It starts with a simple line of color, a bright blue that seems to shine in contrast to the dull colors that previously covered the white canvas I called life.

The line of color goes by the name of Wooyoung.

He’s impossible to figure out, a volatile and unpredictable force that if you were to allowed it would take every single bull excuse you have ever made for yourself and throw it in your face. He’s calm and cool just like the color, yet as bright and beautiful. I could talk to Wooyoung, tell him what I felt, how I felt. I didn’t have to pretend, not with him. Not that I could even if I wanted to.

The line of blue is follow by a splash of red. 

MinJun is passionate and bold, just like the color. Where the red meets the white it changes to a dark shade of pink. He’s soft and gentle, soothing, just like it, calming and a source of comfort. But where the red meets the black it turns into a darker shade, the color of iron: strong, supportive, a column to lean on when I felt the world was coming down on me.

True was without those two I doubt I would have been able to adjust as fast as I had.

As per usual time didn’t slow down, a day turned into a week, a week into a month and soon two months had gone by. I had a job, working at the broadcast station with MinJun in the mornings. I didn’t do much, answer phones, took song request and told people they weren’t the 9^th caller when a contest was going on. It was boring but it brought in a paycheck.

My life was not more interesting than it had been before I came here, if anything it was duller. Yet I found I prefer it that way.

Not much has changed, just little things. I knew the way to the apartment now, the business around it. I knew where to go to get my milk, the places that sell alcohol if I need it a drink, a calm path to travel during my night runs. Not much had changed, but at least now the word home easily slipped out whenever I refer to the place I share with 5 other. People use the word friend when referring to me, and well… I had Taecyeon.

He was a reminder of what I was like, of the person I was capable of being. Of the person I could be. He gave me hope… of what I was not clear on. He was hard to read, impossible to understand, and the feelings I had hidden away slowly began to leak through a small tiny crack he had created on the wall I built around myself.

“Junho, you are spacing out again”

He smiled, that charming smile.

“I wasn’t spacing out Khun, you know sitting here is not exactly fun you know?”

“And you know how much I appreciate you doing this for me right?”

I didn’t say anything else, going back to the previous position I was in, staring out the only window in Khun’s art studio.

 I did that a lot.

He had insisted until he was blue in the face and finally I had agreed to be his model. I would come once a week, sit down do nothing and let Khun sketch to his heart content. The only sound that could be heard was the led pencil as it scratched the surface of the paper on Khun’s hand.

I have never seen the sketch and we had been doing this for weeks now. I never ask. I figure Khun would show it to me once he felt it was right. Actually there was a lot about Khun I didn’t know, he never worked, never spoke about family, and I doubted what he earned selling his paintings was enough for him to support himself. Yet he always smiled, was always cheerful and positive. The day him and MinJun have had their fight was the only time I had seeing him frown.  

We never talked about that night, he and MinJun made up soon after and it was as if nothing had happened. I never found out who Minho was nor did we brought up what had happened between us that night at the club. Actually with Khun difficult topics or ones that would bring complications were usually avoided.

Khun was the yellow strikes that brought life to my canvas. Bright, cheerful, hopeful, warm. He was the speck of light in a gloomy day. Yet just like the sun, necessary in order to survive, expose yourself to much to its light without the right protection and it would slowly burn you without you realizing it until it’s too late.  

I still didn't know the reasons why I was warned against him, but I knew that someone that smile so much, someone that held everything in as he did... It wasn't healthy.

I would know.

The silence was interrupted by the sound of a phone. It took me a few minutes to realize that it was my own and I answered it. The conversation was short, a few seconds later I was getting up and gathering my things.

"Khun, I gotta go"

"Taec call uh?"

Khun knew. He always did. Actually I suspected that out of everyone in the house he knew the most. About me, about Taec, about that strange relationship we had that not even I completely understood.

"He's off today"

"And he calls and you all but teleport to get to him. You know you two need to settle whatever it is you have going on, it’s not fair to those of us watching from the sidelines"

"It's not like that between us"

It wasn't. Me and Taec, we were more like a kicked puppy and its owner. Me being the idiot animal that kept trusting even though I knew I shouldn't, sticking out my tongue and wagging my tail when he all but offer a bit of attention.

Talk about being pathetic.

"At least not for Taec" I felt the need to add and Khun's knowing gaze lock on me.

"Says who? Did you ask him?" Khun's tone was playful but the look on his face was all business. He was asking, and it was up to me to decide whether or not to answer.

"I did... A very long time ago. He didn't take it so well"

It was unnerving, to have someone studying your face, knowing that they knew you were only pretending to be ok.

So I did what I knew best. Change the subject.

"You coming home on time for dinner?"

"If I manage to drag MinJun out of that damn box he calls a studio I just may"

He gave me that look, we both knew if he was waiting for MinJun to finished recording he wouldn't make it home at a decent time.

I turned to leave but stopped, I wanted to say something, I should have said something, but I didn't.

And just like that another moment passed.

Chansung was splashes of green and brown scattered throughout my painting.

At times he when unnoticed, like the beautiful colors of nature that we often don't take the time to appreciate. but are always there. Chansung was unselfish love, abundance of affection, an almost painful innocence. He trusted, he believed, and unmark soul that had yet to be tainted by the vial place this world could be. Not because he was naïve or didn’t see the world for what it was. He saw. He saw it all. The bad. The horrible. The nasty and the insufferable, yet he always made an effort to disregard it all, always looking for the upside of things.

It made me jealous.

"Junho you wouldn't mind if I brought a cat into the house right?"

I missed whatever it was that led to the question. Chansung looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"I don't mind cats"

The smile Chansung gave me in return was dazzling, but Wooyoung wiped it off his face seconds after.

They engaged in an argument about the pros and cons to having a pet in the house. Chansung was losing, Wooyoung was not the keep-a-pet kind of guy but I didn't have the heart to tell Chansung he was wasting his time.

Instead my attention when back to the man sitting a few feet away on the recliner chair. He smiled, then glanced in the direction of the balcony, getting up and heading outside.

It was early December and winter was in its early stages; he was an idiot for coming out here and I a bigger dumb for following.

"Any particular reason why you wanted to come out here and freeze your ?"

He laughed at my current state, wrapped up in a fleece blanket I had stolen from the couch, my hands shaking as I pulled the fabric closer to my body.

"Come here"

He opened his arms, warm, wide and inviting. I thought about it, took a step closer even. Then ended up hugging myself tighter, leaning against the railing beside him.

He sighed, an audible sound of disappointment.

"Why are you always running Junho?"

My eyes were directed at the floor. It was always safest to look away.

"I'm not running Taec, I'm right here"

"So why is it so hard for me to catch you?"

He was on me then, arms holding on tight, knocking the air right out of my lungs.

Get away.

I held him tighter, burying my face in his chest, taking the warmth he offered. I wanted to scream, to push him away.

Don't be nice to me.

Don't you see is more than just a friendship for me?

Don't you see I may misunderstand?

"Junho..."

"Please don't."

I knew what he was going to say. I was no idiot. I knew from the very start. I knew the way he touched me, so gentle so caring, I knew the way he looked at me, longing, needing.

He didn't have to say a word.

I didn’t want him to.

It was unconditional love on my part, on his… I wasn’t sure what was driving him. Guilt? A need to redeem himself? Whatever it was it wasn’t what I want it, it wasn’t how I want it.

But it was happening anyway.

His lips brush my forehead, gentle, moist… he moved lower searching, touching. Fingers brushed the underside of my chin, lifting my face up to get a better look. Dark eyes that me in, that made it impossible for me to look away.

Taecyeon was the black on my painting.

He the light right out of life, he brought me back to this dark place I was trying so hard to get away from. The dark I was tired of running from. The dark I was ready to give in to.

“If we do this…” I manage to ask, his hot breath on my cheek, lips moving closer. Dangerously close. It made it difficult to think.  “If we do this what does it mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?”

Wrong answer.

“I should go back in”

“Just think about it Junho” He said from behind me, not moving from his spot. “I know that how I acted back then doesn’t give you any reason to trust me but… just think about it”

The temperature dropped a few more degrees that night.

No one was awake at this time. No one decent at least. Wooyoung and I sat on the steps to our building, wrapped in thick jackets, neither really minding the cold.

“So what are you planning on doing?”

He asked, taking a hit from the cigarette he had just lit. I was compelled to ask for it, and perhaps I was starting a bit too hard because Wooyoung moved his hand in my direction, a silent offer.

“What I’m planning on doing? Or what I’m more than likely going to end up doing?”

I asked, putting the cigarette between my lips, liking the burning sensation as the nicotine made its way into my lungs.

“We both know I have no self-respect, I know I shouldn’t, but I want what he offers. And I don’t know how to say no”

“If you had no self-respect” He told me, taking the cigarette back from my hands “You would have given in to Khun that night at the club. So stop bull-ing yourself and call it like it is. When we think we are in love we get stupid. You wouldn’t be the first idiot.”

“Talking from experience are we?”

He laughed, a cynical laugh that told me my assumption wasn’t far from the truth.

“Let’s just say that she was beautiful and too good for a going-no-where-sarcastic-bastard like me”

I felt like telling him that he was none of those things. That he had a future, that he was bright and smart, and anyone in their right mind would be blessed to have someone like him beside them. But I didn’t.

Wooyoung and I were more alike than either one of us wanted to admit. And I knew my words wouldn’t really make a difference. It wasn’t me he wanted to hear them from anyway.

“Any particular reason you two knuckle heads are out here freezing your ?”

MinJun looked between us, a questioning look on his face. Neither he nor Khun had made it back home yet. It was normal for MinJun to stay out late but it wasn’t like Khun.

“We were waiting for you hyung!”

Wooyoung’s voice dropped, now more high pitch and a tab bit annoying. It didn’t work. MinJun moved closer, smacking him on the side of the head.

“If Taec catches you smoking he’s going to kill you”

“He won’t know if you keep your trap shut”

The two stare at each other for a while, but MinJun’s gaze was more than any normal person could handle and Wooyoung eventually gave up, taking the pack of cigarettes and giving it to MinJun. He mumbled something inaudible that neither I nor MinJun really bother to listen to.

“Junho, is Khun back yet?”

“I left a while back, he said he was coming home with you?”

If something was going on MinJun did an amazing job at hiding it. “You two go back in before you catch a cold, I’m going to go find Khun”

“I’ll come with” Wooyoung got up after a silent nod from MinJun, but before I could say a word he stopped me.

“We’ve done this before Junho, so don’t worry. Now go on in, I think you and a certain someone have some unsettle business to deal with”

The two made their way back to where MinJun had come from, walking quickly until they were nothing but shadows in the distance.

It was a while until I finally made the decision to go in, taking my time to walk to my room. Chansung had passed out on the sofa, limps hanging uncomfortably off the side. I threw a blanket over him, not having the energy to try and move his body.

“He’s going to wake up sore tomorrow”

I knew that voice. Even in the darkness of the living room.

“He’s probably exhausted because of finals”

It was a casual conversation. That was supposed to be safe right? I began to make my way towards my room, knowing that he was only a few steps behind me.

We were in my room now, him closing the door behind him.

“Why now Taec?” I asked, unable to hide the hurt and insecurity from my voice. I sounded like a scare child but I didn’t care. I wanted him to know I was scared, I wanted him to understand this situation was not easy for me.

“Why now and not then?”

“Because I wasn’t sure about a lot of things back then Junho”

“And now you are?” I sounded bitter and resentful but quite frankly I didn’t care. I turned to look at him, really look at him. He was watching me with pleading eyes, his fist pulling at the hem of his shirt nervously.

“Back then… I didn’t know what I wanted Junho, I was… coping, trying to understand what it was that was going on with me, hiding from it. And then you just came, blurt it out what I had been denying for so long. I panicked, so I ran from you”

“And it didn’t occur to you that I was hurt and as confused as you were? Did you think it was easy for me to say that to you?” I wasn’t sure if I was shouting, if it was all inside my head but Taecyeon took a step back, dropping his gaze.

“I know it wasn’t…” he began “Which is why I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t be with you when I wasn’t sure. I had to be sure about myself first.”

He sighed, looking up at me once more, then walking over to sit at the edge of the bed. I remained in my same position, not wanting to look at him in the face. 

“At first I pretended like it was nothing, I dated some girls, told myself that it was how it should be. But then I would see you around, run into you from time to time. Eventually I moved away. Ran away. I came here, where no one knew me and I began experimenting”

“Experimenting?” I questioned, not sure that I wanted to know exactly what he meant by that.

“I wanted to be sure, before I found you again I wanted to be sure. So I met someone. He was my first. He… helped me cope, helped me understand. He showed me that a relationship between two men wasn’t something to be afraid or disgusted by”

Something that Wooyoung had told me once came to mind and I wasn’t sure why I asked, not that it would make a difference but I was curious; part because it burned me that he had given himself to someone that wasn’t me.

“Khun. Right?”

He didn’t look surprised that I already knew and simply nodded.

"Things were intense between us at one point, but Khun… Khun likes games, nothing serious. It was perfect for what I need it.”

“And how is this supposed to help me feel better Taec?”

“Because I did it for you. I always wanted you… but I didn’t want to risk it, I didn’t want you to be my experiment, my way of finding out whether or not I was really gay. If I accepted you… I wanted things to work Junho.”

And for that I really had nothing to say. He sighed, a determined look on his face as he got off the bed and eliminated the short distance that was between us. Cupping the side of my face he leaned closer, pressing our foreheads together. It was a gesture as old as our friendship, something we often did. Different was that back then it was innocent, sweet… this time there was so much more behind it. The heat that radiated off his body seem to slowly burned pass my barriers, waiting for me to drop the last of my defense, to give in and take the next step.

Our lips brushed and I stopped breathing.  

He on my upper lip, and an embarrassing sound came from my throat.

He claimed my mouth and there was no desire left in me to fight.