~ Baekhyun's POV

 I walk back downstairs from Taeyeon's office slowly, one stair at a time. My whole ing body is aching, my skin feels like it's about to burst and my head is filled with high screaming. My hands are shaking. Jongin runs up a few steps and helps me back down with a concerned look, again. I'm starting to think that's his neutral face, and looking calm is extremely difficult for him. "You need those pills, don't you?" he asks quietly and I shake my head. That's a lie, my mind tells me ever so kindly, thanks brain. Of course I need the pills. They keep the panic attacks away, and when I don't have panic attacks, I don't want to set fire to things. My therapist has helped out with the whole starting fires-thing, too, and Chanyeol likes to come up with something fun to do to keep my mind out of the fire.

Jongin carries half of my weight back to my old bed. Taeyeon had really missed me, and apparently a lot of... Paperwork had stacked up. I sigh deeply when I sit down and Sehun plops down next to me. "You should go back to Chanyeol", he says for the umpteenth time since I got back here last night. I shake my head. "He'll find me soon enough. But until then, I need some time to... I need some time", I say quietly and close my eyes.

Chanyeol hurt me.

The three words fill my head, I can hear them being shouted inside me.

The trust I have for pretty much anyone is like a fragile vase balanced on top of a stick. And right now, Chanyeol's trust vase is really close to falling over. Not quite, but really, really close.

"Eat up. You're pale", Jongin says and shoves a bag of chips in front of me. The chips are nearly not as good as what Chanyeol makes. I know I'm going to go back to him, eventually.

~ Chanyeol's POV

"Baekhyun... For s sake..." I mumble as I run out to my car and jump in. That ing idiot. I know he's probably gone back to his old home, but I have no idea where that is, he never let me take him all the way there. I stop the car at the corner of the street where I left him before he moved in with me. Giving zero s about the parking ticket I'll probably find when I get back, I start walking down the street ahead of me.

My head starts hurting, but I try to ignore it. You remember this feeling, don't you? When Yixing disappeared?

...

He's not picking up. Why isn't he picking up? His phone isn't even ringing, why has he turned it off? Has it run out of battery? I look at the clock - this isn't right, he should be home by now. I sit down on the couch and cover my face. I need to calm down, he's okay, maybe he's just stuck cleaning at the café. Four hours past the closing time. I stare at the clock and eventually, at around two, even coffee can't help me stay up. I pass out on the couch.

"I'm sorry. Yixing left in time yesterday evening, I don't know where he went after that."

The café's manager's words hit me in the chest and stuff a rock up my throat. "I thought he'd come straight home to you. I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll find him", she says with a comforting smile. I can barely manage to nod before leaving the café, exchanging the scent of warm coffee and tea to the cold air and the wind that pinches my entire skin. Or maybe that's just the anxiety, the worry that something happened to him.

The police station won't declare him missing yet. "He has to be missing for 24 hours", they tell me. I run around to see everyone Yixing could possibly know, who he could have possibly gone to spend the night with. A terrible idea pops into my head.

He's left me. He's cheating on me.

"No, no, no", I keep telling myself as I walk the way from the café back to our apartment for the tenth time in the last few hours. "He's not like that. And I'm a good boyfriend", I whisper to myself and wipe away the huge pools of tears forming underneath my eyes. I stop on the bridge that crosses the river, everything looks too blurry for me to see anything and a rock is still lodged in my throat. "Yixing please. Come back home", I whisper to myself and lean on the railing.

Anger starts to boil deep inside of me. What if he did leave me? What if he's ran away with someone much better? "Yixing!" I scream out, as if the river could answer and tell me where he is. I cover my face and sob quietly. I know people are staring, but I couldn't care less. He's missing, he's gone, and I want him back right ing now.

A hand lands softly on my back, and I flinch up from the railing to turn around and look. A surprised young woman looks back with his hand raised. "I'm sorry, are you okay?" she asks softly and I wipe away the tears in my eyes one more time.

...

I shake my head and snap awake from the memories. The world looks blurry. I rub my eyes softly and look at the water on my fingertips - I cried. I shouldn't cry over that anymore. It's in the past. I've gotten over it, right?

"Baekhyuunn!" I call out to the empty street and look around, listening carefully. If I don't find him, I'll have to go tell the police and I'm pretty damn sure they won't let Baekhyun come back home with me.

I don't know how many hours I have spent, trying to find him, but the sun is setting, my feet are shaking from walking around all day and my work shift starts soon. I should call Joonmyun and tell him I'm suddenly really really sick or something, I can't just spend the next 24 hours at work while Baekhyun is out by himself. Or, more likely, with criminals who are going to tempt him to go back to starting fires and risking his and others' lives.

I drop down on a bench in the same park where I found him burning leaves. I bury my face into my hands and rub the dried tears that only stopped flowing a few moments ago. This can't be it. Baekhyun cannot just disappear from me without a trace, I've had that once before, I can't take it anymore. Even the one time was one too many.

I lean down on my knees and look at the ground, exhausted. I only have an hour before I'd have to go to work. Why couldn't he just have stayed home and we could've talked about things this morning? Teardrops blur my eyes again and a few of them fall on the ground. "Why are you so ing cruel? Is this some sort of sick joke to you? Are you having fun taking away everyone who I want to take care of? Because guess what, I swear, if he's gone, I'm ing done. If you don't bring him back to me, I'll be done playing this twisted game of yours", I whisper to... Someone. Something. Even if those things don't exist.

My footsteps back to my car are slow. My legs feel weak. By now I'm pretty sure I'm not in the condition to go to work, where I need to stay focused and awake. I slide into the front seat and sit in the car for a minute before turning it on and driving back home. Maybe, just maybe, if this world hasn't completely given up on me...

~ Baekhyun's POV

As soon as I get home, I sit down on the living room couch with a small cup of tea. Chanyeol isn't home yet. He's probably out looking for me. Going back to Sehun and Jongin and Taeyeon wasn't a good idea. But at least it made me realize how much better this place is, how much better it is to live with Chanyeol and that I really have to try to get better. This is the life I want. No panic attacks and no pyromania, because those things are not who I am. I used to think that they were, and that pushing them away was denying myself. They aren't who I am. They're the exact opposite. They're keeping me from discovering who I actually am.

The tea burns my tongue a little when I gulp it down, but I don't mind. I've missed the warmth of this place for the whole, what, less than a day I've been away? But even more than I wanted to come back to this warm house that I've learned to call home, I wanted to see Chanyeol again. I want to let him know I forgive him. I touch my cheek softly where Chanyeol accidentally hit me. The swelling is almost gone, even though the bruise is still visible. It isn't broken, I've broken my jaw before and this isn't as painful, which wakes up a spark of hope that when Chanyeol saw me instead of Jongin, his body tried to stop it, even if in the end it couldn't.

I grab a fluffy blanket that's thrown across the armrest of the couch and wrap it around myself, carefully and with some difficulty since one of my hands is holding a cup of tea. It has a soft sheep wool fabric on one side and a thinner, silky fabric with baby animal prints on the other side. There are puppies and kittens and lambs (I can't help but sense some irony in that) and baby birds. There's a small logo of a toy store sewn to one of the corners. Why does Chanyeol have something like this, he's a grown man and I don't think he has children. I mean yeah, it's cute as hell and fluffy and feels like you're hugging an actual sheep, but... Well, maybe it isn't that hard to understand why he bought this. I sip the tea again and take a deep breath.

The teacup is empty surprisingly soon, and my eyelids start to droop as soon as I set it down on the coffee table. I yawn a little and close my eyes in defeat, giving in to the sweet temptation of sleep.

I don't know how long I've been napping, but when I wake up, I feel like I'm shaking. Am I cold? The blanket is still around me, I'm even sweating, why am I... I open my eyes and immediately get startled by the tuft of hair in front of me. I shuffle a little and feel a pair of familiar hands around me. "Chanyeol", I whisper and Chanyeol looks at me with tears in his eyes. My heart sinks at his red eyes and his trembling lower lip. "Baekhyun. Please. Don't... Don't run away", he whispers and holds me a little tighter, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I release my hands from underneath the blanket (and Chanyeol's arms) and hug Chanyeol softly, and soon enough a few tears roll down to my cheeks. Chanyeol wipes them away with his thumb and takes a deep breath. "Are you okay?" he asks quietly and I nod. I must've really scared him. "I'm sorry I made you concerned, I just..." I whisper before Chanyeol cuts me off. "Don't you dare. Don't say you're sorry. I'm the only one who should be apologizing. And believe me, I could say sorry a thousand times and I'd still feel like . I'm sorry", he says quickly before taking a deep breath. Our eyes meet and I reach out my hands to wipe away the light residue from his lashes and the corners of his eyes. "I forgive you. And I'm sorry too, no matter what you say", I mumble and get up slowly with Chanyeol's arms still around me. The blanket falls slowly back to the couch. He's still wearing his coat and shoes, both covered in tiny glistening waterdrops, and his hair is wet. A quick look outside from the huge windows later I realize it's raining and the sound of water hitting the roof seems to intensify. "Ah . I... Your shirt is wet", he mumbles and I look down at the dark gray shirt sticking to my ribcage. "I-it's fine! I'll go change", I assure him and flash a quick smile. Chanyeol smiles too and lets out a short laugh, so small it could be mistaken for a breath. "I'll cook something for you, but then I need to get to work", he says and I nod. "Okay. I'll uhh. I'm going to go and... Get changed", I mumble quietly and head to my room while Chanyeol removes his coat and shoes.

I walk out of the bedroom with a dry top and a big blue sweater over it. I found it in one of the closets in the bedroom and since it's my room, I guess I'm allowed to use it? I walk to the kitchen. "Hey", Chanyeol says and takes a quick look at me. A few seconds pass by as he looks at the food on the pan again before he turns to look at me again for a longer while. "That's mine, isn't it?" he asks and smiles a little. I nod and walk over to the table slowly. "You're borrowing my clothes, this is like something out of a cheesy romance movie", he says with a wide smile. "If you don't want me to wear it, I can take it off", I say, maybe I shouldn't have taken this? Chanyeol shakes his head and takes out a plate, pouring a large serving of wok on it. "It's fine. It doesn't fit me anymore, I don't know why I've kept it", he says quietly, eyeing me for a moment. He sets the plate down in front of me with utensils and two pills next to them. Our eyes meet again. He seems reluctant to leave. "Uummm. Eat. Drink. Sleep. Just... Take care of yourself and be okay and safe when I get back, okay?" he asks. "Okay", I say and smile a little. My therapist told me a while ago that even faking a smile can make you feel better, so now I just try to flash one even if they're not real. Chanyeol smiles back, presses a soft kiss on my forehead and leaves the kitchen. I start eating and listen carefully as Chanyeol leaves the house, closing the door behind him and leaving me into an awkward silence.

My hand stops in the middle of the way to my mouth and the bite of food falls back to the plate as my heart skips a beat out of the blue. The realization hits me just as surprisingly - Chanyeol kissed me.

Okay it was a kiss on the ing forehead but it was a kiss. This time I don't have to fake a smile and oh my god, it feels so amazing to smile for real.

After eating and washing the dishes quickly, I take the pills and toss them down with a large chug of water. I walk into the living room, lie down on the couch and turn on the TV. Using one feels so weird, before Chanyeol happened I only saw the occasional news report from a convenience store Sehun was about to rob. There's a sci-fi movie playing. I take a deep breath and relax.

The movie was long, I think to myself and look up at the clock. It's 9pm, early, but I could really use a good night's sleep after the last 24 hours. I turn off the TV, rub my eyes lightly and wander off to the door leading to my bedroom, but after a small moment of by brains ticking I head back down the hallway and stop at Chanyeol's bedroom's door. He won't find out, right? And even if he did, who the hell cares, it's just a bed. I open the door a little and step inside.

Chanyeol's bed is huge. It looks softer than the clouds and warmer than the sun. There are three huge pillows laying against the headboard and at least two warm covers are neatly tossed over the bed. The textiles are all light gray, white and green, and remind me of nature. The door closes behind me as I get on all fours and crawl to the dead center of the bed. I inhale deeply and shuffle around a little, good food combined with pills combined with a silent house makes me feel drowsy even after taking that nap earlier. And when I'm surrounded in the comfortable scent of Chanyeol all around me, I fall asleep within minutes.

I open my eyes in a dream and regret falling asleep.

---

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter. ALSO I realized I ed up some time ago and I needed to change some stuff out, I'm pretty sure nothing drastic has changed, just the order in which I tell stuff?? also 400 views! (o///o) Okay bye bye now ~

edit: I added the names to the POV-change things, please please please let me know if there's a mistake somewhere, just saying that because I'm really tired (I was up all night reading another fic and only slept from like 7am-9am so aahh :'D)