avoidance tactics
force of habitBit of a wait. Thanks for sticking with it so far, you cute little shippers, you. Prepare for some obvious divergence.
(Edit: stuck in some sentences to cover up the half-finished ones from an early draft.)
If Seulgi were asked to name the one thing she hated most about Wendy, it would be the fact that she's selfless to the point of being self-sacrificing.
(If she were asked to name one of the things that she loved most about Seungwan, it would still be the same.)
It's almost as if she truly is a saint at times. Dropping almost anything in order to help someone else in need — more often than not, her members — and offering herself as a pillar of support whenever the situation calls for it. And while Seulgi knows by now that the superheroes depicted in movies aren't real, there are such things as heroes without any particular powers; and Seungwan's one of them.
Though on some occasions, she finds herself wondering if Seungwan really does possess some sort of magic in her that gives her so much warmth despite the chill of her hands. A part of Seulgi thinks that the ability to make the girl go to sleep would be her own superpower, in that case.
It becomes more apparent once Seungwan tells her about how she’s been weaning herself off of sleeping pills almost completely, and paired with the increasing frequency of her late night journeys to the human teddy bear's bed, there's little room for the older one to think otherwise.
Which is why she panics the first night following the main vocalist's indirectly spoken coming-out.
What if Seungwan thinks that it's weird for them to sleep beside each other when Seulgi knows about her crush on Joohyun? Or even worse, what if she thinks that Seulgi doesn't want her there simply because of the idea of her liking girls?
But six nights later it turns out that the confrontation hasn't made much of a difference, since the tiny redhead invites herself under Seulgi's covers again as if nothing ever happened. It seems that even the tense conversation over Seulgi's own troubles have been set aside, for now.
"Do you want to swap beds?" The dancer manages to mutter playfully, not bothering to open her eyes as she welcomes the cool presence that settles behind her. There's a hum as Seungwan makes herself comfortable, her cold feet brushing Seulgi's legs in a way that's too familiar now for her to jolt away at the feeling.
"But it's not the bed that I'm here for," Seungwan jests back, oblivious to the burning of the brunette's cheeks as she bites her lip and shuts her eyes.
“Of course," she drawls, her voice straining only slightly. "Should I save you the trip and visit you in your bed next time, then?"
The smaller girl makes a noise of agreement. "Well, mine is comfier. Plus your mattress is quite stiff."
"Then you don't need to sleep on it."
"Stingy." A poorly stifled giggle muffles itself against her shoulder as her skin flares with heat at the touch. “Do you want to come join me in my bed, then?"
Seulgi wonders if the rest of her body is burning as much as her face is at this point, and she buries her head into her pillow with a small groan.
"Hey," Seungwan prods her, sounding far too awake for two AM. "You could have just said 'no' politely instead of making that noise."
"Whatever, Wan-ah."
"I can see how rude you get when you're tired," she remarks, and Seulgi just lets out another little groan.
"Go to sleep, Wan-ah," she says this time, and her fellow 94-liner does so, but not before grinning into Seulgi's shoulder like the over energetic hamster-woman-child that she is.
(And God, she makes it so difficult not to just turn around and cuddle her until the end of time.)
The best and worst part of it all is the way Seungwan winds her arm around her waist without prompting, settling carefully across her stomach and only relaxing once she sighs and covers her companion's icy hands with warm fingers on her skin.
Joohyun finds them like that early in the morning before Seungwan has a chance to retreat back to her room, and it's Seulgi who's the first to wake up at the sound of a light chuckle that comes from the doorway.
"You ditched Yerim and I for the teddy bear then, Seungwan?"
The Canadian wakes up at the sound of her voice, practically leaping away from the girl beside her as she sits up and runs a hand through her mussed hair with wide chocolate eyes.
Their leader simply laughs at her expression, and Seulgi bites her lip. Seungwan looks as if she's just been caught cheating, which is probably what it seems like in her own frame of mind. She just got caught sharing a bed with her best friend, after all — and by her crush, no less.
"Guys, please take your noisiness elsewhere," Sooyoung grumbles, the top of her head barely poking out from beneath her sheets as she curls up closer to the wall. "I need my beauty sleep…"
“You call this noisy?" Joohyun retorts playfully, striding over to rifle through the younger girl's drawers. “Oh, and I'm borrowing your purple nail polish for now, okay?"
A groan that sounds faintly like consent sounds from the girl, and Joohyun starts towards the door again before pausing and looking back at the pair still sitting awkwardly in Seulgi’s covers.
"You guys coming for breakfast?” she asks with a quirk of her lips and an arch of her brow, and Seulgi attempts to battle her grogginess in order to form an answer.
"Uh —"
"Of course!" Seungwan practically leaps up, almost taking Seulgi with her as she gets her foot caught slightly in the duvet. She manages not to trip over like Seulgi probably would in her position, and meets Joohyun’s amused expression with a grin. "I'll help too, unnie."
"Thanks, Seungwan-ah,” the eldest giggles, before turning to address their dancer. "Seul?"
Something about the way Seungwan looks back at her with that ‘Joohyun’ grin on her lips keeps her in her seat, pulling her duvet into her lap as she feigns a yawn. "Maybe later,” she replies, lying back down on her mattress with a sigh.
“Sleepyhead,” she hears Seungwan mumbling affectionately as the two of them leave, and she lets herself smile at the sound before shutting her eyes. She tries to live up to her nickname, but sleep doesn't come to her as easily as it did the night before, and she focuses on breathing and counting sheep in her head to block out the bright laughter and warm conversation drifting in from the other side of the dorm.
It's hard, though. Despite the fact that Seungwan’s the one who crawled into her bed last night, there's still the seed of doubt that starts to take root. It thrives in the absence of her best friend's usual attentiveness; the endearing, almost overly-friendly gestures remaining constant only in the darkness and the sanctuary of her tangerine bedsheets.
(Days later, Seulgi still has no idea what to think or how to feel about that. It feels clandestine in a way it shouldn't, like a convoluted mystery novel masquerading as a tragic romantic read.)
Moreover, to someone seeing them around each other now it would seem almost as if they had grown apart. Not by a lot, but enough to create a small rift — a potential space that can either widen or close depending on how they choose to step forward from here.
Surely it's not just her imagination either, as Seungwan's become less clingy to her in recent months anyway and Seulgi isn't sure if she should yearn for the familiar showers of affection or be relieved in their absence. It’s leaning towards the former with the days that pass, since there’s a heavy feeling in her gut that tells her the gap's only going to grow until one of them tries to build a bridge.
It probably has something to do with that talk last week, is all she can think when Seungwan brushes past her yet again.
(It has everything to do with it.)
The irony in it is how it makes her reminisce their first few months of friendship, after Seulgi decided to get over her uncharacteristic envy and befriend the new vocalist trainee at the first given chance. Seungwan had been all too friendly in return — especially considering how they actually befriended one another in the first place.
She wasn't as hesitant as she is with people nowadays. She was animated, bright. As much of a blinding star of a person as she was bound to become, regardless of Cube or SM or any other company that could easily take her or drop her to shine on her own. Seulgi always knew there was a reason why she got that particular part in ‘Happiness’ — aside from the obvious factor of her being the main vocalist, of course, but that’s beside the point. Regardless, the difference between the bold Seungwan back then and the restrained one now is stark, and all too noticeable in how little she clings to Seulgi nowadays. Her shoulder really just feels colder than ever.
Perhaps it’s a good thing though, because she remembers having heard it said back then that the right shoulder represents the right way. The side of the angel, and all the goodwill it stands for.
Seungwan had always been aiming for the left shoulder, as if sending her some subliminal message.
The devil on your left shoulder — temptation.
It's funny, really. Seungwan's the complete opposite of a devil. Even so, she should probably be more worried at this point, but she can’t find it in herself to care about things like uality and a nation that still condemns such things in the twenty-first century. Even though seven years of tears, sweat and occasional blood should really be the easy option here, especially when compared to the equivalent of a schoolgirl crush on a fellow group member.
Then she thinks of Seungwan, and she cares less every time she looks at her. And she looks at her a lot. Mostly when Seungwan isn't looking, and sometimes when she is. And a lot of the time, when Seungwan's looking at Joohyun. Which is a given, so there’s nothing she can do about it except turn away once it gets too much.
But it doesn't matter at the end of the day, because it's Seulgi who drags her outside for their usual city-wandering dates, visiting spas and cafes and various other stores and doing the odd grocery run in between. It's Seulgi who picks up her weird but efficient method of handling money through collecting receipts. It's Seulgi who she comes to about the latest netizen article which the dancer tells her time and again to ignore, and it's Seulgi who makes sure she doesn't skip dinner over some insensitive comments from ignorant people who can't see how beautiful Seungwan is. They're enough to stir the beginnings of a long-buried anger in her, and when her self-cultivated mien comes crumbling down so easily, she knows when to take a step back. Nothing good ever comes from taking off a mask after years spent building it up.
Seungwan has always seemed to be able to see the vexation in her somehow, visibly doing her best to hold back tears and sullen frowns in order to project a smile or two. "Sorry," she would proceed to mumble eventually, fingers curling around a mug of tea that the older girl would prepare for her each time. Chamomile, just how she always likes it made.
Seulgi would shake her head and hide herself under a grin. "What are friends for?" she would say according to the script, like the masochist that she is. The pain of it is worth seeing Seungwan's smile though — even if it feels like trying to speak with glass shards trapped in , lodging themselves deeper into her flesh with every warm hug and equally warm look from the girl.
Sometimes she wishes she could tell her.
And sometimes she wishes she never even met Seungwan. Never watched her sing her heart out, never befriended her, never helped her learn to dance, never saw her beauty, never debuted with her, never fallen like this —
And yet, she knows she wouldn't change a thing even if she could, and not just because of Seungwan, either. Red Velvet practically sits on the same tier as her real family now, similar even in having the one overly perceptive member who never fails to spot the slightest of changes between people; with her family’s being her eldest cousin.
And in Red Velvet’s case: Park Sooyoung.
They watch 'Frozen' for the umpteenth time due to Sooyoung’s insistence, calling upon her power of being the sick patient in the dorm whose needs must be attended to by everyone sans Yerim, because Yerim is evil. Seulgi has a permanent giant ketchup stain on her favourite pillowcase as proof.
(It took a while to convince Seungwan that she didn't start spontaneously spurting blood from her nose or mouth in her sleep. Mostly because she was sporting a nosebleed from walking into the bunk bed just before the main vocalist came in, which wasn't the best sight for the poor girl at the time.
Seulgi likes to think she would have caught her in some sort of heroic fashion if she really did decide to faint at the scene.)
The thing about watching Disney movies is that pretty much all of them turn into a musical at some point, and when a bunch of idol group singers watch Disney movies, the dorm turns into an impromptu concert. It takes her mind off of other things at least, when she's dueting with Yerim or copying lines with Joohyun or avoiding the popcorn flicked at her head by Sooyoung.
She's getting better at it. Hiding. Not thinking.
Well, still thinking; but not too much.
'Conceal, don't feel', and all that.
The feeling is always there though, and the concealing is getting harder and harder to keep up even without Seungwan around. Namely since Sooyoung keeps catching her at the most inopportune times — such as when she’s talking to the redhead or even just glancing at her. Granted, Seulgi’s not very well-versed in the art of subtlety since this is her very first, very real crush, and the only times she’s managed to stop herself from openly shooting heart-eyes at Seungwan is when the youngest of their vocal line is staring at her.
Like now, when they’re getting ready to sleep following a noisy end to their movie night, wherein Joohyun had to haul Yerim to bed in order to keep her from waking the neighbours with her sugar high-induced singing. Sooyoung is sitting soundly atop her covers when Seulgi returns from the bathroom with her pyjamas on and her hair still wet from the shower, stopping at the dressing table to blow dry her hair without a word. She feels her staring once or twice, but every time she looks over Sooyoung is reading a book of some kind, and the awkward silence in the room prevails for at least ten minutes until she goes to leave again to brush her teeth.
"Unnie, wait."
Seulgi pauses mid-stride, a peculiar feeling of dread developing in the pit of her stomach at Sooyoung's rare use of more formal address. The younger one sits rigidly, her tone even and giving nothing away as she sets her novel aside.
“I want to ask you something."
The trepidation settles into her limbs as she subconsciously begins trying to move away again. "Sooyoung —"
"Unnie," she says a little more urgently this time as she pats the space beside her. "Please. I just want to have a talk."
Something in the way she asks so earnestly is persuasive enough for Seulgi to oblige, in a deep breath as she walks over and joins the girl on her bed. ‘A talk’ ends up being more of a one-sided staring contest on Sooyoung's part, because neither one of them is willing to break the barrier when Seulgi’s pretty sure what it would entail.
Eventually Sooyoung does break it though, and it’s about as tense a start as the conversation she had with Seungwan not even a fortnight before. "You know I admire you, right?” she begins, and Seulgi gulps.
"Right." The nerves rise in an instant at her words, and she moves to get up with an apologetic smile. "Listen, Sooyoung —"
The younger vocalist shakes her head, reaching out to stop her. "Let me finish," she says almost pleadingly, and Seulgi bites her lip, but stays seated. "I admire you, but you're also my unnie and my friend. Not just my teammate, or roommate, even. So you can tell me things.” She takes a deep breath, and Seulgi finds herself copying her.
There's no escaping it now, is there?
"We can be honest with each other and listen to one another. No matter what."
“…Yes," she manages to agree, nodding slowly. "Of course."
Sooyoung seems as hesitant as Seulgi feels when she copies her movement, except she's always been bolder with her words. Honest to a fault, much like Joohyun. It's evident in the way the younger of the two shifts afterwards, meeting her anxious gaze with resolute strength before breathing out.
“So…you like Joohyun-unnie."
A beat. Then:
“…Pardon?"
Sooyoung blinks at the incredulous look that Seulgi gives her. “It’s Joohyun-unnie, right?” she frowns, then lowers her voice with uncertainty. “You…have a crush on Joohyun-unnie…?"
The very idea would have her laughing at the situation, if not for the fact that Sooyoung was bold enough to insinuate that she would even like a girl in that way and be so forthcoming about it. There’s also the fact that she’s been keeping an eye on her enough to see the signs in the first place — as inaccurate as the conclusion is — and the idea that others might be able to see it too is nothing short of worrying.
“I — No way,” she manages to splutter amidst the shock as Sooyoung gapes at her. “No, she’s my friend. Practically my sister.” The gape turns into a squinted look, to which she sighs and manages a small smile. “Seriously,” she affirms. “I don’t like her in that way, and I probably never will.” Which is true, because while Joohyun’s gorgeous and sweet and all too endearing in her own little ways, she’s not Seungwan.
“But the way you keep staring at her when she’s hanging out with Wan-unnie…“ Sooyoung shakes her head in disbelief. “I don’t get it. It would have made sense."
“Just because I was staring at them in whatever way you thought, doesn’t mean I like Joohyun in that way,” Seulgi says as evenly as possible, hoping to end the conversation lest any other secrets reveal themselves.
(Of course, she thought so too soon.)
“Well it would explain the weird looks you keep giving them,” Sooyoung mutters back adamantly, before her expression falls into a silent gasp. “Wait, unless…?” Seulgi blanches, and it’s telling enough. “Oh my God,” she breathes. “Then…Seungwan-unnie?"
Her eyebrows are raised curiously, but Sooyoung's question sounds more like a statement this time — one of unarguable truth — and Seulgi can only look away at the walls. Words fail her despite the buzz of excuses and denials that climb their way up ; clogging her breath and drawing her eyes to the threads of material in Sooyoung’s bed. "I…"
The room is quiet for a moment, until one of them shifts. "I'll take that as a yes," Sooyoung concludes with a nod, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing it gently. The gesture is small, typical of the former maknae, and yet it's filled with a comforting warmth that always seems to radiate from her — like the reliable strength of an older sister, as strange as it sounds.
Then again, it's not that strange when Sooyoung is used to being the eldest child of four, compared to Seulgi being the baby of almost her entire family, extended members included. It makes sense then that the twenty-two year old feels like she's divulging secrets with a senior, fiddling with her hands and pressing her lips together out of nervous habit.
“Okay,” Sooyoung nods to herself and leans back against the wall. “That…actually makes a whole lot more sense."
The older girl glances at her curiously. “What do you mean…?"
“I mean it makes more sense than you having a thing for Joohyun," she replies with a shrug, crossing her legs Indian style and placing her pillow on her lap. “I guess I should have listened to Yerim."
A flash of alarm jolts in Seulgi's chest and settles in her eyes, blinking wide and apprehensive at the mention of their youngest member. "Yerim?"
Sooyoung gives another shrug, a small smile — more of a smirk, really — turning at her lips as she picks at her duvet. "Well, I say that," she chuckles, sounding all too proud of her trusty cohort. "She just mentioned how cute you and Wan-unnie would be as a couple, since you act like it sometimes. And it makes sense."
The pieces fall into place readily at her explanation, and Seulgi exhales a quiet, "Oh."
A nod. “Yeah. So…"
"So…?"
Sooyoung looks at her expectantly. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"P-Pardon?" Seulgi stammers, blinking rapidly at her as falls open.
The younger one snorts, leaning forward in her seat like a teenager vying for gossip. "You like Seungwan-unnie," she teases, ignoring the desperate look of warning sent her way because seriously, the dorm walls are about as thin as paper. “We don’t know if she likes you too, but I think so," Sooyoung adds pointedly when her roommate proceeds to squirm in place.
"She doesn't." A disbelieving look is cast her way at that, and Seulgi manages a smile through her blush. The years of practice have made it look a lot less bitter, but it's hollow and lacking her usual warmth nonetheless. "Trust me, Sooyoung. She doesn't."
The other vocalist scoffs. "What, and did you ask her?"
Seulgi splutters for a moment at the outrageous thought. "No way," she hisses. "I can't just ask her."
Sooyoung just grins and waggles her eyebrows. "Well, there are other ways of finding out."
"I'm not going to go with any plans you have in mind, Sooyoung."
Her face instantly falls into a scowl. "Fine, ignore my genius."
"I will, thank you."
Sooyoung scowls. "Come on," she whines. "If you won't play along then at least do it the easy way."
"Which would be…?"
"Telling her and finding out, duh."
"No,” Seulgi shakes her head, pulling her knees to her chest. “Why are you so intent on having me tell her?"
Sooyoung shoots her a withering look before straightening up, her eyebrows drawn sternly at the older girl as if she wasn't two years her junior. "Because," she starts, firm and sombre in her expression. "Otherwise you're going to keep finding reasons not to go for it, and in the end you'll just be miserable.” Her words hit hard at the pit of guilt and jealousy that have been gnawing at the reaches of her heart since all this first began. Sooyoung sees it, spotting the drop in her expression as she sighs and sits back against the wall. “I'm not going to just stand by and watch someone I look up to pine away like this."
Seulgi mirrors her position with a slight smile. “…You're a good person, Sooyoung."
"I am, aren't I?” she tilts her head to grin winningly at her before softening as she waves a finger admonishingly. "But seriously. You never know until you try."
She’s answered with another shake of the head, accompanied by a solemn smile. "Trying entails confessing, and confessing would probably lead to problems regardless of whether or not she actually likes me back.” Her eyes drift and fall to the fan mail kept in neat piles on her shelf. "We're idols."
"Idols in the same group," she offers, folding her legs over one another in a business-like manner. "PDA wouldn't be that much of a problem for you. And the world is moving forward. People are becoming more accepting."
A scoff. "I'll be sixty and living in the countryside by the time South Korea catches up with Western views."
"You don't know that," Sooyoung argues, but the resigned look in her eyes agrees that yes, it'll probably be true at this rate. "Besides, that's way in the future. Think about now."
Seulgi grimaces. "But what if 'now' ends with her turning me down?"
"Then you'll either get over it or become so heartbroken that you'll never be the same ever again, which might end with early retirement from idol life or something."
"That's encouraging. Really. Thank you, Happiness."
"Don't sass me, Blessing,” she grunts. "I'm trying to be as real with you as I can, here. No sugar-coating."
“And it's appreciated,” Seulgi murmurs reassuringly. "Don't worry."
"Yeah, well, if you want my serious real opinion, I think you're being unreasonably pessimistic,” Sooyoung huffs. "I mean, I'm not sure where you've been looking all this time, but anyone with eyes can see how much Wan-unnie cares about you. It could just as well be the same way that you care about her."
There's a note of conviction in her voice, and Seulgi dampens the spark of hope it ignites with a tight grip on the comforter beside her. “Even if she did, it wouldn’t be as much as —" She stops herself before she says something that's not hers to divulge, covering her slip-up swiftly with a small sigh. “It wouldn’t be to that extent."
If Sooyoung notices it she doesn't ask, instead choosing to badger her over her crush even further. "Come on, you guys are almost constantly all over each other,” she says encouragingly. "You're close, aren't you? There are probably things between you two that even we don't know about, as your fellow members."
Seulgi makes a face at that, because while it's true, it's kind of hard to think about their private moments when they’ve been quite few and far between, recently. “Well…” she leans forward and frowns in thought. “I mean, we sleep together sometimes —"
“You what?!” Sooyoung all but exclaims as Seulgi realises her mistake too late, facepalming herself as the younger girl tries to control her volume. “Since when were you guys —"
“Not like that!” Seulgi babbles, red faced and waving her arms frantically at the girl. “Stop thinking like that!"
"Sooyoung, stop corrupting the bear," Joohyun voice calls through the door as her footsteps pass by, and Sooyoung just about manages a devious laugh.
"Corrupt our Seulgi? Never!"
The leader opens it to pop her head around it a second later, and just gives her a deadpan stare before making a tired 'watching you' motion.
Sooyoung whips back around to face her as soon as she shuts the door again, her cheeks a tad bit pink but nowhere near as dark as Seulgi's current impression of a tomato.
“Well?" Sooyoung hits her with a pillow this time, and Seulgi winces as she fails to block it before it hits her face. "Explain yourself!"
Her hands drum and tap nervously on her leg as she struggles not to stumble over her words at the connotations behind her slip-up. “Seungwan sleeps in my bed sometimes," she mumbles. “At first she just started sneaking in when she thought I was asleep, but now it's kind of just become a…thing?"
Sooyoung gives her an exasperated look at the oh-so-articulate conclusion, but it quickly morphs into a narrowed gaze as she sets her fluffy weapon aside, for now. "So last week, when Joohyun-unnie came in to get nail polish…when you guys woke me up…?"
Seulgi flushes red. “Y-Yeah…"
"Jesus.” Her roommate puts a hand to her forehead with her jaw dropped disbelievingly, as if making the single most confounding discovery known to man. “Seriously, I thought you were the only slow one around here, but obviously something happened in 1994 that caused my unnies to be pretty but chronically blind."
"Thanks," Seulgi mutters, a pout forming on her lips as she picks at the pastel green duvet.
"I'm just stating the truth." Sooyoung smiles mischievously at her, but the soft crinkle of her eyes is honest and comforting, and Seulgi just shakes her head with a laugh.
“Sure," she replies flatly, and doesn't question Satan for being so accepting of all this in the first place because she's grateful nonetheless.
That is, until Sooyoung opens again.
“For the record though, I think you and Wan-unnie would make a cute couple."
"W-Wait —"
“Hamster-Bear couple forever!"
Minimal sleep and back-and-forth bickering fill the rest of the night with hushed fangirling on Sooyoung’s part, and nothing relieves Seulgi more than the fact that she's so supportive about the whole thing.
Of course, it doesn’t stop at that late night pestering. Whenever Seulgi starts worrying about being too obvious nowadays, Sooyoung’s there with a knowing smirk and an offhanded comment on her tongue — innocent to others but teasing to her as she stands in Seungwan’s vicinity. It instigates bemused looks from the girl most of the time, since Seulgi tends to go bright crimson with each remark and avoids her fretting enquiries with flustered excuses, bordering on outright denial of having any shade of red clouding her face at all. The constant chaffing continues into the next Friday, when Sooyoung stops only due to her primary target having no one to blush around.
The dorm is unusually quiet when Seungwan’s gone, too.
It’s not that she’s the noisiest of them all, because God knows that Sooyoung and her mini-demon cohort are the loudest troublemakers for miles. No; it’s mostly because she's not there to shut them up that they don't attempt to cause chaos in the first place. It's like some sort of reverse psychology, and as much as Seulgi appreciates the quiet, it's not worth the emptiness in the dorm in the absence of their appointed mother figure.
Their so-called 'hybrid parent' — as coined unusually by Yerim — shoulders the motherly duties as she normally does, making sure the dorm doesn't burst into flames as soon as Seungwan leaves for the airport. That, and somehow she becomes even more like a worried mother when Seungwan isn't there to worry for them. Which includes worrying about Seulgi too, apparently.
She's sitting at the kitchen counter, contemplating herself and reevaluating everything she's done in life for the third time that day when Joohyun sits across her all of a sudden with a mug of tea in hand. Then, when she doesn’t look up, she slides it over to her without a sound.
"What's wrong?" she asks softly after a moment, the beginnings of a frown dipping at her brow.
"Nothing," Seulgi answers automatically, garnering a dubious look from her older friend that turns into a searching stare when she remains silent. Eventually she relents though, and they both sit in tense quiet until Seulgi opens , closes it, and inhales. “Do you think I think too much?"
Joohyun seems to roll the question around in her head, pressing her lips together pensively before speaking. “Yes," comes her quiet reply. “Why do you ask?"
She shrugs as noncommittally as possible. “No reason."
The eldest looks at her for a moment, her stare heavy yet unimposing in a way that only Joohyun ever seems to be able to accomplish. She sighs eventually, crossing her legs over one another. “Do you think it's a bad thing?"
Seulgi eyes an old mark on the surface of the countertop, tracing around it absently with her finger. “Sometimes…” she says finally, sotto voce. "Yes."
Joohyun hums like she knows already. They've been friends for close to seven years, after all. They were the two best dancers out of all the female trainees, and so they stuck together like glue. Joohyun pats her hand like she used to when Seulgi was still adjusting to the skinship overload, and when the younger one bows her head there's the sound of the chair scraping across the floor. Footsteps pad over to her in the second, and Seulgi doesn't bother glancing up before she feels herself being pulled into a hug. The Daegu-born beauty has a sort of warmth about her that reminds her of her mother back in Ansan, and so she wraps her arms around her friend in response; almost smiling at the irony of it all when technically, this girl is also her rival in love. And sometimes she wishes to be her, too.
To be Joohyun is to be adored by Seungwan, after all. Truly a joke by the universe's hand, at her expense.
When they pull away Joohyun is ushering her to help prepare lunch, She must have seen the exhaustion in her eyes, because she isn't scolding and smacking Seulgi on her arm, settling only for light pats on the that serve as Joohyun's version of silent assurance. It works, because Seulgi is flinching away like she normally does, whining at the older girl for touching her in lieu of her usual victim being absent.
"But you and Seungwan both have such cute butts!" Joohyun defends herself with a hearty laugh, making a point of poking her rear again before shooing her away from the stove after she finishes chopping the carrots. "Now go wait with Sooyoung, before you accidentally set fire to our food."
Seulgi sticks her tongue out at her and narrowly dodges a flying cabbage half on her way out, making a beeline to the sofa in case she has to take cover again. Sooyoung gives her an unamused look when she accidentally sits on her legs in her haste, and just as she gets comfortable on the seat the pocket of her jeans buzzes with a familiar ringtone.
The device is whipped out in a flash and the token charismatic member ignores the smirk of her younger companion, almost dropping it in her haste to answer the call with a breathless, "Hello?"
"Hey, you," Seungwan greets softer than usual, and Seulgi notes the dry quality of her voice with a frown.
“Hey, what's up?” She shifts in her place on the sofa, turning the volume of the television down and ignoring Sooyoung’s mumbled protest beside her. "Did something happen?"
"We were just a little delayed.” Seungwan clears and some of the hoarseness is gone, but only a little. Seulgi bites her lip, pulls a cushion onto her lap. "Got through check in and everything three hours ago, but the plane's only just arrived half an hour before."
“And have you eaten yet?"
"Yeah. How're you doing? Have you or the maknaes burned down the dorm yet?"
"No," Seulgi chuckles, glancing at the second maknae in question as she sings softly to an ad on the TV at the other end of the sofa. "But that's only because unnie decided just to let me help prepare the ingredients today. No actual cooking. Not without your master chef supervision, at least."
Seungwan giggles softly. "Sounds like you guys miss me a lot."
"I do," she immediately replies, before she collects herself and amends, "We do.” Seungwan still isn’t responding, and it's a reminder for her to continue slowly, carefully. "Make sure to drink lots of water, okay? You can probably grab some tea or something."
Seungwan’s voice comes back a little brighter, a little more ‘Wendy’ this time. "Hey, I thought I was the mom of the group."
"You are,” Seulgi agrees lightly. "But you're always taking care of other people. You should take care of yourself, too."
(You should be taken care of, too.)
“Noted, unnie,” Seungwan finally says, a hint of laughter in her tone that has Seulgi smiling softly.
“Well, this unnie says stop biting your thumb, because it’ll leave a mark," she retorts playfully, and Seungwan doesn’t answer for a moment.
“How did you —?” A pause, and she can practically see the girl shaking her head with a slight smile. “I’ll stop when you stop biting your lip.”
“Bad habits for both of us,” Seulgi concurs, sliding down a little in her seat.
“Hey, is that Seungwan-unnie?” Yerim’s suddenly bouncing out of her bedroom with her phone in hand, leaping onto the sofa beside Seulgi and narrowly missing Sooyoung’s legs as she pulls them out of the way. “Guys, Seulgi's talking to Seungwan and she didn't tell us!"
Sooyoung groans, but doesn't move to get up. "Quit hogging her will you, Care Bear?"
"Seungwan," Joohyun greets, coming out of nowhere to lean over the headrest of the sofa, beside Seulgi's shoulder. "How is everything going?"
"Just fine," she chirps back, her voice lighter as she launches into recounting of the trip to the airport and the check-in process, as well as a brief mention of a longer wait time than anticipated. Altogether, nothing too worrying that brings a crease to anyone’s brows but Seulgi’s, who sits there silently throughout it all with an out-of-place frown on her lips. No one seems to notice as they focus on the device in her hands though, laughing at her story of being mistaken for a foreigner at security and mostly getting through unnoticed by fans and the like.
"We're being called to board now,” Seungwan continues, after promising to bring back tasty food from Dubai for the maknaes. "I'll call after I land?"
"Of course,” Joohyun smiles, glancing down as an alarm goes off on her phone. "Take care and see you later, okay?"
“M’kay,” their main vocalist chimes back as Yerim pipes up again with a, “Love you unnie!” and multiple aegyo-filled kissing noises that elicit complaints from the older girl through her laughter.
“Have a safe trip!” Sooyoung sing-songs as the eldest returns to the kitchenette to finish preparing their meal, and Seulgi listens to the equally jolly reply with a soft smile before she sees the line cut off with a beep. Sooyoung gives her a funny look as she lifts her thumb from the touchscreen, but when she says nothing the other girl just sighs and props her feet on her lap to lie down with her head at the other end of the sofa. Lunch passes as usual, except Seungwan isn’t there to mediate Yerim and Sooyoung’s bickering and Joohyun just leaves them be with a fond roll of her eyes.
The sofa becomes her retreat again after that, as the others are either studying and reading fan forums online or practicing lines alone without the help of their missing member. She finds herself opening up their Instagram before long, debating on whether or not to upload something before deciding to just scroll through comments of their previous post. Soon enough one particular comment jumps out at her in all its caps locked glory, accompanied by blue and yellow heart emojis and various other emoticons slotted in among the ‘seuldy’s that litter the comment section. There are ‘wenseul’s too, and one comment further down even asks about a duet song cover from her and Seungwan.
“’Ninetyfourever’ and 'you '…” she reads aloud quietly, scrolling down the spam briefly before smiling to herself. “Well, I guess we’re rooting for the same team."
“Are you talking to yourself again?"
Yerim’s suddenly standing beside the sofa with a packet of honey butter chips in hand, and Seulgi jumps in her seat before locking her phone swiftly. “Oh, uh —“ she gulps, avoiding the judging eyebrow that’s raised her way. “No. Not at all."
“Right,” the maknae drawls, sitting down next to her. “What were you doing, then?"
Seulgi unlocks her phone and discreetly scrolls back up the feed. “Reading,” she replies as smoothly as possible, flashing her screen at the girl as proof. "Comments. The fan's comments. On Instagram…With my phone."
Yerim crunches a mouthful of her snack and draws her feet up onto her seat to tuck them underneath herself. “Oh really?"
The older girl nods vehemently. “Really."
“Hmm.” She puts the packet down on the coffee table with deliberation before sitting back. “Hmm." Yerim tilts her head to the side, furrowing her brow in thought as Seulgi shifts uncomfortably under the younger girl's scrutiny.
“…Is there something on my face?"
"No, no,” the maknae waves her hand dismissively, but leans in to inspect her closely with a squint. "Wait, I've got it,” she snaps her fingers, and sits back with a triumphant smile. "You're sick."
Seulgi blinks, feels her forehead with the back of her hand, and frowns. "I don't think so…?"
Yerim shakes her head. "No, I'm pretty sure you are.” She shuffles closer and nudges her leg. "Come on, let Doctor Kim have a look at you."
"Yerim —"
"Hush now, dear patient.” The hand that wasn’t previously used to handle honey butter chips is held up in her face to halt any further protest, and Yerim shifts forward to press her palm over Seulgi’s forehead. "Ah, I see.” She pats the older girl’s cheeks, and turns her head from side to side with a finger against her chin. "Mhm…” Leaning back again, she in a breath through her teeth and shakes her head. "Oh my…” Seulgi can only frown at her as she puts a solemn hand on her shoulder. “Seulgi-unnie."
"What…?” Her voice comes out more timid than she’s comfortable with, and somehow Yerim actually looks grave about this.
"It seems that you have a very serious case indeed,” the seventeen year-old says, frowning deeply now. "I mean, I've only read about this on healthcare sites, but it's best to go see an actual doctor about it."
Seulgi purses her lips, automatically preparing herself for the worst. "What? What is it?"
"I'm ninety-seven percent sure about this," Yerim continues, hand placed firmly on her shoulder. "But I'm afraid you may be completely and utterly —" A pause, a sigh, and a single breath of:
"Lovesick."
It takes a few seconds for Seulgi to recognise the pure mischief in the younger girl's eyes, and by the time she even yells a, "Kim Yerim!" the youngest has already barricaded herself in her room with a cackle, her snack left forgotten on the coffee table as Seulgi cups her burning cheeks in her hands.
"What's all the noise about?” A new, less annoying voice intervenes as their leader emerges from the laundry room with her cue cards in hand, one eyebrow cocked questioningly at the red-faced girl sitting by herself on the sofa.
"Hyun-ah,” Seulgi sighs, slumping in her seat with her phone held protectively to her stomach, as if to help hide the evidence of her supposed ‘lovesickness'. "It's nothing. Just Yerim being…Yerim."
"Oh?” Joohyun takes a bottle of water from the fridge before leaning on the kitchen island to watch her. "What was she teasing you about this time?"
Seulgi groans and throws an arm over her forehead. “Unnie…"
The older brunette shrugs. "It's an innocent question, Seul."
And it is, but Seulgi shouldn’t have let herself get this affected by the teasing in the first place. The look in Yerim’s eyes was too knowing though, and while she’s a hundred percent human — albeit maybe with a little demon thrown in — there’s no way she could know about her crush without some supernatural power aiding her in somehow surmising her feelings for Seungwan. Or maybe Seulgi is just that obvious.
…Or maybe Sooyoung told her.
"She said I'm lovesick,” she admits, finally.
Joohyun stares at her for a long moment. “…Is that all?"
Blood rushes to her cheeks yet again, and Seulgi looks away with an embarrassed, "Y-Yeah."
Her older friend straightens up with a small smile that has her brows furrowing in confusion at the mischief behind it. "Well,” Joohyun starts, seemingly innocent. "I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think she might be right."
It takes a beat or two for her words to compute. "Wait, what do you —"
"Oh, would you look at the time, I have to go to work,” Joohyun says breezily, dashing to the front door despite it being a whole hour before her scheduled departure for the Music Bank studio. “I’ll see you guys when I get back!"
"U-Unnie!"
The door slams shut behind her and leaves her alone with her thoughts again, and when Sooyoung passes by on her way to grab a cup of coffee she just shakes her head with a muttered, “Hopeless bear…” under her breath. Which isn’t far off from the truth, but still. She’s managed to snag a glimpse at Seulgi’s notebook, and safe to say the couple of sketches she saw of Seungwan made for enough material for her to be victimised for the rest of her idol-life by the girl.
Thank God she’s never bothered to peek at Seulgi’s phone, though. It’s bad enough that the resident queen of evil knows about her crush and the few drawings of said crush, but to let her see what plays on her phone at night? Absolute mortification.
That, and she’d rather not explain why she continuously listens to a mix of Seungwan’s OST’s and the songs she’s recommended to Seulgi on a daily basis. And they're all compiled into their very own ‘sleep music’ playlist, no less — right alongside soundtracks of oceans and nature and everything else Seulgi loves to listen to in her dreams.
(She’s not a hopeless romantic. She swears she’s not.
She just feels closer to her this way.)
That night she happens to be listening to a mixture of Troye Sivan and ocean sounds and everything else that sings blue and vibrant when her phone buzzes suddenly in the darkness, cutting off the music in her earphones as a jingling melody takes over. She groans quietly before reaching out to grab the device, squinting at the notification from KakaoTalk before shutting her eyes and swiping her screen to accept the call. Her “Hello?” comes out as more of a muffled grunt, and she’s just about to hang up at the quiet that answers back when a voice stops her.
"Seulgi?"
The sound crackles in the silence, and Seulgi mistakes it for her ears playing some weird trick on her mind, or the other way around. Until Seungwan speaks again, soft and hesitant.
"Seul, are you awake?"
She adjusts her earbuds, rolls onto her back to face the ceiling with a hum. “I am now.”
A short pause, and an exhale. “Sorry."
“It's 'kay,” Seulgi mumbles, and Seungwan laughs quietly, shifting on the other side of the line.
“Is everyone else asleep?" she asks then, and the older one curls up in response.
"I think so," she replies softly, fiddling with a loose thread on her pillow as she bites back the smile growing on her lips. The drowsiness of her body battles the excitement beating in her veins, resulting in an unusual mix of fatigue and restlessness as she holds back the urge to jump out of bed and pace around; maybe head into the front room to continue the call more privately, without the possibility of waking the others. The thing is, Seungwan called her and not Joohyun, and it shouldn't feel like a victory. But she called her earlier today as well, and truthfully, she'll take anything she can get.
There's the sound of a honk — probably the traffic on the other end — and a sigh, before Seungwan's voice pulls her back down from her thoughts. "What time is it over there?"
Seulgi shrugs, before remembering they can't actually see each other. "Two? Maybe three." A lengthy yawn escapes as she pulls the covers up more, grinning to herself as she recites a familiar radio show line. "Shall we…go to bed now?"
A momentary silence is followed by a short click of the tongue. "I hate you."
Seulgi giggles quietly. "You love me."
Seungwan just snorts softly. “You’re lucky I do," she mutters, warm as ever in her teasing.
Again with the affection. Seulgi inhales, shuts her eyes, and briefly considers Googling 'How to tell your best friend not to say things that make you want to kiss her'.
"Aren't you tired?” Seungwan’s beginning to sound increasingly more like a lullaby, and Seulgi fights to keep herself awake by pressing the heel of her palm to her eyes for a moment.
“Nope," she replies as she brings her hands away from her face, wrapping an arm around the stuffed white teddy bear that she stole from the girl's bed, tucked safely under her covers as a substitute for the owner herself. “Not really."
She can practically see the skeptical raise of an eyebrow now. “You don’t sound too sure."
“How can you be sure that I don’t sound too sure?"
“If we were face to face, you’d likely be avoiding looking at me," Seungwan replies matter-of-factly. "Biting your lip. Probably fidgeting with your clothes."
Seulgi scoffs, burying her face further into her pillow. “If we were face to face, we wouldn’t be talking like this right now."
It strikes a chord in the conversation that they haven't touched on since that fateful evening when Seulgi found the main vocalist crying on her bed, and it's not something she should have really brought up when one of them is on the brink of sleep and the other is miles away, stuck in the middle of traffic.
And yet here they are, addressing things that they’re not used to exposing to the light, because evidently, Seulgi is a coward, and Seungwan is…
Seungwan is a mystery.
“Seulgi…” Said girl begins, and the rumble of a car engine indicates that they’ve started moving again. “I meant what I said, the other week. You know I'm here for anything you want to talk about, whenever you need me."
"I know.” Why do I feel like you’re distancing yourself from me, then? "I know,” she sighs again, fingers combing through her hair. “But you should stop worrying about me."
Seungwan inhales and exhales slowly, the static of the phone line tickling the hairs on the back of Seulgi's neck like a quiet breath.
“Yes. Well.” A pause. "Bad habit, I guess."
It draws a gentle laugh out of her despite herself, lips curling into an easy smile against the pillow as the dancer closes her eyes. "Well, not necessarily bad,” she replies, drawing a soft chuckle from the other girl while she reaches out to hold Seungwan’s plush animal absently.
"It's hard not to,” the owner responds slowly, sounding too honest to be jesting, at this point. "You know."
Lithe fingers stop their drumming on the stuffed bear’s fur, pressing at the spot where it’s heart would be, if it were alive and finding it just as hard to breathe with Seungwan speaking with such sweet concern over the line. It's the opposite of what she needs right now, but what she wants is Seungwan’s attention — even at the cost of that unending ache in her chest. It effectively blurs rational thoughts into doubt and weariness, all but promoted by the confusing enigma that is Son Seungwan and her affinity for mixed signals.
Seulgi thinks that she should put an end to it; maybe try hurting her back. Push her away and see if it affects Seungwan as much as it affects herself. “Yeah,” she says anyway, and the uncertainty in her voice isn’t remarked upon this time as her same-aged friend sighs.
(They’ve been doing a lot of it with each other, lately. Sighing.
Maybe it’s a sign. But of what, she has no clue.)
“You didn’t say goodbye,” Seungwan says suddenly, and Seulgi blinks at the snowy stuffed bear at her side.
“Pardon?"
“Earlier.” Her voice is soft, and Seulgi inhales at the sound. “You didn’t say goodbye to me. I mean — I didn’t hear you, at least.”
She closes her eyes as she breathes out. “Do you want me to say it now?"
“Well, you should sleep now,” the slightly younger one murmurs, the background noise of Dubai buzzing back again. "We’ll talk tomorrow?"
Seulgi hums. "Alright. I’ll expect another call, then."
Seungwan’s careful smile flashes its way across her mind’s eye in place of the real thing. “Sweet dreams, Seul."
“Goodnight, Wan-ah."
There’s another murmur from Seungwan's line, and Seulgi blinks at the beep of her ending the call three seconds later, ringing with the echo of her parting words in the darkness. She stares at her phone screen for a while after that with her lip caught between her teeth, and tries not to think about it too much. Seungwan is the type of person to express her feelings openly, after all — to be affectionate when she wants to and tell people they're gorgeous just so they feel like they really are gorgeous.
(But she's not the type to say things and not mean them, and that's what keeps Seulgi guessing, most of the time.)
The “I love you” that Seungwan bade her goodbye with must have been purely platonic, though. Of course it was. How could it be anything else?
It doesn't stop the tightness in her chest though, and even when her phone displays a bright 02:21 on its screen her eyes refuse to shut, her mind refuses rest, and her heart refuses reprieve from it all. Talking to Seungwan nowadays is like taking one step forward and walking into pitfalls each time, falling deeper with every one with no control over where she lands, or how she lands. Guaranteed, it won’t be soft or easy next time. It never is.
She's spent the past few months telling herself otherwise anyway, assuring herself that friendship is enough and that it's all just temporary. Just a phase of crushing on your best friend, as best friends do. Except it’s a little more than that, and really — she should have opened her eyes to all the red flags instead of trying to delude herself all this time.
(Perhaps then she wouldn’t be here. Hopeless and waiting, longing for more.)
There's no use fighting it now though, because yes; she’s a little bit in love with her. She can admit to that much but nothing further, and that’s all the reality she needs. In the future she might actually be able to say it out loud. Possibly even to someone other than herself.
But for now? There's nothing that can be done that won't risk ending in collateral damage of some kind, not to mention the potential severance of their friendship. She knows better than to tread carelessly across an open space of eggshells and secrets that she was never meant to know about a girl who's dug herself so deeply into her heart, and so Seulgi is content with staying still in this moment. For Seungwan, she has patience.
She can wait. As long as she's able to stand beside her, she'll wait. They still have time together, time that Seulgi is willing to use to figure out what she can afford to win or lose in a situation that’s neither a competition or a war, as much as it feels like it. Maybe she’ll stop feeling like this. Maybe she’ll tell her.
One of these days; maybe.
Now I'd like to take a moment to say that we are at the end of the initial plot I had planned. If I did continue with this canonverse thing I'd be going for as long as Red Velvet are still together. Which, hopefully, is for a long time to come.
Alas, even I can’t think of angsty plotlines for that long.
This is officially on hiatus until further notice! I'm sorry it took this long to make a statement, but after forcing myself to write and hating each and every word, I want to try and focus on other stuff for now. This will be finished, one day.
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