There comes a point in time that you simply don't care anymore.

Everything seems the same. Boring and redundant.  Like the paint on a color palette after it has been used, the bright and cheerful colors blended together, turning into a dark gray or a cold black; that is what the world would look like if you saw it through my eyes.

The car ride into town was a quite one. The radio station tuned in to MinJun's talk show. His voice was cheerful and pleasant to listen to, his partner just as weird and entertaining. I laugh a few times at their antics, Nichkhun did as well, but aside from that we didn't talk much. 

It scared me how easily I could do that, completely disregard the existence of another human being. I prefer the silence over the awkward conversations. I much rather be alone then surrounded by people and force to play the role of something I was not. If I was alone no one could judge me. If didn't let them in, no one could disappoint me.

It was a lonely world, a dull and faded existence. But it was safe.

Eventually Nichkhun parked the car and I followed him out. We walked pass restaurants, shops, and what looked like family owned business until our final destination was reached. A building that unless you knew of its existence you would surely over look.

I gave Nichkhun a questioning glance and he answered me with a shrug, using one of the keys from his key-chain to unlock the door.

"I figure if I wanted to know more about you I should share a bit about myself as well"

I wanted to tell him not to bother, that it didn't matter how hard he tried he would never learn who I really was. How could he if not even I knew the answer to that riddle.

We walked in, down a long and narrow hallway, passing a few doors that Nichkhun simply ignore. Eventually he stopped, pointing to one of the doors.

"That's where MinJun is most of his time. His friend owns the building and they built a studio in here. So if he ever goes AWOL for a while and you need to find him that would be the place"

He then turned to the room right in front of the studio, opening the door and stepping in. Me Following behind and closing the door behind me.

"And if it’s me the one you want to find, then this is the place" He spread his arms out, turning around in a half circle and ending up facing me.

The room was a mess. Half-finished and empty canvases push against the walls, a tall easel standing proud in the center of the room. The ceiling lights were bright, almost blinding, cans of paint scattered throughout the room, paint stains covering the wooden floor and in a corner a small couch and a mini fridge. The room was absolutely chaotic yet it seemed to me that it was exactly how he wanted it to be.

"You paint?" I asked the obvious, walking up to one of the stacks of canvases, one in particular had gotten my attention and I wanted to take a closer look.

"I dabble. It’s been a habit of mines since young"

I grabbed the painting that had gotten my attention, examining it a bit closer. It was the landscape of a city, painted in black white and gray, the images seem to almost fade into one another, the buildings when looked at closely seem to be detirionting, wasting away. The sky was the darkest of all, an almost inpercibke mist leaking from it.

"What do you see?" Nichkhun asked, standing directly behind me now.

What did I see?

I saw what once was a beautiful metropolis deteriorating, wasting away, the poisonous mist making everything seem blurry, slowly creeping in and with no way of stopping it.

I saw me.

Lifeless and dulled. A human that didn't even appreciate his own life that had even attempted to take it away at some point, but that was too big a coward to go through with it. Like that city I wasn't what the world expected me to be. So they pushed me aside, abandoned all hope.

"I see buildings" I finally answer and Nichkhun chuckle behind me. I heard his footsteps as he moved away and after glancing at the painting once more, I set it down.

"It will be another hour or so before MinJun gets out so how about hanging out for a while? You don't seem to mind the silence and I like company while I paint."

Lunch was at a nearby Chinese restaurant, and despite my protest that I couldn't afford it Nichkhun insisted I came along.

"MinJun's buying, a very rare occurrence so let's take advantage" He had told me, dragging me into the place against my will. MinJun didn't seem surprised to see me, greeting me with that funny way of talking he had, and telling me to eat comfortably.

I settled for the cheapest thing on the menu, sitting down quietly as the conversation began to flow. I doubted MinJun needed anyone but himself to hold conversation, there seem to be and endless pool of things to talk about, yet he made it a point to make sure I participated.

Nichkhun sat there, mostly silent, yet I noticed him perk up whenever I would answer one of MinJun's questions. I was not an idiot, and there was no need for anyone to post it on neon signs for me to know what Nichkhun's interest meant.

You think I would be static at the possibility, but really I just felt burdened.

"So what do you think?"

I realize a little too late that the latest topic revolved around me, I had no clue what was being said causing MinJun to reach across the table, hitting the top of my head.

"MinJun asked if you rather be top or bottom?"

I choked on my own saliva, not daring myself to look at either of them. Nichkhun laugh beside me, MinJun shaking his head pushed the glass of water towards me.

"Don't use me to find answers to your disgusting thoughts" MinJun scolded at Nichkhun, who pretended to look innocent.

"I was asking if you would be interested to work at the broadcast station" MinJun clarify "There's an opening, the job is and the pay is worse. But it’s clean and safe, better than anything Khun can help you find"

"If is not a bother, I would really appreciate it if you could help me out" I felt genuine gratitude towards MinJun, and offered him a smile. He reached out across the table again, this time to mess with my hair

"Don't be so formal kid, we are here to help each other out, so don't worry so much ok?"

"How come you are never that nice to me?" Nichkhun complained

"Because you are an . Don't be fooled by the innocent image, this one can't be trusted Junho"

I decided then that I like MinJun. Despite his could-care-less act and inability to stop talking there was something about him that put me at ease.

"Well that settles the bet though" Nichkhun said with a triumphant smile and the color seemed to drain from MinJun's face. I had no clue what had just happened and turned to Nichkhun for an explanation.

"Wooyoung and MinJun made a bet" Nichkhun explained.

"About?"

"Your preferences. Wooyoung said you when my way, MinJun insisted you weren't. Even when as far as calling Wooyoung prejudice"

I'm sure my embarrassment spoke for itself, I was tempted to cover my face, positive that it was slowly turning an infuriating shade of red.

"How did you..."

"Your lack of response at Nichkhun's sneaky question" MinJun said "Most people take something like that as a joke, you seemed really serious about it. So are you?"

I could deny it. It’s not like I have not done it before, but there was something about the way MinJun watched me... I opened my mouth to say that he was wrong but the words didn't come out, so instead I simply nodded.

It was funny.

I've only been around these people for a little over 24hrs yet the thought of having to leave made me feel like there was something stock on my throat. My eyes stung a bit, and I stare down at the table. They would surely ask me to leave. Look at me differently... They wouldn't be so nice anymore...

"Ya!"

I didn't notice when MinJun got up and walked over to my side of the table, an arm wrapped around my shoulders and a concern look on his face. It was funny how I had just met the man, yet that look was all it took for me to feel like a helpless, unsure, child.

"Lee Junho, are you about to cry?"

Was I?

My lower lip trembled when I try to respond, and there was something wet on my cheek. Nichkhun didn't say anything, sitting quietly beside me while MinJun hug me until the air was knocked out of my lungs.

"I take it this is a sensitive subject for you, and hyung is really sorry he joked about it. But know one thing, in our house we don't judge or discriminate, the only thing you should worry about is accidently waking Wooyoung in the mornings or eating Chansung's food by mistake, trust me when I tell you neither situation is one you would like to experience. And if we've put up with Khun what makes you think we wouldn't accept you?"

"My condition is no something people seem to take so lightly" I admitted, daring myself to look at MinJun.

"Your condition? Why do you say it like it is a sickness or a decease?" MinJun questioned, but the one who answer was Nichkhun.

"People are not as opened minded as you are MinJun. They assume we have a choice about who we choose to like, because to them a person loving someone of the same is dirty, ungodly, and reproachable. We are walking sins, are we not Junho?"

This time I was sure it wasn't my imagination. Nor did I have to look at Nichkhun to know there was a sadness in his tone, an anger and resentment that seem too dark to be coming from someone that resembled the sun when he smiled.

Yet it when as soon as it came, MinJun didn't seem to fond of awkward situations and the topic was quickly changed to a story of when Wooyoung had first found out about Nichkhun. Apparently curiosity had gotten the best of him and he had begun to attack Nichkhun with a series of questions that had ended up with Nichkhun telling him that if he was so curious, he should just try it himself.

Wooyoung didn't ask any more questions after that.

Nichkhun on the other hand was quiet for a while, I found myself looking at him from the corner of eyes, my tongue itching to ask but not daring. He caught my eyes for a second, there was a smile on his face yet the sadness in those eyes was something I was too familiar with.

"I see a new face, who's this cutie?"

It was a female's voice, a tall brunette with a tan complexion and big eyes. She smiled, a pretty smile, placing what I supposed was the bill on the table.

"This is Junho, our new housemate" MinJun introduced, grabbing the bill and glancing at it "And this is Fei Fei, her parents own this place"

"Is nice to meet you Junho, I hope to see you again around here"

I couldn't help but to laugh at the way MinJun's eyes follow her as she walked away. His mouth slyly open. Nichkhun reached out and hit him gently on the bottom of his chin, snapping MinJun out of his trance.

"A little more and you'll be drooling"

"Shut up" MinJun responded, looking embarrassed for the first time since I had met him.

"That my sweet Junho," Nichkhun began to explain "was Fei Fei, the reason why our MinJunie insist on visiting this restaurant even though no alcohol is sold”  

"Do you ever talk to her, or do you just stare at her like a creep each time?"

MinJun didn't look happy at my comment but Nichkhun found it hilarious. I had not meant it as a joke but if it put the smile on Nichkhun's face again then I could deal with MinJun's temper.

"Make yourself useful and go pay the bill" MinJun told him, handing him his wallet and then to me, in a friendlier tone, said to follow him out.

Once outside I expected to be scolded for my earlier indiscretion, but instead what he told me caught me off guard.

"You do realize Khun is feeling you right?"

"I assumed that much" I answer truthfully, unsure of where this conversation was headed.

"And I'll take it you are not interested?" He continued, glancing towards the front door to see if Khun was returning.

"He's nice but, I don't need any more complications in my life right now"

"Good" He said, but I was sure that wasn't all. He spotted Khun coming our way and very quickly leaned closer, pulling me in for a very awkward hug and whispering close to my ear.

"Khun's an amazing guy, but when it comes to relationships there's a lot of things me and he don't agree on. Even if you refuse he won't give up, he's used to getting what he wants, so just be careful alright? And you know I'm always here if you need to talk."

He said the last part louder for Khun to hear, releasing me from his hold.

We said our goodbyes after that, and MinJun when his separate way. Khun didn't ask what MinJun and I talked about, nor did I questioned him about it either. There were some boundaries I was not ready to cross, at least not yet.

The rest of the time Khun took me around the city, even if MinJun offered to help me with the job situation Khun figure it wouldn't hurt to pick up some applications and get to know the city better. We stop at an art supply store and another side of Khun was revealed. He was like an overexcited child moving around the store, picking out paint and brushes, a goofy smile on his face the whole time. He joked around, hiding behind the racks in an attempt to scare me, and forcing me to pick out my favorite colors of paint for him to buy. By the time we reached the register I was sure he had purchased a lot more than he had intended to but he didn't seem to mind.

"You should let me do your portrait" He said once we were back in the car.

"I don't think I'm the most interesting subject"

"I beg to differ" He study my profile, his gaze burring holes into my face. Eventually he reached out, his fingers brushing my chin, turning my face towards him.

Gently, I brush the fingers away, not wanting to offend him.

"Let's not cross our boundaries Khun, it’s been fun so far. But please don't push it"

"Sorry" He whispered, his attention now on turning on the car and pulling back out into traffic.

We didn't talk after that, his only words to tell me we would stop at his studio to drop off the supplies before going home.

I waited in the car, the sun had already begun to set and the city lights were coming on one at a time. Though everything around me seem to be falling into place, I knew better than to let myself get comfortable. I thought back on MinJun's words from earlier, on what Nichkhun had just tried to do. Nichkhun seemed like a nice guy yet MinJun had saw fit to warn me, though about what exactly I still didn't know.

Then there was him... Ok Taecyeon. My feelings for him were like a dormant virus, it is still in you but while asleep is harmless and undetectable. Yet the minute something triggers it begins to slowly eat at you from the inside out.

You would think that after so much time I would have better control of my emotions.

"Ready to go home?" Nichkhun got back in the car, a long and thin cylinder tube on hand. He offered it to me and I took it somewhat reluctantly.

"I was going to get rid of that, so you can do whatever you want with it"

"Thank you" I offered, already knowing what I would find inside the tube.

Hours later I found myself laid out on the floor, not doing anything but stare at the ceiling. I could try to sleep, probably should have, but my insomnia had gotten worse over time. I envy those that could fall asleep without much trouble, simply close their eyes and let themselves fall into unconsciousness.

I don't remember the last time I had managed to sleep through the night without waking. I was told that was one of the side effects of the medication I was put on. I often wonder if thinking too much was a condition as well. If replaying your mistakes over and over again was something that could be taken away with some medication.

My confession to Taecyeon was not the only decision I regretted in my short life. If anything it was the catalyst that led to a series of stupid decisions that would haunt me for as long as I had a life to live.

There was a knock on the door and I answer without getting up. I felt exhausted, drained, another side effect if I remember correctly, and at the moment I wanted nothing more than to remain on that same spot for an indefinite amount of time.

Taecyeon was the one to come in. I had been expecting him actually. When I got home I was told by a very eager Chansung that Taecyeon had called off work and when out to buy supplies for dinner.

“Are you going to eat? I made your favorite”

“You guys need to stop treating me with food, you are making me feel like a charity case”

He took a seat on the edge of the bed, his legs long enough to reach out and kick me.

“Did you have fun with Khun today? I heard MinJun offered to help with the job situation”

“MinJun is a nice guy, and today was interesting”

I knew he didn’t come in to ask me about my day, so I lay quietly on the floor, waiting for him to say what he really had come to say.

“Is this one of Khun’s?” He asked. I glanced his way to notice he was holding the painting Khun had gifted me. I had taken it out of the container upon arriving home, intending to hang it up on the wall yet the more I looked at it the more I hated it.

“What do you see Junho?” He asked the same question as Khun and this time I turned to look at him, Taecyeon wasn’t the artsy type. Quite frankly I doubt he could tell the difference between  watercolor and an oil painting.

“I see buildings” I gave him the same answer I had given Nichkhun, but unlike Khun Taecyeon didn’t leave it at that.

“Want to know what I see?”

Not really. I thought, but to him I said something else.

 “Sure”

“I see something amazing that has been damaged by the carelessness of those that should have taken care of it, but I also see a resistant. An un-willingness to just give up”

Amazing how after all this year he still manage to hit it so close to home.

“And you get all that from some old buildings. Amazing, I thought the philosopher in the house was Chansung” 

“How many times have I said I’m sorry Junho?”

I didn’t have to think about that question, I had kept track of every single time he had said it since we met at that café.

“27, 28 if we count this one”

“And how many times have you actually taken me seriously?”

Now that question I couldn’t give him an honest answer to.

“I’m here aren’t I?” I said, changing the subject “I trusted you enough to accept your help”

“You were in a tight spot, is not like you really had a choice. I know what I did back then, the way I acted… I was a coward ok? An immature idiot who hurt his best friend and no amount of apologies that leave my mouth would be able to atone for that. But there are things that you don’t know Junho… and I know that I don’t deserve it but please, just give me some time… please”

It bothered me that he had the nerve to sound hurt. Wasn’t he the one who chose that path? Wasn’t he the one that hurt me the most in the end?

Before either one of us could say a word there was a light knock on the door, a few seconds later Khun’s head peaked in.

“Junho, Wooyoung wants to know if you would like to go to the bar he works at tonight. Taecyeon is skipping tonight and Wooyoung’s shift ends early, is very rare for all of us to have a chance like this and he wants to celebrate your coming into the house”

Taecyeon didn’t seem happy with the intrusion, staring to the side and glaring at nothing in particular while Nichkhun completely disregarded his presence, his full attention on me.

“What Wooyoung wants is to have more people to humiliate me in front of!” MinJun yelled from somewhere behind Nichkhun.

“Is Wooyoung making MinJun pay up the bet tonight?” Taecyeon asked, a hint of interest in his voice.

“Yup, and we get front row seats. So that means we can count on both of you. Great!” Nichkhun wink once in my direction then with the biggest goofiest smile I had ever seen exited the room. I was laughing, I couldn’t help it. But that laugh soon faded as I caught the way Taecyeon was looking at me.

“I won’t bring this topic up again, unless you want to talk about it” His tone was solemn, defeated. “But just do me a favor, I know I can’t tell you what to do but just be careful with Khun, ok? Please, if you ignore me about everything else, at least take me seriously on this”

It was the second time on the same day that I was being warned about the same person, and like a child wanting to do exactly what was being prohibited, I wanted nothing more than to find out what exactly was up with Khun.

Perhaps a night out wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.