guilt trip
force of habitI feel as if I’m writing like it’s an essay, cause this chapter's a monster compared to the previous ones. (About twice the length of the previous chapter OTL)
But without further ado, take this and strap yourselves in for a little trip of emotion/shameless delulu canon divergence…
Extensive research indicates that Seungwan apologises at least ten times more often than the average human being, which is about ten times more often than necessary. Seulgi’s done said research herself. She knows this stuff like the back of her hand; so much so that she’s considered dropping idol life altogether to apply to a university and major in a course in Seungwanology.
…Granted, that was when she decided to watch reruns of Secret Garden with the bottle of wine that she won from the SM Town Halloween Party.
Point is, Seulgi's known the girl for close to four years now. She's probably had a crush on her for half that time. So even without monitoring her crush's mannerisms, it's hard not to start noticing the abundant “Sorry"s that are always ready to drop from Seungwan's mouth at any given moment.
(She's pretty sure by now that if she received a hundred won for every time they have, she could pay for their group plus the managers to take a trip to Canada, all expenses covered.
Then again, the problem isn’t money in the first place — just the fact that they have zero time in their schedules for a proper vacation.)
There are moments where it’s undeniably endearing to witness the unfailing sincerity of her wide eyes and the apologies that run swiftly from her tongue. But on the other hand, there are times that Seungwan apologises for things out of her power — as if all the mistakes in the world could only be rooted to her. It really only adds to the long list of reasons as to why Son Seungwan may just be a real-life angel.
The protectiveness it instills then is wholly instinctual on Seulgi's part, because who wouldn't feel protective over the tiny chipmunk of a girl? Of course, it's not at all due to the warmth that seems to permeate her skin through her every small gesture and lingering touch. Not in the slightest. Just pure platonic, friendly protectiveness.
Surely it's just friendly protectiveness when Seulgi starts wrapping her arms around Seungwan more and more — both behind closed doors and out at schedules — as if they've suddenly switched roles. Suddenly it seems like she's the clingy one.
It's most definitely just friendly protectiveness when she finds herself asking about the sleeping pills again, frowning at the new bottle that’s procured and offering her bed once again when it turns out that the dorm’s boiler has broken.
Maybe it’s the protectiveness that manages to pry even more at Seungwan's own inhibitions, because a mere week after that it's happening again.
The bunk bed above Seulgi creaks only slightly but still manages to stir her awake, and she turns to look around as a familiar figure makes its way out of the room. Something in the back of her mind keeps her awake in wait of Seungwan’s return, listening keenly to the running of the tap and the splash of water before it stops, and light footsteps begin to make their way back. A momentary pause follows where she seems to hesitate at the doorway of the bedroom, and Seulgi finds herself holding her breath until the Canadian finally makes her way over.
It takes a second for the older girl to register the presence now lingering beside her bed, but as she does she's sitting up with an expectant look, smirking slightly at the surprise that flits across Seungwan’s features in the dim light of the moon before reaching out to pull her down onto the mattress. The shorter one lets out a small squeak but doesn't resist as she blinks up at Seulgi in the darkness, lying still as warm covers are thrown over and tucked carefully around her; like with every other time they’ve shared them.
“…Sorry,” she says quietly, curling furtive hands in the space between them while Seulgi turns to lie on her side, facing away from her. "I sleep better when I'm warm."
Some delusional part of Seulgi's half-asleep mind translates it into "I sleep better when I'm with you," and she stares into the darkness before tilting her head slightly to address her. Seungwan lies closer than she thought, and the subtle scent of honeysuckle and rose greets her as their heads bump together lightly; the strands of now-crimson hair tickling her neck in a way that has her hastily twisting back to the wall.
“It’s fine,” is all she manages to murmur. “You don’t need to apologise."
All is quiet then, save for Joohyun's soft, slow breathing across the room. Seulgi wonders how she manages to be such a deep sleeper; wonders why Seungwan doesn't just cuddle up to her, instead. Joohyun's pretty warm, too. She’d probably be a better pillow. Or just a better choice, overall. Not that she’d say that out loud though, because what if Seungwan really does go over to join Joohyun, instead?
But wouldn't that be better?
Seulgi might be able to breathe better, ignore the phantom pains in her chest better, possibly even sleep better.
(Except she wouldn't, since the only time she's managed to sleep peacefully in the past few months is when Seungwan is by her side, which is more telling about herself and her present predicament than she'd ever admit.)
"You couldn't sleep?" she finds herself asking after a few minutes pass, and Seungwan remains silent. Seulgi almost turns to check if she's asleep, until there's a pinch of her shirt being held from behind as the smaller girl lets out a heavy exhale.
"The pills didn't work," she utters, almost too low to hear as she speaks to her back. Seulgi lies there and doesn’t respond, lets the words digest slowly in her sleep-fuddled mind until they hit her as a ball of unease in her gut.
The pills didn't work.
The pills didn't work.
Seulgi tries not to panic at her admission because the tremble of Seungwan's voice is more tired than sleepy, and she doesn't know how they came to hold such a significant difference, but they do. Instead, she settles for reaching back over her shoulder, waiting for her sleep companion to get the message and clasp her hand before she's bringing them down to her stomach, resting so that the main vocalist's arm curls gently over her waist. It's to comfort herself as much as it's to comfort Seungwan, but she's not sure how well it works for either of them.
Another apology spills from her best friend's lips, and it's about as affectionate as it is exasperated when Seulgi sighs, because this is a routine now and Seungwan’s still as hesitant and Seungwan-esque as ever. She tangles their fingers together regardless, and wills herself to stay awake just to make sure the younger one falls asleep.
Maybe this could be avoided if they had the time and energy to talk about worries like they used to, in their debut days. And maybe Seungwan would have less trouble falling asleep cold if Seulgi would just suggest for her to use more blankets or wear warmer clothes; more layers. But no, she'd rather have them cuddled up together at night for whatever reason she’d never admit, and Seungwan seems perfectly content with sharing a bed with her so long as they don't bring it up at any point afterwards.
She's weird like that.
(And really, she would have already considered such things like bundling up beforehand. Right?
But that would mean she actually prefers Seulgi’s warmth, and that’s —
That’s impossible.)
The weirdness continues on after that night, and Seulgi is more or less thrown for the loop. She doesn't know what it means when Seungwan starts coming into her bed more often, with less apologies and more tentative smiles. All she knows is that once the redhead suddenly drags her to the bathroom after dinner one day and wordlessly hands her the same bottle of pills from a few weeks before — still as full as the day she got them — she'd let her keep doing it for as long as she needs. Seulgi doesn’t mind how her presence burns more and more every time, so long as she’s there; sleeping soundly and not functioning on little white tablets to fight the anxious restlessness.
Now, the weirdest part isn't the sudden normalcy of sharing a bed together. No, it's that throughout it all Seungwan is still growing closer with Joohyun, becoming intimate in a way that has Yerim teasing them endlessly and Sooyoung raising eyebrows left and right. Needless to say, it's a firm blow from the sledgehammer of reality when they start their next era of promotions.
Because even when Seungwan isn't starring in her own 'We Got Married' with Joohyun, Seulgi finds it hard to believe that she could have eyes for anyone else. Least of all her goofy, awkward, same-aged friend.
And she hates that there's some semblance of stubborn hope left in her, kept in physical form as scribbles and drawings of Seungwan that litter her sketchbook — have been littering it since that fateful day she decided to make notes of her idiosyncrasies.
It doesn't help that Seungwan treats her the same way that she always does, while still prioritising their leader as per usual. It certainly doesn't help that Seulgi's become too attuned to it all, too sensitive to every little thing she sees.
Honestly, it feels like whiplash. Really confusing whiplash.
Case in point, the fansigns they attend for 'The Velvet' are like a breeding ground for cavities whenever Seungwan sits next to Joohyun and acts as sweet as she does on a daily basis towards the older girl. One of their first events is situated in Incheon, and at some point near the end Sooyoung comments that their leader hasn't spoken a word. So Seulgi agrees and turns to prompt the eldest, only to be greeted by the back of Seungwan's head and Joohyun's wide eyes paying rapt attention to their main vocalist. They try calling her a couple of times with their microphones, but she continues speaking to Seungwan and Seungwan continues speaking to her and Seulgi decides that it's easier to just give up, at this point.
"Ah, she's too preoccupied to notice," she informs Sooyoung and the fans with a laugh, plastering on her usual grin as she steals a glance back at the couple. "She's busy talking with Wendy."
She and Sooyoung talk again instead, and eventually the rest of the fansign passes by smoothly once they get Joohyun to say a few words. Seulgi allows herself to relax into an easier smile, and tries not think too hard about anything as they're bidding goodbye to their fans.
(But she does wonder. Joohyun can't be that blind to the way Seungwan calls for her attention, only to avoid her gaze every time the older girl looks her in the eyes for too long.)
Seulgi watches it happen again after that, predictably; during a radio show that they're guesting on almost a week later. In a strange way it's a wake up call — one that she really should have been getting since their trainee days. But maybe it's all part and parcel in the grand scheme of things, since Seulgi does have a reputation for being slow to catch on.
It's like the Gayo Daejun of 2014 all over again, and she feels as if she's watching a rerun of their interpretation of 'Eyes, Nose, Lips', except this time on live radio broadcast.
The moment ends as quick as it starts, but she can't seem to shake the image of their playful eyes and tender smiles as the song plays on. Nevertheless she continues to grin strongly, straining only slightly at the corners.
It's just Joohyun playing around with Seungwan, she reminds herself. Just. Joohyun.
But of course, it's Joohyun, who's gorgeous and kind and so, so caring. Even if she's too shy to say most things, Joohyun is and always will be the best silent supporter that Seulgi will ever know, and she knows she'll always be grateful for her as a friend and as a teammate.
Plus she’s already sworn to herself that she'll never let something like this — a schoolgirl crush, at best — get in the way of achieving their dreams together. They've worked too hard for this, and it's not fair on anyone to let the team down because of her conflictions alone.
The horrid self-comparisons still come as unwanted as ever though. Because Seulgi may be able to sing and dance, but Joohyun is prettier, can cook well, and can move more smoothly in choreography. Joohyun also takes care of Seungwan and in turn gets especially taken care of by Seungwan, and —
And Seulgi does her best to stop herself, she really does, but jealousy rears its ugly head like a typical green-eyed monster when she sees them whispering to each other again, talking so closely and holding one another like a true couple would.
Really, were they always this lovey-dovey?
(Was I always such a jealous person?)
They all make hearts with their hands at the camera near the end of the song, and Seulgi does her usual triple heart combo before the pairs either side of her do theirs. Seungwan and Joohyun are the ones that she turns to then, and it's as if she's watching her body move under some other force as she breaks their heart with an outstretched hand. It's playful enough, and she ends up laughing as the redhead pushes her away lightly and revives the heart with a grin. Seulgi sits back with a smile and lets the disappointment roll off her shoulders with practiced ease, and when it's time to say farewell she's surprised by Seungwan briefly leaving Joohyun to make a heart with her.
It makes her a lot happier than it really should, so naturally she files it away as typical friendly behaviour. Right next to the long hugs and the leaning and the bed sharing and literally every other openly warm behaviour that's so often associated with Red Velvet’s main vocalist.
…Seriously, Seungwan needs to learn to keep her cute little hands to herself. And Seulgi should learn not to overthink things.
Yet here she is. Overthinking things from the end of the hallway that leads from their bedrooms to the main room and the spacey kitchenette around the corner. Seungwan’s cooking what smells like blueberry muffins, and the low growl in the resident teddy bear’s stomach only goes unheard thanks to the music blaring from the phone on the counter nearby.
The reason why Seulgi’s stuck there, overthinking things as she does so often nowadays, is simple enough to understand. Her crush is breezing her way around the place like some kind of heaven-sent master chef, mixing and adding and measuring and muttering numbers and instructions to herself all the while. Sometimes she hums, taps her fingers, sings along to some verses with that honeyed voice of hers, and even does dorky little dances to the particularly upbeat ones.
Seulgi finds herself just standing there at the opening of the hallway, her previous notion of getting snacks forgotten as she stares openly at the girl before her, who seems to have forgotten that it’s both her and Seulgi left alone at the dorm today. The scene is just all the more endearing, because of course Seungwan performs little mini concerts when she thinks she's alone.
Something about it has her hesitating within the first minute of watching unnoticed, and she backs up to lean against the wall just as an electronic track finishes and familiar guitar chords begin to strum the air.
"Take time to realize,” she hears her sing to herself, and the memory of nights spent rehearsing together flashes through the forefront of her mind, singing duets for practice and for fun, and not for crowds of fans or judges or trainers to scrutinise them. She remembers practicing love songs to perform at weddings just last year, and how Seungwan had gushed to her about the brides and the grooms and having her own wedding in the future, and oh, I can’t wait till our turn comes!
(But not in that way, Seulgi had to remind herself at the time, back when she was still naive to the blush on her own cheeks.)
Needless to say, it’s something that traps her thoughts and sits heavy on her chest. Thus, in the true fashion of a hopeless romantic pining after her best friend, Seulgi decides to be a coward again and turns away to head back to her room quietly. Pringles and banana milk can wait. Feelings can wait.
And they do, until it's movie night that evening at the dorm. This time around, Seulgi's sitting comfortably on the floor beside Sooyoung's legs as the younger girl lounges on the sofa next to Seungwan and Joohyun. Yerim's already gone to bed because she’s exhausted herself the whole week, so the whole ordeal is a lot quieter than usual. It's peaceful since there's no popcorn flying everywhere from the maknaes warring over food, but now Yerim's constant running commentary isn't there to distract Seulgi from the duo cuddled together at the opposite end of the sofa.
She spots them glued to each other out of the corner of her eye, but doesn't turn away from screen. Regardless, it does nothing to help her concentrate on the first meeting of Sunyi and Chulsoo, because she still can’t focus on anything other than the couple in her peripherals. Not when it feels like a repeat of the last time they all watched films together like this. Not when Seungwan is supposed to be sitting next to her as she usually does every time they watch anything in the living room.
(It's basically their designated space — side by side where Seungwan can hold Seulgi when she cries at a particularly sad part or hide her face in Seulgi's shoulder during horror movies, or just rest her head there to use as a cushion.)
Even Sooyoung seems bothered by it. She's the one who raises an eyebrow at Seulgi when she steers past the occupied spot on the sofa and sits on the floor with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. Maybe the blatant look of disgruntlement on Seulgi's face gives it away, but neither of the other two on the sofa seem to notice, so it doesn't make a difference.
Some hours pass in relatively quiet company, and after they finish their third film of the night it's Seungwan who gives an almighty yawn and stretches herself out. Seulgi watches curiously as she moves away from Joohyun, slipping out from her arms (And how did they end up around her anyway, at which point in the last movie —) before standing and stretching with a sigh.
"I think I'll turn in early today," Seungwan mumbles, glancing briefly at Seulgi as she steps past her. "It's eleven o'clock already."
"Aw, come on!" Sooyoung immediately whines, pressing pause on the remote before the opening of the next film can start. "You're not that weak, unnie!"
"I'm sleepy, though,” she pouts back, before smiling. "You can watch without me."
"You don't mind?" Seulgi chimes in, shooting a playful grin up at her.
"I've seen it five times already," Seungwan laughs, scratching her neck bashfully. "Make sure you guys actually get some sleep, though. We have a schedule tomorrow."
In her little burrito-wrapped blanket Joohyun nods and smiles, settling back comfortably. "Will do."
It's a short but sweet answer typical of their leader, and it's satisfying enough for Seungwan as she nods and regards them once more. "Goodnight then, guys."
"Goodnight!" they call back in unison, and as Seulgi turns to watch her go she’s met with the sight of Seungwan’s warm gaze. And, of course, it's lingering inevitably tender on Joohyun’s profile.
She wonders if that’s how she looks when she’s staring at Seungwan, and somehow she can’t tear her eyes away until the redhead finally moves again. Their gazes catch then, and Seungwan’s the first to break it as she abruptly turns away, an unfamiliar look on her face that Seulgi only just glimpses as Cha Taehyun's voice introduces 'My Sassy Girl'. It’s little more than a millisecond, and yet it's filled with something that sits in her chest almost palpably — like some kind of apprehension weighing on her like an anvil. Either way, she can't quite figure out what that 'something' is past the flash of what looked to be anxiety that's ingrained itself into Seulgi's mind.
It was probably the lighting, she assures herself. It's not like Seungwan can tell how much I know from just a look.
(…Unless it was the way I was looking at her. Oh God.)
The nudge of Joohyun beckoning for her to take Seungwan's place on the sofa tears her from the clamour of thoughts, and she accepts the invitation with an absent "thanks" before joining her next to Sooyoung. The younger girl gives her a single, almost hesitant glance before she's turning away, and nothing more is said for the rest of the movie save for comments on this scene or that one, alongside mentions of going to see Victoria-sunbaenim’s role in ‘My Sassy Girl 2’. By the time the credits are rolling onscreen the thoughts of Seungwan’s indecipherable expression are dulled to a low buzz in her mind, and Seulgi goes to bed with trepidation on her mind once more. It's been less troublesome recently, muffled only due to the knowledge that, well — at least Seungwan is sleeping properly nowadays without having to use sleeping pills or Seulgi's body warmth.
Besides, nothing good will come of her brooding about it as she normally does. So she decides not to dwell on it too much and instead continues to watch from the sidelines when it keeps happening.
But Seungwan notices each time. She sees the lingering glances, the faltering smiles, the hastily averted gazes. And, of course, she tries to confront her about it the next day.
“Seulgi."
She looks up from her sketchbook at the hesitant voice, snapping it closed in a flash as she spots Seungwan standing in the doorway of the otherwise-empty waiting room.
Seulgi smiles, but Seungwan misses it when a hand taps on her shoulder and she turns to greet their manager as he walks in, followed by the rest of their group. They all fall into a discussion about their performance and greet the makeup artists and coordinators with their usual energy, but Seulgi feels her smile growing more strained than usual because she doesn’t catch Seungwan’s eyes for the rest of their time into their first recording. It really shouldn’t bother her that much, so she does her best to shrug it off after the initial sound check, donning her usual smile amidst the gaggle of conversations happening throughout the set of the studio.
“Seulgi-sshi," one of the staff members requests from behind her, and she takes a break from staring at Seungwan and Joohyun to turn around and allow the woman to configure her sound system. There’s a moment where she gets the feeling of someone watching her, but all she sees when she glances around are staff members and idols every which way, framing the image of Seungwan’s back retreating into the waiting room.
A doubtful part of her mind still nags at the fact that Seungwan seems to be chasing after her yet seemingly avoiding her in the first place. Though by the time they go up to perform she's playing the part of an idol doing her job, and so her overactive brain goes silent for all but the lyrics in and the muscle memory of each step to her dance. It lasts until the very end, after their victory is announced and they're handed their trophy with an encore stage and Seulgi's just too happy not to hide a smile from Seungwan.
Following that is when she starts thinking again, this time with the idea that their Canadian member must have some kind of in-built GPS or supernatural Seungwan-sense, because she somehow manages to locate the dancer in one of the unoccupied waiting rooms soon after they finish the broadcast. It was probably with the intention of trying to talk to her again, but Seungwan walks in on her crying and instantly goes for a hug instead — listening to her blubbering about another win and how she can't believe they did it with a ballad in the middle of spring.
Of course Sooyoung finds them eventually, armed with her godforsaken phone and recording everything as soon as she sees Seungwan comforting the second eldest of the group. It’s actually more of a saving grace than anything, because if it were just her and Seungwan then they’d inevitably get to talking about the way Seulgi can’t seem keep her eyes off a certain tiny vocal powerhouse.
Truthfully, Seulgi's just as eager to clear up any misunderstandings that shine through the hairline cracks in their friendship. But as soon as Seungwan starts pushing, Seulgi starts running, and thus begins Round Two of Operation 'Avoid Seungwan-related Problems' — which is about as responsible and moral as it sounds.
That is: not at all.
Seungwan discovers as much in a similar way to the previous week, whilst waiting backstage at another music show. Ironically enough, the only time there seems to be a chance for privacy is outside the confines of their dorm, now that Yerim’s indoors most of the time. Backstage in M!Countdown’s studio Seulgi isn't fast enough nor brave enough to run when she spots her approach, and in all honesty she reckons she wouldn't get very far in these heels. She entertains the thought anyway, doing her best to distract herself from Seungwan, Seungwan, and Seungwan as said girl stops and hesitates in front of her.
"Seul —" she starts, and one of the staff comes between them then with a small black box in hand.
"Wendy-sshi, your earphones," she says, holding them out as Seungwan takes them with a startled blink.
“Thank you,” the redhead mumbles politely, putting them in swiftly and allowing the staff to help her with adjustments on her audio and her outfit.
The woman finishes up quickly enough, and immediately following her leave Seungwan is turning to her with a determined look, her lips parting and forming a question on the tip of her tongue. Then their names are called and the crowd screams for Red Velvet, and Seulgi's the first to go with a jittery “Hwaiting!" and a quick escape up the stairs to find her place onstage.
She spots Seungwan lingering there for a few seconds before following suit, but they both settle into their masks swiftly enough as the lights come on and the music starts, and they begin to perform their ballad as smoothly as they've practiced hundreds of times before. There’s not much opportunity afterwards for Seungwan to take her aside, since as soon as they finish up at the broadcasting station they're heading back to the dorm to sleep off their fatigue for tomorrow's schedule. Even during quieter moments between it all Seungwan's attention is drawn elsewhere, and for once Seulgi’s thankful for Joohyun’s innate ability to catch and hold the main vocalist's focus so it’s not trained so sharply on Seulgi’s face half the time.
Then comes the next day, and as suddenly as it starts, it stops.
Things seemingly go back to normal. Seungwan stops alternating between trying to corner her or run away from her, and Seulgi stops running, altogether. They talk to each other normally, tease each other normally, and interact with one another normally, so after the first few days of it Seulgi finds herself waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it does; albeit too gradual for her to notice, at first.
There are group pictorials and interviews for different magazines, and these things usually involve Seungwan joining her in answering most of the questions, as per their unofficial roles in the group. She’s not sure which one it is, but as soon as they gather for their group interview she feels thrown slightly off-kilter. It makes itself known when she consciously has to adjust her posture, straightening herself from leaning too much to her right as she searches for the usual weight that’s supposed to be balance it. Except Seungwan stands all the way on the other side of the group, huddled up to Sooyoung with her head propped against the side of the girl's arm, since it doesn't quite reach her shoulder. Seulgi feels like she should shuffle over and squeeze in between them to offer hers instead, but then the lady interviewing them turns to her with a question on her lips that has all the others looking at her expectantly.
Minus Seungwan. Seungwan just sort of blinks at something just past her; staring a lot like how Joohyun does when she’s spacing out.
“We couldn’t believe it because we haven’t actually performed a lot in army bases,” she says in response to question regarding their popularity with soldiers, her smile equal parts bright and bashful as the woman moves onto the next question. It’s hard to keep up with the rest of the interview after that, because the sound of Seungwan’s voice is as distracting as the fact that she refuses to look Seulgi in the eyes.
It’s only after that and the first agonising week of awkwardness that she decides to act, only to find that the universe has something else up its sleeve for her instead, on the night that their 'Descendants of The Sun’ cameo airs. The atmosphere in the dorm is as bright as ever, dulled to a low buzz of excitement only after Yerim is sent to bed and Sooyoung starts a lengthy call to her parents asking what they thought of it. Seulgi leaves the latter in the main room with Joohyun as the eldest continues idly surfing the channels, pondering on a certain redhead’s whereabouts as she lounges for some minutes before makes her way to her and Sooyoung’s shared room.
Except as Seulgi enters, she almost stumbles back in shock. Because when she steps in Seungwan is there, crying on her bed. The tiny figure resting on her mattress hits her first, curled atop of her bedsheets like the picture of a lost child. A muffled sob and quiet sniff gives her away before she can notice the older girl closing the door behind her, the both of them flinching as it clicks shut and she moves closer, approaching as if she were with some vulnerable animal ready to run at a moment's notice.
"S-Sorry," is the first thing Seungwan says, rising up quickly only to be gently pushed back down as Seulgi takes a seat beside her.
The brunette hesitates at the tear tracks running down her cheeks, and goes to reach round and hand her the box of tissues on the Sooyoung’s bedside table. "Seungwan," she starts quietly, carefully. "What's wrong?"
There's a lull where Seungwan wipes her nose and dabs a tissue at her eyes, swallowing heavily before attempting to begin explaining herself. "I —“ She doesn't get far before she's halting and backtracking again, shaking her head and avoiding meeting her gaze as the dancer waits patiently. "Sorry. I’m sorry. I was going to talk to you, but I couldn't stop thinking about —" Her hands clench tightly into the material of her skirt, and Seulgi just about stops herself from covering them with her own. "I don't want to think about you hating me for it, or just —"
"Seungwan, calm down,” she rushes then, soft and panicked at the shaken state of her best friend as she lets her hand rest on the girl's upper arm and squeeze gently. "Breathe," Seulgi murmurs, forgetting her previous fears and insecurities about the girl in front of her when she looks near-hysterical in her plight. “Now, why are you crying on my bed?"
She lets her fingers slip away from Seungwan’s skin as she feels the girl relax under her touch, watching as she slumps forward and draw her arms in around herself in a manner largely uncharacteristic of her. “I was overthinking again,” she says eventually. “I thought you were trying to avoid me because of —“ she swallows thickly, seeming to lean further away. "Because of me.” Seulgi holds her breath silently, suddenly less afraid for herself and her secrets in light of Seungwan’s own terror of revealing her own out loud. "I don't know what to do. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you, and —"
She cuts herself off, but the tense line of her shoulders is telling as they rise and steel themselves for a blow — a verbal beheading at the hands of her best friend, in light of seeing a part of herself she never sought to show. She understands all too well, and the understanding makes itself known at the same time Seungwan sees it in her expression, so when Seulgi continues to stare she’s letting out a sigh, deflating and pulling her hands into her lap dejectedly as she avoids her eyes.
“You knew," she whispers, finally. “…About me. You know."
“That you like Joohyun.” The wince it elicits is enough of an affirmation, and Seulgi nudges her lightly when she tries to look away and hide her shame. "I do," she says, her eyes locked on Seungwan's all the while. "And it's okay. You don't need to apologise."
The tears seem to freeze with the shock that pulls at her features. “Seulgi…"
“It’s okay,” the brunette says firmly, nudging her shoulder playfully in an attempt to draw a smile from the girl. “Why do you think you need to apologise?"
“Because I'm…It’s…" Her eyebrows pull down, her eyes closing briefly as her lips press together before parting with a shaky exhale.
She looks beautiful in a melancholic sort of light, and Seulgi suddenly wants to kiss her.
“It’s not normal."
The taller one immediately reaches up to smooth out the crease in her brow, shaking her head. "Not in Korea, no,” she admits, her smile bitter and knowing to no-one but herself. "But that's okay. It doesn't make you any less normal. Even though you're a little above normal, as far as talent goes.” Not to mention within the realms of kindness and beauty.
The shorter girl sniffs, watches her for a single, long moment before ducking her head. “I’m sorry,” Seungwan mumbles again, grabbing another tissue from the proffered box.
“Don’t.” Seulgi brushes her fringe to the side, lets her hand drop back to her side before it lingers too long. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t apologise for things you can’t control."
I know I’m not sorry for feeling like this for you.
“But I…"
"You apologise too much," she interjects sternly, before shooting her a playful grin. "Cut down on it, will you?"
Seungwan manages to reply after a moment with a watery smile. “I'll try my best."
Seulgi returns one back at her, steady and strong and warm as ever. “Good," she says softly. "That’s good enough for me."
The tranquil lapse in conversation then is comforting, and reminiscent of whenever they’d hang out alone at the dorm together — the jobless duo with nothing but each other and sappy movies to watch while waiting for their other members to return from their solo activities. Hours seem to pass until Seungwan shifts in place, chuckling lowly at herself as she reaches up to rub at the column of her neck. "I'm gonna get a runny nose and a sore throat at this rate…” she mutters, sniffing loudly for good measure as she makes a face.
"Gross," Seulgi laughs, wiping at her nose with a tissue before grabbing another one and clearing the last of the tears from her cheeks. "You're lucky I'm not Sooyoung, or I'd be taking a video right now."
"You wouldn’t." Seungwan fakes a warning glare, and when Seulgi sticks a tongue out at her in response it dissolves into a giggle and a warm look. "Thanks, by the way."
Seulgi ignores the swell of something that spreads somewhere in the vicinity of her chest, and instead touches another tissue carefully at the liquid salt in her companion’s stare. “What, for not taking a video?”
Seungwan tries for an unamused expression that comes out as more of pout, and the brunette laughs heartily as she prods her forehead with a pinky.
“It’s no problem,” she laughs. "There’s no need to thank me for something like that."
A fidget of her hands, and a quirk of her lips. “I think you should be thanked, anyway."
The smile that curls at Seulgi’s mouth is tender in return. “If you really want to, then,” she says airily, leaning back on her hands to observe her fellow vocalist quietly. It’s still as they sit there for a while longer, simply breathing and being — relaxing in one another’s presence in a way she's missed for a while, now. The problem is that they’re doing nothing and it still feels too intimate for her Seungwan-addled mind, so Seulgi stands and brushes nonexistent lint from her jeans as she turns to address her. “Wait here a little. I'll go get some tea for you."
It earns her a surprised look as her same-aged friend sits up. "Seulgi, wait.” She’s barely taking a step towards the door as Seungwan reaches out to graze her hand, curling her fingers around her wrist carefully, hesitantly. It's a butterfly’s touch and a vice grip, all at the same time.
"I…” Seungwan, bless her soul, remains as oblivious as ever to the turmoil that twists in her gut and pulls at the walls of her heart with the simple action. Simple, yet so effective in getting her to do just about anything. "Thank you. For being here for me."
She feels a familiar sensation forming where Seungwan holds her, and draws away as gently as possible while flashing her a smile. “Anytime, Seungwan,” comes her murmur, ready to dart out of the door when she’s stopped again, but not by a cool, snow-white hand.
“I’m sorry for being a burden,” comes the low rushed proclamation from behind her, and Seulgi falters once again.
“What?” Her eyebrows knit together once more as she turns back to her. “Seungwan-ah, you’re not —“ A broken pause as she shakes her head. "Where did you get that idea?"
Seungwan doesn’t look up, her fingers clutching tight at her sweater. Seulgi considers offering her hand back for her to hold onto, instead. “…Aren’t you tired of me coming to you all the time?"
Something about the way she says it is heartbreaking, and Seulgi inhales as her willpower begins crumbling into pieces all over again. It certainly doesn’t help that Seungwan’s not at fault for any this, since Seulgi’s the one crushing on her in the first place; with no safety net for the inevitable fall and no excuses to offer lest she ever find out. And honestly, how do you tell your best friend you’re falling for them?
(How do you tell them it's already happened?)
In the end Seungwan will just be apologising for something she wouldn't understand anyway, and the uncomfortable pit in Seulgi’s stomach manifests itself as the beginnings of guilt eating away at her resolve. So much for trying to keep your distance, she chides herself as she crosses the floor between them, back to Seungwan. As if she could keep away in the first place. The very thought is laughable, at this point.
“No, no,” she coos, kneeling down to reach out and clasp her hands around the redhead's gently. “Wan-ah, I could never…“ Seulgi swallows, suddenly unable to break the filter she’s forced herself into as she dips her head to meet the singer's eyes. “I’m not tired of being here for you,” she asserts, chucking her under the chin with the strongest smile she can muster. "I'll stay here. I said so already, remember? You can lean on me."
“But…” A pink tongue swipes nervously on chapped lips, and Seulgi diverts her attention to someplace safer. Seriously, since when did Seungwan pick up her lip- habit?
Her eyes quickly settle on the wall to her right, because walls are safe. Walls aren't infuriatingly adorable and attractive and inexpliably confounding, all at the same time. “Isn’t it my fault you seem more exhausted than usual?” Seungwan mumbles, and the irony strikes a long moment later as Seulgi struggles to keep herself from blurting that it’s simultaneously true and not — that Seungwan perpetuates her sleep as much as she keeps it from her.
She almost sighs again; stopping only for the fact that now it just it feels like trying to do so while lying under a low-rise truck.
“It’s not your fault,” she breathes, but Seungwan’s neither blind, nor deaf. She knows the words are as weak as they sound, because her features fall at the waver in Seulgi's gaze, dimming down as she shrinks in on herself. There’s a small pause, and a low exhale. The gnawing guilt claws its way through her stomach that much more.
“Why do you keep looking at me as if it is, then?"
The terse words that spill from her best friend's lips are almost as pleading as they are accusing, settling as a silence that wedges itself uncomfortably into the wordless maw between them; pulled taut like an elastic band ready to snap. Seungwan is the one who looks away this time, staring down at the floor for a moment before inhaling deeply and meeting her gaze again in search of…something. What that ‘something' is or could be, Seulgi has no clue. She sees the lost look in Seungwan’s eyes though, and supposes they’re both just as tired of running in circles as the other.
But God, what is she supposed to say?
I’m sorry for being like this.
(I don’t know what to do.)
I’m sorry for making you feel this way.
“I don’t know,” she murmurs in the end, running a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry if it came off that way. I promise it’s not you."
The hands held so carefully in hers squeeze back lightly, feeling warmer in Seulgi’s grasp. “Then what is it?” her companion murmurs, sounding much too fragile for Seulgi to even contemplate telling her the truth. The truth can’t help anything. Not here. Not now.
“Seungwan.” The redhead looks up at her expectantly, and Seulgi holds her eyes for a moment; thinks that maybe if she looks hard enough, she might find something to dethrone the growing pessimist in her. Maybe if she looks hard enough, she might see the way she looks at Seungwan being reflected right back at her.
Simple, wishful thinking.
(Foolish.)
Evidently, she finds nothing but hurt swirled in amongst fear and trepidation and a perplexing swirl of warmth and affection, and Seulgi feels more lost now than ever. A heavy exhale leaves her lips, and a dropped gaze follows on with her next words.
“Am I a good friend to you?”
It’s noiseless in the dorm all of a sudden as the question seems to catch her off guard, but Seungwan recovers smoothly with wide, earnest eyes when she turns her hands over to hold Seulgi's firmly.
“Yes,” she answers quickly, bewildered but genuine. “You are. You’re my best friend. And you take care of me well."
The sincerity rings true in the heat of her stare, but Seulgi's not sure if that's what she wanted to hear. She’s certain that what she would prefer to hear isn’t something that would entail ‘just friends’, but reality is cold and cruel and she’s still the same hopeless romantic that she’s always been. Besides, she’s just been told that she takes care of Seungwan well. That has to count for something, because it's as good as she's ever going to get.
“Okay." She drums a finger lightly on the inside of the other girl's wrist. One tap, two taps — three. Even Seungwan’s little intricacies have found a way under her skin.
(Too deep. She’s in too deep.)
Four taps, five taps. Six, seven, eight.
Stop.
"That’s okay, then."
The confusion is tangible when Seulgi lets her go, rising to her feet gracefully and ignoring the pain in her knees from crouching too long. Seungwan peers up at her, and an ache similar to the one in her legs settles across her chest at the concern written so plainly in those dark cinnamon irises.
“You should talk more too,” the slightly younger one says meaningfully — a clear indication that this conversation is nowhere near dropped yet. It sounds like a "You can talk to me”, and Seulgi’s not ready for that. Not if it’s anything like the potential scenarios in her head any time she so much as thinks of making a confession. Truthfully, she doesn’t think she'll ever be ready. Not for that.
Seulgi nods after a long beat, not trusting herself to speak when Seungwan is looking up at her the way she is. She cares too much. She always cares too much. It shows in her stare and the line of her lips as she presses them together, and Seulgi wants to kiss her; tell her not to worry about her even though it’s like attempting to breathe underwater whenever she so much as looks her way.
But Seungwan remains oblivious to it all, and nothing good will come from making it otherwise. So Seulgi starts towards the door again, turning the handle with the goal of ending their conversation for retrieving tea as the bed creaks behind her.
“You keep to yourself a lot," the smaller girl is saying as she opens it, and Seulgi glances back to see her eyeing Seulgi with worry. She should be used to it by now — the conflicted looks and pursed lips. It doesn’t stop her from staring back with open caution, because it almost looks like longing painted so delicately on Seungwan’s soft features. Almost.
In the end she knows better than to indulge in her imagination, regardless of what countless dramas have told her. The rational line of reasoning in her conscience wins over this time, despite the way an incessant voice in her head screams to just tell her. Tell her.
“It's a bad habit," Seulgi mutters over the white noise in her head, and doesn't stay to watch the line thinning on Seungwan's lips. It isn’t liberating in the way she expects it to be, to walk out on your crush in order to get over your feelings.
(Of course something like this would backfire on her. She should have known better, that there’s no point to it.
There's no point in trying.)
She pulls it together by the time she finds their leader making her own cup of tea in the kitchen with Sooyoung still chatting in the background, and thus she elects to steal the perfect opportunity to help her best friend’s love life, as best friends should. Before she knows it she’s taking an Olaf mug from the cupboard and making Seungwan’s usual herbal brew (chamomile, a tiny sprinkle of sugar, a finger of cool water to balance out the heat, don’t forget a teaspoon just in case), before practically shoving it into Joohyun’s hands and hauling her away under the excuse that she doesn’t know how to deal with crying people and that Seungwan asked specifically for Joohyun. It all earns her a weird look from the older girl — who’s a human lie detector, really — but she complies anyway at the mention of Seungwan’s 'uncontrollable Niagara Falls-worth of tears'.
Said girl almost trips over herself standing up as they burst through the door of the bedroom, and the tallest of them allows herself to smile a little when her older friend instantly hurries to Seungwan’s side with the tea in hand, rattling off questions like the coddling mother she always denies herself of being. It’s difficult to dwell on even trying to match her competition when it’s Joohyun; who’s a beautiful but reserved guardian of a best friend and an older sister that she always wished she had as a child.
As it is the protective side of her is almost nauseating to watch, and with her job done, Seulgi nods to herself and takes her leave with the sound of Joohyun’s fussing and Seungwan’s weak protests behind her. There’s nothing more that can be done; nothing more for her to do except probably take a walk to clear her mind. Lucky that she's got her jacket and cap hanging near the front door already, since she'd rather not stay in her room any longer.
As she leaves it feels as if Seungwan's eyes are lingering on her retreating back, but the idea is quelled swiftly as she shuts the door behind her. There’s nothing to gain from trying to fool herself anymore, because it hurts.
It hurts.
…Well, this has gotten way angstier than intended. Maybe I should add the angst tag to this, after all. Or maybe I should write fluff.
I didn’t fully realise how careful I had to be with the story until this particular chapter. I had to do some research to put the mentioned real-life events in chronological order, as well as finding translations for some bits and pieces. The joys of writing for the canon idolverse. Any guesses on which specific events I used?
This is officially on hiatus until further notice! I'm sorry it took this long to make a statement, but after forcing myself to write and hating each and every word, I want to try and focus on other stuff for now. This will be finished, one day.
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