“Say aaaah…,” Hanbin said with pampering voice and the effort of making a cute face which successfully turned everyone’s head in the room to vomit. Hanbin and his common idiosyncrasy is tolerable, but Hanbin and aegyo? No, thanks. He holds a spoonful of porridge and flew it around like a plane before placing it in front of Chanwoo’s mouth, asking for entrance.

“Are you shy? It’s okay, maknae,” Hanbin convinced, his eyes are bright and his hand still steadily holds the spoon even though the other person shuts his door tightly.

Chanwoo, on the other hand, doesn’t seem as excited as Hanbin. He was hesitate and somehow managed to look okay while everyone can see how scared the youngest boy is. He really wanted to ask if Hanbin was okay, if he was not holding his head against the wall, or if he was truly healthy because Chanwoo thought he’s too happy. The younger seems to pity Hanbin for seconds later and decided to give in. He shakingly opens his mouth and slowly devouring the spoonful that Hanbin holds. His forehead creased when he saw the change of size in Hanbin’s eyes. They keep getting bigger and bigger as Chanwoo munched every little chicle of the porridge.

He’s insane.

“Good boy!” Hanbin ruffles the younger’s hair before scooping another spoonful. Chanwoo seems confused with Hanbin’s excitement before finally muttering, “..thank you,”

Donghyuk laughs at Chanwoo’s response and slapped Hanbin’s back softly, “You scared him!”

“N-no,” Chanwoo quickly denied. Truth be told, yes he’s ing scared, but in a way where he’s more scared of Hanbin’s condition than Hanbin himself, “..I’m just not so hungry, Hanbin-hyung nim—I mean, hyung,” he still found it awkward to drop the honorifics to a person he just met two days ago. Correction: he probably had met Hanbin somewhere in his life before the surgery and got really close to him but he still felt awkward for the fact that he somehow just knew him two days ago.

Strange.

Speaking honest, he thinks the normal life that he does right now for the past two days would go weird without the strange feeling that he obtained each day. Even if he could measure all his life, these two days would probably be the most confusing moment of all the years he has lived. When he woke up to two strangers on his bed, he should be really questioning was it really his bed or others’ bed. Because the next happened was the existence of all wires connected to his body and other fun fact from a person—he later knew was named Gu Junhoe—that he was in hospital.

Surprise surprise.

Everything suddenly turned fast, more people came to his room, some are screaming and some are crying, and he never felt any festivity feeling such that to ever happen before, even in his birthday. The only face he knew that saved him from all the foreignness is his brother. Hyunwoo hugged him tight once he got into the room, panting hard.

“Are you running to get here?” Chanwoo asked in bewilderment. He could feel his brother nodded in his shoulder and tears trickle down to his back.

Chanwoo patted Hyunwoo’s back softly, failed to understand, “…don’t hurry yourself,” was all he could say.

It was until yesterday when the doctor finally released his MRI result and found that he suffered from retrograde amnesia. Doctor told that Chanwoo only remember personal and repetitive information that he got from day to day basis since he was born. That explained of why Chanwoo remembered his brother, his own name, where he lives, but couldn’t remember his current life as idol.

When Yunhyeong asked if his memories could return, doctor only said, “..it’s possible, but I cannot guarantee when his memories will fully recover,” he paused to see the change of expression in Yunhyeong and other young men in front of him.

“Let’s hold on to the miracle again. You guys are succeed in doing it last time, aren’t you?” then he left them with a smile.

Chanwoo honestly faced difficulty adjusting to daily life again and he needed to learn everything from zero. The members and his brother started to share stories with him everyday about everything that he forgot. It must be tiring, but they feel happy because Chanwoo’s consciusness is all that matters.

“What kind of person whose heart to put you all in such terrible survival programs…. twice?” Chanwoo once asked when Jinhwan told him about WIN and Mix and Match. The other members muffled their laughs while Junhoe just heartily laughs without bothering the confused look in Chanwoo’s eyes.

The hesitant Jinhwan scratched the back of his head, “..it’s.. he’s.. Yang Hyun Suk,” without adding any honorific which lead them to a continuous laugh again.

Day by day, all of them are patiently exchanging position to tell stories to Chanwoo. Hearing the good news, their company extended their visitation in Vancouver and free them from all activities in Seoul to help Chanwoo finding out everything. The youngest start growing fond of the members again and he gets more and more comfortable with them within a week. Bobby played their songs everyday in Chanwoo’s room and he jammed to it until he remembered some of the lyrics. He was surprised of his own capability to sing when Donghyuk explained him the lyrics parts for Apology. Junhoe told him about the placards and posters that the fans made for him and he even asked if later Chanwoo would send a video message to thank them, in which Chanwoo agreed.

There’s no day passed without story telling and affection from the members and questions after questions from Chanwoo’s curious mind. Fortunate enough, the members have been craving so long to talk to Chanwoo that they seemed to never get tired of it even though Chanwoo still finds it hard to remember new things. They always answer all his questions patiently  no matter how long it was or how many times Chanwoo have asked the same questions again and again.

Yet as much as they want to answer Chanwoo’s questions, there’s one question that still seems difficult for Yunhyeong to answer.

It was another snowy day in the end of March when Chanwoo was about to do his therapy to release the stress and stiffness in his nerves due to his six months inability to move. Yunhyeong was always the person in charge to accompany Chanwoo whenever he got the therapy schedule. They just went back from the therapy center and Yunhyeong walked him around slowly in the hospital with the help of his arms. He should be using wheelchair, but he insisted to walk from his room to the therapy room and vice versa for accelerating the ‘wake up’ of his sleeping nerves. And the doctor agreed.

“Hyung, you told me that I donored my kidney to your sister,” Chanwoo panted hard, tired of walking with his heavy legs and stiff as steel feet. His head leaned back but can see clearly the tired Yunhyeong in the corner of his eyes. The latter nodded, confirming Chanwoo’s question.

“Why did I?” he asked with his one-two breathing, “Why did I do that?”

Yunhyeong’s heart is pounding hard at the question as he sorted in his mind of what would be the best answer to speak out. He couldn’t just lie because that was not how he should pay back Chanwoo’s kindness to his family. Yet he couldn’t just blabber the truth either because it could be wrecking awkward for them both.

“You’re just… a very nice person,” Yunhyeong said in an unsure tone. He could feel the dissatisfied Chanwoo developed creased in his forehead.

“Could a person donor one of most treasured things that could take away his life because he is nice?” he was not being cynical, Chanwoo is truly asking just in case if probably the way the world goes has been changed.

Yunhyeong sighed, loss at words.

“Are we really close before?”

“We’re crazily close,” Yunhyeong smiled when he remembered how Chanwoo would curl up in his embrace whenever they slept. Now it feels like thousand memories ago for Yunhyeong since they never did it anymore in a year.

Chanwoo nodded, “I think so. Because it feels comfortable to be with you, hyung,”

“You remember?” Yunhyeong knew he asked the impossible when Chanwoo weakly shook his head. Yet the elder is quite thankful that Chanwoo could sense how close they used to be.

Silence falls as Chanwoo signaled to Yunhyeong to take a bit rest on the nearest bench. His hand holds his chest as he calm down his messy breathing.

“Anyway..,” Chanwoo paused, he stares Yunhyeong some time before sighing, asking for another air to fill up his lungs.

“Was it probably because…,” red suddenly blossomed on Chanwoo’s face and he quickly covered it out of his embarrassment. Yunhyeong was confused yet smiled at the same time witnessing how cute the younger is.

“You know it’s just a question and I hope you would not think of anything bad of myself,” Chanwoo put an excuse before throwing his upcoming question. Yunhyeong nods in agreement and when Chanwoo gestured him not to laugh, Yunhyeong nodded again.

“…because.. probably,” he is hesitate, “…I …I like your sister?  Am I her boyfriend or what?” he suddenly jumped to a conclusion and Yunhyeong couldn’t help but laugh. The younger covered his already red face again and Yunhyeong could only pat his back softly to calm him down.

“You promised not to laugh,” Chanwoo jokingly pinched the elder.

“I’m sorry it was just funny,” he honestly answered before getting another small pinch from Chanwoo. Yunhyeong could clearly understand his curiousity even though his question was literally out of his prediction and very very surprising. He himself would be the same if he was put in Chanwoo’s position.

Yunhyeong tried to muffle his laugh and string the words in his mind that would be pretty close to the truth, “No. Definitely no. You didn’t like my sister nor you are his boyfriend. I don’t think I would permit you both either, “Yunhyeong sticked his tongue out he knew it only made Chanwoo more and more deadly embarassed.

“I was.. I was crying everyday and one day you wanted to make it stop. We’re good friends and I never expected you to ever do that,” Yunhyeong’s throat got lump when the memory of him finding out Chanwoo’s x-ray result in his room flashed back in mind, “…I was surprised as well..,”

Chanwoo saw the change of expression in Yunhyeong’s face and he didn’t know why he got this crazy idea in mind. He bits his bottom lip, feeling to jump in conclusion again in a bigger hesitation because he knew this one would probably shocking.

But he wanted to know the truth of who he was.

“Then.. did I probably like you? What was I to you?”

Silence falls. His words hang in the air and his breathe was the only melody heard. Yunhyeong was going to say no but he knew Chanwoo caught his word again.

“I think I did, right?”

Dear Chanwoo,

What did I feel to you?

Is it love?

Is it symphathy?

Could you please solve it for me?

Song Yunhyeong

“I hope I could return his love.. I’m so frustrated that I wanted to die,”

“Don’t force yourself,”

“But.. but I have to–“

“Don’t…,”

“There’s no one that obliged you to do so,”

“…and it would only pain him more than what he is right now,”

“I would be the first person to break your leg if you break his heart by returning his love only to feed your pity feeling,”

Jinhwan left the door shut and Yunhyeong was heard crying again at his room.

“..and that was when I discovered you have talent for lying. I mean, you even lied to me that you were sick,” Junhoe finished his story of how Jinhwan, Hanbin, Bobby, and Hongseok pranked him by leaving only the pretending-to-be-sick Chanwoo and him in hotel furing their fanmeeting in Japan.

Chanwoo deadly laughed listening to Junhoe’s story. He was turning his head and coughed a little because of too much laughing.

“Seems like you caught my cough again,” Junhoe sounds a bit worried.

“Again?” Chanwoo didn’t understand and Junhoe puts the ‘c’mon’ looks in his face before pulling it back when he remembered that Chanwoo was amnesia.

“You always catch my cough. What a good kid you are,” Junhoe explained, obtaining a smile from Chanwoo, “..always? Am I closest to you back then?”

Junhoe shook his head, “Not at all. You’re the closest to Yunhyeong hyung,”

“How close am I to Yunhyeong hyung?”

“To the extent that you’re sleeping in his embrace everyday and crazily walked barefoot in the middle of midnight to go to his room and made me dead worried in the morning because you were gone from your bed,”

Chanwoo thinks deeply, “..that’s pretty crazy,”

“I think so,” Junhoe took a cake on the table and started munching it. He offered some bits to Chanwoo but the younger didn’t respond “..what are you thinking?” Junhoe would always start worrying when Chanwoo stopped talking and drawning himself to think hard. Doctor said that he shouldn’t be burdened with some complicated memories because he still got frequent headache of post-coma.

 “That we are close now, probably you could sleep with me tonight,” Chanwoo jokes and Junhoe coughed hard at his sentence, “…are you insane?” he then laughs even though part of him jumped inside because Chanwoo considered him as one of his closest mates now. He still remembered his promise to Chanwoo and he still wants to redeem until now.

“I just think… is it possible if I did like Yunhyeong hyung?” Chanwoo got serious tone and Junhoe coughed even harder choking the cook he munched after listening to the question. It was not his ill. It’s his question.

“I….,” Junhoe was at loss of words in his munch, “…don’t know,”

“Maybe yes and maybe no, but why would you?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Chanwoo frowns, “I mean.. why wouldn’t I be in love with someone as sweet and friendly and nice as Yunhyeong hyung?”

“I mean you’re a…,”

“I know, I know,” Chanwoo quickly cut and laughed afterwards and Junhoe shook his head in disbelief. Junhoe feels the old Chanwoo was never gone even though his memories have all long gone.

Dear Chanwoo,

How to pay back your feeling?

I’m an utter mess right now thinking of what I should do.

I’m hating myself for being guilty

I’m hating myself for everything that I couldn’t do

I’m hating myself that I want to just see myself die

Song Yunhyeong

It’d been nearly two weeks since Chanwoo woke up from his coma state. He has been getting better and better thanks to all the members and his patient brother. The doctor has allowed him to go back to his house and the members are all screaming at happiness when they started to pack Chanwoo’s belongings in the hospital. Being in wheelchair, Chanwoo couldn’t help much but only stare at them do the packing. Yunhyeong then realize that the youngest might be getting bored from only looking at them being busy and start reaching out to him.

“Wanna get some air?” Yunhyeong approached his handle and Chanwoo only nodded.

There’s not much to see in the hospital beside people, white floor, white ceiling, white beds, and some plantings in the mid park that could possibly heal the sad heart. For Chanwoo, he would like to see people the most because hospital had the most diverse expressions of people within. Happiness, from a new dad and new mom who just gave birth of her first child; sadness, from people that got bad news about their relatives; confused, when the doctor told them that the cost for surgery would be insanely high; and despair, to the one that lost a family.

He wondered of what expressions that Yunhyeong and the other members have shown when they waited for him to wake up. He suddenly feels how much of burden he must’ve been for the others, especially to Hyunwoo.

Yunhyeong suddenly stopped and plop himself on a bench that was placed in front of glass. They could see a huge fountain outside that have been frozen due to winter. He looks at the figure in front of them with his wide smile that filled his face and Chanwoo couldn’t stop staring at Yunhyeong, still trying to figure out what they feel.

“We’re going to leave tomorrow,” Yunhyeong sighed, “..I really want to stay here and take care of you. I mean, we all have been missing you for months and two weeks were just not enough,”

“I’m sorry..,” Chanwoo suddenly said and Yunhyeong quickly divert his gaze to meet Chanwoo’s.

He looks confused of the sudden apology, “..of what?”

“Being a burden to you, making you all spend your time to take care of me, making you all waiting for me to wake up, while I could not remember you once I opened my eyes. It must’ve been hurt,” Chanwoo bows down, he couldn’t afford to see Yunhyeong right now, “I’m really, truly sorry,”

On the other hand, Yunhyeong’s heart was in pain listening to the apology that he would never deserve. What Yunhyeong has done all this time would never be able to be compared to what Chanwoo has been through and done to his life. He’s basically not only saving Yunhyeong’s life, but also his sister’s, his family, and all that he asked about is only Yunhyeong’s smile.

Yunhyeong couldn’t bear the tears to trickle down his face.

“Look,” Yunhyeong holds Chanwoo’s chin to look at him now, “..even if I died, I would never be able to reply what you’ve done to me,”

Chanwoo was not crying, yet he could not bear seeing Yunhyeong cried and started wiping the tears on Yunhyeong’s cheek, “..don’t cry. I did never mean to make you sad,”

“You’re really a strong person,” Yunhyeong bitterly smiled before carressing Chanwoo’s cheeks. Chanwoo could see the desperation in Yunhyeong’s eyes that he never understood of what that was, “I believe you’ll be fine without me,”

Chanwoo was still trying to understand what Yunhyeong means when suddenly he feels Yunhyeong’s lips crashes on his, softly, tenderly, he is kissed. He doesn’t know what happened nor how that happened but it feels real, and it does real. He was taken aback and his eyes widen as he felt the warmth from Yunhyeong’s lips. His heart pounds faster and his mind was blown by the surprise. It doesn’t feel familiar for him yet he strangely and unknowingly feels like himself has been longing for this. His organs feel stiffened as if he just woke up again from his coma. He feels the tears that trickle down on Yunhyeong’s face, the breathe that brushes the tip of his nose, and his soft hair that carresses his forehead softly.

He’s lying if he doesn’t like it, but at the same time he is confused and battled with his mind of why would he like it?

Why does it feel so right for him when it’s clearly wrong?

Why is he not disgusted by the feeling?

What did he do in his previous life with Yunhyeong that made it feels so real?

Once Yunhyeong pulled back, Chanwoo feels weak all over his body. The shiver was sent down to his spine and his head hurts. It hurts so bad from a lot of thoughts, unanswered questions, and hunch that it could explode anytime soon. He felt his eyes hurt and followed by all the nerves in his body. He starts sweating and holds the back of his head, holding the urge of screaming.

“I’m sorry…,” Yunhyeong was crying even louder as he regret what he just did.

Chanwoo shuts his eyes tightly and could barely hear what Yunhyeong said after because it was all blurry for him afterwards. He closed his eyes, blood starts running down from his nose and mouth, and the last thing he heard was Yunhyeong’s loud voice that asked for a help.

Dear Chanwoo,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Song Yunhyeong

“Why did you do that?”

“I… I want to.. make sure,” he sobs, “..I’m sorry. I really want to know. I know I’m selfish but I’m confused.. and frustrated. I don’t know what I should do and I hope I could love—“

“Hyung, please stop. Stop saying sorry,”

“It’s just… I feel like I would never be enough to—“

“Hyung, look. I’m okay. I’m fine. Perfectly fine. Don’t worry about me,”

“I hope I could… you know..,” his words are hitched of his sobs.

“Hyung, I bet my old self would be dead sad to see you wrecking like this. I was happy to help your sister back then and I am even happieer now,”

He didn’t respond.

“Believe me.. I don’t regret it any. You’re important to me,”

“Hyung…,” he holds his hand tightly, “…forget about the feeling that I used to have,” his voice wrecked to realise just how strange the sentence he just delivered.

“It’s over now, I’m okay with whatever you feel toward me because I didn’t even remember a bit of my feeling towards you,”

He paused. He was loss at words to convince the older.

“Don’t try paying back no more. Treat me like your friend,

your bestfriend,

your brother,

not your burden,”

“Please..,”

He kept crying.

“Promise me,”

He still stayed silent.

“Hyung, promise me.”

He took one deep breathe.

“I promise,”

Dear Yunhyeong hyung,

Stop saying sorry.

It hurts me.

Jung Chanwoo

Fall, 2017

iKON Chat Room

Hanbin : Chanwoo, how are you?

It’s been two months since we visited you

We’re very sorry the schedule was very crazy.

Chanwoo : It’s okay hyung. I am fine. I could walk now!

Donghyuk : What a huge surprise!

Yunhyeong : I cannot wait to see you next month!

Spring, 2018

Junhoe : Jung Chanwoo, where are you?

Chanwoo: Canada

Junhoe: I know. Penguins know. Even the turtles in seoul know

I mean where u at right now

Chanwoo: Vancouver

Junhoe: can u be more specific

Chanwoo: road

Junhoe: r u trying to get me frustrated or