn't stop stuttering and cursing at her until several seconds later, when she clears . “I saw you wrote one about snow. You said so on your UFO, a while back."

 

“Oh yeah.” She watches her clutch at the edges of the notebook, picking at the corners. “Sort of."

 

They lapse into a stagnant silence when Seungwan only nods, sitting with too–loud breaths until Seulgi visibly relaxes beside her. It’s the closest they’ve been in a long while, and Seungwan savours it for as long as she can as her rationale weakly tells her to move away. Then Seulgi sits up suddenly.

 

"Wan–ah."

 

She raises her eyebrows at her. "Mm?"

 

A worried lip, and a tiny frown. "Can I hug you?" she asks softly, setting her book aside as Seungwan’s world stops; and this is the pull before Seulgi inevitably pushes her away again, she knows. She also knows that she can’t refuse. She never can.

 

(In what universe would she ever be able to say no?)

 

"Of course.” She acquiesces and holds her arms out with a small smile, and then —

 

Then Seulgi leans in close. One hand touches the covers beside her, the other lands on her thigh as if she doesn't know how to initiate it; and Seulgi is all she can see, all she can hear. There’s a hitch to someone’s breathing — Seungwan can’t tell who, anymore — and she can’t look away. Seulgi is just there, like a suspended animation with mere inches between them as she searches for something in her eyes. So she lets her hands reach up and her eyes fall shut, closing the distance in the only way she knows how.

 

“Wan-ah,” sounds faintly by her ear in a whisper, and Seungwan just remains silent as she shakes her head and hugs her tighter, bearing through against the squeeze of her chest; because Seulgi had been looking at her like she could kiss her and remember it this time, and it’s not —

 

She’s not brave enough to take those chances, anymore.

 

Not when Seulgi wraps her arms around her a second later with a familiarity that stings cruelly at the backs of her eyes.

 

“Your nose is cold,” she comments, and Seungwan can’t help but hold her closer.

 

“Then warm me up. I’ll cool you down."

 

The words feel heavy on her tongue — a memory of a promise forgotten, but kept all the same — and she swears she hears something mumbled against her collar, but Seulgi's music is just a notch too loud to be certain and Seungwan doesn't know if she's suffering more from sleep deprivation, or a piteous case of wishful thinking. And like a trick of the eye (or the mind; maybe the heart) it’s over before she can think to ask about it.

 

"You smell nice," Seulgi states matter–of–factly as she pulls away a safe distance, and it sounds nothing like the “I’m sorry,” that she swears she heard, but Seungwan is hit once again by the familiarity of having her sitting beside her like this. She isn't being comforted over a very gay and very justified panic attack this time, but it feels similar all the same when she's being stared at as if she's about to crumble to pieces.

 

"I know," the smaller one says with a slight chuckle. "You told the fans."

 

She watches a bashful smile flit across her face like a falling star. "I told one fan," she insists, looking a little more relaxed around her for the first time in a while.

 

"Creep," Seungwan mutters, chuckling as her companion's expression turns impish. "What did you have to eat this morning?" she asks a few beats later, nudging her lightly. "Did you have anything to eat?"

 

Seulgi makes a vague sound that's neither a 'yes' or a 'no', and Seungwan sighs.

 

“Seulgi.” She pokes her again, before sighing as she musters the sternest voice she can. "Kang Seulgi."

 

"'Unnie', to you," the dancer simpers in return, and Seungwan rolls her eyes. A smile spreads on her lips against her will, and she wonders for the umpteenth time if this is all worth it — holding herself back.

 

It could be easy.

 

It could be like this, but more.

 

"You haven't eaten, have you?” she says a little more quietly, shaking her head and patting her groupmate’s shoulder as she gets up. "Come on, I'll make you something."

 

"No!”

 

As soon as she stands she’s tugged back down by thin fingers wrapping around her wrist — not tight (never tight), but insistent enough to keep her there.

 

"I'm not hungry." Right on cue, there's a loud growling noise that causes Seulgi to flush pink and cover her tummy with her hand, attempting to silence it as she amends, "I'm not that hungry."

 

"Your stomach begs to differ," Seungwan scoffs lightly, and moves to leave once more. But Seulgi still clutches at her stubbornly, and there's something about this that feels familiar.

 

"Don't go,” she says then, and it would probably sound playful to anyone else, but Seungwan isn’t anyone else. Seungwan is someone who's heard it before — from a trainee on her coming–of–age, ready to plead for pacts of uncertainty and kiss her friend to seal them.

 

She tenses and pauses, breathes a sigh of defeat, and pokes a duvet–covered side. "Come with me then, you lazy bear."

 

Seulgi groans, and finally relinquishes her hold as she turns over in the covers to face her. "Stay with me instead, you cold–hearted chipmunk."

 

“Hamster,” she corrects offhandedly.

 

"And squirrel, I've seen,” Seulgi quips, reaching for her sweater sleeve again. “Now come on, just —“

 

“No —"

 

“Wan–ah —"

 

"Seulgi —"

 

They stop abruptly.

 

Well, Seungwan stops struggling. Seulgi stops trying to pull her down. But her hands keep their hold on her arms, and Seulgi —

 

Seulgi just stares at her.

 

Blank. Unreadable.

 

“This feels kinda familiar,” she says stiffly, visibly trying her damnedest to ease the sudden awkwardness in the air.

 

“I —" Not again, not again — "What, did you dream about this, you ert?"

 

Seulgi turns red and it’s a sight that calls for a camera, but then she’s gently pushing Seungwan away with a snort and the moment is gone. “I'm not that imaginative."

 

Seungwan plasters on a smile at the jibe. "You'd think having your head stuck in the clouds so much would mean you were."

 

Seulgi half–scoffs, half–laughs, standing and stretching her arms as she heads towards the door. "You wish I was, you mean."

 

You have no idea.

 

"That's about as likely as me dreaming of you,” Seungwan chuckles, playing along as she goes to follow.

 

"Is that because you're too busy dreaming about Joohyun–unnie?” comes the nonchalant counter, and she almost walks into the dressing table as Seulgi casts a teasing smile at her over her shoulder.

 

She had forgotten all about her unintentional facade again, just like every other time she let herself get too comfortable with being close to Seulgi. And that's when an impulse seizes her out of nowhere, flaring up instantly at the expectation in her friend's eyes.

 

Somehow, it looks more like a challenge this time.

 

“No,” is what she decides to say as she walks up to her, lips curling slightly to combat the honesty of her words. “Because I don't."

 

It’s airy enough to pass as unremarkable, yet Seulgi seems to freeze as Seungwan sidesteps her and opens the door, and okay — she has no idea what she’s just implied.

 

(She kind of does.)

 

She definitely doesn’t know what Seulgi's reaction means.

 

(She really doesn’t.)

 

"Surprising,” the other girl replies with eventually as she trails after her, audibly trying to come off more jesting than genuinely surprised.

 

Seungwan tries not to read too much into it, but the curt response only makes the hopeful, naive part of her wonder if there’s something she’s not seeing.

 

(Pay attention, or you’ll keep on hurting yourself for no reason.)

 

She looks back at Seulgi and catches her staring right back, eyes meeting for a split second before Seungwan focuses on moving forward.

 

(…Joohyun always knows more than she lets on. Like the fairy godmother she never knew she needed.)

 

“Hey, Seo Hyunjin–sunbaenim's drama is on in a few minutes. Do you wanna watch?” the taller girl asks abruptly as she bounces up and matches Seungwan's pace in an about–face that leaves her reeling.

 

“Yeah, sure,” leaves her lips before she can think about the internal meltdown she's just agreed to, since watching television alone with Seulgi was a much better idea when they weren't performing multiple elaborate, push–pull dances around each other. “But first, what do you want to eat?”

 

“Uh, I was just gonna microwave the leftovers from last night.”

 

“I can make something.”

 

“You don’t have to make something."

 

“I want to make something.”

 

“I want to eat leftovers."

 

It earns her a playfully scornful glare as Seungwan reaches out to block her way to the fridge. Then she pauses and looks away, Joohyun’s words pushing her to bite the bullet and confront her fellow vocalist while she can still speak to her like a friend. "…Seul."

 

She tilts her head. "Yeah?"

 

"Something's…bothering you,” she states, and her companion shrugs as if it hasn’t been apparent for the past few months.

 

“You won’t let me eat leftovers."

 

Seungwan disregards the obvious deflection with a pleading expression. “Can you —” She clicks her tongue and turns to lean back lightly against the refrigerator door. "Can you talk to me, Seul?”

 

"I am talking to you."

 

"But you're not —“

 

That look in her eyes is back again, softening and fading as quickly as it appears, and Seungwan sees it clearly; cuts herself off with a purse of her lips.

 

“Forget it. Let’s just get your dumb leftovers and —“

 

“I want to talk to you.”

 

The door swings open and a wave of cool air greets her as she stills, her hand frozen on the handle.

 

“Is that what you want to hear?” Seulgi continues almost indignantly, and Seungwan shuts the door.

 

“Is that what you really want?” she retorts, too tired to be annoyed or even frustrated at her stubbornness.

 

It seems to set Seulgi back a peg nonetheless as she bites her lip for a long moment. “I…Yes. I’m just — not ready, right now,” she admits softly, glancing down at her feet before lifting her gaze once more. “Is that okay?”

 

Seungwan can’t tell whether she’s on her way to winning a proper discussion or losing her mind over a matter of the heart, but she sees a certainty that she can trust, and she nods. “Yeah,” she murmurs, turning around to open the fridge again. “Yeah, of course.”

 

“Okay,” Seulgi exhales, and moves towards her with a jut of her chin towards the top shelf inside. “I’ll just…grab my food, then."

 

Seungwan shakes her head even as the box of kimchi fried rice escapes her grasp. “No, it’s okay, I can —"

 

“I’ve got it, Wan–ah,” the lead vocalist reiterates with that gentle force of hers, and the shorter one presses her lips together. It seems like an apology, so she obeys and backs down, settling against a countertop and trying not to look as huffy as she feels.

 

“You should really stop with that frown of yours.”

 

Of course, like with many Seulgi–related things, she fails.

 

“I can’t help it if I’m concerned,” she mutters, and it garners a cocked eyebrow from the other girl as she puts her meal in the microwave with a flick of the dial.

 

“Concerned?"

 

Seungwan leans against the counter, her expression a cross between a smile and a quizzical frown. "Yeah, I’m concerned. I'm your best friend, aren't I?"

 

There’s only the sound of clinking silverware and rifled cupboards for a moment as Seulgi falters. Then she brandishes a mug from the upper shelves, and reaches for the fridge.

 

"Sometimes I wish you weren’t."

 

Her voice cuts through the steady whir of the microwave to fall quiet and stark on Seungwan’s ears, and it’s so sudden that all she can manage is a startled, "Pardon?"

 

Seulgi bites her lip; shrugs one shoulder. “Concerned,” she replies, after a beat. “You worry so much about everyone. Often too much. It’s bad for your health."

 

Seungwan resists the urge to ask her if that’s what she really means, and the result is an awkward breath of laughter. “This is beginning to sound familiar."

 

The dancer just gives her a wry smile as she hefts a carton of milk out and shuts the door, and Seungwan looks away. The conversation is dropped as they let the silence seep in between them once again, accompanied only by the sound of Seulgi rummaging for cutlery and the humming oven in the background. She debates starting up another discussion to ease the stiffness in the air, but nothing safe comes to mind and she just lets herself lean back against the counter in mute company. Seulgi’s presence is still as soothing as it's always been even with the added blankets of tension though, and soon enough Seungwan finds herself diving back into her mess of overactive thoughts.

 

She doesn’t know exactly how long she stands there once everything tunes out, even while she’s counting the seconds it takes for four years worth of knots to loosen in her stomach. It's all drowned out by vain efforts at not mulling over the warm milk, the searching hands, the sleeping pills, the furtive looks, the safety beneath the sheets —

 

She sighs.

 

The tightness of her chest is always getting harder to ignore.

 

“Here."

 

An arm is nudged against her shoulder, and she looks up. “Milk?” She blinks up at the taller girl, who just nods as she holds out the mug. She forgoes adding the "Again?" that initially made its way to .

 

“You looked like you needed it."

 

Seulgi still speaks softly, now with a certain playful lilt that Seungwan’s always been weak for.

 

It's disarming as ever, and it's dangerous. So, so dangerous.

 

“Thank you.” She tries not to look like she’s accepting a lit fuse as she takes the drink from Seulgi’s hands, but there’s too much hesitation in the way she moves. She can feel the familiar atmosphere dissipating into awkwardness yet again, and hastens for something to fill it. “Isn’t milk meant for mending broken hearts, though?” is all she can think of, and it grants a shrug.

 

“I suppose so,” Seulgi replies, walking past her with a halfway smile and a box of freshly reheated rice in hand.

 

There's something more to it, Seungwan knows. She's known for some months now, especially with the first time she was given warm milk. Between her hapless infatuation and the searching glances from Seulgi, there’s little else she can think of doing besides a reevaluation of their whole relationship. Best friends shouldn’t be dancing in aimless circles around each other; she knows.

 

This needs to be fixed.

 

“Seungwan?”

 

She scurries to the sofa at the call with her drink held carefully between both hands, sitting down somewhere between Seulgi and the armrest as the television flickers on, and a commercial break fills the pause. “Are we watching the drama, then?” she inquires, blowing gently at the rise of steam from her mug. Seulgi munches on a mouthful of rice and wordlessly passes her the remote, and Seungwan takes it without looking or turning to her fully, for fear of —

 

(Fear of what?)

 

Seulgi tries to offer her a few bites once she changes the channel and Seungwan declines, swallowing hard as she gives in and glimpses the spark of her eyes captivated by the action on the screen; the way her hair falls over them and tickles her cheek. Things like these are things she’s always paid too much attention to, and it’s always been the bane of her desire to be a good friend. The best she could be.

 

It’s as if the dancer is doing it on purpose when she tucks mahogany tresses behind her ear and shakes her head slightly. “This is nice,” she murmurs, smiling slightly as Seungwan blinks at her. “Doing this with you, again."

 

It makes her twist around properly just to fire back a jesting remark, but Seulgi’s hiding her mirth behind the rim of her mug — and there it is. Warmth blossoming in her veins to flush her skin pink; and incessant thoughts of wanting to see it so much more than she already does. Seungwan folds her legs closer to herself, away from Seulgi, and tries to swallow down the hummingbird rhythm in her chest.

 

It’s been so long, and yet it’s still so difficult.

 

Even now, there’s too much time to think about it. Too much time to scare herself over something she thought she left behind as an eighteen year–old, yet too little knowledge to even fathom an appropriate way of going about it. How do you stop yourself from falling back into your old ways if it’s constantly there as a walking, talking, smiling reminder?

 

(The same way you stop yourself from falling for your best friend in the first place, Seungwan would bet.)

 

The ramyun advert ends as Seulgi hisses quietly at a mouthful of rice that burns her tongue, and the main vocalist has to stifle the fond quirk of her lips before it can consume her.

 

She hasn’t been doing a good job of it: this distancing. Claiming her place at Seulgi's shoulder, sneaking into her bed, sharing smiles and glances of intimacy between the stark silences…

 

It needs to stop. She’s been meaning to stop for a while now, but it’s instances like this, when they’re alone, that brings her back to square one. Back to that practice room with talks of the future. Back to that cramped bed and its unanswered pleas, and lips meeting lips like they could be like that.

 

Like breaking a habit, she reminds herself, right as her companion shifts and accidentally brushes their legs together. It throws her off briefly, and of course that would be the moment where Seulgi gives her a tentative smile from the other end of the sofa.

 

Seungwan swallows; breathes in at the sight.

 

Because bad habits have to be broken.