Title: 8/10

The title isn't particularly unique or eye-catching, but I think your story doesn't need an extravagent title anyway. There are a lot of stories with this title, so that's a disadvantage for you, because your story is the fifth (or so) story that comes up when I search it. I like how you explained the title in your description, however, I think it can have multiple meanings as well. 

When I first saw your title, it sounded very metaphorical, like Chae Rim is drowning in her sadness and depression (thus breathless) and Moonbin will be the one who will save her from it. Or it could be describing her feelings for him (as you said in the foreword). 

Since you've chosen a very versatile word as your title, I think it would be cool for you to experiment with different interpretations of its meaning.

Description/Foreword: 7/10

It was nice, short and concise. I liked how you didn't bother giving too much information, yet the main points were still addressed. 

There were two  issues with wording/grammar that I didn't pick up the first time, but noticed when I reread it for any mistakes.

This was the original:

Jung Chae Rim is a golden girl with a hidden secret: despite of the smiles she gives and the happy vibes people feels on her, she's a sadist. 

The first is that you should use a semicolon (;) instead of a colon (:). The difference is that a semicolon is used two connect two related sentences that can also be separated by a fullstop. It's used for emphasis or effect. However, a colon is used at the start of a list etc. 

The second is that in the second part of the sentence, the words don't fit together. 

A better way to write the full thing is:

Jung Chae Rim is a golden girl with a hidden secret: despite the smiles she gives and the happy vibes people feel around her (or it could be 'people feel from her'), she's a sadist.

I liked how you called her a 'golden girl' because Moonbin calls her that in the story as well.

One major problem was that you used the incorrect word.

A sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others, sometimes in a ual sense. Sadists like seeing other people hurt. A sadist is the opposite of a masochist, who enjoys being in pain. A sadist is all about hurting others, usually to get off ually. However, this word is about more than .

Chae Rim does not like inflicting pain on others, only herself. A sadist is specifically someone who likes seeing OTHERS hurt.

I think what you mean is that she self-harms.

Overall, I think you might need to edit the description.

Plot: 10/15

I can't give you a high mark because you haven't really begun to develop the plot yet. 

So far, I think that your build-up to the complication might be a little too slow. I think you should start referencing her problems or his problems more. You have mentioned that she feels pain sometimes and that his sister is sick, but I think you could elaborate on that.

Also, I hope you have a few plot twists along the way, otherwise the story might become a bit boring for a chaptered-fic. I think that right now, it could work as a one-shot.

You also need to create a bit of tension between the two main characters. I know that you are going for the romance-angst feel, but I think just a tiny bit could really spice up the story.

The initial idea might be slightly cliche; the idea of two people who both have problems, whether they are psychological or physical, who fall in love with eachother and heal eachother, is a bit overused. Hopefully, you put a spin on it.

Overall, there is plenty of potential for your plot.

Character Development: 6/10

Right now, I'm a little disappointed, since both of your characters have so much opportunity for development. However, I think that you are just taking it a bit slow.

I think that even for a girl who's hiding her scars, Chae Rim is too simple. Her emotions are all extremely passive. She doesn't have that breaking point and she doesn't ever experience anger and frustration. I think you need to develop her character much more. For a girl who is philosophical, you need to show that she has wisdom, not in her studies, but in life. She needs to reflect the idea of somebody who has matured too fast, who has seen the world at its worst.

Moon Bin is just too nice right now. You need to give him more dimension. He needs to expression pain, since he is falling in love with someone who hasn't seen his scars, who doesn't know his secrets. Also, his character needs to reflect one of a person who is struggling with so many problems and emotions that he has bottled up.

Overall, you characters right now are too one-dimensional.

Writing Style: 15/20

Your writing style is generally alright.

Considering this is an angst-fic, your writing suits it, as it is formal and soft.

However, even for an angst-fic, at times, the pace of your story is too slow. I think the main problem is that you tend to embellish your sentences so much that it becomes very tiring to read. 

One way you can solve this is to use a variety of sentence lengths. Right now, all your sentences are very long. Often, authors use sentence lengths to their advantange, and I think it could really help with your writing.

LONG SENTENCES: passive, slows down the pace, evokes sadness

SHORT SENTENCES: more action, speeds up pace, evokes anger, frustration

VARIETY: interesting, evokes mixed feelings, more fancy

Also, you tend to over use some words, for example: one, alone, sighed.

However, you also such a variety of words that it slows down the flow of the story, because the reader has to keep pausing.

Sometimes, you put too much description into a chapter. For example, in chapter 1:

One would think I am a reserved and elegant girl, wearing long sleeves everytime, but they thought wrong. I quite wish I could wear those sleveless shirts or crop tees to show off a bit of my skin, but the thought of them realizing that I am jaded and broken completely horrifies me. I don't need their pity. My grey sweater covered everything. It was my favorite sweater out of all the clothes I owned. It was big, comfortable- and it was made of wool. The pleasure of smelling it and intaking the fresh scent of lavender was quite refreshing. It soothes my brain into thinking. I gave a small smile to myself when I looked at the mirror. The background looked shallow and abandoned, so I looked behind. I live alone. All alone in such a fine and grand house. 

  The though of sophisticated and elegant will come to your mind when you take a glance of the house. But my room differs. It consists of dusts and blankets. Blankets cover almost every furniture in my bedroom, everything except for my bed and mirror. I took the blanket off the window and put my fingers in the window sill. The sunshine didn't ruined my mood. It gave me the sweet thought of heaven and what awaits me there. I sighed as I trailed my fingers, trailing along the dust in the glass. I looked at the view it gave, seeing a mere reflection of myself. A soft smile escaped my lips when I saw how I look like.  My gray hair looked a bit brown when it was hit by sunlight- and it emphasizes the color of my eyes.

  My relatives would often say that I am a living photocopy- a product of my parents combined. There were times when I would like my dad, and there were times when I resemble my mom. They can't put their fingers on who I take after. What makes me stand out though, they said, is my personality. My mom is a spiritual person- an introvert that had always liked to express herself in art. My dad is an extrovert and a total party animal. Then there's me. They said my personality revolved around a princess- a golden girl that would never stop smiling even if the world ends.

That is way too much for a simple description of her. You need to weave this information throughout the story, rather than just dump it in one chunk.

The house/her room can be described in several different scenes, for example, if Moon Bin visits her, he will have to see the house, and that's when you can add more information about it.

When he meets her for the first time, you can describe more about her appearance.

Small details, like the colour of her hair/eyes, that can be easily added to any scene. For example 'Moonbin looked into her ........... eyes' or 'she tucked a strand of her ........... hair behind her ear'.

Overall, I think that you should just vary your sentence lengths and incorporate the description into your writing.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction: 17/20

This section was pretty good, there were just some spelling errors:

sleveless=sleeveless

The though of sophisticated and elegant will come to your mind= 'thought'

acquiantance=aquaintance

eeriely=eerily

seducting=seducing

dilema=dilemma

Also, sometimes you use a word that doesn't fit in the sentence:

Scars had eloped themselves unto my arms to my wrists.

In this sentence, 'eloped' doesn't fit in it. This is the meaning:

to run off secretly to be married, usually without the consent or knowledge of one's parents.

I didn't notice many issues with grammar, and the consistency of the tense was pretty good.

Personal Enjoyment: 7/10

It's an awesome story, the only problem was that it was just too slow. Also, I'm not a fan of Astro. Have fun with the story XD

Total Score: 70/100