What if you are left with no other choice but to choose between what you want the most, and the one thing you hold dearest?

At one point in my life I was forced to make that decision. Looking back on it now, if I had the chance to go back to that exact moment in time, I don't know if I would make the same choice.

It happened during out last year of secondary school. I was 17 at the time, young, naive ambitious, full of energy and full of myself. I was a normal teenager, curious, insecure, filled with emotions that I didn't understand. Everything about me was perfectly normal except for one thing.

I had known I was different for a long time. At first I thought it was normal that unlike my friends, I wasn't losing my head over the pretty girls at school. That I wasn't interested in that pretty upperclassman that had asked me to the Homecoming dance in my freshman year. She wasn't my type. I remember telling my friends. They thought I was nuts.

The problem was not that the girls at my school didn't get my attention. The problem was the way my eyes would wander off in the boys’ locker room... Finding the male anatomy a lot more fascinating than that one of a female.  If I ever got caught I would play it off. "Wa! You’ve been working out haven't you?" The compliments would flow so smoothly, so easily. After all I was telling the truth, I was admiring their bodies... Just not in the way that they thought.

As time when by it became more and more difficult to lie. Not to those around me but to myself. The self-loathing, the feeling that what I was feeling was wrong. I didn't understand it... I was athletic, I was never the feminine type... It couldn't be. Right?

Then he came back.

Taecyeon and I had been friends longer than I could remember. We when to primary and elementary school together and I remember having to watch out for him as we were kids. He was the pacifist, the type to keep to himself, to play with action figures and read a book simply because he founded entertaining. I on the other hand was the troublemaker, the one to use his fist first asked questions later. The one that would bully him into taking part on my antics.

Than Taecyeon's family moved to the US right before either one of us got to hit puberty and our friendship was put on hold.

By the time he came back I was half way through my first year of High School, and I was glad to have a friend to help me get through the remaining 3 and a half years that awaited me. It was as if no time had passed between us, easily falling into the same routine as when we were kids.

My inner battle continued... My own confusion as to why I couldn't react to girls the same way as my friends only getting worse. I was old enough to understand homouality. I was old enough to understand that being gay was not something that was celebrated. I heard the way my friends would make fun of other kids, calling them gay and fagget for one reason or another. I would even join them at times. Because what they did was the normal thing to do. Because I wanted to be normal. Because I wanted to fit in.

Taecyeon was never happy about it though.

He told me he didn’t like it. That calling someone gay just to mock them was disrespectful to those who struggled with rejection from society because of their preferences. He told me he knew I was better than those bullies... That I shouldn't play along.

If only he had known that at that moment, he had doomed me for the rest of my existence.

You see, I never saw Taecyeon with a girlfriend. He had a lot of female friends but not one he considered dating. There had been that really pretty girl, Tiffany I think was her name. She had asked me for help, she was beautiful and kind, and I thought he would say yes.

He didn't.

At what point I had begun to develop feelings for him, or if those feelings were real or simply an infatuation, I am not sure. But Taecyeon was kind, and accepting, and I was an ignorant fool.

You see Taecyeon fit the type, he had the characteristics that in my mind, a man that likes men should have. He hung out with a lot of girls, never dated any. He read novels and cried after watching the Notebook. He took care of his body, going to the gym often, but didn't play any sports. He did weird things like dressed up as a pageant contestant for Halloween and play music with his teeth. He often talked about wanting to be an actor, and even end up joining the drama club during our third year. He was silly, fun, outgoing, and in my stupidity and ignorance I began to think he was like me.

I guess you can deduce where this is going.

I began to build this fantasy in my head, where pigs flew, there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and Taecyeon accepted my feelings. I became more and more infatuated as time when by. I no longer had any doubt about what I wanted. I had imagined kissing him quite often, had to restrain myself every time we would sleep at each other's house, on the same bed.

I remember giving in to my urges, sneaking off to the bathroom and relieving myself, closing my eyes and picturing it was him whose hands were touching me.

How stupid was I?

I even began to accept myself. If it was Taecyeon, if he was just like me, then it was ok right? It was ok to have feelings for another boy, if that other boy was Taecyeon then it was ok.

I confess right before graduation. He had told me there was something he needed to tell me, but that he would do it after the graduation ceremony. I've always been an impatient child.

It was ok. I told myself. He was going to confess his feelings wasn't he? So what harm would there be if I did it first.

"I like you Taec"

"I like you too idiot" Came his response. He was staring at his image in the bathroom mirror, adjusting his graduation cap. I wasn't sure what I was thinking, or maybe I wasn't thinking at all. The latter seem more probable.

My intention was to kiss him, yet my lips somehow made contact with his chin instead. I've never seen him move so fast, the look of utter shock and disbelieve in his face one I would never forget.

"Junho was going on?"

"I though you said you like me. Isn't that what people that like each other do after a confession? Kiss?" I could feel my lips tremble, but I was very proud of how steady my voice was.

"Confession?" He seemed confused, really confused. That's when I knew. Yet as much as my brain kept screaming for me to back off, to play it off, to pretend it was all a graduation prank, as much as I knew I should keep quite I simply couldn't.

"I like you as a man Taec, I have liked you for a while"

Silence. Like heated knives stabbing me directly in the chest. Over, and over again. I was wounded, I'm sure I was, it was the only explanation for how bad it hurt, and I half expected to see my white shirt stained with blood.  

"Let's talk later"

With those simple words, he was gone. If I had known what would come next I would have never let him leave that room. If I had known I would not see him again for years to come I would have imprinted his last smile in my memories, I would have recorded the sound of his voice so that I could hear it as many times as I please... If only I had known, that on that day not only would I lose my best friend but that I would also lose myself... If only I had known...

Later on I found out the news he was so eager to tell me. He and Tiffany had decided to go out. I guess he assume I would be happy for him.

"How did you sleep?"

It was Khun that greeted me the next morning, the same warm smile and a cup of coffee already on hand. He was dressed in running gear, his shirt drenched with sweat.

"Not much, but that's a normal thing for me" He looked concerned but didn't ask, instead he leaned over the kitchen counter, watching me silently as I sip on the coffee. softly as the bitter taste reached my taste buds.

"Do you stare at everybody like that?" I asked, setting the mug down and taking one bar stools across from him.

"I only stare at the people I find interesting, why? Does it bother you?"

I opened my mouth to say yes, only to realize that it would be a lie. Actually his staring didn't bother me, on the contrary, I liked it.

Before my thoughts could wander off to dangerous waters I changed the subject, asking about the rest of the guys.

"MinJun does that morning talk show so the only mornings he's here is during weekends. Channie has class and Wooyoung works nights so he doesn't ever wake up before noon, and if you appreciate your life, do not wake him"

I was about to ask about the one person I had yet to see but as it turned out it wasn't necessary. He walked in, baggy sweats and a graphic t-shirt which he had somehow managed to put on backwards. His hair was a mess, sticking out in every direction you could think possible, and his eyes, hidden behind a pair of clear frame glasses, were barely open.

There was a grunt, I supposed it was meant to be a greeting, and then he was on me.

It was weird, to be held by him, so close I could smell the dried sweat on his skin. Feel the rough fabric of his shirt on my cheek. He had hugged me once before, since our little incident. Two weeks ago when I first met him after years of not speaking to each other. It was by pure coincidence that we met, a of random luck and unexplainable circumstances that let me to enter that cafe.

My first instinct had been to run. Hide, pretend that I didn't see him, act as if we were perfect strangers like he had done to me once before. I remember hearing my name come from his lips, surprise keeping me rooted in place. He had greeted me than, and after years of not speaking to each other, he was hugging me like old friends.

You would think I would have some pride.

Instead I found myself sitting in one of the most secluded tables, my hands holding on to the sides of my coffee mug, my gaze fixated on the steam coming from the liquid, secretly wishing I could be just like that steam, disappearing into thin air.

I remember the apologies, the excuses. I was young. I was stupid. I over reacted.

I wanted to scream, to tell him just how much he had hurt me. Just how deep the scars he had caused when. But life had made me a coward, and the idea of having someone I could call a friend again too tempting to pass on.

Perhaps it was the timing. I had just found out the company was dropping me and there was no one, not a single person that would care. I couldn't go home, my dad already thought of me a failure because of my "condition", returning after failing to become someone worthy was out of the question. So when Taecyeon learned of my situation and offered me a solution, it had not taken much for me to agree.

"I got home really late and didn't want to wake you"

His voice forced me to focus, and I pulled away from his hug, gently, subtlety. I willed my face to look friendly, my lips to smile.

"Don't worry. Khun explained you had to work" I try to look at everything but him. My eyes shifting from the counter top to the fridge, then the stove, the trash, the pot of coffee, it really didn't matter what I was looking at as long as it wasn't him.

I was sure my discomfort could be seeing clearly on my face. I've never been that good at pretending. I try to play it off as a joke. You are heavy get off. But it was already too late. Khun watched me with a hint of confusion and interest in his gaze, but he didn't speak of it. Instead he turned his attention back to Taecyeon, glaring.

"Leave Junho alone, I bet you didn't even take a shower when you got home last night did you?"

Taecyeon step back, taking a whiff of his shirt and crunching up his nose.

"I thought so. You couldn't even put your shirt on right" Nichkhun continued scolding and Taecyeon looked down, his expression that of a kicked puppy. It wasn't fair that I was compelled to reach out and comfort him.

"Let me take a shower and really wake up, we can go into town, I know a few places that are hiring" Taecyeon said, taking the bar stool next to mine.

I nodded, but didn't comment. My mind running through possible excuses of how I could get out of expending my afternoon with no one but Taecyeon for company.

It bothered me just how casual he was about this whole thing. Then again he was the one that had made the decision to completely take me out of his life. I, the idiot that had taken his apology and pretended it was all peaches and cream. Even going as far as accepting his help when I found myself in a tight spot.

In the long list of things that were horribly wrong with me, lack of pride and self-respect were at the top of the list.

"How about I take him?" It was Nichkhun that spoke now. He placed a mug of coffee in front of Taecyeon and a plate with a bagel and butter in front of me.

"Why would you?" Taecyeon asked, his tone suddenly sharp, and I looked at Khun, curious about his answer as well.

"Well for starters you worked a double yesterday and have to work tonight as well, don't you?"

Nichkhun noticed I wasn't touching the bagel, and like a mother taking care of her child he pushed the plate closer, telling me to eat.

"Junho is my responsibility Khun" Taec countered, but before I could open my mouth to tell him that in fact I wasn't, Nichkhun intervened.

"Look, I'm going to town to meet MinJun for lunch as it is, so I won't be going out of my way. You need to rest, I got the time. And besides, I think Junho is old enough to decide isn't he?"

"Junho..."

"I'll go with Nichkhun" I quickly added, interrupting whatever it was that Taecyeon was about to say. Nichkhun beamed, if that was even possible and Taecyeon... Well he didn't seem so pleased.

"Then it’s settled" Nichkhun said in an impossibly cheerful tone. He grabbed the bread from the plate, and with Taecyeon watching his every movement like a hawk, proceeded to feed me.

"I'm looking forward to getting to know our Junho better"

I didn't have to know Nichkhun for long to realize there was a lot more to that statement than simple words. He watched me patiently, holding the bagel in front of my face, waiting for me to make the next move. I could feel Taecyeon watching me, and regardless of how much time we spent apart, I knew him well enough to know that whatever it was that was going on here, he didn't like.

I looked at Nichkhun, he was smiling again, the food still suspended in the air, waiting for my acceptance. And then without another moment’s hesitation I leaned in and took a bite.