SEOKJIN FORGETS BUT NAMJOON IS ALWAYS THERE TO REMIND HIM. THEIR LOVE IS ENVIED BY FATE. SEOKJIN WANTS TO LEAVE BUT NAMJOON IS ALWAYS THERE TO HOLD HIM TIGHT. THEY MIGHT NOT BE MEANT TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. BUT NAMJOON WANTS TO PROVE DESTINY IS WRONG. ALTHOUGH IT COSTS HIS LIFE. 

▬ AUTHOR: YOONMINFLY
▬ DATE PUBLISHED: FEB 4, 16
▬ CHARACTERS: SEOKJIN, NAMJOON
▬ GENRE: SLIGHT ANGST
▬ REVIEWER: SERENA

【 Title : 3.5/5 】 The title, although it does relate to the storyline, isn’t very eye-catching. It is very similar to other common titles, and doesn’t really reflect the theme of the story. I think that with your very interesting plot, it could be possible to create a better-suited title that does the story justice. However, I can see why you chose to name you story as ‘Forever Forever’.

【 Foreword : 8/10 】 I love the foreword and how it is vague enough to catch attention but still not give the entire plot away. It’s short and relates directly to the story. It introduces the characters and the plot without being too straight-forward. One suggestion is that the last line, ‘Although it costs him his life’, is a bit too revealing. Although it doesn’t tell us how he died (or if he actually will die) it throws me off a bit. Overall, the foreword was quite good.

【 Plot : 20/25 】 The storyline isn’t cliché, and is interesting and makes me want to keep reading. Your use of foreshadowing is great, and I’m glad you didn’t overuse that either. I like how you started off with an almost mysterious opening scene, that leaves the reader wondering what is happening. After all, the first chapter is the most important when people are wondering whether or not to read your work. Although I personally dislike reading , I like the way you wrote about it; it is very deep and angst.

【 Characterization : 20/25 】 Considering that there is only three chapters so far, your character development is very good. Already, I feel as though I can understand what is going through Namjoon’s mind, especially as he struggles with the guilt and love that he feels. I do suggest that you develop Seokjin’s character a bit more, especially emphasising his confusion towards what is going on in his life and his frustration as he wonders what his life used to be like.

【 Grammar/Language/Syntax : 9/10 】 Your grammar is very good, and I didn’t really notice any issues with that. Most of them were just small, and hard to notice.
For example: Namjoon loved the way Seokjin’s light-brownish bang covered his forehead.
It should be: Namjoon loved the way Seokjin’s light-brown bangs covered his forehead. 
I suggest that you vary your sentence lengths, because many of the sentences are long, and that slows down the pace of the story. Remember, sentence lengths are a tool that you can use to further improve your writing. Long sentences slow down the pace, short sentences create action, and using a variety of the two creates interest.
I noticed that most of your language is very formal and structured (as it is angst), however, occasionally, you throw in some colloquial or informal words.
For example: “Seokjin. Wow we have hmm same surname.” The ‘hmm’ throws me off a little. I would write it like:
“Seokjin. Wow, we have the same surname.” 
Or:
His heart ached, not because of jealousy but… yeah.
Maybe he’s jealous.
Please don’t use ‘yeah’ because that really throws the reader off. Also, try refraining from using an ellipsis, unless it is really necessary. I would correct it to:
His heart ached, but not because of jealousy, but because of –
He sighed. He was jealous. Just a little.
Your language is also very complicated, and although adjectives and adverbs are good, you sometimes overdo it, and then the story becomes hard to read.
For example, in this paragraph:
While Seokjin busy checking out the surrounding, a barista came with their order. By the silver tag pinned on his chest Seokjin learnt his name was Jimin. The barista look younger and shorter than Seokjin and Namjoon and also had a smile that could blind anyone. “Here’s your order. Enjoy.” Seokjin felt like Jimin’s gaze lingered a bit long on him and Namjoon repeatedly but maybe he just imagining things. The couple thanked him and Seokjin immediately reached for his drink the moment the boy was nowhere to be seen.
I would correct it to:
While Seokjin was busy looking around the café, a barista came with their orders. He looked younger and shorter than them two, and have a smile that could blind anybody.
“Here’s you order. Enjoy.”
Seokjin felt his gaze lingering on him and Namjoon, but he decided he was just imagining it.
“Thank you – ” Seokjin glanced at the man’s silver name-tag, “ – Jimin.”
He waited until Jimin was gone before eagerly reaching for his drink.
I think if you want to improve your writing, write a draft and then rewrite it, cutting out parts and rearranging the order of the sentences. Remember, ‘show, not tell.’ Also, take the chances to add extra information in a less direct way. For example, did you see how I introduced Jimin through Seokjin’s actions? This is much more subtle.
However, you are a very good author, and I think that after a little revision, your writing could be even better.
【 Style and Flow : 9/10 】 I mentioned above that your writing gives off the illusion that it is slow-paced, although really, it is moving at a good speed. I think if you fixed the sentence lengths, it would be perfect.
【 Overall Enjoyment : 8/10 】 I mentioned above that I dislike reading , however, I can see that for someone who does like , they would enjoy this story. I like the ‘I NEED U’ theme going on in the story, and I think it would be awesome if you attached a soundcloud clip of it, to really set the mood and atmosphere. You’re a really talented author, and I hope that my critiques aren’t too harsh. Good luck writing and I’m excited to see you next update!
77.5%