cold shoulders
force of habitI planned to upload literally right after publishing the foreword, but I had to rewrite it at least five times. OTL
Since it's idolverse, I'm doing my best to reference things that happened in real life. Hence why I'm starting a little further back to last year.
Also heads-up, some smol angst coming your way!
Their debut promotions are barely ending when she first notices it.
Initially it was just a passing thing: a random occurrence that happened every so often during interviews and the like. Nothing significant, and nothing to really think much of.
Then it became regular, and eventually people began to notice.
(And then Seulgi got that one UFO message asking her about it — one that she responded to with utmost honesty, because why not?)
So, now what everyone and their grandmother seems to know is that Seungwan has a tendency to lean on Seulgi’s shoulder.
More specifically, her left one.
And it's becoming a habit.
Now, Seulgi's not complaining about it. After all, how can she when it's Seungwan? Despite some lingering awkwardness with her whole 'limited skinship' policy, the warmth of the shorter girl has quickly become more familiar than anything over the past couple of years. Plus Seulgi won’t admit it out loud, but she finds the notion flattering.
And endearing. But that’s another matter entirely.
Truth be told, she appreciates it — being depended on. Living as the maknae of her family as well as a family of trainees has had its perks and all, but there’s a certain appeal to being someone that can be relied on for something. Even if that something is essentially acting as a buffer for Seungwan's frequent moments of bashfulness.
Sure, it’s not the same as being relied upon like Joohyun is for quiet companionship, Sooyoung for wisecracking logic, and Yerim for more emotional insight. But Seungwan's kind of a combination of all three, so of course Seulgi allows her ego to flare a little in the face of having Wendy Son — power vocalist, Obama Award genius, possible real-life angel, and cooking extraordinaire — being reliant on her.
Honestly, she likes it.
(Well, okay — she likes it a little too much.)
It's becoming increasingly more often now that she finds herself waiting for a familiar weight to settle on her shoulder; punctuated with a body that's always standing too close and yet not close enough. Interviews, video messages, and all sorts of mundane things are made warmer and easier with Seungwan by her side, because she always seems to gravitate towards Seulgi at her most awkward. Or maybe it's the other way around.
In any case, by the time they've had their first comeback with Yerim, it's happened so often that she’s lost count of how many times she’s felt the ever-familiar presence of Seungwan to her left, always a little behind or beside her. It’s really kind of adorable, and it’s part of why Seulgi finds herself looking for spaces next to Seungwan during every event that calls for it.
It's also why she starts noticing every time Seungwan doesn't lean on her.
Like when they’re at another music festival after their 'The Red' promotions, and once Seungwan's finished singing a snippet of their sunbae's song she half-expects to feel her duck behind Seulgi slightly with that overly adorable look of embarrassment on her face. But then she doesn't, and Seulgi's quiet disappointment is only remedied later when Seungwan embraces her with a blanket backstage, murmuring something about cold weather into her shoulder as the taller girl tries to hide her grin with a pat on her head.
It’s silly, really — all the actions that Seulgi suddenly becomes hyperaware of. Just because Seungwan happens to lean on her a lot doesn’t mean she’ll lean on her all the time.
And just because she tends to catch Seungwan giving her a particular kind of look, doesn’t mean she feels the same way about it, too.
(Except sometimes it almost does. Like when Seungwan's brushing loose strands from her face or turning to sing to her during their harmonies and duets, or when their gazes hold one another and linger like a record pausing right before the first verse.)
Really though, it’s not her fault for second-guessing herself over a fellow member when said member looks and acts like how Seungwan does. Seulgi's not so naive as to think that 'Prince Charming's truly exist, but Seungwan's pretty close.
Thing is — as if reconsidering her own inclinations wasn't bad enough — Seulgi often finds herself wondering about Seungwan and her personal preferences.
She notices innocent little things at first. From the way Seungwan quietly fusses over their leader to the way she speaks so freely with their fans about marriage proposals and love confessions, regardless of gender. There's also the fact that Seulgi's caught her staring at some girls' lips and hands and legs for a bit too long, but that could well just be her own delusions. Still, there are the few occasions where she's walked in on Seulgi changing, because Seulgi still hasn't learned the importance of locking doors that aren't part of the bathroom.
Seungwan's reaction is always instant, and always the same. Her eyes would go still and unseeing and her cheeks would flush bright red, and she'd stand there for approximately two blank seconds before blinking rapidly and babbling a string of words that sound vaguely like apologies. Seulgi would watch in amusement, not really paying attention to what she's saying because she's usually caught between either cooing over the sheer adorable and smirking at the flustered state of their resident reaction queen.
It's times like that when she really starts to believe her theory, because girls who only like guys would probably respond similar to Sooyoung, who consistently gives her deadpan stares before promptly leaving with a mutter of "shameless dumb bear", or something along those lines.
Honestly speaking though, Seulgi often finds herself hoping that it really is just all in her head.
It would probably sting less if it was, because for all the loving warmth that Seungwan radiates, anyone with eyes can see that she has a special soft spot for one Bae Joohyun.
(And anyone with a brain could connect the dots pretty quickly when considering the possibility of Seungwan genuinely seeing girls that way.)
The thing about Joohyun is that she's probably the most perfect female Seulgi's seen and has had the fortune to know, because she's a kind beauty as much as she's a domestic goddess and charming prankster extraordinaire. Heck, Seulgi sometimes wonders why she didn't just crush on Joohyun instead.
But no matter how hard she tries to shake her, Seungwan always comes crashing back like waves into the shoreline of her mind. Normally it's just a passing thought on how Seungwan is total crush material too, and that just spirals into listing all her 'total crush' qualities to herself like some kind of crazed fangirl. Then sometimes Seungwan — real, physical, totally crush-worthy Seungwan — is the one who invades her thoughts with a prod on her arm or a head on her shoulder and a "What are you thinking about?" murmured into her ear.
Frankly, she doesn't get it. One moment Seungwan will be like that — stuck to her like glue, fussing over her hair and her clothes and holding onto Seulgi like she's the only pillar of strength she needs. Then Seulgi blinks, and suddenly Seungwan's enraptured by Joohyun's heart eyes all over again. She doesn't suppose it's truly bitterness or jealousy that causes her to frown to herself whenever it happens.
It's just…confusion. Plain confusion.
Seungwan's confusing, and Seulgi feels the need to figure her out. And that's where the habits come in.
Because for all the care and attention that Seungwan gives out like free candy, Seulgi finds herself becoming more and more attuned to the way she acts when she's the one who needs affection. She develops a habit of observing Seungwan's habits: the leaning, the fidgeting, the nervous ticks, the restless taps of fingers drumming against every surface she happens to be touching.
Of course, throughout it all she sees how Seungwan depends on them — her family, she's called them — to be there for her when she needs comfort. Sometimes she sees Yerim and Sooyoung cheering her on with bright smiles and brighter laughter, and other times she sees Seungwan's grateful smile being directed at her, squeezing her arm ever so slightly and leaning into her just that much more.
Mostly she sees Joohyun, who supports her as silently as she always does, except with soft words and softer eyes and some kind of gaze that ever fails to make Seungwan flustered.
Eventually Seulgi starts actively trying to find all sorts of opportunities to support her too, in any way possible. It had started with several things. Among them was the previous year, with a valiant attempt at cooking seaweed soup on Seungwan's birthday, which ended with Joohyun having to intervene and cook it herself and "How the hell did you manage to set fire to a pot of boiling water?"
She had decided to hold off on more grandiose gestures from that point, which left her stumped for a while. When it comes down to it she's not good with words like Seungwan is, and she's certainly not good at taking the initiative like Joohyun does. She's good at being a human headrest, though. So Seulgi settles for the next best thing, which is really just presenting herself for moral, physical and emotional support at any given time. The issue then is just whether or not Seungwan takes it.
Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't, and it's becoming increasingly harder for Seulgi to pretend that it's not bothering her when the latter becomes increasingly more regular off-camera. Interviews included.
They're doing one as a group, a pictorial for a fashion magazine, and Seulgi helps answering questions whenever she can, doing her best not to stumble over words when Seungwan's attentive gaze falls on her.
(I wish you would stop looking at me like that.)
At one point Joohyun takes too long to answer, and it's Seungwan's turn to take the reins with a light laugh and a bashful reply. They all laugh together with the interviewer, and Seulgi feels the telltale brush of a petite body ready to hide their face in her shoulder.
But Seungwan hesitates behind her, and Seulgi stands with quiet dismay as she pulls away instead, standing off to the side with her hands clasped tightly together. Another question is asked and a textbook response leaves in a well-practiced guise of calm confidence, and Seulgi can only join her members in nodding and agreeing in all the right places.
She guesses that it might be because Seungwan understands her need for breathing room. She just doesn't know how to tell her that she doesn't mind Seungwan invading her space at any given time or place.
Just because she's less openly affectionate doesn't mean she doesn't crave it from her crush as much as the next girl, after all. And besides, Joohyun's been helping her become more comfortable with it for years now. Together Seungwan and Joohyun are touchy-feely as a default though, and that opens up countless opportunities for skinship and borderline couple gestures that bother her way more than they should.
Seulgi only starts realising just how much sometime in November.
It's their monthly movie night and they're taking a break from all the post-promotions of their last comeback, and Seungwan's too busy screaming bloody murder to hear the door opening, all while the real bloody murder starts taking place onscreen.
"Seungwan? What the —"
Joohyun comes stumbling in, still clad in her dress and heels from the Music Bank broadcast about an hour earlier. She takes one look at the faces of barely suppressed laughter from the maknaes and Seulgi's grimace beside Seungwan before heaving a sigh. "Guys, what did I tell you about watching horror movies with Wan?"
"You said her facial expressions made everything seem like a comedy. Ow!"
"That was you, Sooyoung," the eldest deadpans, relinquishing the cushion-turned-weapon as Sooyoung nurses the crown of her head with an overexaggerated pout. "And I told you that the landlady will complain again. The company doesn't need to deal with our neighbour's problems on top of other things."
"Sorry," they all intone, and Joohyun just shakes her head fondly, glancing at the film before wincing slightly at the killer now brandishing a shining crimson knife.
"What are you watching, anyway?"
"'Scream'," Yerim informs her absently, munching on her popcorn without lifting her eyes off the gory mess of blood and bodies on their TV screen. Joohyun looks to Seulgi for an explanation, and she shrugs in defeat.
"They won Rock, Paper, Scissors," is all she says, flinching when a particularly graphic death plays and Yerim and Sooyoung cackle at the characters who continue to run around like bloodied, headless chickens. Seungwan's had enough of the jump-scares by that point, and Seulgi almost reaches out to pull her back when she gets up and scurries around to meet Joohyun with a forced smile.
"Here, let me help you," she practically begs her, and Seulgi watches Joohyun try to hide her laughter when Seungwan seizes her jacket and hurries to put it on a hook near the front door.
"With all the yelling I thought you were in trouble, or something," the older girl comments with amusement, and Seungwan flushes pink.
"You know I don't deal well with horror films…" she mumbles bashfully, and Joohyun giggles, pats her head, and steps past her to make her way to her room. She doesn't notice how Seungwan turns several shades darker at the simple gesture. Seulgi does.
"Ugly-unnie, we've watched this three times already, the ending's boring," Yerim whines, and Sooyoung playfully punches her. "Oh hey, who's up for 'The Notebook'?" The youngest yells then as the final reveal of the killer rolls in the background, and Joohyun calls her agreement on the way to their shared bedroom.
"I… need to go to the toilet first," Seungwan says resignedly. "But if this turns out to be another horror movie then I'm going to bed, okay?"
"Of course, unnie!" Sooyoung laughs, jumping up from the sofa and heading over to the kitchenette to grab another bag of popcorn. Seulgi makes sure Yerim actually puts 'The Notebook' into the DVD player instead of 'The Strangers' ("Aw, you're no fun, unnie…") before snuggling back into her cocoon of blankets in wait of their fellow members.
Soon enough, Seungwan returns from the bathroom a little before Joohyun emerges in pajamas, and Sooyoung takes her freshly-made popcorn from the microwave and hits the light switch on her way back. The room goes dark again, and Seulgi waits for it, counts the seconds down to the moment Seungwan's warmth settles back at her side.
Instead, she spots the smaller girl taking a seat on the other end of the sofa out of the corner of her eye — and while she doesn't turn to actually look, she can't focus on anything other than Joohyun sitting down between them in her peripherals.
Yerim grabs the remote, snatches some of the new snacks, and squirms back into her makeshift cushion-seat. "Ready?"
"Ready," Joohyun yawns, curling into Seungwan's side like a baby animal as the maknae hits play and the opening sequence starts.
Seulgi watches the other two sharing the sofa quietly before deciding to reach down and steal a handful of popcorn from Sooyoung's bowl, and as the younger girl whines at her she smiles; convinces herself that it's not jealousy churning inside her gut when she sees Seungwan leaning into Joohyun's warmth.
Her left shoulder still just feels strangely cold for the rest of the night.
…So did anyone get the teeny tiny Noisy Thoughts reference? Yes? No?
This is officially on hiatus until further notice! I'm sorry it took this long to make a statement, but after forcing myself to write and hating each and every word, I want to try and focus on other stuff for now. This will be finished, one day.
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