Was it possible, to get what you wanted, what you thought you need it… yet still feel empty inside?

There were lips on mine, moving gently over my own. Hands caressing my body, touching me in ways I had only dreamt of. Taecyeon was gentle, caring, loving… suffocating.

“Let’s take this slow Taec… I can’t…” I pushed him off and he looked hurt, but didn’t try to hold me back.

I search for my shirt, finding it on the floor next to the bed. I didn’t look at him, couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“Junho… I’m sorry”

There he was again, apologizing like he always did. What was he apologizing for? Did he even know what there was to apologize about?

I didn’t say a word. There was nothing to be said. Nothing I wanted to say. What was I about to do? Give myself over to him? Not once, out of the many times I had slept around, did I ever felt so filthy and cheap.

Had he come to me before, a few months back when I first came into the house, I would have given in without a doubt. But what was different now, what was different about me now?

“Something bothering you Junho?”

Nichkhun asked me a few days later. We were in our usual spot, me by the window staring at nothing in particular, him watching me from afar led pencil and sketch book on hand.

I was a coward, I never pretended to be otherwise, and Khun had become my way to escape facing my current problems, or better said facing Taecyeon. I need it time, time to think, to understand.

"Have you ever thought you wanted something, but then when you finally got it and it just..."

"Didn't do it for you?"

There was that knowing look in his eyes, the one that made me feel like he knew exactly what was going through my mind.

"Taec told you didn't he?"

"He didn't have to"

For a moment he seemed lost in his thoughts, and I found myself wanting to know what was going through his head.

I have seen sadness before, every day when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I know what it was like to cry myself to sleep each night. Feeling alone, hopeless, with nothing but my past mistakes to keep me going.

Yet none of that compared to the sadness I often saw in Khunnie's eyes.

Why was it, that despite it all, I always got the feeling that it wasn't me the one that need it the most help?

"You know I wasn't entirely honest with you when we first met. I knew who you were before you came knocking that day... Or better said I knew of you"

He paused, waiting for a reaction. But when there was none he kept on talking.

He told me about how he had met Taecyeon. Of how the two had hit it off from the start. He didn’t have to get into too many details. I knew. They had been intimate, quite a few times, Khun wanted more, Taecyeon was too busy telling tales of his best friend, the one that he hurt, the one that he had fallen in love with without knowing, the one that he hoped to see again. Taecyeon was too busy telling Khun about me to notice how Khun felt.

“So I moved on” Khun said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. As if he had not been hurt at all.

Liar.

“Then one day Taecyeon came to me, telling me an old friend wanted to rent the vacant room and I just knew it was you, without him saying it I knew. I wanted to meet you, really badly. I already knew so much about you from Taecyeon I felt like I knew you. Junho likes this, he hates this, he talks like this, he smiles like this. Without knowing I had committed everything he ever told me about you to memory, and then I met you. Looking sad, and lost, and so unlike the bright cheerful person that Taecyeon had described”

He stopped talking then, slowly getting up from his spot and coming to sit beside me. He handed me his sketch book, and I took it flipping through the pages one at a time. It was me. All me. My face was drawn into those pages over and over again. Each time the focus was in a different feature, my eyes, my mouth, my nose, the small creases on my forehead.

“That’s a reflection of what my head is like now. You… you are the only thing I see Junho…”

At that moment I was positive my heart would malfunction from how fast it was beating. Each time I flipped a page, each time I saw another of his sketches… seem myself through the eyes of another person. It was how Khun saw me, and it was beautiful.

I open my mouth to speak, tried to find the right words to say, but there were none.

Then our little piece of heaven was interrupted, a face I had never seen forcing the door open and coming into the studio.

“Minho…”

Khun groaned as he said the name and I looked at the stranger with a new found interest.

Minho was beautiful, dark locks framing a childlike face. Lean and athletic body which he carried with confidence and an air of superiority that made me feel like an even bigger loser than normal. 

“So he’s the reason you’ve been ignoring my calls? And here I was thinking it was MinJun blocking as usual”

Anything good and pure that his first impression had given was completely null the minute he spoke. There was nothing friendly about this person, nothing good. And all the hostility he gave up was directed in my direction.

“Junho has nothing to do with why I stop seeing you Minho, you know it”

“Junho so that’s his name?”

“Minho is best if you leave” Khun tried to reason, but it was obvious Minho had no intention of listening.

“Why because of this piece of trash?” His eyes were on me as he spoke and Khun took a menacing step forward.

“I said to leave Junho out of this”

“Or what you are going to hit me? Is not like you haven’t done it before” Khun’s back stiffen and Minho smirked maliciously.

“Did you know Junho? That Khun here has a tendency of hitting his lovers when he gets mad? He’s quite violent you know, and I’m not only talking about the ing. I would watch that pretty face if I was you”

Before Minho could spit anymore venom Khun was across the room, grabbing him by the collar and rushing him out of the room. It happened fast; Minho struggled, trying to fight, but Khun was stronger, grabbing him by the collar and lifting him a few centimeters off the floor before tossing him away. Like it wasn’t another human being he had just laid his hands on.

Minho was coughing, a look of pure hatred in his eyes that was directed directly at me. He didn’t say anything else as he gathered the last bit of dignity he had and left the room, but somehow I just knew this wouldn’t be the last time I would see him.

Khun wasn’t moving, standing in the middle of the room. His shoulders were shaking and the shock I had previously felt was immediately gone. I took a step closer calling out his name to warn him I was approaching.

“Khun…”

He still didn’t respond so I did what came most natural, I wrapped my arms around him from behind, my cheek pressed against his back.

“You know it’s true what he said…” he told me, not turning around to face me, not moving. He sounded like he wanted me to judge him, like he wanted me to tell him that he was some sort monster, but I couldn’t.

It was later on that day that I understood why MinJun had warned me against Khun when I first came here.

I didn’t know whether or not it was my place to speak of what happened with Khun, but curiosity was a very powerful emotion, and one I had never been able to control.

I called MinJun out, choosing a nearby coffee shop and forcing him to tell me about Khun.

Khun had moved to the city when he was barely of age. His parents had sent him to the states to study business so he could eventually take over the family company but instead he had taken the money they sent, ran off with a friend he had met in LA and purchased the apartment where we now live. His money came from the rent we pay, and the few paintings he actually sold.

Khun was a good guy. MinJun assure me. Good but confused. MinJun told me he didn’t know a lot of the details, but it seemed like Khun’s dad was abusive, verbally and physically.

“I met him once.” MinJun told me, the gripped he had on his coffee mug tightened and he seemed to grow angry as he remembered.

“He came into the house, back when it was only me and Khun leaving there. He found out where Khun ran off too, and he had found out that Khun was gay. He tried to get him to go back but Khun refuse, claiming he was off age and he couldn’t be forced to do something he didn’t want to. He beat him so badly, Junho… it hurt me to look at it. Even I got hit trying to intervene. But the worst part was that Khun just stood there and took it, he didn’t do a damn thing”

There wasn’t much after that. Apparently Khun had met Minho and the two got into a relationship that when bad real fast. Minho was possessive, jealous, and violent. He pushed Khunie’s buttons in all the wrong ways and the two would go constantly go at it. Khun didn’t see it as it been Minho’s fault. He saw it as him turning out to be just like his dad. It wasn’t until Taecyeon came into the picture that Khun decided to break it up with Minho.

I listened to it all carefully, committing every word to memory.

“You know, when you first came I asked you to stay away from Khun, not because he was a bad guy, but because he was damage. Just like you. I honestly didn’t think you two could do anything for each other but sink deeper into that depression that seems to weight you both down. But I was wrong…”

“Khun and I can’t be together”

MinJun watched me with those piercing eyes that more times than not made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. 

“Why? Because of Taec?” He asked.

There was no need for me to answer, I’m sure the way I dropped my gaze and avoided his eyes was more than enough confirmation.    

“I know you two have history, I’m no idiot. But let me ask you something Junho… is he really want you want? Or what you think you need?

Of course I wanted him. I had wanted to be with Taecyeon for as long as I can remember, and now what I wanted the most was at hands reach… so why was I so reluctant to grab it?  

“I was waiting for you”

I was reminded of the first day I had met Khun, right on the front steps of the place I now call home.  MinJun didn’t say anything, looking at Nichkhun once then back at me, his silent nod as he when inside saying a lot more than his heavily accented words ever could. Actually he had not said much as we walked back home. I was thankful for the silence, and the company, and strangely the words of wisdom.

What I want it.

To be honest it was a question I had never really asked myself.  

Most of the time my head was too clouded with a million other things to actually allow myself the luxury to think. With me it was always about running, running from my parents because they wouldn’t accept me, running from the company because it became too much for me to handle, running from every lover I ever had right before they got too close. Running because it was the easiest thing to do.

For me there was always a way out without having to deal with the problem.

Lately, before I had come here, it was the pills. They made me numb, and a doctor prescribed them so it was ok. It was a valid excuse, I kept telling myself that; but the thing was that they only made the problems go away momentarily, but really it didn’t solve them.

“It’s freezing out here”

He looked like he was cold, his nose and ears were red, lips trembling and I had the sudden urge to move closer to him, share a bit of my warmth. Really it would be of mutual benefit.

“How long have you been out here?”

I took a seat on the steps, leaving room for him to join me.

“Not long”

 He sat down and I allowed instincts to lead me and moved closer. His jacket was cold, near frozen. Like that of someone that had been out in the cold for far too long.

“Liar”

“It’s your fault for taking so long on your little date with MinJun” He teased, watching me from the corner of his eyes, and I shoved him playfully.

“Jealous?”

“Of MinJun? Nah, I happen to know he has an interest for specimens with big , round asses and long hair, last time I check you are lacking on two of those categories.”

He was teasing and I like it, the not so subtle comment on my not going unnoticed.

“Woo and I are planning to do something about the Fei situation, I’m not a big fan of meddling but if I let Wooyoung deal with it alone god knows how it would turn out” I told him and he laugh, apparently finding the possibility of me and Wooyoung playing cupid preposterous.

“All you two are going to do is get MinJun mad and then I’ll have to deal with the consequences”

“Which is why I’m giving you the warning” I said, knowing that despite his mocking he wasn’t against the idea.

It got quiet after that, not because there was nothing to say, but because between Khun and I sometimes words were unnecessary. I notice his lips were not trembling as much, his ears were still red though and I took off the beanie I was wearing, not asking as I put it on him, bringing down the sides so that they would cover the tip of his ears.

“I’m sorry about earlier” He spoke softly as I finish adjusting the hat “I must have scare you with what I said, and I understand if you don’t want to pose for me anymore”

“It was kind of creepy” I admitted. His cheeks turned a dark crimson and I knew it had nothing to do with the cold.

“But we are even, I bribe MinJun and had him tell me your life story.” I confessed, trying to make it sound as much as a joke as I could. Truthfully I was a little wary of his reaction.  “Now I know as much about you as you know about me”

Turns out there was no need.

I thought he would be upset I talked to MinJun but he actually seen relief. His features soften a bit and his gaze wander off, making me wish that I could somehow develop the ability to read minds.

“Am I making things difficult for you?” He asked, his attention now focus on pulling at a lose string from the sleeve of my jacket. We were sitting closer than it was necessary, but he didn't seem to mind.

“It would be a lie if I said you weren’t”

With Khun there was no sugar coating, no need to front or pretend. From the second we had met, I had never had to be someone I was not. Khun had accepted me from the very start, accepted me for me. Something Taecyeon didn’t do. Funny how once you realize you have choices weighing the pros and cons of things become a lot easier.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. You did me a favor”

“Did I Junho? Did I really?”

Maybe it was my imagination, or perhaps it was recognizing my own issues when I saw them on someone else. Nichkhun seem tormented, apprehensive about things that had not happened, that would probably never happen. Things that were out of his control. Regretful of decisions he had made, wishing he was able to take them back. Not realizing that if at that moment he had held back, he may have spent the rest of his life wondering what if?

I thought of saying something then I realize how big of a hypocrite I would sound like if I did. Didn’t I spend a good part of my life regretting the decisions I had made in the pass?

It was an impulse, to eliminate the few inches of empty space between us, our lips touching for a few seconds, his cold and rigid, not having enough time to register my action to react accordingly.

"I remember that been a little better the last time" I said as I pulled away. The chock was gone from his eyes and was now replaced with confusion and uncertainty.

"I like you better when you were all nonchalant and flirty" I said, trying to pretend what I had just done was not a big deal at all. But the moment quickly passed and I knew that what I had just done was wrong. Yet I had zero regrets.

Sometimes life just happens, the cold creeps in a little deeper into our bones and we seek out that warmth only another person can provide. I was freezing, and the heat Khun was giving off had never been as tempting, or alluring as it was right now.

One moment we were both walking into the apartment, going off to our respective rooms. The next I'm running into him as he leaves our share bathroom, a towel draped over his shoulders, the minty smell of his toothpaste as he whispers a quite good night the last thing I felt as I walked into the bathroom and he disappeared down the hallway.

I watched my face, brush my teeth, then stare at myself in the mirror for quite some time. The reflective surface was still smug from the steam of Nichkhun's shower. Actually the whole room smelled like him, his shampoo, his soap, his aftershave. I could pin point each smell and it dawned on me that I shouldn't be able to do that. I tried to remember what Taecyeon smelled like but the memory was not there.

The shower didn’t help either. At first the water was relaxing, calming even but then I reached out for the bath sponge, grabbing Khun's by accident and it starts all over again. He was here, not too long ago, in the same shower space. Probably thinking like I currently was.

Did I overstep my boundaries? He had never said he was interested in me, not directly. Sure there was that kiss a while back, but that had been nothing more than some and one too many tequila shots.

I stopped myself from going any further down that line of thought, turning off the shower and stepping out.

It was so like me to try and find faults where there were none. He was interested. A decent guy actually liked me, someone that I hadn't met in a bar and that didn't lose interest the second he realized he wasn't getting into my pants.

The question was, did I feel the same way about him?

I slipped into the pair of boxers and sweats I had brought with me, not bothering with the shirt and throwing a dry towel over my wet hair. The question kept repeating itself over and over again in my head. Did I like Khun? Or was I just infatuated with the idea that someone like him was interested in me?

I found an answer to the question far quicker than I had expected. He was waiting outside my room by the time I got there, and even thought I knew how bad of an idea it was, I invited him in.

We both knew what would happen, what we both want it to happen, so when he closed the door behind him, the click of the lock louder than it had ever been before, and came to stand behind me… his hands slowly running up and down my arms, followed by a chase kiss to my neck… I just knew there was no going back.

He turned me around slowly, cupping my face between his hands and forcing me to look at him. There was no question or uncertainty in his eyes, just a fiery determination as he leaned closer. It wasn’t like earlier, when his lips were cold and unresponsive. Shy at first, just a subtle brush that sent a jolt of electricity down my spine and made my knees weak. A little bolder after, on my lips, tilting his head to get in deeper. Then impossibly amazing, he was all over, kissing. . Biting. Tasting. My arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled him closer, wanting more. Needing more than just a kiss.

I wanted him. All of him. Wanted it more than I ever wanted anything else in my life.