Waking beside Changsun in her bed the following morning left Amber feeling pulled in so many different directions: happy, nervous, worried, guilty, confused.  She could barely believe they’d slept together and yet the proof was undeniable.  He slept so peacefully at her side, his chiseled face relaxed in his slumber with tendrils of dark hair tracing his temples and cheeks.  Her own body ached in a strange but not unpleasant manner and she could vividly remember the way it had felt to be with him.

                But everything he’d made her forget the night before returned and she shifted in place, biting her lip.  She shouldn’t have kissed him.  Shouldn’t have let things go so far but it had been a near miracle to not feel everything else for that small bit of time.  And she hated herself for it as much as she hated him.  Amber did not want to forget them because she hadn’t given up.  And a part of her knew this would only complicate things more.

                Taking a deep, quiet breath, she ran a hand over her hair and swallowed, peering around the dawn lit room.  Their clothes were strewn haphazardly about the floor and it was chilly but she really needed to get up.  Guilt and worry and fear drove her out of the warmth of the covers, moving quietly so as not to wake him.  Changsun was a beautiful sight, partially covered by the sheets on her bed so she could see the defined outlines of his back, but she blushed at the memory of last night.  Quickly, she found a pair of clothes to throw on and removed the dried leaves from her bedside drawer.  She needed to speak to Soonkyu.

                “So it finally happened did it?” the older woman murmured around a yawn as she worked in the kitchen.  Amber merely nodded with an unhappy, conflicted expression on her face.  “You don’t seem pleased,” Soonkyu hummed, taking the leaves and throwing them in a cup to steep with hot water.

                “It shouldn’t have happened,” Amber muttered to herself, even more confused because she knew she was right but she had liked it, more than she thought she might, and that was a confounding problem.

                “It was going to happen sooner or later,” Soonkyu stated simply with a shrug.  At Amber’s annoyed glare, she shrugged and laughed, “What?  I was ten and four when I had my first time and I didn’t do near so well as a lord,” she explained as if it was the way of things.

                Amber bit her tongue on her retort and looked away, mildly put off.  In many villages, she knew it was; like it would have been for the Choi sisters in Karith.  She had simply been spared because she had no village.  And because Changsun was a friend who was interested in her, which had probably kept other advances at bay.  With a quiet groan, she rubbed her forehead with her fingers.

                “You act like it’s such a bad thing,” Soonkyu murmured softly, picking the cup up and pressing it into Amber’s hands.  “Be careful.  It’s hot,” she warned in a motherly fashion.

                Hands clasped around the mug, Amber took a careful sip and made a face at the taste, but she didn’t complain.  “He said I should move on.”

                “Last night?” the older woman blinked in surprise, tidying Amber’s messy hair.  Her tone indicated she didn’t believe they would have been able to talk about much of anything at all.

                “A while ago,” she admitted, blowing a cooling breath over the mug.  “But moving on feels like giving up and I’m afraid that if I let myself get too close, if I agree to marry him, I’ll lose track or get distracted or stop caring about them because I care about him too much,” she sniffed as her chest grew tight when she was finally able to put words to her feelings.  Even then, she wasn’t sure it was completely right.

                Soonkyu ran her hand down Amber’s hair to rest it against her neck with a thoughtful expression on her face.  “Just because you care about someone, doesn’t mean you forget about everyone else.  Not unless you let it,” she explained with a light shrug.

                “What if he tells his parents?” she whispered, her fingers clasped so tightly around the cup it trembled.

                The older took a breath and exhaled, “One problem at a time, little one.”

                Amber sighed at the advice.  It was annoying but true.  She hadn’t said that she would marry him but after this, he might well expect it.  But she knew his parents did not find her an ideal match already.  Maybe they would throw out the idea altogether…  “Alright.  I guess I best go talk to him,” she hummed with another swipe over her hair as she drained the last of her steeped leaves.

                “You’ll be fine,” Soonkyu promised with an encouraging wave.  “Just be sure you drink that every morning until you bleed again,” she added as a quick reminder.  Amber wrinkled her nose at the instructions but waved in understanding and trudged off.  What had she gotten herself into?

                Changsun was glad enough to see her when she returned, evidencing confusion about where she’d gone in the first place, though he himself was just waking.  Lazy boy.  “I was speaking with Soonkyu,” she explained, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed.

                Changsun raised a brow at the explanation but stifled a yawn and glared at the early morning light.  “Alright.  But you should come back to bed,” he waved as he reached for her, partially turning over so she could see his toned abdomen in the process.

                “No,” Amber shook her head and stayed right where she was.

                That made him pause and he squinted at her in confusion.  “Why not?  It’s early yet and Soonkyu’s got breakfast well in hand,” he explained deftly, propping his head up with one hand.

                “Because last night shouldn’t have happened,” she stated simply, clasping her fingers together on top of her thighs as she avoided looking at him.

                “Eh?” he grumbled, still momentarily lost.  “It would have happened when we married anyway.  So we’re just a little early,” he reassured her, tracing his fingers against her back.

                His easy acceptance of the situation bothered her, as did his continuous assumption that she was going to marry him.  Turning, she brushed his hand away and glared at him.  “I’m still not going to marry you.  I’ve already told you that.”

                “But I thought-” he gestured into the air as if to indicate the previous night.

                “I was wrong, okay?” she snapped, looking down again.  “I was weak and I wanted… I don’t know what I wanted,” Amber huffed, shrugging and quirking her jaw to the side.

                Changsun tried to give her an answer himself.  “You wanted me as much as I wanted you, Ber.  There’s nothing wrong with that.”

                She didn’t deign to give him a response.  “You can stay in bed if you want, but I’ve got work to do,” she stated in a clipped tone, standing up and leaving despite his protestations to the contrary.

                All day, she kept expecting to be berated by someone for her actions, but everyone else acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary.  Sungmin had the barest of thoughtful expressions and she suspected that Soonkyu may have spoken with him, but even he didn’t say anything to her.  And Changsun was just as tense and prickly as she herself.  They spent the morning and afternoon mostly apart, working on separate projects.  It was easier for Amber when he wasn’t around and she could throw herself fully back into trying to find something to help assuage her guilt.

                The following day, they were still distant but not as much as before.  By the way he looked between them, Hyesung knew something had happened but Amber wasn’t sure if he knew the full extent yet.  She prayed he wouldn’t find out or that, at the least, he wouldn’t kick her out.  She’d heard about such things happening to other girls in other places after all…  But as the days continued to go by, no actions were taken against her and the only ones who seemed out of the ordinary were her and Changsun.  She only realized belatedly that their actions towards each other were almost as blatant as telling everyone themselves.

                At last, they managed to reconcile enough that they could work together without discomfort.  Old habits died slowly though and the close touches and moments of inadvertent cuddling had the hint of something more.  And Amber was afraid of them.  She was given a slight reprieve when they returned to Karith the final time before his parents were set to arrive in the later part of the tenth month.  As if both wished to push what happened to the backs of their minds, they threw themselves into solving the puzzle with unusual zeal.  Every night, Changsun was magically exhausted and every day had Amber desperately scouring various books to combine possibilities for him to try again.

                Two sevendays later, they returned to the estate, temporarily defeated by their lack of answers and success.  Strangely enough, the return of the Lees provided a barrier between her and Changsun when they arrived, with all the pomp and grandeur of the minor lords they were.  By the looks on their faces, it was obvious neither approved of her continued, mannish behavior.  But Changsun could work different kinds of magic and while he dealt with his parents during their stay, Amber remained as out of sight and out of mind as possible.

                That didn’t mean she was in the clear entirely though.  She still had to dine with the lord and lady and there were times that Mistress Lee pulled her into the realm of women again, checking to see just how much she’d forgotten since the last time she’d learned such skills.  In those moments, there was a certain critical set to , as if Mistress Lee was studying Amber.  She ignored it as best she could and simply focused on getting through the winter so that she could continue but even that did not give Amber as much hope as she wished.

                By the time the new year rolled around, Amber was already dreading the second month, and Changsun’s parents leaving did little to make her feel any better.  The third anniversary of the disappearance of everyone she knew was coming much too soon and each new year filled her with more grief.  A part of her knew she should move on, but she just couldn’t.  Much like her father had been unable to for the four years after her mother disappeared.  To try and make herself feel better, she reasoned she should try for at least the same amount of time as her father.

                It didn’t much help.

                Feeling herself slipping more and more into despair as the day approached, she did something she knew she shouldn’t but felt she needed.  She went to Changsun.  It had worked before and she hoped it would work again.

                It did, but only for the space of a night.  He welcomed her eagerly and she lost herself in his arms, became drunk on the momentary respite his body and attention could give her.  They did not make love, but they enjoyed it all the same.  Amber felt just as guilty the following morning as she had the first time, but there was a shameful suspicion in the back of her mind, she might go to him yet again anyway.

                When the day arrived, nothing she did helped to make her feel better.  Changsun’s subdued birthday celebration was the palest of pitiful distractions for Amber.  Hopelessness cloaked her like a shroud and Changsun offered to help her feel something other than pain again.  She shouldn’t have accepted, but she did.

                In the days that followed, they both fell into a twisted cycle where Amber didn’t know if she was just using him or if he was using her.  He still said he wanted to marry her, and she still wanted him because he made her forget, if only for a little while.  She could tell Soonkyu was starting to get worried about her; she saw it in the other woman’s eyes when she continued to return to the kitchen for smartweed leaves.  And the more time she sought comfort in Changsun’s arms, the less like herself Amber felt.  What had once been innocent and sweet between them had become something nearly unrecognizable, and while neither of them talked about it, they felt it.

                Amber’s morning had been filled with tomes and magical jargon enough to make her head ache.  None of it made much sense and none of it came together to help her find hope in a situation that was only making her more and more hopeless.  Staring at the most recent page, a splotch of liquid marred the surface and blurred the ink.  Wiping at her face quickly, she realized she was crying and it made her head ache more.

                Changsun chose that moment to find her, head and shoulders bowed over a book, crying softly.  “Amber,” he sighed, hugging her waist awkwardly from behind.

                “Why?” she pleaded in a broken voice.  “Why are there no answers?  Anywhere!?” she demanded, closing the book with a loud snap.

                “Some questions just don’t have answers,” he responded sadly, pressing his lips against her neck in a gesture that was supposed to be tender; Amber found it irritating just then.

                “This one does!” she denied, hitting the book with her fist.

                “It’s been three years already, Ber,” Changsun sighed, shifting to rest his chin on her shoulder so he could speak better.  “They’d want you to be happy by now.”

                She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.  “How do you know what they’d want?!” she hissed, wincing from the biting pain gnawing at her core.  “They are my family and they want to be found!”

                “Am I not your family too?” Changsun demanded in return, a hint of annoyance in his tone as he met her eyes.

                “I will not marry you,” she stated again, moving to get up.  He resisted her for a moment, but when her efforts intensified, Changsun let her go and stepped back, anger beginning to appear on his face.

                “Do you not love me?” he muttered, prowling back and forth as she stood nearby, glaring at each other.

                “Of course I do,” Amber flailed, throwing her arms out wide.  He had always been beautiful and dazzling in appearance and charm; easy to look upon and easy to fall for.  “But not the way you want me to,” she explained in a shaky voice.  She loved the way he made her feel; loved the way she found brief moments of shameful peace in his arms; and she loved him as a friend loves another she has known most of her life.  “Not the way I wished I did either,” she whispered as if to herself, closing her eyes.  Not with all her aching, broken heart.  Too much of it was still missing…

                “Then change,” he urged, almost pleading in his wish.

                “I can’t!”

                “Can’t,” he murmured softly, “or won’t?”

                Amber opened her eyes again and fixed her gaze upon him.  “We are broken, Changsun.”  She hastily wiped at her face again, dropping her gaze.  “This isn’t how things are supposed to be!  I know you can feel it too.”

                “I can fix us,” he promised, stepping close to grab her face in his hands.  “But we both have to move on.”

                “No,” Amber shook her head, knocking his hands away.

                Changsun exhaled in frustration and grabbed her shoulders instead.  “This is madness!”

                Angry eyes flashed back up and Amber stared at him.  “Madness to find my family?” she dared him to argue.

                “Yes!  It’s the same one that consumed your father and made this happen in the first place!” he growled, fingers tightening on her shoulders.

                “While you were there!” Amber shouted back at him, grabbing his wrists with both hands.

                “It was his idea!” he defended himself.

                “And you went along with it!” she growled, yanking his hands away so she could stand up and start stalking off.

                “Amber wait!” Changsun called after her.

                When she didn’t stop, she heard a whisper of sound and then something brushed against her skin before her necklace burned warm against her chest through the shirt.  She froze and turned icy eyes upon Changsun.  “Did you just-”

                He held up his finger for her to wait while a gratifyingly worried look crossed his face.  “Just hear me out,” he urged, taking a half step back when her gaze didn’t waver.  “If you marry me, my parents will have to support us and then I’ll have more resources available to continue this,” he waved at the library, “but you’ve gotta stop doing this to yourself.  Let me help you, Amber.  Let me save you from yourself,” he pleaded, taking a step closer to her, but he stopped when she held up her hand.

                “I don’t need you to save me.  They do!” she threw her arm out, motioning to somewhere.  “So don’t beg to let you save me like you’re doing me some favor!” she snapped, hands balled into fists.  “And don’t you ever try to use magic on me again,” Amber pointed an accusatory finger at him, anger burning in her eyes.

                At her curt rejection, pain and anger flashed across his face.  She’d hurt him, intentionally or not.  “Ugh!  Why are you so stubborn?!” he growled, pulling at his hair.  Pointing a blaming finger at her, he spat, “No one else will want you as a wife.  Not after you’ve been with me.  Not after how you’ve changed, Amber.  I’m the best you’re going to find!” he reminded her heatedly, color flushing his face.

                Amber clenched her hands so hard her nails bit crescents into her palms as two tears trailed down her cheeks.  His words struck deep, cutting to the bone.  There was an element of truth to them too, making them hurt even more, but if she moved closer, she was going to hit him.  Or worse.  Turning around, she began running.

                “Oh hell fires!  Amber!” Changsun nearly choked as his voice receded behind her.

                Bursting through the doors, Amber almost ran over Hyesung who looked pale and then startled by her sudden appearance.  She had no time for apologies.  It was more important that she get away.  Heedless of the cries to stop her, Amber bolted for the stables and snatched the first horse that came to hand: Andante, Changsun’s spotted horse.  Taemin was just leading him back from the corral so he had his lead reins still on, but little else.  Amber’s own two feet would not carry her fast enough so she decided to borrow four.

                “Hey!” Taemin yelped as Amber stole the lead rope from Taemin and grabbed a fistful of mane to haul herself up, settling in place awkwardly.  The horse tossed his head and shied nervously at the sudden change, mincing in place.

                “Hyah!” she kicked her heels hard into his ribs, making Andante squeal in complaint before he jumped ahead, nearly unseating her in the process.  Amber clung tightly, clenching her legs around his torso as she laid low over his back.

                “Amber!” Changsun yelled when she galloped past him as he sprinted from the front doors, heading for the Eldren Woods near his estate.

                It was not a place that was exactly familiar to her but she could certainly get lost in the depths and that was what she wanted to do.  She needed to be away from Changsun and his hurtful words of partial truths.  Tears blurred her vision as they ran and the wind clawed at her eyes, making them burn.  She squinted hard and a chill went through her when they hit the tree line, ducking into an ethereal world of light and shadows trickling through the canopy above. 

                Andante snorted and breathed hard, recklessly careening past trees and jumping over fallen logs that nearly sent Amber flying.  She should have been worried about her mount breaking a leg or hurting himself, but her thoughts were too jumbled, too focused on other matters.  Overhanging branches scraped at her and the sudden turns of her horse sent her shifting from side to side, perilously close to falling off.  None of it mattered as she ran the fight over in her mind again.  He didn’t understand!  It was her fault they were gone!  Hers!  She couldn’t give up!  “Father!” she screamed as the tears blinded her completely.

                A mere passenger in their flight, Amber let Andante choose the way and simply held on, noticing only too late when her necklace started to grow warm against her skin.  The horse whickered once, as if unsure, and then he screamed, planting his feet and sliding over the leaf-covered earth.  Andante stopped.  Amber didn’t.

                Her necklace burned hot on her chest as she flew over the horse’s head, the lead reins slipping through her stunned fingers.  Upside down, as time slowed to a crawl, she saw him rear up, the whites of his eyes staring her direction.  As if she was floating, Amber fell slowly and then continued to fall as the world twisted and turned around her.  She screamed when the horse and forest disappeared and was consumed by light and darkness, sound and silence, existence and not.  Pulled in every direction at once, she thought she might be ripped to pieces one moment, and then squished flat in the next.  Her body was bent and bowed and contorted but it did not break, for all that she thought it might.

                In an instant, it was over as quickly as it began and Amber hit the ground, knocking her head against the hard dirt surface.  Choking for breath, she gasped and coughed, hacking on dust motes that invaded her lungs.  “Andante?” she croaked, blinking spots out of her eyes as she looked around.  “Uh…” she breathed, staring in utter confusion as strangely familiar but oddly warped buildings appeared before her eyes.  “Where am I?” Amber whispered, carefully staying very still.

                Nothing seemed broken but she wasn’t in the forest anymore.  Gone were the worries of the fight and her hopelessness, pushed to the back of her mind in light of where she was now.  Her necklace was quiescent once again, which also didn’t help.  Pushing up slowly, Amber winced when her body ached at having to move again.  She ignored it and stumbled to her feet, feeling a twinge in her right wrist but nothing too bad.

                “Hello?” she called out curiously, brushing at her hair and looking around to see if she could spot anyone.  Then she looked behind her and stared, her eyes scanning up and down the dark gray stone wall.  “What the hell fires?” she murmured, moving closer to press her palm against the cold surface.  Her gaze followed it upwards nearly four body lengths and she knew there was no way she’d be able to get over it.  But when her gaze rose higher, she frowned at the light gray expanse of endless sky.  No blue broke through the haze and there was no sign of the sun either.  Just endless gray.

                Turning around in confusion, she could make out the tops of the wall extending to either side of her, rising over the buildings nearby.  And in the center, or what she presumed was the center, she saw another darker structure jutting from the midst of buildings like a strange castle.  More than a little at a loss, Amber left the wall and started moving towards the nearest house.  There weren’t very many of them and they looked oddly stretched out but they were also spaced rather evenly around the castle in the middle.

                “Huh?” she tilted her head to the side when she thought she saw a shadow flicker in one of the windows.  Crouching down and moving up close, she peered inside warily, but like the warped structure of the home itself, everything inside was rather bent or misshapen.  The kitchen table bowed inward and the counter at the back looked more like a sideways ‘s’.  “Is someone there?” she tried again, peering inside a moment longer before she went to the smaller than it should have been door.  A solid rap on the surface only made her knuckles smart and her uncertainty bloom when no one responded.

                “What’s going on?” she murmured to herself, brows furrowed.  When she looked toward the center, the strangely foreboding castle awaited and when she looked outward, she noticed a large, cast iron gate inset within the stone wall.  “Oh!” she gasped, making an immediate dash for it.  Maybe if she could get out, she could figure out where exactly she was!  To her delight, the metal barrier opened easily enough.  It wasn’t locked and it swung on silent hinges, for a wonder, but grayness alone continued on the other side.  Maybe it was just fog?

                Taking a deep breath, Amber stepped into the mist.  As soon as she took two steps, enough to get her actually through the gate, she stepped out to the surprisingly familiar sight of the village she thought she was leaving.  “Eh?” she frowned, staring between the two with a baffled look before she gasped and tried again, running this time.  When the result was the same as before, Amber covered with both hands and swallowed.  “Holy e,” she breathed, staring at the area again.  “And you would be a Mobian portal, wouldn’t you?” she asked out loud, groaning to herself.  “This is so not good…” she added, pulling at her hair with both hands.

                Only a Mage could cast a Mobian portal and only another Mage, or the same one, could get out of said portal.  She’d read about them when she was investigating portals and this type was named after a particularly annoying prick who devised a prank of sorts that would essentially spit the unsuspecting fool back at the starting point after attempting to go through.  Who had managed it and how they’d managed to create one on such a large scale was completely beyond her, but it did not bode well for Amber.  In essence, she was trapped.

                While she was trying to decide what her possible options were, other than panicking, she froze with wide eyes as she heard a long primal roar echo from somewhere in the center where the castle was.

                “And… that’s really not good.”

(a/n: Uh oh.  Lots of things happened here.  Hmm.  But we've pretty much reached the turning/halfway point.  I'm terrible with estimates so we'll see how true that is, but considering this was a bit of a bumpy chapter, I'm certainly curious to know what you guys think here.  Thank you for reading and especially to those who comment and please look forward to the next chapter!)