“Would you come and be my best man?”

Dear Chanwoo,

If falling for me will only suffer and suffocate yourself, then please..

…don’t fall for me.

Song Yunhyeong

It was never a family’s visit.

His mother never really goes for him all the way to Seoul.

It was never a lullaby to sing him to sleep.

The excuse he made was never a tiredness.

The smile he showcased never symbolised a happiness.

It was sacrifice and pain of a person that loves him faithfully without expecting anything in return.

News spread like a forest fire and everyone seems to have no different reaction hearing such unbelievable information. Yunhyeong’s parents were histerical, his mom even collapsed, after knowing who the saviour of their daughter’s life is. The other five members were crying uncontrollably after finding out the truth. Their company was shocked and loss at words as well after Hanbin, with all the energy that left in his body, told them through phone of what actually had happened.

Everyone was feeling the huge heaviness in their chest, yet no one would ever feel the feeling that Yunhyeong beared. Guilt, regret, anger, sadness, pity, every little negative emotion took him and lead him to an instant crying. He couldn’t stop thinking of how Chanwoo would be able to build barrier that made him unable to see the clear things, of how insensitive human that he is to unable understand what Chanwoo feels, of how he could prevent everything just if he wasn’t late to realise.

“Yunhyeong..,” Jinhwan pushed the door that have been shut since they went back from hospital. As much as he and the other members felt the loss, Jinhwan understood that Yunhyeong would be the one that felt beaten most by reality. There’s no one to comfort him at that time because each of them actually needs to be healed and soothed. The room filled with six persons sound empty since only silence fills the air. They seem busy with their own minds and have no willingness to verbally express what they felt nor casually put a gesture to show what they want.

Yunhyeong didn’t look up when Jinhwan got into his room and called him. He still stared blankly at the space while curled up on his own bed hugging Chanwoo’s book which is now also written by Yunhyeong to continue the boy’s entries.

Jinhwan took courage to approach and sit on Yunhyeong’s bed. He seems hesitate at first but then lands his hand on Yunhyeong’s head, carressed it softly.

“What are you feeling?” he asked, and Yunhyeong could hear Jinhwan’s breathe hitched to hold himself from crying. He closed his eyes to sort the feelings he had in heart.

“Angry,” he shortly answered.

The silence falls. Jinhwan didn’t know what to say after because he was never even ready for the conversation.  He only nods and inhales some amount of oxygen to his lungs, at least give them life of his already lifeless soul.

“Why did you never tell me?” Yunhyeong asked, and probably was the first question he asked for today. Jinhwan was taken aback at the younger’s words before he finally realised what he really meant.

“So you found out,”

Even though Jinhwan has already expected that sooner or later Yunhyeong would find out, he never expects him to find it out this way.

“Did you expect me to never find out? Did you plan to never tell me? Even in this kind of situation?” Yunhyeong raised his tone, anger was heard all over his words.

“Why did you never tell me!”

Song Yunhyeong getting mad is one thing. But the way he dare himself to raise the tone of his voice to the eldest one means that things have been getting out of his control.

While Yunhyeong never even once got anything out of his control.

Jinhwan remained calm and settled. He knows more than Yunhyeong should’ve known and he wouldn’t blame Yunhyeong for throwing his anger to him. Yunhyeong thinks that he has the right to know and Jinhwan honestly would not disagree with him any less.

“Then what? What if you knew? What would you do? Would you break up with your girlfriend because you pitied him? Would you be able to pay back his feeling? Would you be able to love him the way he loves you? Then what would the both of you do? Would you both be as close as yesterday or would you both be awkward because you’re at acting like nothing happened? If you love someone, would it be the option that you wanted to get from them?”

Yunhyeong feels like being hit right in the chest by Jinhwan’s words. Those come like a sword to him and he couldn’t really spill out anything but to stay still in silence. He also didn’t know what to argue to Jinhwan, what he would do if he knew anything about this earlier. He didn’t think that everything would be easier for both of them either.

“Jung Chanwoo is way more mature than you think. He is more of a strong person than you knew. He didn’t need you to know because he knew how much of disaster he thought he could make by only telling you. He chose to sacrifice his feeling because then if he was not, it was your dream that would be sacrificed. He didn’t want to be the stones on your way. He didn’t want to be the burden in this team. He just wanted to be an existence that made you smile, in honest and natural way,”

Kim Jinhwan clearly knew he puts Yunhyeong’s heart back to the fire when he told the younger all that, because the next seconds he heard is only sobs and another instant crying from his mouth. He had no intention of stopping Yunhyeong because he knew that it was the only thing he could do that would release all his stress. Instead, Jinhwan puts his chin on Yunhyeong’s shoulder and hugs the younger tight when thinking that it’s probably the only thing Chanwoo wanted Jinhwan to do right now.

“Song Yunhyeong,” Jinhwan shut his eyes tightly, feeling the tears about to fall down again for nth time today, “…don’t cry. We’ll meet him tomorrow…”

Then his tears fall to think of how their ‘meeting’ was never the one that he ever dreamt of.

Dear Chanwoo,

Please come back.

There are a lot of questions I need to ask that only you can answer. There are a lot of things I want to know that only you can explain. There are a lot of puzzles in my mind that only you can solve.

Please.

Come back to me.

I’m begging.

Song Yunhyeong

“Chanwoo..,”

“Jung Chanwoo, can you hear me?”

"He's not going to hear you,"

"He'll never be,"

Dear Chanwoo,

Please convince me that this is unreal.

I know you’re still here with us..

Song Yunhyeong

It was spring in South Korea. The flower petals should be running everywhere and the spring breeze could be felt greeting those Elementary students’ short feet that swung around the back of their school yard. The view of the country from Han river was said to be the best during this season. People usually use the opportunity to jog around or sometimes only take a stroll with their puppy to get some air. Teen girls were always found everywhere carrying their selfie sticks around the town to get the best shots of the beautiful moments shared with friends during the season of hope.

Spring in South Korea was always full of warmth and welcoming feeling.

Yet Kim Hanbin didn’t feel the same.

He feels the cold attacked his under body once his foot was stepping outside the door. What should be some flying flower petals were turned to be snowfall and freezing breeze.  He tucks both his already covered hands inside the pocket of his a bit oversized parka. His hat was overly sagging until covering half of his face as he wanted to protects himself from catching cold. He fumes with his mind of how the coldest winter in South Korea would never be this cold. He probably was still not over his jetlag of 17 hours differences and now he should be battling with the reverse season.

Perfect, he muttered.

Hanbin feels his steps are getting bigger and bigger as he approached the destination. He was excited of the heater’s magic work to get rid of his coldness and the warmth of 120 x 200 bed lies on the corner of the room that would be the best place to rest his mind.

Once he got in, he patted his parka and hat that have been fully covered with snow before taking them off and hang those on the rack. The young boy clearly knows what he should do before entering the main room that even his body moves before his mind orders. He gets inside the washing room to clean up his face and put the liquid of sanitizer on his palm before squeezing it gently with his fingers. He sighed in relief as he started feeling the warm air brushed his skin for the first time since fifteen minutes ago.

“It’s freezing,” the first word he said once he opened the door. His eyes firstly falls to his sanity spot when he found Donghyuk and Bobby jostling on the only available bed in the room that Hanbin has dreamt of. The leader doesn’t feel annoyed nor threatened to see his spot was taken, because in next seconds, he just carelessly bumped on top of both of them and joined the warmth of the human sandwich. Donghyuk only laughed when he finally gives in, setting off himself from the bed to give space for Hanbin and Bobby.

“Where’s Hyunwoo hyung?” Junhoe, being the only one sitting on the floor, asked to Hanbin. The taller guy assumed that Hanbin was accompanying Hyunwoo for dinner when he was going out of the room.

Hanbin sniffs to the edge of blanket that covered half of his body, “..he went home. He had exams tomorrow and he asked us to call him if we wanted to go home and sleep,”

“But one or two should be here though. We should give Hyunwoo hyung time to rest and study at home,” Donghyuk suggested.

“I’ll be here,” Yunhyeong raised his hand weakly while yawning on his seat. They actually just arrived two hours ago when Jung Hyunwoo picked them up in the airport. Despite it is still 1 pm, their bodies’ modes are still working in Seoul time. They should be still sleeping around this time because it was actually 6 am for their brains.

“Me too,” Junhoe volunteered. He probably was the one that doesn’t look tired at all, even though the eye bags don’t lie.

“So do I,” Hanbin sleepily volunteered before getting a loud ‘NO’ from everybody. He was startled and forced his eyes opened to meet the dejecting looks from s.

Jinhwan shoot a death glare to the younger, “You should rest and I don’t accept any no,” which got a nod from the other five as an agreement. The members were actually worrying Hanbin’s health since he’d been working hard for their mini album that should be released next month. He’d been refusing to sleep for a week before really completing all the materials that he wanted to put in the album.

“..plus, the bed is only sufficient for two persons. Any additional was not allowed. Me and Yunhyeong hyung got first to volunteer. You shouldn’t be stubborn now,” Junhoe spoke out. He silently worried of Hanbin too, even though he sometimes wasn’t vocal unlike the others.

Hanbin sighed. He actually felt happy and overwhelmed by the love from s that he could smile ear to ear right now. But instead, he raised his head to meet the other bed in the room that could only be filled with one person and pouted.

“Jung Chanwoo, look at them! They tried preventing me to always be with you!”

The latter won’t respond, yet the other five persons in the room sincerely laughed to see the innocent Kim Hanbin complaining.

Dear Chanwoo,

Are people able to hear when they’re in coma?

I hope they are

Because I have lots and lots of amusing stories for you to hear.

You shouldn’t just ignore me.

Song Yunhyeong

It’s been six months since Chanwoo’s surgery. The sixth time too for the boys to visit their dearly maknae. Yunyeong still remembered it well like the back of his hand when he witnessed the truth for the first time. He still remembered how it was like to have storm raging on his head when he read Chanwoo’s last entry. He still remembered running to the hospital with the members because of the traffic jam that trapped their car from moving on Seoul’s highway. He still remembered Hanbin panted hard asking to the hospital officers of where Jung Cha