It wasn’t any easier watching Changsun leave the second time.  It didn’t help she had new concerns to look forward to when she returned though.  At least Sungmin and Minho were good about distracting her on the journey.  They practiced sparring each night on the trip back and told her stories of Changsun’s childhood to help give her more of an idea about his parents too.  She couldn’t help but laugh and blush at some of the comments, but it passed the time and kept her at ease.

                Until they arrived at the estate and she had to actually present herself to Mr. and Mrs. Lee.  At least she was allowed a bath and a change of clothes before she joined them for supper that evening.  And while they were beautiful people – which was to be expected given their son, they were everything Amber wasn’t: rich, cultured, well-educated, and carefully schooled in proper etiquette and formal behavior.  Next to their immaculate presences – not a single hair was out of place on either of their heads, she felt like the imposter again.

                And then they spoke with her.  Dumbfounded that they should take a personal interest in her beyond merely being polite, Amber didn’t know how to respond at first.  Bless Hyesung, but he was her saving grace that evening.  “Mistress Lee.  I believe I mentioned more on that in the last missive I sent before your arrival,” he explained at their right hand, providing a neat buffer between them and Amber.  She was never more grateful for his presence.

                “Hmm,” she hummed thoughtfully, turning a beautifully painted face towards her husband as she tapped a dainty finger against her dyed lips.  The pale powder lightened her complexion and contrasted sharply with her long, ebony hair.  “I believe I do recall.  You explained that her education, though unorthodox, started at an early age and that she can read and write, correct?”

                “Of course, Mistress,” Hyesung nodded in agreement, giving a small, reassuring smile to Amber who sat and watched in fascinated awe.

                “You also said something about her working here?” Mr. Lee frowned, turning a dark but interested gaze upon Amber.  “We have plenty of servants…” he trailed off, unsure what to think of that turn of events.

                “Ah yes,” Hyesung waved with one hand, drawing the Lord’s attention back to him.  “Lady Amber is unable to contribute any monetary support so she assists around the estate as a form of repayment for your magnanimous generosity.”

                Amber could have kissed him for such a beautiful explanation.  She wasn’t entirely sure what he meant (he spoke so smoothly and her head was spinning from being the center of attention anyway), but she was grateful all the same.  Playing her part, she nodded and gathered her courage to speak, “I am very grateful for your kindness in letting me stay here.”

                Mistress Lee blinked thoughtfully, her maple eyes focusing on Amber.  “Your voice is lower than I imagined, but not unpleasant,” she conceded with an appreciative nod.

                “Thank you,” Amber responded, not entirely sure it was a compliment.  When Hyesung nudged her foot under the table, she flinched slightly and remembered what she was missing.  “Mistress Lee!” she added belatedly, flushing at the lapse.  Curse the rules of social etiquette.

                Master Lee chuckled at the response and met his wife’s eyes.  “For one born to a Mage’s household, you are fascinating,” he smiled with a twinkle in his eyes.  “Isn’t she, dear?”

                “Quite,” Mistress Lee confirmed with a continuous, speculative look on her face.  “We shall have to speak more, Amber.  You and I,” she gestured, making eye contact with Amber so the young woman would be sure to hear her.

                Taken aback by the suggestion, Amber paled slightly but swallowed and nodded.  “Of course, Mistress Lee.”

                And with that, it seemed as if her initial introduction was over.  Not that it meant she was done seeing them.  Oh no.  Mistress Lee felt it was a travesty that she hadn’t learned the proper rules and such to be a lady, for reasons Amber couldn’t understand, and made it her personal business to teach them to her.  Or rather, she had her handmaidens do it for her while they were in residence.  Much to Amber’s bafflement and irritation, she was pulled from her studying or assisting Soonkyu, who did have more help now that the entire staff was in residence, to work on such things that were appropriate for a lady.

                Amber did not see the point and she was quite frustrated by the constant interruptions to her own plans.  Granted, she wasn’t getting anywhere with them, but she might have if she wasn’t pulled away all the time.  And the little explanations weren’t helping.  ‘Anyone who lives with a Mage must know proper etiquette to help insure their reputation.’  ‘If you are going to be residing in this estate, it would be a crime not to inform you of the basics.’  ‘Every young lady should know this set of skills at the least.’

                Need to know set of skills or not, Amber didn’t want to know how to needlepoint…  She would much rather be sparring with the guards out behind the stable.  But that was completely out of the question while Changsun’s parents were in residence.  So she had Sungmin and Minho give her drills she could do while in her room so that she wouldn’t lose all of the progress she had made beforehand.  Mistress Lee gave her strange looks when she noticed the calluses on Amber’s hands but she did not speak of it otherwise.

                Honestly, the time they spent at their estate could not go by quickly enough.  Amber was more than ready when the new year came, meaning the weather would start to turn at last.  Changsun arrived in the first month and Amber was delighted to see him, but since his parents were still there, they did not go to investigate at Karith as normal.  The lapse hurt and there was little enough time to tell him when he seemed to be pulled in every direction at once.

                His leaving was bittersweet.  Another kiss on the crown of her head and a beautiful, dimpled smile were her farewells.  His departure also heralded that of his parent’s though, and Amber was quite happy with that change.  Frustrated by the loss of three month’s work and no chance to test it at Karith, Amber threw herself back into training and the daily work at the estate with one exception.  On the seventh day of the second month, she sequestered herself in her room and cried.  It was the one year anniversary of the accident.  For an entire day, she mourned their disappearance and her inability to fix the problem.  Amber did not speak to anyone; she did not eat; and she did not come out of hiding until the next day.

                Angry with herself for losing an entire day to her tears, and allowing her grief to overshadow Changsun’s birthday as well, Amber emerged on the eighth with new resolve.  With no remaining desire to be solely reliant upon Changsun’s return to see if she could find new information at Karith, Amber begged, bullied, and finally coaxed the guards and Taemin into teaching her how to ride.  She also sent a belated birthday gift via messenger to Bannersport, wishing Changsun the best.

                When she mentioned her riding lessons to Changsun in one of their letters, he was supportive but concerned that she should go by herself to Karith.  Her arguments in defense were that she would have the guards with her and she was becoming quite capable of taking care of herself.  As if to further get away from the title of ‘Lady’ and to help with the additional outside activities she was participating in, Amber began to wear her sparring clothes more frequently.  Hyesung looked at her with a semi-pained expression, as if wondering how he might explain such a thing to the Lees, but he himself did not object.  And that was all the permission Amber needed.

                In the fourth month of the year, Amber greeted Changsun in brown pants, an off-white men’s shirt, and black, laced-up boots.  Her hair was pulled back into the customary braid but in her ten and fifth year, she had become harder with her training.  The softness of her face had lessened, though the determination in her eyes was bright.  “Welcome back!” she greeted warmly, as she usually did when he returned from the portal.

                Changsun’s eyes blinked in some confusion as he blatantly stared – there was no other way to say it.  At last, he managed to stammer, “A-Amber.  You’re… different.”

                “I know,” she laughed nervously, smoothing the fabric of her pants in a reactive gesture.  “Dresses kept getting in the way,” she admitted, taking a step closer to him.  He still wore the maroon robes and his hair remained unusually long, but he’d grown too in their separation.  Magic settled around him like a cloak and he felt older and more mature in her presence.

                “I remember,” he nodded slowly, looking at her with slightly narrowed eyes.  “You look… good.  Different but good,” he finally confirmed, bridging the distance between them to hold her close.

                “Thank you,” she smiled, relaxing in his arms again.  She would have been lying if she’d said she wasn’t worried about him seeing her like this.  Amber knew he wasn’t exactly thrilled about the change, but his hesitant acceptance was enough for now.

                He hummed in the back of his throat in answer and then grabbed her hand to pull her inside, after greeting the staff in a polite gesture.  “So.  You said you had some new books you were working on?”

                “Yes!” she beamed with excitement, practically skipping along beside him.

                For two days, they very nearly locked themselves in the library while Amber pointed out the newest spells and ingredient lists she had found that might provide clues for them.  Changsun spent a lot of the time looking over her shoulder, one hand resting on her back and the other tracing the text she was reading.  Despite the fact that she knew he was hovering, it was not an unwelcome sensation.  When he was focusing on the page, it gave her a chance to study his profile.

                He was as attractive as ever.  The time between seeing each other only served to remind her of that again every time he came back.  His deep brown eyes followed the words in the book and his soft looking lips moved without sound; flawless skin fit perfectly over his facial features and when he smiled, she could see his twin dimples in each cheek.  They always gave her butterflies in her stomach.  She turned away abruptly when his attention shifted back in her direction, hoping that he didn’t realize she’d been staring.

                Then, his face was right next to hers and he kissed her quickly on the cheek.  Amber gasped in surprise and froze for a moment before she glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes.  “Changsun,” she murmured, leaving her lips slightly parted, as if in disbelief.

                Changsun gave her that dimpled smile, still breathtakingly close to her, and whispered, “I like you.”  He searched her face with his eyes and waited for a response from her.  When Amber gave the barest of acknowledging nods, he moved as if to kiss her on the lips.

                Amber gasped again and shied away with her hand coming up in response.  She was just as confused by her reaction as Changsun was.

                “What is it?” he asked, catching her chin to draw her back around so he could see what had frightened her off.

                “I’m…” Amber shook her head slightly and blinked.  “I’m sorry,” she apologized with a storm of feelings in her belly.  “I- uh.  I like you too,” she admitted in a burst of air.  “But it’s…”

                “Too fast?” Changsun offered for her, raising his brows in an almost patronizing expression.

                Amber was so dazed she nearly missed it but nodded in agreement.  “Yes.”  She didn’t know if that was really the reason but it was some sort of answer that would give her time to figure it out and him an explanation.  “Can we just work on this right now?” she murmured softly, feeling the press of time closing in around her.  A full year had already passed with no new success and she needed no additional distractions to confuse her in the process.

                “Sure,” he answered hesitantly, maintaining his position but no longer in danger of kissing her.  “Okay,” he spoke, trying to regain his composure.  “This one sounds promising here,” he pointed out one of the entries in the current book.

                Attentively, Amber shifted her attention back to the work at hand.  She nodded along as he explained and added her own opinions where she could.  His knowledge of the tomes was infinitely more comprehensive than hers, but she had a way of looking at things in a different manner that sometimes revealed a new possibility.

                On the third day of his return, they set out for Karith by horseback, aiming for speed instead of comfort.  Sungmin and Minho accompanied them as usual, and each carried their own gear this time.  Amber was even given a short sword to wear at her hip.  ‘Just in case,’ as Sungmin put it.  She knew Changsun didn’t entirely approve but he did not try to keep her from accepting it either.  He was even more surprised when she didn’t ask for his help in getting astride Merry, the brown gelding with a single white sock that she rode most often in her riding lessons.

                The kiss Changsun had given her stayed close in Amber’s mind as they rode.  It was true that she liked him, and she now knew he liked her just as much.  Before the accident, she would have been nothing but excited about that realization.  She still was.  But…  Her family and friends were gone.  By herself, she couldn’t actually undo what had happened, but Changsun could.  Hopefully.  But would getting involved make things easier or harder in terms of unraveling the mystery?

                She didn’t know and their time together at Karith didn’t help much either.  Changsun was equally attentive and distant as they worked to solve the puzzle.  He stood right next to her when they were talking about something and then moved away just as quickly as if he had his own business to attend, but then didn’t actually do anything.  Minho and Sungmin were no help either.  They simply shrugged whenever she looked at them for some sort of explanation.

                By the time Changsun had to leave, Amber finally had a better answer for him.  Standing in front of him, holding his hands in both of hers, she took a deep breath and nodded, “I do like you, Changsun.  Please don’t doubt that.  But, I need to do this first,” she explained, biting her lip as she struggled to hold his gaze.

                Changsun took a small breath and freed one hand so he could cup her cheek with his palm.  “It’s already been over a year, Amber.”

                “I know.  That’s why I have to- why I can’t-” she struggled for the right words, her face reflecting her frustration, sadness, and the glimmers of hopelessness that always threatened.

                “How long?” he prompted instead, ducking down closer to her level.

                Unsure herself, Amber shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Until I succeed?” she whispered, the statement more of a question.

                Changsun sighed with a slight frown.  “That could be a long time,” he reminded her, his brows slightly furrowed.  Amber nodded once in understanding, still looking him in the eyes.  “You are your father’s daughter,” he laughed once, shaking his head with the barest of smiles.  “Alright,” he whispered, leaning close and holding her cheek so she wouldn’t back away again.

                Amber’s eyes widened when he kissed the corner of and she flushed.  “I thought-”

                “I know,” he smirked, letting her go so he could step back.  “But I’ve been wanting to do that,” he laughed at himself, rubbing the back of his neck in mild embarrassment.  “I’ll see you in three more months.  I should be almost done!” he grinned, waving at her once before he turned to conjure the portal and stepped through.

                “Well that was different,” Minho chuckled from near the horses where the two guards had been waiting the whole time.

                Amber’s flush deepened and she ducked her head as she straightened her shirt and went to get on Merry.  “I… agree,” she finally managed to mumble, for lack of anything wittier to say.  Her mind was not working properly just then.

                With only a little bit of teasing, the trio returned to the estate with the four horses.  Soonkyu demanded details, after Sungmin told her of course, but for the most part, life as Amber knew it went on as normal.  Moving into the second year after her family’s disappearance, she continued to study as she always had, but finally asked for Hyesung’s help in understanding the more difficult tomes.  His education was broader than hers and he could help considerably with the ones she thought might have more answers than she could find yet.  In return, she offered to assist him with writing, transcribing, or organizing as needed.  She did not wish to ask for charity if she could help it.

                And outside of that, with Hyesung’s additional permission once he confirmed her proficiency with the sword, Amber was also given permission to return to Karith with Minho and Sungmin in tow.  The first time they went in the fifth month of the year, Amber received many strange looks from those they passed by.  Sungmin and Minho were untouched by the expressions, but Amber felt strangely out of place.  Her return trip was just as uncomfortable and she came to the conclusion that it was because she was a girl riding – in the company of two men no less.  After much deliberation and talking it over with Hyesung and Soonkyu, the latter of whom had become a secondary Auntie Park to her, Amber decided to cut her hair.  It worked.

                The second trip in the sixth month gave no such looks.  She had few enough curves that were easy to hide in men’s clothes and she lacked the dainty features the Choi sisters had been known for.  If anything, she was scrawny for a boy, but no one gave her a second glance otherwise.  It had the added benefit of not coming undone during sparring bouts and it was infinitely easier to take care of than her long hair had been.  She at least gave Changsun the courtesy of letting him know before he returned home in the seventh month.

                Though surprised, he was mostly understanding.  Mostly.  “But it makes you look rather like a boy,” he complained mildly, running the short ends of her hair through his fingers with a small pout.

                “That’s the idea,” Amber laughed with a shrug as she took his hand in hers and held it close.  “But I’m still me.”

                “I know that,” he snorted with a smirk, cupping her face with his free hand.  “I just miss it.  And…” he took a breath, “I have no idea what my parents are going to think.”

                Amber grimaced and shrugged.  “If they find it unacceptable, I should be able to manage on my own now,” she admitted with a worried expression as her eyes drifted to the books she would lose access to otherwise.

                “No, no,” he denied immediately, frowning at the mere thought.  “That won’t be a problem,” he promised firmly enough that she had to believe him.  And without much explanation, that was the end of that concern.

                Their usual routine brought no new change in the puzzle once again.  He confirmed that he was getting close to Master status and that Chungjae would be able to test him before too long.  Amber was both excited for him but continuously frustrated herself.  Her six and tenth birthday came and went, with another surprise gift from Changsun, but Amber was beginning to understand how her father had felt after her mother disappeared.  She could see how he had lost himself and why he had been so driven to keep trying.  She felt it too.  Only she had the additional problem of not actually being able to use magic.  The reality of that fact hurt and it never got easier.

                “Where are you father?” she cried over the latest book she was muddling through.  She gripped the necklace he had given her three years ago and wished with all her being she could fix this.  But she couldn’t.

                Once again, Changsun’s parents returned in the tenth month and they were not pleased with Amber’s appearance either.  Even Hyesung’s silver tongue couldn’t come up with a good enough reason to explain her ‘mannish’ shift.  And after the first condescending talk about how it was ‘scandalous’ for her to be wearing such clothes in this household, Amber resumed wearing dresses for the sake of appeasing them.  It did not fix things entirely, but she was able to keep matters polite otherwise.

                And when Changsun returned in the eleventh month, he was better able to soothe the opinions of his parents as well.  Amber didn’t know how until he pulled her aside for a small, private conversation after one such meeting with his parents.  Even then, she was still confused.  “I know you said figuring out what happened was your focus.”  Amber nodded as he held one of her hands and gestured with his other.  “But we’re both getting older and I know that I want to be with you,” he expressed, making her heart beat faster at his words.

                “I’m only ten and six, Changsun,” Amber reminded him with a breathless excuse as her stomach immediately tied itself into knots.

                “I know and that’s exactly when… other girls are- you know,” he shrugged, having a hard time looking right at her, “thinking about getting married.”  Oh boy.  There it was.  Amber’s stomach dropped entirely and her face paled.  Changsun started to babble then, which was the only thing that kept her from having to find a response.  “And you know, the girls at Bannersport are nice and all but they aren’t you,” he explained, still gesturing with his free hand.

                Most of everything else went right by her but Amber managed to hold onto ‘marriage’ and ‘other girls’ and took a quick breath.  “I can’t!” she finally blurted when it seemed as if he might go on.

                “And I know it’s a big decision but-” he stopped and stared at her, clearly confused by her response.

                “Right now,” Amber clarified hastily, feeling light headed.

                Changsun’s face fell and he looked crestfallen before a hint of anger appeared for just a moment.  “When?” he asked simply, stepping close to stand right in front of her, looking down at her upturned face.  “It’s been almost two years already.”

                “Don’t you think I know that?” she whimpered back, holding tighter to his hand.  “I count the days, Changsun,” Amber admitted with a tight voice.  “I see them every night in my dreams and I can’t forget.  Not even for a moment,” she added with tears appearing on her lashes.

                His face softened at her sorrow and he stepped forward to hold her close, resting his cheek against her hair.  “I’m sorry,” he apologized, though she wasn’t sure for what.  “I just want you to consider moving on,” he whispered, holding tighter when she struggled as if to push him away.  “I don’t mean for you to give up,” he explained immediately, allowing her to relax for a moment.  “But you should live your life too.”

                Amber cried then.  Not because he was wrong but because he was partially right.  There was a piece of her that wanted what he offered.  She did wish for the kind of happiness others could find with someone else, but… the other part of her, the part that still clung to the blame for what had happened, wouldn’t allow it.  For her father and Seungho and the villagers, as much as for herself, she needed to find them.

                “I know,” she sobbed against his chest, hugging him as hard as she could.  “But I just can’t.”

(a/n: So I've had some time to write recently and I've been making the best use of it I can!  Let's see how long I can keep my streak going.  haha  Thanks for reading and I hope you're still enjoying the story!)