Title: 9/10 

The title is unique and sparks my interest. It is related to the story, and suggests the main themes of the story without giving away the plot. It did confuse me a little, as the title made it sound like the story is part of a series, yet I don't think it would be. Although it is unique, at the same time, it sounds like a typical 'mamaverse' story, and it that way, it made me lose some interest. Overall, the title worked.

Description and Foreword: 4/10

I'm sorry, but it really disliked the description.

First of all, the narration was confusing. In the first two paragraphs, it sounds like somebody living there is talking to you, and the narrator has a presence. However in the last paragraph, the narrator lacks a presence.

Already in the first line, there is a spelling error: In our days humans don't believe in magic and ancient Gods but they do belie in aliens ever since they came to Earth with claims to be our distant relatives.

The spelling error 'belie' which should be 'believe' gave me a bad impression of the story. The description is meant to give the reader an idea of the author's style and ideas, and that spelling error makes me think that there will be more errors throughout the story. If I were reading this story just for fun, I would have already stopped by now.

The next line made no sense, and was uncomfortable to read: Those seemingly nobel out of space humans who looked like they came out of a romantic fairy tale fooled society and caused much pain to the normal people but the governments were covering up the misfortunes. Even if I edit it by changing spelling errors and adding commas, full-stops etc. it is still a bit strange: Those seemingly noble, out-of-space humans, who looked like they came out of a romantic fairy tale, fooled society and caused much pain to the normal people. However, the governments covered up those misfortunes. 

The next paragraph was no better, and also had many spelling errors: In our days humans question religion and in a world where praying for better days is consifered a waste of time Airin and her friend in desperation turn to ancient beings who no one ever saw, being that are so ancient that it is considered they lived before Eragon. And the result of the sumonning...no one expected...I made some corrections: These days, humans question religion, and in a world where praying for better days is considered a waste of time, Airin and her friend, in desperation, turn to ancient beings who have never been seen before. These are beings so ancient, it is thought they lived before Eragon. The result of the summoning? No one saw it coming...

My corrections just made it a bit more grammatically correct, and there were several spelling errors.

The last paragraph is a bit better, however, 'sci-fy' should be 'sci-fi'. 

The description was okay in terms of whether it communicated the idea of the story but the writing style and the errors was frustrating to read.

Overall, the description was lacking and a bit disappointing. 

Plot: 11/15

It was an interesting plot, but it requires way too many characters. Also, some parts were just strange and unbelievable. For example, her becoming friends with Taemin was way too fast, and then developing feelings for him that quickly was also weird. The fact that her mother just happened to be an alcoholic and too drunk to care for her might have been acceptable, but then we see how cruel yet loving her mother is.

Also, to write in an alternate universe requires you to be able to communicate your setting to the audience. For example, in Harry Potter, you aren't a wizard/witch yet you somehow feel like you completely understand the wizarding world. Of course, not many people can reach J.K. Rowling's standard of writing, but my point is for a story that has legends, aliens etc. to succeed, it needs to be well written and described. I don't think that you've managed to describe this.

The fact that there are still idols in this story and the Korean Entertainment industry exists is really weird, especially since the rest of the story is very fantasy based.

The fact that Jongin just happens to be Taemin's friend was a bit strange as well.

Overall, the plot was nice, but I found it too unbelievable.

Character Development: 8/15

I think that since you had too many characters, you weren't able to write about all of them. However, I think you should have at least worked more on Airin. 

Since she is controlled by that hooded figure, her personality becomes really confusing. She is really sweet and nice and then suddenly she is being extremely rude to her friend and she's not even questioning herself.

Also, you write about Taemin as a sweet guy, but all people have flaws. He's too one-dimensional.

Given that this story is based off EXO's MAMA, you should have had more time talking about them. Yes, EXO is 12 members (I'm assuming this will be OT 12) but at least focus on a few of them? You've only really talked about Jongin, but the lack of description makes him very one-dimensional.

Also, you don't focus enough on the aliens/prince (I think they're the same?). All we know is that Adelais is alright and every other prince is arrogant and horrible. You haven't built the alternate universe well enough for the reader - who are the aliens? The Princes? What do they want? 

Overall, just too many characters and not enough development.

Writing Style: 13/20

I found your writing style really hard to read. 

Two things I found especially frustrating were dialogue and they way you refer to your characters. Although the dialogue problem falls more into the 'grammar' section, I may as well cover it here. The way that you format it is incorrect. Please use quotation marks. It becomes really frustrating to read. Also, you keep referring to people as, 'the foreigner', 'the idol', 'the girl' etc. and although using those terms once or twice is alright, you use it too much. There is nothing wrong with 'she', 'he' or simply referring to a character by their name. Or even just omit it. If two people are having a conversation, you can remind the reader of the names ever 4 or 5 exchanges. It's pretty obvious who's talking. I'm covering both points in one section of your writing:

-Ah, Airin you make me so freaking mad! - exclaimed Eun Hye.

-Why? What have I done this time? - asked the girl with a bored tone as if she had listened to this conversation over and over again.

-You have been acting too strangely. You have always been strange but lately you have become even stranger! - replied the worried girl.

-Thank you for the compliment. I feel all your love for me. - joked the foreign girl.

-Oh come on. You know what I'm talking about! Lately you have been acting more frivolously, when you say something you don't think that you might offend someone, you started acting more bravely and talking back to people....You weren't like that a week ago! - said worriedly Eun Hye.

-Oh, come on. You are overreacting...Leave it and see how it gets smashed by a car, even thought (it should be though) I had the opportunity of saving it!? - almost yelled the now annoyed girl.

'YES!!! Why is it needed to risk your life for a dog!! - yelled back Eun Hye.

Etc.....I'm just going to stop here, but there is more dialogue. 

So I've made some corrections, mainly to the formatting.

"Ah, Airin you make me so freaking mad!" exclaimed Eun Hye.

"Why? What have I done this time?" Airin replied, bored. 

"You've been acting too strangely. You've always been strange but lately you have become even stranger!" Eun Hye said, worried. 

"Thank you for the compliment. I feel all your love for me." 

"Oh come on. You know what I'm talking about! Lately you have been acting more frivolously, when you say something you don't think that you might offend someone, you started acting more bravely and talking back to people....You weren't like that a week ago!"

"Oh, come on. You are overreacting...Leave it and see how it gets smashed by a car, even though I had the opportunity of saving it!?" Airin almost yelled, annoyed.

"YES!!! Why is it needed to risk your life for a dog!!" Eun Hye yelled back.

This is the correct way to format dialogue. Just out of curiosity, why do you format it your way? I've never seen it before.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction: 15/20

This was generally alright.

You have some spelling errors along the way, but those were generally just small errors. However, you sometimes use the completely wrong word.

For example,  this sentence: Despite the fearsome events that had happened that faithful night...

'Faithful' refers to belief and worship. What you mean is 'fateful'.

In terms of grammar, you sometimes miss a comma, and although I can still understand you, the meaning of the sentence changes completely. Also, just remember about the formatting for dialogue.

You diction is okay, although sometimes you use the wrong word when replacing 'said'. 

For example, you said that the worried friend 'bawled' and although yes, the meaning of the word can fit in that sentence, it generally isn't associated to the context you put it in.

Personal Enjoyment: 1/10

I'm sorry, but I really disliked your story, and I had to force myself to keep reading. I can see that you put a lot of effort into it, and for that, I admire you, but the story was just too messy and all over the place. Writing fantasy is really challenging, and it either turns out amazing or just confusing. From the comments, I can tell that a lot of people really enjoy your writing style, so please don't feel disappointed by this score, because most people find your story amazing. 

Total Score: 61/100