Andy was sitting in his office alone. There had not been any patients today, he had made sure his secretary kept his schedule clear. He was almost done, just a few more touches and his baby would be ready.

He was more nervous about turning this in to the publisher than he had been the day he presented his thesis before graduation, but Junho’s tail was one that had to be shared. It was a tale of inspiration, of self-growth.

He sighed, looking away from the laptop and to the picture frames he kept on his desk.  One was of a pretty woman, small face, short hair, lashes that when on for miles and a smile that would make any man swoon. It wasn’t just her smile, she was a good friend, a good companion. And the reason guilt consumed him every single day when he woke up and the first thing he saw was her face.

He opened his locked drawer next, digging under the papers and coming out with a different picture. This one was a lot more worn-out, fold marks on it from when he used to carry it around in his wallet hidden behind his ID card. It was the last picture he had of the both of them together, the last one before he finally had enough and left. They were both smiling, the curly hair chocolate ball Andy had gotten him as a present bouncing happily between the two. Gomdori; that was the name they had chosen for the little puppy.

His heart felt heavy, like it usually did whenever he thought of him.

Perhaps that was the reason he wanted to tell Junho’s story so much, why he had been so ecstatic when Junho had accepted to allow him to go public with it, to immortalize it in the form of literature and share it with the world. Junho had been able to do what he never had the balls to do, and though he was sure said book would not make it to the list of best sellers he was positive it would bring some sort of comfort to those out there that like him, were to scare and afraid of criticism and segregation to show the world who they really were.

Junho’s tale was one that need it to be told and Andy was planning on doing just that.

He put the picture back in its place, took a sip of his now cold and stale coffee and looked at the screen once more, scrolling up to the start of the chapter he had been working on, and with a heavy sigh he began to read.

I was fine. Freak out, insecure, neurotic and emotional.

I don’t know who came up with that acronym but I’m sure whoever did, had no idea how true those words would hold. 

My moment of sanity didn’t last very long; moving out one of the actions in the series of irrational decisions I had made. Paying my parents an impromptu visit was another one. Neither could I take back; but according to my doctor they were good decisions made for all the wrong reasons.

I was back on the pills.

I protested at first. I didn’t want to be numb again, I didn’t want to feel like I was on a constant high, riding the waves rather than break them like I should have been doing. Dr. Lee promised the ones he was prescribing were different. Strong enough to keep me in check but not to turn me into a mindless zombie.

Still…

I understood why he made me take them again.

When I was in that apartment alone, with no one but the furniture to keep me company. At times, it really felt like the four walls were closing in on me. When there was nothing but silence to greet you when you got home, when your meals consisted of something you just heated in the microwave, sitting on the couch watching some really bad TV… it was hard to remain optimistic. So easy to just fall back on old habits.

The first step is admitting you need help.

Bull. Admitting you need help was also admitting that the you fear was wrong with you was real.  That you were a broken thing that need it repair.

There was a knock on the door but the desire to get up and see who it was wasn’t there. Though I had a pretty good idea.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Even louder now and I got up from my spot on the couch with a grunt. It was my day off, which meant putting effort into being active wasn’t required, but I knew of one person so persistently annoying that hard as I try to ignore I wouldn’t be able to have my way.

I opened the door and he barged in. He glared in my direction, complaining about the cold and how he came all this way just to see me, and how grateful I should be.

“What do you want Woo?”

“I’m here to take your ungrateful out of this cave you called a home.” He said, scrunching up his nose in disgust. “Do you own an air freshener? Maybe some scented candles? It’s stuffy in here”

“It smelled just fine before you barge in. So why are you here? I don’t remember inviting you over”

"Because if I don't you'll rot and the only thing we'll find left would be your mutilated corpse from which the rats would have gotten a feast. Maggots would be pouring from every hole in your body and when they asked why no one bother to try and help you I would like to be able to say that I at least try"

“You are sick”

“I know. Now go get ready, we got somewhere we have to be”

“A book?”

Wooyoung asked, surprised, and I answer with a simple nod. Somehow the holidays had snuck in and I had not even noticed. They had decorated the apartment with a white Christmas tree covered in blue and silver ornaments of all shapes and sizes. It was scandalous, but it seemed to fit right in. It made me feel nostalgic, as if I was missing something I could have easily been a part of if only I had chosen to. They had told me I could come over as much as I please, but it wasn’t the same.

Chansung and Nichkhun were in the kitchen, the smell of something comforting and delicious coming from that direction and MinJun was making a big deal of trying to rearrange the Christmas presents in order of size and color. Something about it looking better in the picture. No one paid him any mind. As per usual.

“Yeah, Dr. Lee asked me if he could use my case for this book he was working on”

“Isn’t that illegal?” Wooyoung continued on questioning “Something about Dr. and patient confidentiality or something?”

“Not if Junho agrees to release the information, is he going to use your name?”

Nichkhun placed a bowl filled with sweets and nuts in the coffee table. It was the first time I was getting a good look at him. He's watched out jeans seem to go on forever as they hug every inch of his ridiculously long legs, a horribly bright yellow apron worn over an even more hideous red sweater should have made him look ridiculous, but instead it made him look even more endearing. He looked my way and my gaze dropped, feeling the familiar heat in my cheeks.

We had agreed on keeping our distance. More my decision than his but he had understood.

Is not that I regretted what happened between us, but things were just moving too quickly way too fast and I needed time to process it all.  Khun was a good guy, a decent guy, and sure was good and he understood me in a way probably no one else could but that didn’t mean he knew me. Not really.

We need it time. Time to get to know each other better, time to see if this was really what we wanted, not just what we thought we need it.

Wooyoung tsk and my attention was back to him. He smiled knowingly, looking between me and Khun and murmuring something inaudible, but that I was sure I didn’t want to hear.

“So is he going to use your name?” He pressed on, trying to return to the previous topic.

“Used his name for what?” MinJun asked at the same time that Chansung walked into the living room holding a spoon and searching for someone to use as a guinea pig.

I smiled. I couldn’t help myself. Yet there was one face I had yet to see. One encounter I couldn’t put off any longer.

“I’m surprised to see you here”

There were always loose ends that need it tiding, we as human always procrastinated, leaving things undone that require our attention. Sometimes because we were too lazy to deal with them, always finding something more interesting to do. But most times, it was because we simply didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

I didn’t know how to deal with Taec. I didn’t know how to deal with how it still made me feel when he was near. Taecyeon was a big part of my past, and getting rid of my past was not only impossible but something I was unwilling to do. What I had dealt with made me who I was, though imperfect and broken, it was still me.

“Wooyoung dragged me here”

“And why am I not surprised?”

“Are you mad?”

“Should I be?”

I was staring at his profile, fighting the urge to press my finger on that dimple on his cheek. I wonder what he was thinking about. He had not come out of his room and eventually I made the decision to go after him.

“I didn’t bring a present for anyone”

“Knowing you, you didn’t even know it was Christmas Eve”

I dropped my gaze embarrassed and he chuckled. Was I really that predictable? I glanced at Taecyeon, returning his smile. No, I wasn’t predictable. Taecyeon just knew me well enough to figure it out.

“Did you buy me a present?”

“Nope.” He answered with no hesitation “I knew you would come empty handed”

He got up from his desk and I noticed he was wearing a different version of the same ugly sweater that Khun had been wearing. He followed my gaze and tug at the helm of the sweater. His was a florescent green cable-knit that looked even worse on his huge frame.

“What? I like it!”

“Of course you do you fashion murderer. It’s hideous”

MinJun called out from behind me, walking into the room wearing a similar sweater, only his was pink. He tossed a yellow monstrosity in my direction and gave me an apologetic smile and ignore Taecyeon’s retaliation to his insult.

“Channie’s mom makes one for each of us every year, we wear it, take a picture as proof then tossed them to the back of the closet never to resurface again.” 

“And how did I get so lucky?”

“You live here now” He simply said, telling us dinner would be served in five and to hurry up and finished our girly talk and conveniently closing the door behind him.

“You know Khun isn’t planning on renting your room”

Taecyeon simply said as if that was a good enough explanation

“And I also know you heard the conversation between my mother and I”

“Wooyoung needs to learn to keep things to himself”

“And if you wanted me to never find out you would have never told him”

Touché.

He was standing closer now, but I made no attempt at pushing him away. His hand came up, cradling my face with his right hand, brushing a strand of loose hair with his left. His hand was small, and warm, and I leaned into the touch.

“A simple I’m sorry won’t cut it this time would it?”

“It didn’t help the first hundredth times you said it”

“I’m an idiot”

“Haven’t you always been?”

I was the one to lean in first, the one to kiss him first, but he was the one to drape his arms around me, the one to pull me flush to his body and deepened the kiss. Against my better judgment I let him have me, his tongue invaded my mouth, and a moan got caught in my throat. He pushed me against the wall, a hand hooking to the back of my neck and the other under my shirt.

It was a while before we parted, both out of breath and gasping for air. His eyes were dilated, barely open and his lip swollen. Our five minutes were long past but neither one of us moved. He sighed and I rested my forehead on his shoulder.  

Why was this so sad? We weren’t saying goodbye, not really. I would still see him, we would still run into each other, share laughs and a few meals here and there. I wasn’t going anywhere, neither was he, yet it felt like I was about to give something up. Something that I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t regret later on.

They didn’t wait for us to eat, everyone was already sitting around the table by the time we came out.

“You are late!”

Chansung grumbled, mouth full, and MinJun smacked him, telling him to mind his manners and a few pieces of food flew out of his mouth and landed on Wooyoung who was wearing a bright blue sweater, a match to Chansung’s purple one. I looked down at my own bright yellow one and sighed, taking the empty seat next to Nichkhun. Wooyoung was yelling profanities at Chansung and MinJun was complaining how we couldn’t have a decent meal even during the holidays.

“The longer you fight the longer we have to wait to open the presents. So shut up and eat.” Taecyeon reminded them, taking the seat next to MinJun and effectively bringing the quarrel to an end.

“I thought we had to wait until Christmas morning”

“Do you want to wait?”

Nichkhun asked me, grabbing my plate and feeling it with more food than I could possibly eat. He set it in front of me, leaning closer. His hand reached out for my hair, pulled something out of it and brought it back for us both to see. It was a loose string, green like the color of Taecyeon’s sweater.

“Everything ok?”

I glanced at Taecyeon who was currently laughing at something Wooyoung had said. Was everything ok?

“I think so”

I wasn't allowed to go home that night.

There was a fuzzy pair of socks on my feet, a present from Taecyeon. Nichkhun was dozing off beside me, a blanket covering us. Everyone was already gone enjoying their presents, getting some sleep or on MinJun’s case out with a certain Chinese girl. Wooyoung still had to explain to me how exactly he managed that one.

“This is nice”

“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”

I poke him on the side of his ribs and he squirmed, biting my shoulder.

“If I fall asleep you may just leave”

“Corny…”

“Your fault”

There was something about having the right atmosphere that one simply couldn’t fight. The lights were off, the glow of the Christmas tree the only thing illuminating the room, there was a faint smell of pine coming from the candle Khun had lit and even the blanket we were using smelled good. Khun was close, his nose brushing my cheek and I could feel his smile as he kissed the corner of my mouth.

“You know it hurts me to know just a few hours ago you were with Taec…”

“Can you please not screw this up?”

I was searching for his lips but they had moved on to my neck, brushing against my skin in an amazingly delicious way.

“What would you have me do then, Lee Junho?”

What would I have him do? That was a question with an infinite number of answers but at the moment there was only one thing that came to mind.

“How about a kiss?”

Two days after my 24^th birthday I decided to pay another visit to my parents.

I asked Nichkhun to come along. I didn’t tell him where we were going, or the reason why, but he came with me anyway.

My mom was the one to open the door, she looked between me and Nichkhun apprehensively, her eyes finally settling on me, looking sad and heartbroken. Nichkhun was silent, his hand holding mine and his eyes taking in the face of the woman in front of us. I know what he was seeing, the same eyes, the same nose, the same lips, the same curly mess of hair. I was always told I look a lot like my mother.  Someone once said that that was the reason I turned out the way I did. Feminine and a fagget from birth.

“Don’t instigate your father anymore Junho”

“I missed you too mom”

“The last time you were here…”

“He told me to go and find God, get this demon out of me. I know I remember”

“Junho…”

“Is it ok if we come in? I know he is still at work?”

Her eyes settle on Nichkhun, just remembering I wasn’t alone and after a moment’s hesitation a heavy sigh passed her lips and she stepped to the side letting us in.

I had come to visit a few months back, after moving out of Nichkhun’s house. My father had not been home and my mom was quick to usher me out before he got there. I could already see she would try to do the same. I could feel the burning in my chest, the sadness as I saw my own mother looking at me wearily, nervously glancing at the clock every five seconds.

“I want it you to meet my boyfriend”

Nichkhun’s eyes open wide, it was the first time I had used the word to refer to what we had. In my opinions labels were unnecessary, boyfriend, partner, lover, gay, homoual, sometimes they were more hurtful than helpful, but when dealing with people as close-minded as my parents' labels were the only way to make things clear.

“Your boyfriend?”

“You should be happy for me mother.”

“Your boyfriend…”

“Yes mom. Does it surprise you?”

“Oh Junho…”

I thought she was going to cry. There were tears in her eyes, her lower lip shaking as she looked between me and Khun. She took a step back, away from me, and if it wasn’t for Khun who held on to my hand tighter, reminding me that I wasn’t alone I don’t know what I would have done.

“I’ll go make some tea”

She said, not looking at either of us again as she made her escape towards the kitchen.

“This was a dumb thing to do Junho”

Nichkhun told me after she was out of hearing range, a heavy sigh escaped him and fear that he would be upset with me overtook me. I hoped he wasn’t. I couldn’t bare it. Not at the moment. It was ok if he was mad later on, for bringing him here without warning, for putting him in this kind of situation, but the truth was that I couldn’t do it alone. I need it him to be with me and I was afraid that if I had said something he would have stopped me.

“You would have stopped me if I said what I was planning to do”

“You don’t know that”

We both heard the rattling of the front door and both Khun and I stood up at the same time. We look towards the door, and Khun tensed up as my old man walked in.

“Woman I’m home” he yelled, but then he stopped. His eyes settling on the two extra pairs of shoes in the doorway. I felt like I was in a movie, slowly, very slowly he looked up. Our gazes met and all the courage I had managed to gather up to now vanish into thin air.

Still to this day this man had the power to turn me into a little kid with a simple glance.

“Hello father”

He didn’t look at me, or gave any sign that he acknowledged my presence. I could have easily been just another piece of furniture for all he was concerned.

“Father…”

“Woman why is this child here. I thought I was very clear last time”

He set down his jacket on the armrests of the couch, his wallet and keys on the coffee table and was now looking at my mother who had just come back into the living room. Her hands were shaking, making the tray she was holding rattled. I thought she was going to drop it. Something told me I should have helped, I was the one closest to her, but I couldn’t move. I was rooted in place, my head hanging low. The hand that had been holding Khun’s now my trousers.

“I asked you a question woman”

His voice never when up, but my mom got startled and the tray fell from her hands. Glass shatter everywhere and I felt the hot water through my socks as it splashed everywhere. I was the closest to her but the one that got there first was Khun. He told her to be careful but the shaking of her hands was so bad she cut her finger with the first piece she tried to pick up.

Khun reached out for her hand but she recoiled away from it. I could see how she looked at Khun. She looked at him in the same way she wanted to look at me, but couldn’t bring herself to do it simply because I was her son. With disgust, as if he was carrying some virus that would infect her if she dared make contact. Khun sighed, looked at me once, then at my dad who had not even blink then very quickly he picked up the broken pieces, placed them on the tray and without saying a word hurry off towards the kitchen.

I wanted to tell him to not go. Not leave me even for a second. I wasn’t brave enough. Not on my own.

“Who is he?”

My father asked, finally acknowledging my presence.

“He- he is- that is Khun. He is-…”

“You little . Can you at least speak properly? Not even man enough to utter a complete sentence. What is he? Your gay boyfriend? And you dare bring that unholy thing into my house?! You dare defile the place I live in by coming back here?”

I close my eyes, staying in place and knowing what was to come. The first blow didn’t hurt as much as I expected. He was older now, his fist didn’t have as much power but his words… his words hurt the most. Unlike his strength, which he slowly lost as the years when on and his tongue became sharper to compensate. They slashed new wounds into my heart, reopen ones I had forgotten I had.

I heard the sound of cracking bones, and waited for the pain that came along with the sound. It never did. I opened my eyes slowly, very slowly, the right one hurt the most and I was sure there would be a nice bruise to go along with the pain later on.

“Junho, are you ok?”

Nichkhun’s soothing voice broke through the buzzing in my ears, he was kneeling next to me. I don’t remember when I had fallen, but now he was helping me get back on my feet.

“Let's go Junho”

He kept telling me. I could hear my mother sobbing and I looked in the direction where the sound was coming from. She was trying to help him, but he was brushing her off. He was watching me, a hateful look in his eyes. Blood was gushing out of his nose and I could clearly see the broken bridge, it was quickly turning black and purple and I could tell the pain was making it hard for him to keep his eyes open.

“Get out of my house!”

He was screaming and I looked up at Khun. He looked blurry and it took a second to realize the reason was the tears that had built up in my eyes. It dawned on me that what I had come here to get I was not getting. I would never get. My dad would never accept me. I was good as dead to him. I already knew that. Had known that. But I was a stubborn idiot and I just need it the confirmation.

My dad was saying something else but I didn’t hear it. Khun’s voice was louder, more menacing. He was pissed, yelling and screaming and had not been for the weak hold I had on his arm he would have hit him again.

“As of right now pretend he's dead. Junho is nothing to you anymore.”

The last thing I remember hearing as we left the house were my mother’s sobs.

I didn’t see my parents again after that.

That night I asked Nichkhun to stay over.

He insisted I should go back to his place, forget the idea of living on my own and go back to him, to the others, but at times like this I was glad I never did.

I hated for the others to see me like I was at that moment. For them to see the swollen eyes and the tear stains in my face. I didn’t want them to see the black bruise in my right eye, nor the busted lip that was now starting to swell. Chan would look at me with pity. Wooyoung and MinJun would want to go find whoever did it. Taecyeon would have known exactly what happened with just once glance. I didn’t want the apathy. I didn’t want the concern. I just wanted to be held. I just wanted Khun to hold me and for the rest of the world to cease to exist.

“Does it hurt?”

He asked, pressing a soak cotton ball to my lip. It stung and I flinched away from it but Khun held my face in place. He sighed, setting the cotton ball down and examining my eye. I was sitting on the toilet seat looking up at him as he placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my face up.

“I could kill him”

“I rather you not… he is still my father you know”

“Just because he donated his doesn’t make him a father”

“Let’s not talk about him… please”

He was still angry, I could feel it, and I made it my mission to change that. It was easier to not dwell on hurtful things when I had something to keep my mind occupied. For a second I fear he wouldn’t want to kiss me, I was bruised and a bit of blood still dripped from the cut, but he didn’t care. His lips brushing mines gently, our noses touching. A breathy sigh passed my lips when we finally kissed, him gentle, trying his best to not hurt me any further but I wasn’t having that.

I didn’t want anything gentle or caring.

I was bruised, and hurt, and I need it him to fix that.  

“Don’t be gentle..”

I pleaded, standing up and shedding my clothes as quickly as my hands would allow it. His hands were all over me, and I burned where ever he touched. He stumbled back against the sink and pulled me with him, he on my lower lip and I winced as he bit the bruise part. I was bleeding but neither of us care. It made the kiss taste of iron and in some sick way it made it even hotter. He broke the kiss, placing open mouth kisses to my chin, moving up and at the joint between jaw and neck. He didn’t stop there, ravishing my neck and making me moan and plead with want.

“Junho…” It stopped just as suddenly as it started and I felt my eyes sting with buildup tears. I didn’t want to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to take it away. All of it. The pain. The hurt that was bury so deep in my heart I felt it slowly consume me. Like a decease slowly eating away at me until I became nothing. Until I was nothing.

"Junho!" He forced me to look at him, and kissed my lips gently. The need and hunger from a few seconds ago replaced with a tenderness that was almost unbearable.

"I want you. But not when I'm like this.  Not when all I can think about is punching that man until he can't breathe anymore"

And just like that the world no longer revolved around me. It was always so easy to drown in my own pain. To forget that at times it wasn't only me that was hurting. I was not the only one fighting the inner demons that threaten to consume me if I all but show a moment’s hesitation.

 “Shower and then bed? I won't try anything. I promise"

He smiled and kissed my shoulder blade, then my neck, slowly stepping back and helping me to stand up straight. He sat me down on the toilet seat once more, removing his clothes before turning on the shower.

“Khun… do you think I’m an idiot”

I asked as I watched him turn the knobs of the shower, testing it out until it was just the right temperature.

“For going to see your parents? Yes. I think you are an idiot, but a brave one”

He stepped into the shower first, standing under the spray for a while before inviting me in.  It was ironic, how he considered me brave, yet he had no idea the only reason I possess that kind of courage was because of him. I fed off the energy he gave; of the love he gave me unconditionally. The same love I had yet to vocally return but that I will try my best to show every time I could.

It wouldn't be easy. Of that I was sure.

It would take some time, but I was positive I had found the one person that didn’t mind waiting for me to get my together.