06. I need you

When Junhoe saw Jinhwan's hands resting on Hanbin's chest that vision shook him from the inside, it made him tremble from within opening a huge hole in the center of his heart. Even if Jinhwan he had noticed and was well aware of how much he was hurting Junhoe with a simple gesture addressed to someone else, he didn't stop doing it. So Junhoe had to control himself to prevent an explosion of anger that would otherwise have occurred: the rage was rising from the depths of his soul and it was so much, so much that it seemed even greater than his love for Jinhwan. It burned like fire, like and infinite one. Junhoe was lost in his mind: he was so absorbed in his own thoughts, they were all intertwined with each other in an endless tangle. He didn't even notice nor Yunhyeong nor his question.

“What's going on here?” Yunhyeong asked out of nowhere.

“Nothing” Jinhwan said quickly faking a smile in Yunhyeong's direction. Then Jinhwan took Hanbin by the hand and led him back to bed, where shortly after he fell asleep locked in the oldest member's hug.

“Junhoe…” Yunhyeong stood looking at him, “can you tell me what has happened?” he looked so worried.

“I ruined everything” Junhoe said turning and hiding his face in his hands, he was so ashamed.

“What do you mean?” Yunhyeong's expression revealed his concern.

“Hyung” their conversation was interrupted by a sleepy maknae.
Chanwoo had appeared in the doorway, had looked around and then had approached Yunhyeong grabbing the hem of his sweater to pull him toward himself.

“Hey” Yunhyeong smiled at him one of his best, reassuring smiles, “just go to bed, wait there for me”.

“And what about you?” Chanwoo was puoting cutely, "you know I don't like to sleep without you” that adorable pout made him look even cuter.

“Wait there for me” Yunhyeong said.

“Okay, I wait for you!” Chanwoo exclaimed happily in return, and before leaving he planted a loud kiss on Yunhyeong's cheek.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Yunhyeong spoke again but facing Junhoe this time which seemed rather absent, distanced and spaced out.

“I don't want to talk about it” it was the curt reply he received from Junhoe.

Junhoe got up and went back into his room. There was one and only person who invaded both his mind and his heart, flowing in every part of him. And there were the memories, were indelible, made of indescribable emotions for better or for worse. He was literally drowning in them. Jinhwan wasn't there with him and yet it was as if he was there, Junhoe he felt him part of himself.

In the middle of the night, while it was raining and while a terrible storm raged outside, Junhoe left his room to go in the living room where he sat on the couch collapsing on it. He put his head in his hands, shook it and repented of all the mistakes he had committed recently. He burst into tears. It was a very silent cry, the sound was muffled but not even the faintest one was audible. He was crying as if he would be neither heard nor seen by anybody. With all those shining tears streaming down his face, Junhoe wasn't feeling better or worse. All he could feel was an unbearable, aching pain that was eating him alive.

Although he didn't make hardly any noise, someone must have heard him. And that someone was indeed Jinhwan who walked at a slow and light pace along the corridor following step by step the soft sound that ultimately brought him to Junhoe – his Junhoe.

“Junhoe…” Jinhwan whispered his name with a hint of sadness in his voice. Junhoe lifted his head and saw him. Jinhwan was leaning in the doorway, he stood still, not moving.

Their eyes met for a brief but intense instant. Junhoe looked away laying his gaze wherever he wasn't. He sank back on the couch. He ran his hand over his face by erasing all traces of those tears, he made it violently as if to get hurt - the hurt he believed he deserved.

Jinhwan reached him and watched him carefully, not knowing what to do or say in that case. So he sat down on his lap, put his arm around his back and repeatedly pushed away the bangs that kept falling on his forehead persistently.

“Hey” Jinhwan finally spoke breaking the silence filled by all the continuous sobs of the younger.
“Stop crying” Jinhwan whispered a whisker away from his face marked by tears that continued to roll marking the skin.

Junhoe was afraid of making another mistake again, he was terrified of committing another one. He was scared, he couldn't speak with him, he couldn't touch him and he couldn't even look him in the eyes.

“Junhoe?” Jinhwan called him a bit hesitant, “can you stop crying, please?” his voice was sweet, caressing. Jinhwan put a hand on the back of his neck and placed the other one on one side of his face. He Junhoe's cheek with his thumb by sliding his finger down until he get to his lips.

“I’m so sorry” Junhoe was able to say, “I know I ruined everything” he was frightened, he couldn't and didn't want to lose him forever.

“We'll talk about that later” Jinhwan asserted firmly, “but now stop crying, Junhoe, big boys don't cry” seeing him reduced in that state made his heart bleed.

Junhoe buried his face in the crook of Ji