sleepless nights
force of habitThank you to everyone who's taken the time to read, comment, subscribe, etc! It really means a lot to this Seuldy trash ^__^
Now I won't be able to update for the next 3 or so weeks because of exams, but here's one to hold you over till then. Also I can't decide if SHINee's Sleepless Nights, 9Muses Sleepless Night, or CrushxPunch's Sleepless Nights is best for this, but they're all good so whatever.
(This one was inspired by something I saw on my Twitter feed a while ago about Wendy being sneaky…shoutout to @februarywans?)
Seungwan sneaks into her bed, sometimes.
It doesn't happen that often — certainly not as often as she leans on Seulgi's shoulder or bites her thumb — but it happens frequently enough to give Seulgi a consistent sense of false hope.
Honestly, she has half the mind to nudge the girl out of her bed each time, just to make sure Seungwan doesn’t accidentally catch the hummingbird beat of her heart against her ribcage whenever the shorter girl slips under the covers with her.
Although to be fair, it was kind of Seulgi's fault it started in the first place.
She remembers the first time it happened, after Seungwan had just gotten off a late night phone call with her family and was far too tired to navigate her way through their cramped bedroom. Seulgi was half-asleep after finishing another sketch and Sooyoung and Joohyun were curled up peacefully on one side, leaving barely enough room for a tiny main vocalist to slip in between. There had been a rustle that pulled her from the beginnings of slumber as she felt the tickle of cerulean tips grazing her cheeks, before registering the honeysuckle scent of the body in front of her.
Something had probably possessed her in that moment, because as the younger girl seemed to realise whose space she’s just invaded, Seulgi had thrown an arm over her waist and nuzzled her forehead against the back of the girl’s shoulders. Seungwan froze up immediately, her previously shifting legs hanging stock still and silent as all noise in the room ceased altogether. Even the constant hum of the boiler room next to their dorm had dissipated; muted to the sound of Seungwan's voice floating uncertainly through the air.
“…Seulgi?"
There was nothing she could do to not make it any less awkward, so she settled for sacrificing her image and letting out a snore that was loud enough to catch the girl's attention, but quiet enough not to wake the others. And save Seulgi from further embarrassment, of course.
Seungwan had let out a low huff of laughter at the noise, and Seulgi bit back the grin that formed on her lips as her fellow member relaxed and settled against her.
Safe to say, her slumber was spent a lot more relaxed than usual. For the first time in a long while Seulgi found herself sleeping the entire night away peacefully, with no covers thrown off like they usually were since Seungwan's chilly skin cooled her own perpetually heated body. The other 94-liner was gone by the next morning of course, greeting her in the kitchen with a smile that bordered on nervous as Seulgi walked in and greeted her with an innocent, “Did you sleep well?"
She didn't expect Seungwan to say something like, "Yes, thanks for spooning me to sleep," but she remembers being particularly amused by the slight flush on her cheeks as she replied with the affirmative. Seulgi had said nothing more as she watched her turn back to tend to the food on the stove, but soon after that incident Seungwan had started consciously sneaking into Seulgi's bed at night.
The first time she slips in of her own accord — and the second time she sleeps in Seulgi's bed — is some day in December 2014, following another one of their end of year award shows. It just so happened that Seulgi was having a hard time getting to sleep in the first place, because Sooyoung and Joohyun were too cold not to sleep without the heater on, but evidently not cold enough to crank it up to a temperature fitting for Seungwan.
(Which, considering she's the one from subzero-degrees Canada, is a strange phenomenon in and of itself.)
Nonetheless, Seulgi succeeded in holding in her surprise when she felt a dip in the mattress behind her, followed by the brush of cool, bare legs against her own beneath the covers. Seungwan had been fortunate that the slightly older girl had a habit of lying near the edge of her bed as she sleeps, so there was more than enough room left for her to snuggle up to the girl’s back and fall asleep like that mere minutes later. Seulgi had lain awake in stunned silence for a long while after, and it seemed like hours passed till she finally grew accustomed with it, relaxing into the arm folded carefully over her waist and the cold nose pressing against the nape of her neck, exposed by her sweater.
Sleep had come easy to her after that, with the heat of the radiator and her duvet balanced out by the human ice cube cuddled up to her from behind. The next morning panned out similarly to how it did the first time, except she bumped into Seungwan on the way to the bathroom instead, and when asked about how she slept she couldn’t help but note the anxious waver in Seungwan’s voice. Hence why she decided not to bring up the bed-sneaking and simply responded with an "I did, how about you?" that spurred a more relaxed Seungwan and a soft, "Yeah, me too."
Seulgi supposes they didn't address it that time because it didn't need addressing; because she assumed that it was a one time thing. She thought the same for the time after that, too.
(And the time after that, and the time after that.)
To begin with it seemed that Seungwan was just cold, especially during the long winter nights after staying up late rehearsing their songs or performing at annual award ceremonies. Sometimes it wouldn't even be that cold, so Seulgi figured that the way Seungwan would curl into her then was more for comfort than for warmth. Those would be the times that the smaller girl was missing her family most — on her first post-debut birthday, the first time they won an award, or on seemingly normal dates which turned out to be her family's birthdays, or something just as significant.
Back then, Seulgi had already decided to play along with the notion that she slept like a log. Seungwan could use her for the heat and silent support she needed at night, and Seulgi could sleep peacefully alongside the fact that she was helping her in a way that no one else seemed to be subject to doing.
It was a win-win situation, and Seungwan never had to know how exactly Seulgi benefitted from it so long as the dancer stayed quiet and feigned sleep as soon as she felt the familiar frame climbing under the covers with her. The clandestine notions of sharing a bed at night would be dashed come daylight and the real world anyway, so Seulgi usually tries not to think much of it whenever Seungwan hugs her from behind or asks her how she slept, even after nights where she hasn't sneaked in.
Most of the time it seems more like a logic-based decision, anyway. Seulgi's the human heater of the group and Seungwan lives up to her role as Olaf, who "loves warm hugs" and may well be made of soft, pure white snow.
Because for someone who radiates such a warm personality, Seungwan has the coldest hands Seulgi's ever felt.
"Low blood circulation," the shorter girl had told her when she asked about it, three months into her training at SM. She laughed a little afterwards in that endearingly awkward way of hers, folding her fingers over one another across her stomach.
"Cold hands hide a warm heart," Seulgi had responded, grinning at her before reaching down and pulling her up. They were the last to leave for yet another dance practice, since Seulgi's years as a trainee had culminated into something like perfectionism, and Seungwan's natural ambition made for a strong drive to work well in everything she could.
"Wanna come get some ice cream with me?" The senior trainee had suggested then, grabbing both their bags and leading the way out of the practice room. "They sell these really nice sorbets in cute plastic pots a few streets down."
"Oh!" Seulgi had been about to walk out when Seungwan went to grasp her sleeve lightly, a forlorn look crossing her eyes as she frowned up at her. "But my diet…"
Seulgi had just grinned. "We'll share one," she shrugged, blinking at the way the shorter girl's fingers remained caught on the elbow of her shirt. "And if they find out, just blame me."
Seungwan released her after another second, her eyebrows dipping even further in a way that was as comical as it was cute. "But then you'll get into trouble," she had mumbled, eliciting a giggle from her companion.
"I'm an ancient trainee," Seulgi had said matter-of-factly, reaching out to entwine their hands together easily. She remembers wondering then if Joohyun really had such an influence on her in that area, or if she was really that familiar with Seungwan to begin with. "I know my way around the management unnies. Trust me."
The cheesy wink that she finished with had Seungwan blushing and pushing her away lightly, and all it took then was a few playful pokes to her ribs before she was giving up with a bout of laughter and a squeaked, “Fine, fine, but I’m paying!"
There was something about the way her perpetually cool fingers curled around Seulgi’s then, and it’s something she still marvels at to this day. Seungwan's hands have a sort of magic about them hidden beneath her chilly touch, with a way of soothing her that isn't limited to balancing her too-hot body temperature.
She seems to have that effect on lots of people, though. Fans all swoon whenever Seungwan so much as brushes her hand on theirs, and Seulgi's seen her work her magic with her members, her sunbaes, and even Lee Sooman himself; when Seungwan was offering her condolences over his wife's death through baked goods and warm pats on the arm.
For all the magic that Seungwan has though, their group leader seems to be the only one able to do the same for her — and it's getting harder for Seulgi to ignore the pangs of jealousy she feels when she sees it in action. On one hand she loves Joohyun too much to let it consume her, but on the other her longtime friend just has no knowledge of Seungwan's affections, and it's starting to bother her with how her cluelessness seems to lead the poor girl on.
(She imagines it's actually a lot similar to how she feels when Seungwan curls into her warmth, oblivious to the fact that she's simultaneously burning her skin with each cool touch and leaving marks on her heart under every warm glance.)
It's not like she wants to be jealous of Joohyun, and it's not like Joohyun specifically asks for the care and attention, either. It's usually that stop in her train of thought that brings it all to a close, because the kind of jealousy she's trying to rationalise is only ever supposed to occur between a man and woman anyway. At least, where they are right now it does.
Besides, relationships in the idol industry are never made to last, so when Seungwan continues to sneak into her bed to cause her more torture, she reminds herself again and again to just let it lie.
They're fine just the way they are now.
And they are fine without speaking about certain things. Things like Seungwan's habit of bed-sneaking and Seulgi's habit of getting caught staring at the girl at random times of the day.
They're fine, until she finds Seungwan's pills in the back of her bedside table.
It looks inconspicuous enough, when Seulgi spots the bottle inside the drawer. She’s supposed to be looking for a notebook, and while the small pile of unread fanmail obscures it somewhat, there’s a container that catches her eye first; with its clean white label and orange-tinted plastic, complete with a neat scrawl of Hangul and English right underneath.
Xanax.
It's half empty, and Seulgi finds herself reaching for it with all notions of her previous objective chucked unceremoniously out of the window.
The harmless-looking bottle is passed over in her hands a couple of times as she reads the 'Prescription for: Son Seungwan' and the dosage instructions below it. They're just sleeping pills. It could have been something a lot worse, and God knows Seungwan isn't the type to have something a lot worse.
It shouldn't shock her this much either, with their hectic schedules and messed up sleep patterns and multiple worries piled on from the public and their toxic opinions. It still makes her stomach turn with unease, and she makes sure to memorise the name of the brand and the place she got it from when Seungwan calls for her in the kitchen.
"Seulgi! Did you find it?"
She places the bottle back in its place like it's bomb ready to go off at any moment, making sure it's as hidden as it was when she found it before rummaging through the rest of the things inside. "Yeah, hold on!"
The notebook that Seungwan asked her to fetch sits at the bottom beneath everything else, and she makes sure to check through the pages to make sure there are the handwritten recipes Seungwan said there would be inside. One last look is cast at the contents of the drawer before she slides it closed carefully and hurries to the kitchen.
"Got it!” she says, plastering on a grin as Seungwan looks up with her cookie dough-covered hands.
"Thank you," she smiles, and Seulgi barely restrains herself from just pulling her close and never letting go.
"You're welcome,” the older one breathes instead, setting the book down and shoving the thoughts to the back of her mind like she did with Seungwan's prescription, sitting far too comfortably in the back of the girl's drawer.
The batch of blueberry choc-chip cookies they end up making are as amazing as usual, and it succeeds in distracting Seulgi from sleeping pills and a prescription for insomnia until the first moment she gets to research the brand on her phone.
A week and a billion searched articles later Seulgi's close to snapping. Hiding the pills would be stupid and inconsiderate, especially since she doesn’t even know how long Seungwan’s been taking them for. Confronting her would be a can of worms that she doesn’t know how to open without making a mess, so she settles for the next best thing.
The few days following her latest revelation show little change, even when she turns up the heating more than usual (much to her own body’s protest, but whatever) and adjusts the humidifier to the ideal settings listed on some online health forum. Seungwan still hangs around in the living room past midnight, and Seulgi’s managed to catch her exiting the bathroom more than once with the bottle of pills peeking tauntingly from her sleeve.
Then one day Seulgi returns after a late night run to the convenience store, having held a longer-than usual conversation with the clerk from last time as she rushes in and spots Seungwan sitting by herself at the kitchen island. They whisper their greetings in the silence of the dorm, and the dancer almost trips over herself taking the milk out of the bag and pouring it into a mug to stick in the microwave, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she retrieves the lightly steaming drink after two minutes and shuffles over to Seungwan with a hopeful smile.
"Here," she says, setting in front of her carefully.
Seungwan puts down her book and blinks up at her, then down at the drink. "Milk?"
“Warm milk. To help you sleep," she explains, scuffing her socked feet on the floor. "I couldn't find any cherry juice at the supermarket, so this was the next best thing." Seungwan only continues to frown at her slightly so she bites her lip, scratches the side of her neck with a wavering smile. "You seem a lot more tired than usual."
The bewildered look in her eyes clears up at that, and Seungwan returns the drink with a grateful little smile. "It's okay, I've already taken a —" She stops herself and blinks once, twice as Seulgi purses her lips at the slip-up. "Thanks,” is all that comes out eventually, as she reaches out and takes a tentative sip of her milk as Seulgi settles into the chair opposite her. She watches for a while longer until Seungwan finishes, and it’s as she sets it aside that she notices her eyes following her.
“What is it?” she smiles uncertainly, and Seulgi begins forming a ‘Nothing’ on her tongue.
“How long has it been?” comes out instead, and as confusion clouds Seungwan's features again she decides to just ask her properly. “Since you started taking them, I mean. The sleeping pills."
The rat-tat-tat of main vocalist's fingers begin to sound on the counter quietly until she draws her hands down to her lap. "You found them,” she murmurs, as more of a question.
Seulgi nods. "By accident," she affirms, keeping her tone as even as possible. "I'm sorry. It's your private stuff, but when you had me look for your notebook the other week I found it and…"
"It's okay," Seungwan interjects softly, looking down at the marks and ridges on the table. "I didn't expect to have anyone look through my bedside table, so it wasn't hidden that well."
The statement has Seulgi frowning. "You shouldn't be hiding it in the first place, Seungwan."
Her fellow vocalist squirms slightly at the unusual sternness seeping into her voice. "I know," she mumbles, looking down at the table as Seulgi bites her lip. "I know. I'm sorry."
"The bottle was half empty, when I checked,” Seulgi continues, and watches her inhale quietly. "How long have you had them?"
Seungwan doesn't say anything for a long moment. "A month," she admits softly, before attempting a reassuring smile thrown her way. "I've had them before though, so it's okay."
"You might become too reliant," Seulgi cites, drawing from the memory of her research frenzy the previous week.
Seungwan seems a little surprised by Seulgi actually knowing this; moreso than the fact itself. “They said they’d switch me to something safer, if it doesn’t get better.” Seungwan’s bouncing her leg under the table now. “Maybe Lunesta, maybe Ambien. I don’t know."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Seulgi wants to say. "Have you told anyone?" she asks instead, and Seungwan's tapping resumes.
"Only Minjin-unnie," she murmurs, before giving her a pleading look. “You haven’t told the others, have you?"
Seulgi shakes her head, and she sighs with relief as she runs a hand through her hair.
"Why don't you tell them?” the older one pries, propping her head on her palm as she frowns at her co-member.
"I can't," Seungwan mumbles. "It's not that big, so I don't want to burden them."
Her reasons contradict one another in a way that has Seulgi’s eyebrows furrowing even more, but it's nearing midnight and they have practice and recordings all day tomorrow, so she swallows her words for now and stands up.
"Sleep with me tonight," she proposes after a small silence, only realising the implications of her words when Seungwan's cheeks tint a light shade of pink. Seulgi shakes it off quickly though, levelling her gaze with solemnity as she fights her own blush down. "I read that some people tend to sleepwalk after taking sleeping pills," she recalls from the numerous recently visited pages in her Google search history. "I'll make sure we don't make headlines tomorrow with 'Red Velvet's main vocalist, found wandering the streets of Seoul in her pajamas at 4AM'."
Her attempt at humour is rewarded with a chuckle, and she just about stops herself from fist-pumping the air when Seungwan acquiesces with a nod. "Okay, but you're sleeping on the outside."
An easy smile spreads across her lips at that. “Deal,” she agrees, putting the used mug in the sink before offering her hand out for Seungwan to take.
The shorter one leads the way to their shared bedroom and climbs into Seulgi's bed like it's her own, and when Joohyun stirs a little in her bed across the room they freeze, only to giggle quietly together as Seulgi settles in next to her. Seungwan automatically shifts closer, and Seulgi almost falls off the bed as she jolts away from the cold feet that brush on the back of her legs.
"Sorry,” the Canadian rushes quietly. “…You're really warm."
Seulgi smiles to herself, relaxing against her as she turns to lie on her side. "It's fine," she replies gently. “Though I've never really considered myself to be that much of an effective heater."
"Well, you should," Seungwan yawns, pressing close to her spine. "You have a really hot body."
Seulgi manages to hide the sudden stutter in her chest with a low chuckle. "Why, thank you. Ow!"
"Not in that way, Kang," the smaller girl grumbles, retracting the hand used to pinch Seulgi’s back as the taller girl pouts into the darkness.
"So I don't have a hot body?"
"I could elbow you right now."
"Animal cruelty to bears," she quips, giggling softly when Seungwan just buries her head against the dip of her shoulder-blades with a groan.
"Your cringiness is actually making me tired," she mutters, and Seulgi shrugs one shoulder.
"Go to sleep, then."
A long pause ensues before Seungwan prods her back slightly. "Are you sure I'm not too cold?"
She hums. "You're a very warm person, actually."
"Seulgi."
The sound of her name is more affectionate than exasperated, and her smile lifts even more at the sound. "You are cold," Seulgi admits. "But it's nice." There's a questioning hum at that, and she shifts so that their legs touch, just barely. "It's a more comfortable way of cooling down. I don't feel like kicking the covers off at night."
She feels Seungwan nod against her. “Scoot up, then,” she says lightly. "You're hogging all the space."
"Well, I would apologise,” Seulgi starts, sounding a lot more confident than she feels. "But I guess it's only fair for all the other times you snuck into my bed."
Seungwan freezes at that, the air around them becoming mute for a whole minute until she finally speaks.
"You knew."
Seulgi chuckles quietly. "I'm not that deep of a sleeper, Wan."
She hears a faint, “Right,” murmured into her shirt before familiar fingers curl into the material at her waist. A minute passes with warm silence and the sound of their breathing, until Seungwan presses her lips to her back and mumbles something into her shirt, barely audible. "Does it bother you when I do it?"
"Do what?”
"Sneak into your bed," she states. “Lean on you. All that kind of stuff. You're not exactly the captain of skinship, here."
Seulgi hums. "I don't mind,” she admits, after a moment of contemplation. "I like it when you lean on me. You should do it more often."
Her nose brushes the back of Seulgi's neck when she nods this time. “Okay,” she breathes, and the older one shivers.
“Not just physically," she murmurs, thankful for the darkness of the moon in obscuring the blush of her ears. “You know you don’t always have to be so selfless. You can lean on me for support, if you ever need me."
“But I don’t want to be —“ There's a noise of disapproval, and Seungwan lets her words fall into a cross between a sigh and a laugh. “I…It’s just…"
“A bad habit,” Seulgi finishes for her in a low mumble. “Yeah. I know.”
Her words come out sounding a lot heavier than she intended, and at Seungwan's uncertain silence she moves to lie her legs against the smaller girl's to share her warmth — shifting close but not too close for comfort.
There's nothing else she can say then that wouldn't be overstepping boundaries, even when she's doing so already with Seungwan spooning her from behind. It's probably not the same for Seungwan though, so she keeps mum and lets her breathing slowly even out alongside Seungwan's.
It feels like just being friends has gotten that much harder all of a sudden — but the bottle of pills sits at the back of Seungwan's bedside drawer, and that's all that matters. Seulgi doesn't mind being her sleeping pill if that's what she needs.
"Hey, Seulgi."
The warmth in her chest still isn’t going away, and it only increases tenfold as Seungwan moves closer; brushes her legs against Seulgi’s without actually resting there. Her mind is too tired to form an answer, but when Seungwan murmurs a quiet comment to herself about Seulgi falling asleep already, she’s kind of glad she didn’t. Because as much as the younger girl lives up to her nickname of Son Cringeworthy, Seulgi gets the feeling her mumbled words are far more intimate than they’re used to.
(It does nothing but make her want more.)
"You should lean on me, too."
So Wendy strikes me as someone who would have many anxieties and thus have trouble sleeping because of them. I suppose Joy and Yeri seem to have those kinds of problems too, but with their friendship they seem to rely on each other more. Wendy seems almost, I don't know, reserved about it…
But anyway, who else is as thirsty as I am in this seuldy drought?
This is officially on hiatus until further notice! I'm sorry it took this long to make a statement, but after forcing myself to write and hating each and every word, I want to try and focus on other stuff for now. This will be finished, one day.
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