The atmosphere at the lunch table on Monday is strained and awkward. Ha Na’s friends had sat with us again, and sensing the tension nobody spoke, deciding that eating in silence was far better than possibly saying the wrong thing. I hadn’t heard from anybody after school last week, and I definitely hadn’t spoken to Joo Won since then. I think we were both trying to avoid looking at each other – I knew that he was still really annoyed with me, and I was sort of hurt over his harsh words. Thus, I was trying not to look at him from the opposite side of the table.

I realised that if I wasn’t going to break the silence, then nobody else would. I knew what I had to say, but I was nervous at the reactions that those words would bring. I let out an almost imperceptible sigh, but Eun Soo must have heard it next to me and she nudged me slightly and gave me an encouraging smile. I nodded and then cleared my throat. This gained almost everybody’s gaze straight away. Joo Won still didn’t look at me.

“Guys,” I started, “I have something that I need to tell you.”

Joo Won frowned but his gaze didn’t budge. I glanced at Eun Soo, whose face was screaming at me to continue. I diverted my eyes to look at Ha Na, who was watching me expectantly. I sighed.

“I think you should know. Since it was your idea anyway.” I looked down at my lap almost muttering my next words. “I’m going to do the audition.”

I looked back up at everyone, expecting some kind of reaction from them. I was surprised when I saw nothing on their faces. I cleared my throat to repeat my sentence – they probably didn’t hear me. “I said that –“ Ha Na cut me off with a squeal as she practically dove off of her seat to scoop me in her arms.

“I knew you’d do it! I can’t believe you made us worry about it for so long though!” She broke off just long enough for her to pull away from me slightly and looked at me in the eye.

“Seriously Soo Min, I’m really excited for you. But,” she paused, eyeing me. “What made you change your mind?”

Without thinking about it, my eyes made their way toward where Joo Won was sitting and met his stare. I frowned slightly before continuing to turn and look at Eun Soo. After sending a grateful smile her way, I turned back to Ha Na and shrugged.

“I guess somebody just helped me to see that there isn’t anything to be afraid of.”

Ha Na just squeezed me back into a tight hug. Realisation hit me as I remembered that I had no idea what the audition would require. I patted Ha Na and asked for her to let me go before sitting back in my seat. Turning to her as she returned to her own seat, I spoke up.

“Do you know anything about the audition? Like where it is or what time, or anything like that?”

Ha Na turned bright red. “Well, not exactly….” She replied in embarrassment. Her eyes slid to Eun Soo next to me in a pleading manner.

She let out a little laugh. “I was the one who mentioned it to Ha Na – she doesn’t actually know anything about it.”

I laughed a little too. “So, do you know then? It might help to actually know when it is.”

She shook her head apologetically. “I only read enough to see that they were holding an audition. I can find out for you though?”

I nodded. “That would be helpful, thanks. I don’t actually have internet at home so it’s not as though I can just search it up. Give me your phone – you can text it to me later on.”

She pulls out her phone and I do the same, quickly adding my contact as she copies my actions on my phone. She hands it back and says that she’ll try and find out tonight. I thank her and look over in surprise as the boy from Ha Na’s class – Lee Jong Hyun I think his name was – speaks up.

“What song are you going to sing?”

Before I can even open my mouth to tell him I hadn’t even thought about it, suggestions were being thrown at me from all sides of the table.

“Do something by SNSD!”

“No, you have to do something new!”

“Like Ooh Ah!”

“No, she should do a song that’s by an SM group.”

“Like Exo?”

“Exactly – maybe something off of their new album.”

I decided to cut them off. “Ya! Don’t you think I should have a say in it? I’m the one who has to sing it.”

They all agreed reluctantly. Ha Na turned to me. “What are you thinking of then?”

I frowned. I had no idea. I was about to tell them all as much when Eun Soo spoke for me.

“She has to find a song that will showcase her vocals. But it shouldn’t be too difficult or flashy. Something that will show the people in the audition room that she has control and a good range.”

Everybody looked at her in confusion, having no idea what that would be. I let out a chuckle. “Maybe you should just leave it to the two who are actually familiar with music.”

“But we want to help you.” Ha Na trailed off.

“I know you do. How about Eun Soo and I come up with a song, and we show it to you once we get it sorted out? Then you can all let me know if I need to find another song.”

“That sounds alright, I guess.” Ha Na responded.
 

The bell had rung shortly after, and I hadn’t realised until I had reached class that not once did Joo Won speak.

The rest of the day passed by fairly quickly as I found myself preoccupied, thinking of the audition and what song I should sing. I had gone back and forth, but there were just so many different factors to think about. Whether I wanted a sad song or a happy one, something with a nice slow beat or something heavy and quick paced. I had briefly considered trying an English song, but quickly ruled that option out – although I wasn’t too bad in class, I didn’t want to risk mispronouncing anything.

At home, I found myself lying on my bed and going through my music library on my phone. If I were to find a song that I could sing, surely it would be there. I had some nice songs, but many of them didn’t suit my voice. I spent a while deliberating on Tayeon’s I, but in the end decided that I didn’t want to try rapping. It wasn’t something that I had explored before, and I think that I’d really end up making a fool out of myself.

I was ready to give up when my phone began to ring in my hand and Eun Soo’s name lit up the screen. I answered immediately and greeted her.

“I thought you were just going to text me?” I questioned.

“I’m going to text you through the details when I hang up. I wanted to see how you were going with it all. Have you found a song yet?”

I let out a sarcastic chuckle.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Then you would be correct.” I sighed. “I don’t know Eun Soo. I can’t find anything that really speaks to me. I don’t even know what kind of song I want to sing.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the call before Eun Soo began speaking hesitantly.

“From what I know, the songs that make more of an impact are songs that are sung with real emotion. I know that you have some – uh – issues going on in your family at the moment.”

I stiffened slightly. Ha Na must’ve said something.

“I don’t know any specifics, but I think that may have something to do with the reason why you agreed to do this. If you want it to be genuine, you need to find a song that sings to you.”

“Do you have any idea how silly you sound right now?” I question her with a light laugh. She just laughs back.

“I know. But I’m being serious Soo Min. You have to go deep, deep down into your feelings and find the song that matches you. Just think about it, and it’ll come to you. Don’t strain yourself.”

I smile a little, although her words have done nothing but confuse me. “Thanks Eun Soo. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here to give me random bits of advice.”

She let out a snort. “You’d probably shrivel up and die.”

“That’s probably true.”

I could practically see the smile I knew she wore on her face.

“Well, I better get going now. I’ll text through the details of the audition to you soon. I hope you figure it out. Good night Soo Min.”

I repeated her goodbye and hung up with a sigh.

You have to go deep, deep down into your feelings and find the song that matches you.

What the hell did that even mean? Obviously Eun Soo was saying that I needed to find an emotional song to suit how I felt about my mother. That I needed to look deep inside myself and figure out how I really felt about her deserting both my father and I.

I scoffed. I don’t think that there’s a song that consists of all the terrible words I wish I could say to that woman. Turning onto my back, I continued to scroll through my song list with my mother on my mind.

What did I really feel towards her? My immediate response to that is disgust. Repulsion. Hatred. But Eun Soo didn’t say what I felt on the surface.

Just think about it, and it’ll come to you. Don’t strain yourself.

Her words repeated in my mind like a mantra. What else was there?

. I feel like I’ve been hit when she begins laughing.

I was hurt. I felt betrayed by the one person who was supposed to never betray me in life.

I’d imagined everything, from me telling her to get lost to her grovelling at my feet for forgiveness, for my father and her to take her back.

I had wanted her to beg for my forgiveness.

I’d lost my mother indefinitely.

I wanted her to come back to us. Come back….

I sat up straight and scrolled to the ‘C’ section in my music. Sure enough, 2NE1’s Come Back Home sat on my screen. I pressed play and winced as I heard the beat. I was hoping it was slower. Then I had an idea. I got up from by bed and grabbed a coat from my closet before leaving my room. As I strode purposefully through the kitchen, my father’s head emerged from his room and he called out to me.

“Yah, Soo Min! Where do you think you’re going? It’s late.”

I barely paused to look at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.”

With that I pushed out the door and set off to the one café that I knew had free internet access a couple of streets away.

“I think I’ve found it!” I blurted when I saw Eun Soo in my music class the next day. She just gave me a knowing smile.

“I knew that you would. Care to tell me what it is?”

I grinned. “Come Back Home.”

Her eyebrows rose slightly. “By 2NE1?”

I nodded. “Well, kind of. I was thinking of making it acoustic instead – I saw a video of when they did it like that. I want to try it out.”

She nodded, relief slipping onto her face. “You had me worried for a second. You’re thinking guitar right? Do you know the lyrics?”

I nodded to the first question. “I don’t know the lyrics too well though. And there’s kind of a problem with the song. It has a rap in it, and I’ve never tried anything like that before.”

Eun Soo gave me a thoughtful look, but only told me that we will just have to wait see how it turns out. The next thing I knew, Eun Soo had both me and a boy who played guitar in a spare classroom. I didn’t even know his name. Sending an awkward smile his way, I asked Eun Soo what we were doing.

“Trying out the song.” She answered me simply before turning to the guitar man. “Do you know Come Back Home?”

Confused, he shook his head.

“What if you listened to the chords? Would you be able to pick it up?”

He looked from Eun Soo to me as though we were crazy.”I-I guess so?”

Eun Soo turned to me and gestured for me to play the song that I had downloaded to my phone the previous night. Obviously uncomfortable, the boy Eun Soo had dragged from class looked down and listened to the tune as we stared at him. He didn’t move to attempt the chords for the entire song and I sent Eun Soo a helpless look.

“Do you need her to play it again?”

The boy simply shook his head and placed his fingers on the strings. He played a couple chords, testing the tune out before looking back at me.

“Can you play it again? Just to make sure.”

I nodded in reply and clicked play as I watched him curiously. The song began to play through and he sat, nodding his head to the beat. As the song reached the chorus, I began thinking that he had no idea what he was doing but he abruptly cut off that thought when he began strumming on his guitar. I slowly felt a smile creep up onto my face. I turned to share my joy with Eun Soo to see her already grinning. We stayed silent as he finished the song, and then applauded him. He looked down, suddenly shy.

“Soo Min, meet Lee Jae Hwa. Possibly the best guitarist in this city.” I bowed to him, and then thanked him with a grin. Eun Soo turned to me.

“Do you want to try singing it? I can get the lyrics on my phone.”

I nodded, and then decided to add on to my answer. “I think that I should try without the music first, to get an idea of the notes.”

Eun Soo pointed at me. “I like the way you think, Soo Min.”

A/N: Chapter 4 finished off. It's a little shorter than the last one, but this was more of a filler. Anyways, I'm hoping to get the next chapter up sometime tonight, so please look forward to it. Thanks for reading,

Grace!