Sorry I haven't update in a while. I wanted to make a chapter different each time. Instead of a continuous plot, my story will be mostly a flashback into their sweet memories. Soon, I will start doing the plot where Jiyeon comes into the story, you will be surprised on how she will make the entrance. Until then, please continue reading Hyunseung's beautiful memories. Kindly listen to Brown Eyed Girls - Cleansing Cream to make you understand this chapter better.

Enjoy this mother - son moments.

It hurts, it hurts,
my closed heart hurts a lot and a lot;
Oh my honey, honey baby,
what should I do next?

Junhyung ah, what should I be doing now? These days I’ve spent it by hurting myself that I don’t even know what to do with myself. I think I should just die right? If just die, I wouldn’t be worrying so much about you.

People around me always end up getting hurt. I didn’t only hurt mommy Jae and daddy Yun, I hurt you because I’ve been lying to you all these while. If you knew, you would probably keep asking me, ‘Why did you do that Hyunseung?’

I’ve had enough with these pains. I’m getting sicker just thinking about it. Isn’t it enough that I’m dying already? Why is it so much fun making me sick? I’m already booking a ticket to the graveyard.

But truly Junhyung, I really wanted to tell you. It wasn’t my intention to make you hate me. It’s just that; I don’t want to die knowing you feel bad because of me. It’s better die knowing you hate me; because I’m used of having you hate me.

Please don’t hate me as I’m leaving. I swear I was just trying to keep you save. Maybe for someone like you scarification isn’t that important, but for me; as long as you’re happy, I’m happy. Love -to others it’s so easy. To me it’s like an inerasable tattoo.

I know I sounded so ing cliché with my words, but I’m telling the truth. Don’t hate Jiyeon because it’s not her fault. Well, I’m having doubts that you would blame her. You probably love her too much to even lay a finger on her.

After all, she’s the one that’s dying, right Junhyung? Sorry for being so sarcastic even when I’m gone. I can’t help feeling sad that you once said those words to me. We both know she had a chance to survive. But you treat her as if she’s about to die any minute.

If only you know it was me who’s been waiting to die. If only you had paid attention to what I said to you the night on my birthday. If only you know how much I love you and how much I wanted you. If only I could live longer…

Why Junhyung? Why did you leave me alone even when I’m telling you the truth? Why did you pick her over me? Why Junhyung? Why did you do this to me? Oh dear Junhyung, if only you know the truth… Oh Junhyung, oh dear.

Until now, I refuse to acknowledge the truth. Because the truth has repeatedly hurt me, I want to trust those lies. I never wanted to trust the truth anymore. Please I ask of you, don’t trust it too. Or you will die like me. But so what if I died, in the end, it was me who lived a painful love.

My heart hurts, it hurts. So much that’s it’s too much. What should I do with this painful heart? Tell me, so what should I do next Junhyung?

_*_

SEPTEMBER 2006

It’s the night before the night of Hyunseung’s birthday. Junhyung rest his head in his bed trying to figure out what he should buy for Hyunseung. He knew that Hyunseung hates fancy things. Hyunseung doesn’t like expensive stuffs too.

What should he do now? The past years he had been wrong about Hyunseung’s taste in presents. He started giving Hyunseung birthday presents since year 2000, the first time they celebrated Hyunseung’s birthday since they become friends.

“Ah! Tell what to do. God, tell me what to do.” Junhyung mumbled to himself. At this late night, he doubted anyone would hear him. But Junhyung was wrong. He was laying upside down in with his head reaches the floor and his lower half on the bed when Mrs. Yong knocked.

Junhyung looked up to his mom. “Hi mom,” he smiled sourly. “Alright honey, what’s wrong now?” Mrs. Yong or her name Soyoon reached the bed and asked her son to sit. Junhyung sighed before sitting down next to his mom.

He’s still having problems with what he wanted to buy on Hyunseung’s birthday. Its two days away and also, he only have one day left to buy or even make something. Soyoon noticed the face of her oldest son that shows a lot of worry.

“Let me guess, is this anything that concerns your girlfriend?” Soyoon bluntly guessed. Junhyung eventually stammered, “G-girl-girlfriend?” He stood up and looked at his mom with a look that says is she for real?

“What makes you think that it’s about a girl?” Junhyung walked towards the small window at the corner of his room. If it’s not as cold as any other nights, he would sure be out on the small verandah he had and stare towards where Hyunseung’s house is located at.

From where his room is set, he could see Hyunseung’s house. Even if it’s set a kilometer away, but because the only thing that’s in between their house is a wide field that nobody bought, he still could see the big house at the end of their town.

Soyoon; clumsy as she is wondered out loud, “Are you trying to say that you’re gay?” Junhyung almost died listening to her mother’s comment. Why did she even go that far? “You know honey, if you are confused with your uality, you can always talk to me.”

“Mom, I think it’s enough!” Soyoon smiled to her son softly. She stood up and stood next to her 181cm tall son. “It’s okay. I guess you really dislike those girls like all the neighbors told me.” Junhyung couldn’t believe that his mother is talking about his uality.

“Who told you that?” he almost vent out his anger. Soyoon got confused and all blurred again, “Well the neighbors children told their mom you always glared at those girls who cheered for you during your basketball games.”

“Mom, they were harassing Hyunseung. They’re making fun of my best friend. That’s why I glared at them. They’re bunch of fake girls.” Junhyung walked to the other side of the room, “And what makes you think that I’m gay?” he sighed again and slammed his back on his bed.

Junhyung rested his hands behind his head sighed, “I’m just all bummed up you know. Hyunseung’s birthday is in two days and I still haven’t figure out what I should buy for him. Mom, what if he hated the present I’m about to buy?”

Soyoon smiled. So her son isn’t having any middle age teenager crisis like she previously thought. And to think her son is gay, Soyoon smiled as she went closer to the bed. “So this messed is just about giving Hyunseung’s birthday present?”

“Mom, it’s not just about giving Hyunseung a perfect gift. It’s everything. It all mattered. This seventeenth birthday has to be perfect for him.” Junhyung lift himself up and leaned against the wall next to his bed. He took his basket ball and started messing around with it.

“I mean, when I gave him the Valentino Versace’s coat that we bought in Milan, he vent out his anger and said that I spent too much. I made Hyunseung unhappy on his sweet sixteenth. I am not making the same mistake this year.” He spins the ball again at the end of his fingertip.

“Honey, remember when we’re in Milan and you said that Versace’s read coat would fit Hyunseung perfectly and I told you to think about it?” Soyoon tried to make her son remember and Junhyung nodded.

“Well, I already pictured that would happen. And it did.” She gave her son an assuring smile. Junhyung tilted his head. “What do you mean?” Soyoon could just laugh hearing how admirely cute his son is.

“Honey, what I’m trying to say is that maybe Hyunseung doesn’t need all that expensive stuffs. You’ve been friends since kids. Have you ever seen him so pumped up watching some branded European stuff? No, am I right?” Soyoon made a guee.

Junhyung whispered softly, “Yeah, no.” He’s agreeing to what his mom said. Soyoon can only smile when she knew she was right. “So, instead of spending moneys on him, why don’t you give him something that he could reminiscences for the rest of his life?”

Soyoon bit her lips together as she looked at his son. Junhyung were thinking about what his mom has been saying. Maybe she’s right. He needs to show Hyunseung that only he can make Hyunseung happy. Only Junhyung can love Hyunseung after Hyunseung’s parents.

“I think you’re right mom. Thanks. Maybe this year Hyunseung wouldn’t be all moody about how much I spent.” Junhyung went to hug his mom. Soyoon caressed her son’s back as she hope for happy things for both Junhyung and Hyunseung.

“Well, off you go to sleep.” Soyoon patted her son’s back. Junhyung nodded laid back to sleep. She gave her son a goodnight kiss before she left the room. As Soyoon was about to close the door, she realized from Junhyung’s window, a small house can be seen.

That house is Hyunseung’s house. Soyoon could only smile to herself. Ever since she met Hyunseung years ago at the orphanage home, she knew Hyunseung is different. She also knew about the disease that Hyunseung had, since she kept the records of past children.

Sometimes when she sees the two together, she wondered if Hyunseung ever told anyone about his disease. Soyoon hope that Junhyung would hear it from Hyunseung, his best friend. She never saw Junhyung so happy. Not with anyone else in this town; just Hyunseung.

But Soyoon also doesn’t want Junhyung to mourn all his life because of how much love he had for Hyunseung. Whenever she saw that love sparks Hyunseung gave Junhyung, she just wanted to tell Junhyung that she also sees that love sparks in Junhyung’s eyes.

Soyoon always pray that the two would be together. That’s why she kept on leading Junhyung into believing that he’s gay. She intends to get them together; not just as best friends, but lovers too. She is also certainly not that blurred and clumsy.

Soyoon just doesn’t want their love become too impossible that it’s already too late for them.

_*_

Hyunseung stared on the transparent ceiling above him. In the beginning, it was his parent’s sky gazing place. But when they found out Hyunseung’s preference of astronomy, they insisted to turn that place into a bedroom.

Tonight, it’s not raining like it used to. Hyunseung was sure that it would keep on raining as they reached winter. And soon, the rain will turn into snow and block his view. Until then, he can only admire the stars beauty.

Why don’t you try to guess which stars that Hyunseung loved the most? It may sound cliché but it’s the truth. So are you ready to know? Well, the stars that Hyunseung loved the most are the stars that are brighter than any other stars.

When there are five stars that formed the word ‘w’ in the sky, they will shine the brightest. That’s what we call Cassiopeia. For Hyunseung, the five stars represent his birth mom, mommy Jae and daddy Yun. It also represents himself and his love, Junhyung.

There are times when he thinks dying faster would be the only cure, he would always look up and realized that life is worthy at that moment. Dying is not really an option. He’s the selected few.

Sometimes Hyunseung wondered if knowing his death is a help or a burden. It took him years to understand it but he finally did. Hyunseung realized that knowing his death also means that he would have the chance to cherish the people he loves.

As for those whose waiting in line to die, but doesn’t really know when; it’s unlucky for them. Hyunseung thinks that it’s a blessed he’s able to live his life before he died. Those people that think they would live forever wouldn’t even know when they will die. But Hyunseung knew.

Sometimes just by looking at the stars, Hyunseung realized important things about life in ways that even he couldn’t imagine. That made him matured far from his age. Well, he is trying to live his life before he reached twenty.

Then his thoughts shifted to Junhyung. He remembered his best friend being so nice and so lovable. It wasn’t long enough to know that he’s in love with the only person that called him by his unique nickname, ‘goddess.’ Hyunseung could only smile at the thought.

“What’s with that cheeky smile Hyunseung honey?” Jaejoong’s voice can be heard near the door. He watched his only son lying down on the bed probably gazing at the stars again. The startled Hyunseung immediately answered his mom.

“Just thinking?” Hyunseung answered, most likely answering the question with another question which is probably not a very good move. Jaejoong walked towards his son, “Honey, maybe it’s time to tell him.”

Hyunseung knew where this conversation is going. He will not let his mom to start talking about a love that he could never reach. “Forget it mom, I doubt he’s gay.” Jaejoong could never understand how his son is thinking.

“Maybe he’s not. But I still think he should be told about your condition. I mean, he deserves to know the truth.” Jaejoong thought out loud. Hyunseung’s sudden outburst shocked his mom. “Tell him what mom? That I’m a dead walking boy that couldn’t even tell my best friend I’m in love with him? If that’s it I can just die and make everyone’s life less miserable!”

Hyunseung started sobbing and sniffing as he crashed into his mother’s embrace. Jaejoong was speechless. He doesn’t know what he should do to comfort his only son. He thought the boy had it alright.

Jaejoong knew how much Junhyung meant to Hyunseung. Ever since they became friends, Hyunseung is devoted to dedicate his life for Junhyung; but with a slight problem. Jaejoong knew Hyunseung doesn’t have all of his life to give to Junhyung.

Sometimes Jaejoong and his husband Yunho wished that they could give their life to Hyunseung, so that their baby would be able to love Junhyung without any guilt that he would leave him.

Being Hyunseung’s mom for the past seven years really teaches Jaejoong the real meaning of life. Back then, when Yunho’s parents disapprove their relationship, Jaejoong just wanted t o die. But seeing Hyunseung so desperately wanting to live for Junhyung’s love changed him.

It took him so long to comfort his son but Jaejoong finally did. “I don’t even have the chance tell him I love him.” Hyunseung cried. “I know honey, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Jaejoong burst into tears alongside his son. That night, Jaejoong comfort his son until the moment Hyunseung fell asleep.

_*_

Junhyung ah, even after so many times I’ve been through this, I still couldn’t make myself to forget you. My hearts hurts, and you’re still nowhere to be found. Is this really the end?

AUTHOR

I've been told that many of you want Hyunseung to be alive in the end. I'm not sure if it will end that way, I will probably wait for your response to my new idea of this story. This is regard to making the story M-Preg, meaning that there would be a rated 18 abve scene. If my readers are against of this idea, i will not make the story like that. It's all up to you guys. Please do tell me.

Oh, and one more thing, just to kill my curiousity. I want to ask you Beauties out there. I read a fansite (forget the portal already) that says many are against Hyunseung's y dancing in Trouble Maker. I'm against it too actually (Because it seems like they killed Hyunseung's innocent image)

But anyhow, the fansite wrote something about Doojoon. They said that "Doojoon are strongly against this Trouble Maker idea at first because he doesnt want Hyunseung being criticizes by netizens. Doojoon wanted to keep Hyunseung's image but since the company are soo willing he had no choice."

I just wanna ask, is this true? If it's true, I'm glad for Doojoon looking out of s, but if it's not Please stop it. Many fansites write so many specualtive answer that I don't know what to trust.

ANYWAY, keep reading and please comment on your thoughts. (SUBSCRIBE TOO >.<)