The bar is dark and hushed - like midnight, or the moments just before sleep takes over and everything in your world goes black. But it’s not peaceful, it’s just deafening – to Jungkook the sensation is similar to fingernails scratching along a chalkboard. He’s scared, alone, and brokenhearted.

Jungkook had been fine. He’d been just fine. For the last 12 months, 365 days, 8765 hours he'd been fine, ing fine when the letter came. That ing letter came -- but before then, before then, before the letter, he was fine. Okay, that was a lie, he wasn't fine not at all -- but his acting skills were totally on point.

He ed up, he threw away the best thing he’s ever had.

He’s an idiot.

Yes a world class, A-1, stupid-faced idiot.

The drink burns as it goes down. It always does, but the sting isn’t from the alcohol – it’s because he knows that no matter how much liquor he consumes he’ll never be able to forget the look in Taehyung’s eyes. The pain in his eyes was like poison piercing Jungkook’s soul. Even now, almost a year later, he still feels the pang. He can’t forget the way the tears painted wet streaks down Taehyung’s beautiful features as he asked, “Did you ever love me?”

Jungkook never answered - just stood there stunned, silent, staring, as Taehyung cried harder, pounding him in chest begging him to answer, to just “say something.”  He didn’t answer when Taehyung fell limp in his arms, tired from fighting, tired from being the only character in their two person act, tired from loving someone who, “Can’t love anything that’s not yourself.” And when the older man finally says, the words that Jungkook was most terrified of hearing, “Let’s break up.” Jungkook still said nothing.

He had tried to speak, but couldn’t -- his words were lost, stranded on the deserted island of his guilt. Guilt for breaking Taehyung’s heart, guilt for robbing the man of his sunshine smile. Guilt for loving his freedom, his career, his future, more than the man who made every moment of every day worth living.

I’m a ing idiot.

He takes another shot or five. He’s not really counting. Jungkook doesn’t know how many times he has slammed the glass on the counter in a silent demand for the bartender to refill.

His head hurts.

The room’s spinning.

How many drinks have I had?

Jungkook starts to speak and his voice is loud, he can hear it – but he doesn’t understand what he’s saying.

Am I even using words?

He’s not sure, but people are crowding him asking if he’s okay.

No.

I’m not. It hurts. I hurt.

He’s not okay.

He doesn’t have Taehyung.

It will never be okay.

He’s an idiot.

The agony he feels inside is blinding and – are the lights flickering? Patches of dark blink in between the light.  

“How much has he had to drink?” an unknown voice asks.

Jungkook doesn’t hear the answer because the darkness is beginning to consume him and he embraces it and reaches out for it. There is no pain in the shadows, in the abyss he can breathe because the ache of his mistake can’t find him here.

Jungkook hears the impact rather than feels it.

He’s wounded, he thinks.

His head is like a balloon with too much helium, only instead of floating Jungkook finds himself falling, slipping away and he wonders if he’s invisible. “Holy he’s bleeding,” is the last thing Jungkook hears before his eyes close, and he hopes he never opens them again.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

His eyes flutter open, but the light is too bright. He closes them again.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Where am I?

“Jungkook-ah,” a voice calls him and the sound is familiar and comforting, but he can’t place it.

His lids open a tiny crack.

Damn, why is it so bright?

Someone is standing over him, the owner of the voice – he assumes.

The man’s eyes are worried and beautiful and Jungkook has the sudden urge (no, need) to reach out and touch, to run his fingers along the angled jaw – but he doesn’t because he doesn’t know who the man is…  But despite that he misses that smile, that face, those eyes. He misses--

Who are you?

Jungkook can’t speak - his throat feels dry and it hurts to swallow. The man above him looks apprehensive and Jungkook feels guilty, he wonders if he should apologize and make amends. But for what? A dull pain in his head is forcing his eyes shut once again and Jungkook tries to fight the hostile takeover of his body, but it’s to no avail as the darkness claims him once again.

He wakes up the second time to voices and the same damn overly bright light.

“He’s been out for a while, is that normal?” It’s that same familiar yet unfamiliar voice.

“Well he did take a nasty knock to the head, and his most recent MRI shows some swelling. So, in answer to your question, yes, this is very normal. His body is trying to heal, and in order for it to do that he may fall in and out of consciousness. But you don’t need to worry there are no signs of bruising or bleeding ” Another unrecognizable voi