WHAT HAPPENS IF 26-YEAR OLD BYUN BAEKHYUN ASKS HIS EMPLOYER TO PLAY AS HIS GIRLFRIEND IN EXCHANGE FOR TRIPLING HER SALARY?

"TO HELL WITH THAT," SHE SAVAGELY REPLIED AND WALKED AWAY.

▬ AUTHOR: YICHAN
▬ DATE PUBLISHED: DEC 27, 15
▬ GENRE: ROMANCE
▬ REVIEWER: SERENA

【 Title : 2/5 】 The title itself isn’t that related to the story, after all, it only applies to Chapter 1. It isn’t that relevant, and although it was said in Chapter 1, by Chapter 3, they were already kissing and telling their deepest secrets. It also is slightly cliché and although it is attention attracting, it is the type of title which either works very well, or people will pass off as a typical story. In this case, I don’t think I would have clicked on it, however, I can see why some people would. Overall, I think the story could have had a better title, however, it serves its purpose.

【 Foreword : 7/10 】It’s short and concise, which is a good sign. Many authors do fall into that trap and write a very long foreword, and unless they are an experienced author, they generally make it sound boring. Therefore, it was great and straight to the point. However, many people who are on AFF for a while, and start becoming more particular about the stories they chose to read, including me, will be thrown off by your foreword. This is what you wrote:
 
What happens if 26-year old Byun Baekhyun asks his employer to play as his girlfriend in exchange for tripling her salary?
 
"To hell with that," she savagely replied and walked away.
 
I can already pick out a few errors, which generally stop me from reading a story. I’ve rewritten it below, putting the changes in bold.
 
What happens (What will happen) when 26-year-old Byun Baekhyun asks his employee to play as his girlfriend in exchange for tripling her salary?
 
“To hell with that.”
 
So there was a grammar issue with the use of if/when, and age wasn’t hyphenated properly (although that isn’t really an issue) and the last part of the sentence doesn’t make sense. How can he ask his employer? Why would he triple his employer’s salary?
 
So just remember to be careful when writing your foreword, because that’s really going to have an effect on the reader. I know that it sounded a little harsh, so I’ll end this on a good note. I liked how you used a rhetorical question in the foreword, because that helps to draw the reader in.
 
Overall, you could fix up the foreword a little and then it would be excellent.

【 Plot : 17/25 】 It’s cliché. Most people won’t have an issue with it though. I think that if you could throw in a few dramatic plot twists (but not those typical ones where someone has to go to hospital, there is some long-lost relation etc.) it could be a really interesting plot.
 
Imagine you’re in pre-school and you have a piece of paper from a colouring book. Everyone else in the class also has the same image. It is of a person picking flowers with a circle in the background. Most people would colour the background blue, with green grass and colour the circle yellow, like the sun. But you can think outside the box. Maybe the circle can be the moon. Maybe you’d like to draw buildings being illuminated by the background. Use this template that everyone else has and make it unique.
 
I think that you have a lovely storyline to work with, and if you can twist it and let it flow in the right directions, it could be very good.  

【 Characterization : 19/25 】 Your characters are very typical but that’s okay. Once again, use that to your advantage. Put in a twist (but nothing too crazy!) in your characterisation.
 
Here’s a piece of advice: Read over your story again, but this time, pretend you are the reader. Now, try to guess what the characters are like. Write down all those ideas on a piece of paper. The more detailed, the better. Now use that to form your character’s personalities How? Plan out your story, and every time you see something on your plan that is already on that sheet of paper, cross it out. This way, you come up with an original cast of characters. Remember, one or two typical characters is okay, but try to steer away from having completely predictable characters.
 
Now onto the characters themselves.
 
I think that I already know what these characters are like, because I’ve read about them before in other fanfictions. Baekhyun is that cold, calculating guy who will have his heart warmed by that independent heroine with a sad back-story and pretends to not care, although she actually does. Taeyeon is that pretty, clingy girl who will form a hindrance in the two’s blossoming love.
 
Overall, I think that if you continue to develop your characters, it could turn into a pretty awesome story.

【 Grammar/Language/Syntax : 7/15 】 This is where I found the most problems. Before I start, I’d just like to say that I’m awfully picky about language when I’m reading stories. If I dislike it, no matter how good the storyline is, I just won’t read it. However, please don’t be discouraged by what I mention below, instead, use it as advice when you continue writing so that you can really improve your creative writing skills.
 
Grammar: Your tenses and matching words often don’t link up. Now, I do understand that grammar is challenging when you write a lot. However, I’ve just added a random extract from your story and I’m going to correct it and point out some issues:
 
“I hate the manager. Won’t he be more considerate? I ran late because I was running errands for my studies, for Pete’s sake,” she continued ranting her hate towards her strict manager. Apparently, one more time she comes late, she’ll be fired for sure.
 
Upon entering her cold apartment, she opened the lights and didn’t even bother to change. It was 10 in the evening and the restaurant had just closed, but she still has to finish her report due tomorrow. “I guess I’m pulling an all-nighter tonight.” She sighed deeply right after grabbing herself a glass of coffee and pulling her laptop on bed.
 
It was already midnight and she was in the middle of proofreading when knocks was heard. And then again, and again. On this ungodly hour, what door-to-door seller would come? She decided to ignore the knocks and pretend she’s asleep or whatever when the knocks became louder and more persistent.
 
So, I’ve just made some changes:
 
“I hate the manager. Why can’t he be more considerate. I was late because I was focusing on my studies, for Pete’s sake,” she ranted on about her hate towards her strict manager. Apparently, if she was late one more time, she’d be fired.
 
Upon entering her cold apartment, she switched on the lights and didn’t even bother with changing. It was 10 in the evening and the restaurant had just closed, but she still had to finish her report that was due the next day. “I guess I’m pulling an all-nighter.” She sighed deeply after grabbing herself a cup of coffee and pulling her laptop onto her bed.
 
It was already midnight and she was in the middle of proofreading her essay when knocks were heard. And there it were, again and again. At this ungodly hour, it couldn’t be a door-to-door salesman. She decided to ignore the knocks and pretend she was asleep until it stopped. But it only became louder and more persistent.
 
If you look at it carefully, I’ve omitted some words, and changed others to make the language flow better.
 
Language: Sometimes, you overuse words and actions that could be expressed in one sentence, you express in several. At first, this is okay, but when it becomes repetitive, it really slows down the pace of the story.
 
Otherwise, I don’t really have an issue with your writing. I am quite impressed with your use of sentence length variations, which really made the story easier to read.
 
【 Style and Flow : 5/10 】 Personally, the flowed way to fast. I mean, she hated him in chapter one, kissed him and told him a deep secret in chapter 3, and by chapter 5, she was already jealous of Taeyeon. It was very unrealistic in that aspect. If it were me, I would have made them kiss in the tenth or so chapter and tell the secret at a later stage of the story. So remember, pace yourself. Too slow isn’t good, and too fast isn’t good either. You need to find a good pace to set your story at and stick to it. This will really improve your writing.
 
【 Overall Enjoyment : 7/10 】 This isn’t the type of story that I would read, but I can see how someone could like it. I think if you take some of the advice, I could definitely see myself enjoying this story.
 
I hope the critique wasn’t too harsh, but in my experience, harsh feedback has been the most helpful. Just remember, your story is very beautiful and good, and I’m not trying to discourage you; I’m trying to help you with your writing. Have fun with this story!
 
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