“OH NO!!!” I wake up fast and have a quick shower too. The moment I’m wear my shoes, Jiwon open my room door. He also rushing like me. His jacket in his hand, his neck ties just hang on his neck and his bag on one of his shoulder.

“Palli…” Jiwon said and help me carry my bag. When both of us run to the door suddenly I just remember about my mother. I run back to her room but she’s not there.

“Eomma!!” I called.

“I’m here.” She said and carry 2 lunch bag in her hand. She gave each one to me and Jiwon.

“Sorry, I’m makes sandwich without asking you first.” She said to Jiwon but he just smile.

“It’s ok, Eommoni. You can cook anything in the freeze. Just think this is your house too.” He said.

“Go now….” My mother said. Both of us begin to run again.

This is the first time for me to feel so tired and out of breath. I stop just a few feet from the school gate.

“The school bell will ring…. Let’s go.” He said and holds my hand.

“Just go first. I will be there.”

“I will not leave you behind.” He said with jokes again, so dramatic lines. I just smirk and continue run again with him.

“Bag…. Bag….” I said when both of us near to our class but Jiwon keep walking catching his breath. When both of us walk into the class our classmate looks at us. Without making any eyes contact with all of them keep looking at us until Jiwon put my bag on my chair. He asked Shin Minah to move and seat at his place instead. So he can seat next to me. I feel like my face is burn with hot and glare from our classmate. Jiwon just act like there is nothing special happen.

“Kids…pay your attention.” Mr. Taek said when he come into the class. Breaking eyes contact the kids from us.

“Are you crazy?” I whisper when all of them looking in front.

“No. Shhh….” He said. He put his point finger on his fluffy and wet lips. Ask me to shut up and his head point to the Mr. Taek.

I think Jiwon has a bad dream last night or he eat something bad last night that why his head not in the right mind. Is he trying to announce to all that I sleep over at his house last night? I never close to any kids in my class suddenly I close with Jiwon. Over the night, is that makes sense? Oh god this boy really making me going crazy.

Lunch break likes always I put my book under my desk and ready to take my nap. Suddenly Jiwon take a seat in front of me and turn the chair so he can face me.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He said and put 2 box of milk on the table.

“Let’s eat….” He said.

“I like sleep more than eat.”

“Eat something. Be good to your tummy. You need to eat in order for you to move and work the whole day.” He nags. I don’t know he can be such a nagger. His smile also disappear when he serious. He help me open the milk and I drink it.

“I don’t like milk but yogurt yes.” I said makes him smile again.

“Ok. I will buy it for you from now on. What flavor? Banana? Strawberry?”

“Strawberry.”

“Why you don’t like to be friend with any of us?” He asked while munching on the sandwich that my mother gave.

“Because I will disappear one day and I don’t like to say goodbye.” I said without look at him but I know he look at me. I can feel his gaze of me.

“Will you disappear soon too?”

“I think so.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want my mother suffering again.”

“Will you leave without telling me too?” I look up into his eyes. I can see fear and upset in it. I don’t know why Jiwon act like this and I don’t want to know why. My mother is more important to me. I know I will graduate someday. I just don’t know where.

The bell ring save me from answering his question but at least he will know I will gone one day. I want him to know that.

“Excuse me, I’d go to bathroom.” I said. Fuhh, I barely can run away from him. The atmosphere is really awkward and heavy. I never felt it before when I’m with Jiwon. He never been so serious like that, like I just telling something really bad.

The whole day I’m trying to avoid him and when the class end. I just walk out first to my part time job. Jiwon reaction was really concern me. Why did he react that way? What do I mean to him? Why do he care if I will disappear soon?

End of my part time I just walk enjoying my peaceful and alone time. I don’t know someone was following me because I was listens to the music through my earpiece. The night breeze so cold makes me tuck my hand in the pocket. I walk pass a restaurant and saw one table. A happy family had their dinner together. The mother wiped her young daughter mouth while the father jokes to his elder son. One question pop up in my mind when I saw them. Will I be happy with my mother? What will happen to my mother if I’m not around? Will my father change into his old self back? Do I dare to give him chance to change? Will I trust him again?

“Do you envy to see them happy like that?” Jiwon asked. He stand just next to me.

“That happiness belongs to my family before.”

“Lucky you. I wish my mother and father just like them. Family first work will be second.”

“At least you can have warm food on the table, a roof over your head and place to go back at the end of the day.” I said makes Jiwon turn to me.

“You make me feel ungrateful toward what I have.”

“Have you ever feels unsafe in your own house? Have you feel you been kick every night and day? Have you been feel like you want to give up your life? Have you been feel like you might kill someone one day? While your future totally in darkness. Nothing is sure. Even tomorrow seem impossible to imagine.”

 “I may don’t know anything about you but I know we all have our own flaw and worries. What should we do? We’re just 18 years old.” Jiwon said.

We’re just 18 years old but our burden on our shoulders just as big as an adult too. Our worries just like any adult too. I look into Jiwon eyes. I saw myself in it, just like I look into the mirror. Is his scar like me too? Lonely, scared, upset, feeling wrongly and anxious about our own future. Behind the smiling face he always show me, he also alone and scare like me too. Every day we fight for our hope and dream. Can we achieve it? Can we grab it with our bare hand?

“Young-ah, you can stay here as long as you like. I don’t want you disappear without I knowing.” Jiwon said when we reach his home. He hold the front door knob so I can’t enter.

“How long do you think I can stay?” I asked and smiles at him. I try to live up the tense between us.

“I don’t know but the only think I know for sure. I want you to stay by my side as long as I wish for.”

“I can’t promise you that, Jiwon.”

“Don’t promise but just show it to me.”

“Why do you care so much about me?”

“Because I see you just like I see myself. We both need someone to hold on too. If you want you could lean on me…..”

“So you could lean on me too?”

“No, just think of me as your tree. Where you could rest when you’re tired or simply to shade under it from the bright sunlight. I want to be someone like that to you.” I feel so touched when I heard Jiwon said it. My heart beating so fast and I feel like I want to hug him. My tears threaten to fall. I never feel so safe like this before. At the same time I feel scared. Is this just a dream? What happen if some day I will awake? What will happen to me and him? I wish I could lean on him and shake all the burden on my shoulder. I know I can’t hold on his hand forever. This fight is my fight alone. There is nothing to do with him.

“Thank you for your kind offer but……” Suddenly I felt his lips on my lips. His lips just moving kiss me passionately but soft at the same time. His hand on my back, support me so I stay closer to him. I lost for a moment but when my mind snaps back. I push him slightly and look into his eyes. That was my first kiss.

“No more argument.” He said and a little bit stuttering. I can see his eyes also shaking. My heart can’t stop beating so fast and I just stay there look at him. I can feel his nervous after the kiss just like me too. He opens the door and stumble on the door frame. I almost want to burst to laugh when I saw his clumsy but somehow I just stay there like a statue.

“You’re home….” I can hear my mother voice from inside. She was waiting for us. I smile at my mother but somehow I can feel my smiling is stiff.

“You have your dinner already?” She asked when I’m walk in.

“Yup.” I said and go to my room.

“Young-ah, are you ok? You look unwell.”

“I’m fine, Eomma. Just tired.” I said and close the door. I stay lean on the door and the scene Jiwon Kiss me came to my mind. Is this dream? I touch my lips.

“Kim Jiwon just kiss me….” I said out loud and it still feels unreal for me.

The next day, Jiwon already go to school without me. When I’m reached my class he’s not at his seat next to me but on his own original seat. His behavior makes me confused for sure. Last night he kiss me and today he totally ignore me. Is he just plays jokes on me? Since he ignored me, I also let it go. There is no point for me to hold on him. It’s just a kiss. I got nothing to lose BUT IT MY FIRST KISS!!