03. The worst mistake

WARNING (please, don't skip this!): in this chapter there is slight homophobia, so I'm warning you.

 

That night Junhoe couldn’t sleep at all, not if his heart was tormented by Jinhwan, and above all there was the memory of the kiss he had given him - that Junhoe could never forget, and besides, even Jinhwan could in any way. And now there were also feelings, more and more confused and less and less clear, but that grew becoming stronger, more real, more true: they had an invincible force, like a wave in a stormy sea that invades the heart.
This was the irrational motivation that prompted Junhoe to break into Jinhwan’s room at night, lying next to him and hugging him from behind.

“Are you still awake?” Junhoe asked with a hint of hope in his voice.
He squeezed him against himself until their respective bodies adhered to one another.

“Why are you here?” Jinhwan’s words were spoken in a very unusual way because there was something else, a small detail of which only those who knew him could see. They betrayed a certain emotion: a constant, vibrant, alive emotion. He didn't expect it, he didn't expect Junhoe coming to him, not like that.

“I can’t sleep” the younger said as if it were obvious.

“Why?” Jinhwan asked though perhaps already knew the likely answer, “why can’t you sleep?” he turned over in his embrace finding himself face to face with him.

“I…” Junhoe felt Jinhwan’s breath on his lips.

“Go on” the other urged putting his hands through his hair, “is there something wrong, Junhoe?”.

“I can’t stop thinking about it” was the honest answer.

“To what?” Jinhwan was teasing, not knowing that Junhoe was about to reach his breaking point.

“You know very well what I mean” Junhoe said, this time he spoke in a very decisive way.

“I just want to hear you say it” Jinhwan replied now so close to his face that their noses rubbed.

Junhoe opened his mouth to speak but closed soon after, unable to give voice to all those thoughts that were crowding the mind.
“I can’t stop thinking about you” Junhoe said finally.

Jinhwan slowly pressed his lips to his just by touching them and then get away from him.
Junhoe wanted more, more and more, and he wanted it right away. He didn’t understand anything anymore, his mind was completely emptied and he couldn’t think but only to feel an urge desire.
Jinhwan’s fingers moved from his face to his chest but Junhoe grabbed his wrist and prevented him any movement.

“Hyung” he said in a warning tone, “I…” the younger muttered with a pain deep down his heart.
Junhoe was well aware of the fact that he wanted Jinhwan, that he was burning with the desire to love him right there right now between those sheets. But at the same time he was frightened, had a crazy fear of falling in love with him, with a man. It wasn't under control, indeed it was out of control. He didn’t know if he really wanted to be filled by those feelings or not. Whatever it was, Junhoe couldn’t even pretend the nonexistence of it. It was too strong, too powerful, too bright.
So he got up and left but Jinhwan joined him shortly after.

“Junhoe…” Jinhwan took him aside to speak with him, “what happened?”.

“This thing is wrong, hyung, is wrong” Junhoe said.

“Wrong?” Jinhwan repeated blinking, “but what are you talking about?” the index reached to touch his face but Junhoe pulled back avoiding the caress.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do it” Junhoe paused because he didn’t know how to say it.

“It’s because we’re two guys?” Jinhwan eyes widened, he couldn’t believe that was the reason. Junhoe nodded.

“I can’t do it” Junhoe felt especially bad because Jinhwan gave him a withering look.

Yet it was difficult, if not impossible, to remain there in front of Jinhwan and couldn’t do anything else. He wasn’t able to avoid the desire he had to kiss him, to avoid the fact it could make its way inside of Junhoe’s and possessed him totally as a craving.

“Are you angry with me?” Junhoe asked getting any response from the oldest member.

Jinhwan returned to his room and closed the door behind him. Junhoe did the same but lay awake most of the night. Early in the morning, he was awakened by Donghyuk who called him more than once but Junhoe showed no signs of getting out of the half-sleep permanently. Eventually, Donghyuk sat on the bed, gave him a shrug and pushed his hair tousled from his face.

“It’s time to get up” he said, “Junhoe, you have to get up!” he raised a little the tone of the voice to get his attention. But Junhoe ignored him.

“Guys, Junhoe doesn’t want to get up!” he exclaimed, and the other threw him a pillow.

“Junhoe!” Hanbin’s shrill voice startled him, “come on, come on!” he screamed removing the covers.

In the end Junhoe got up, had breakfast, washed and dressed followed by the vigilant and watchful eye of Yunhyeong.

“Junhoe” Yunhyeong called him shortly before they left the dormitory together.

“Yes?” Junhoe seemed more annoyed than usual.

“Is everything alright?” that question by Y