I remember the first time I had set foot in a club.

Taecyeon had come with me against his will. To keep me out of trouble, he had said. The reality was I knew it wasn't his scene, tall, lanky and awkward were the only words I could use to properly describe him back then. As previously predicted by Taecyeon the night had ended in a disaster. I don't even remember my reasons for fighting that one guy, all I remember is that he was mocking Taec and I had stood up to him, tall proud and stupid.

I went home with a busted lip and some major bruises.

"Your mouth is going to be the death of you one of these days"

Taecyeon had told me while pressing a soak cotton ball to my bruises later that night.

"I wasn't going to stand watching while someone made fun of you" Was my response. Taecyeon didn't bring up the topic again after that.

Today was a world’s difference from that day.

The place where Wooyoung worked in turn out to be a popular hangout spot, filled with people laughing, drinking, enjoying themselves. MinJun was known amongst the staff, something about a segment he did on the radio on weekends promoting the place, but it helped us get a table big enough for all of us and a bottle of something dark and dangerous on the table within minutes of us being there.

Drinks were served, food was ordered, and soon I began to understand what it was like to hang out with friends. Real ones.

I remember often going out to places, noticing a group hanging together, laughing, joking, and having a good time without a care in the world. I often watch them resentfully, assuming the reason they were like that was because everything came easy to them, looks, money, life. But that was me on the outside looking in, judging without really knowing anything.

I looked around the table, examining the men sitting around me, they were all good looking in their own way, looked confident and trouble free. But even though I didn't know them well I knew that their lives were not easy and their heads were not clear of worries. Yet they left their troubles and headaches at the door, teasing and joking with each other. Not like friends, but something more. I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever be able to be that comfortable around them.

“Why is our Junho not drinking?”

It was Wooyoung that put me in the spotlight, he had a special talent for doing that. He changed out of his work uniform, the black slacks, white collar shirt, and black vest had been replaced with fitted jeans and a dark blue graphic t-shirt. His usual childish looks were nowhere to be found, he looked at his surroundings, like a beast searching for prey.

“Leave the kid alone, he said he doesn’t drink” MinJun was the one to defend me, but it back fired. Wooyoung's attention now on him.

“Everybody drinks Hyung, but more on that later. Did you call?”

Wooyoung was referring to whatever MinJun's punishment was and I probably would have asked if it wasn't for the pair of eyes that seem to be studying my every move. Everyone's attention was on MinJun, all except for Khun’s. The corner of his lips curved, an alluring, almost seductive look in his eyes. I thought of MinJun's and Taecyeon's warning, but one was too busy at the moment to pay me any mind and the other had not talked to me since we left the house.

So much for their concern.

Nichkhun downed the rest of his drink, and without saying a word got up from the table and walked towards the bar. I don't know why I chose this moment to look at Taecyeon. He was watching me with impassive eyes, his face unreadable, then a second later he sighed, looking away.

Whether out of curiosity or spite I couldn't say, maybe both, but before my mind could process the thought I was already up and walking away from the group. Nichkhun waited by the bar, two shot glasses with some golden liquid and lemon wedges in front of him. He moved one towards me, taking his own.

"A shot to celebrate us meeting" he said.

It was a bad idea. I knew it. My anti-alcohol policy wasn't by choice, and I knew I was putting myself at risk by doing it but the sudden image of Taecyeon and his could-care-less attitude suddenly came to mind. Why tell me everything he said then ignore me? Why ask me to give him time, time for what? For him to not be disgusted by me anymore?

I stopped thinking, grabbing the shot and downing it. The tequila burned my throat as it when down, leaving me momentarily out of breath.

"One more” Nichkhun gave me a surprise look yet he seemed pleased. Making a gesture to the bartender to serve us a second round.

"What does Wooyoung wants MinJun to do?" I was still curious about the bet and the topic seemed like the safest subject at the time.

"Call Fei and asked her out. He won't do it though, MinJun's a sneaky bastard” He stopped talking as the second set of shots was placed before us. This time I didn't hesitate, taking it in one shot.

"What happened to your no drinking policy?"

"I change my mind"

There was something about the way he looked at me, an ill intent look that seem to fit him too well. There were a few more shots after that, not enough to really cause any real damage on a regular day but I had skipped dinner, not to mention that dark liquor and I had never been the best of friends.

We when from the bar to the dance floor, the music playing had a heavy bass and repetitive beats, instincts took over and I just let go. The hand on my hips guided my movements, fingertips reaching under my shirt and touching my bare stomach made me move even closer to him. It was a public place. People were watching... I probably should have cared...

Personal space was no longer an issue, his hot breath brushing my neck, his touch becoming bolder. Me allowing him to do as he pleased.

It wasn’t the first time I let someone use me in that way. There was a point in time where I use to get off by the looks those hungry men would give me, that I took pleasure in teasing them, luring them in… picking the ones that were to my liking and giving in to lust. There was no difference this time around. I knew what Nichkhun wanted, the only thing that held me back was knowing that unlike those others I would be forced to meet Nichkhun after the act. Yet the tequila shots were doing a pretty good job at making those boundaries I told myself I wouldn’t cross extremely blurry.

I heard a low growl come from Nichkhun, felt more pressure on the grip he had on my hips. Before I knew it we were walking away from the crowd, my back pressed against a wall, arms held securely above my head and Nichkhun’s lips pressing hard against mine. His kiss was needy, forceful, bordering on desperate. I felt like I was drowning; the air being out of my lungs. I gasp for air and he took the chance to take it deeper, his tongue teasing and playful. He tasted of tequila and lemon, hot and bitter and so damn good.

Which is why I didn’t understand why I pushed him away.

The world around me seemed to suddenly slow down, each movement of my body seemed to be late by a few beats. I felt... Nothing. Everything was numb, all but my brain that chose this particular moment to remind me of everything I much rather not think about. I saw his face, Taecyeon's, those eyes that saw right into my soul. I thought of how pitiful I was, of how after all these years my heart still beats for him and only him. Of how even though it was Nichkhun the one touching me, someone that wanted me, that didn’t find me repulsive, it was Taecyeon that I was thinking of. I should have hated him, but instead his rejection only made me want him more.

I thought of my parents, of the arguments that only had me to blame for, of my father's words... Like a knife staving an already wounded heart.

Wait.

This was wrong...

"Junho... Are you ok?"

"I need air"

I walked away, not bothering to check if he was following. Hoping that he didn't. Dizzy and disoriented I end up getting in by the crowd that seem to have multiplied out of thin air. Someone grabbed me by the elbow and began to drag me away. I recognized Wooyoung's silhouette and relief watched over, happy that it was someone I knew.

He let me away from the crowd, pass the tables filled with people laughing and enjoying themselves, then through a pair of doors label employees only. We went pass the kitchen, the smell of frying grease and onions was strong and I fought the need to gag. Finally, he pushed another door open, taking me out into some dark alley, nothing but a lonely street light providing any type of illumination.

He let me go and I had to hold on to the nearby wall for support. We were standing in front of a dumpster, the smell didn't seem to bother Wooyoung, but it made my already queasy stomach rebelled against me.

 Tequila burned on its way down, but it was 100 times worse when it came back up. I threw up the little food I had on my stomach, along with all the liquor I had consumed. My eyes burn, and I felt like falling on my knees and crying. Probably would have, had I been alone, but gathering the last bit of pride I had left I straighten up.

"I swear kid; I'm starting to think you are a lot more trouble than your worth" Wooyoung said.

That I already knew, but it still was a harsh thing to just say it aloud; yet it seemed like there was no remorse on Wooyoung’s side. He gave me a water bottle, as to where it had come from I didn't know, I was just glad to have something to rinse the foul taste out of my mouth.  

"How much did you have to drink?" He asked, taking out a box of cigarettes and offering one to me. I decline the offer, and he shrugged, lighting one for himself and taking a hit.

"Enough to make me regret it"

Had it been anyone else I’m sure they would be all over me by now, asking if I was ok, worrying about me… Wooyoung though, well he just looked like he really didn’t give a . He leaned against the wall, putting the cigarette between his lips and inhaling. I guess I should have been grateful it was Wooyoung, at least he didn’t ask for any type of explanation.

Bull.

Who was I trying to kid? I enjoy the attention the others gave me, it made me feel, I don’t know, wanted? Needed? Relevant?

I used the water to rinse my mouth, drinking what was left and tossing the empty bottle towards the dumpster. I missed. It ricocheted to a part of the ally the light didn’t quite reach.  I stare at the spot for a while, not really thinking, everything around me seemed blurry, off focus.

“You think too much Junho” Wooyoung’s voice broke through the silence. He pressed the end of the cigarette to the wall, extinguishing the last of the flames. “Looking at you really brings me down”

“Then don’t look”

I had a feeling that Wooyoung enjoyed being irritating. That he liked to push buttons and see how far he could get. He reminded me of myself a bit. I wonder if this was how Taecyeon felt around me back then, when I used to purposely irritate him until he snapped.

“So what’s your vise?” He asked, jumping from one thing to another without pause.

“What makes you think there is one?”

“I live in this century?” His tone was sarcastic but he was looking at me now. I held his gaze, as to where the confidence was coming from I really had no idea.

“I deal with things like that all the time, uppers, downers, I see kids messing with this stuff almost every day here, even some of my coworkers. Half the people I worked with are on one, or various. I know the signs Junho, but it’s just a question, it doesn’t mean you have to answer”

I consider whether to answer or not. Really he wasn’t forcing me to give him a response, and besides, it seemed like he had already made up his mind as to what it was that he thought was wrong with me.

“Is not by choice…”

Then again talking to someone about this wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It was Wooyoung, I knew I wouldn’t get any sympathy or pity from him. It made it a lot easier to tell the truth.

“I’ve been on anti-depressants for about a year now, apparently mine is not a state of mind but a clinical condition. Depression, bit of anxiety at times. The pills are supposed to keep me sane”

“Are they working?” Such an honest question.

“Honestly? I don’t even know. I still feel like a nothing most of the time, you said it yourself, I’m more trouble than I’m worth”

“You may be…” He told me “But then again so was I when Taecyeon first brought me into the house. He told me I reminded him of someone he knew and that he had done wrong by. I always wonder who that person was…”

He gave me a meaningful look, pushing off the wall and straightening his clothes.

“Taecyeon cares for you and MinJun likes you, though he’s not the best at judging a person’s if his ex-girlfriends are any testament of that, but I trust those two more than anyone. And if they found a way to help me out, I’m sure they’ll do right by you too. You just have to let them, especially Taecyeon. Whatever he did to you, he regrets with every single breath he takes”

“What about Nichkhun…”

“Are you worried about your little make out session?” He said with mischief “I wouldn’t, trust me you are not the first one that fell for that.”

I stare at him wide eyed and he quickly panicked. “Not me you idiot! But that’s not my story to tell. Now come on, the others are probably wondering where we at. And if you tell Taecyeon you saw me smoking I swear you won’t live long enough to see another sunset”

The next morning, I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had in a very long time.

After Wooyoung and I had returned the others had directed a few concern glances in my direction, but Wooyoung was quick to make use of his skills of diversion and the attention was quickly back to another subject. There was no more alcohol for me, Wooyoung made sure of that, and the rest of the night had gone on smoothly. Nichkhun had disappeared at one point, everyone too far gone to notice, but I did see him leave with another boy I didn’t recognize.

There was a knock on my bedroom door, Taecyeon’s head picking in a few seconds after.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure”

I was sure my face was swollen, my eyes probably less visible than usual, but this wasn’t the first time Taecyeon would see me right after waking up. I noticed he was dressed in his work clothes and I searched for my phone, wondering about the time. I finally found it under the mess of sheets, my eyes bulging out of their sockets when I read the time.

“Did I really slept this long?” I asked in disbelieve. I could hear MinJun talking outside the room. He was already home, which meant that I had indeed slept all morning and most of the afternoon.

“You looked like you need it the rest” Taecyeon walked over to the bed, reaching out to smooth out my hair. Then realizing what he was doing, he quickly pulled his hand away.

“It’s ok Taec…” I reached out for his hand, guiding it towards my messy hair “You don’t have to be so careful around me”

He sighed, but rather than mess with my hair like he had been doing previously he leaned even closer, pressing his forehead to mine. This wasn’t fair… he smelled good, he felt good… and I was a hot mess with messy hair and probably foul breath.

“I have a day off tomorrow, would you like to go somewhere with me?” He asked.

I could see some things a bit more clearly, it was still early and my brain had not had a chance to pollute my head with bad thoughts yet. To talk to Taecyeon was something I need it to do, if I wanted to have any hope of regaining my sanity back I need it to hear him out.

“Sure”

“Good” he gave me a weak smile, putting some distance between us now “I have to work but I’m warning you, Wooyoung and MinJun took it upon themselves to cook, they are not the best those two, and in this case two wrongs don’t make one right. Not even a decent one.”

“So take out?” I asked. Already knowing that I would probably eat whatever they cook simply out of guilt.

“Don’t let them guilt you into it” He told me, as usual seeing right through me “Stay close to Chansung, he’s gotten really good at sneaking out in this type of situations. Got it?”

“Got it”

It felt weird. To act so friendly with each other. So normal.

It felt weird, but not unpleasant.