I cringe as Joo Won spots me in the hallway and immediately turn to walk away from him. I’d been successfully avoiding him for the entire day, and it’s just my luck to see him as I’m heading to my last class of the week. After the stunt he pulled last night at my home, mentioning the stupid audition to my father, I was angry at him. But after seeing how excited my father had gotten at the idea of me auditioning, I knew I couldn’t be angry at my boyfriend for trying to help. After all, that’s what he thought he was doing – telling my father to show me that he would be alright if I were to leave him, that he wants me to do it. I understood why he did it, so instead I’m just trying to avoid the all the questions about what happened after he left last night which I’m certain he wants to ask.

After going round and round in circles with my father for a while, trying to convince him that I wouldn’t audition, Joo Won decided to ease the tension and got us to eat our dinner. Of course, with my father glaring over the table at me whenever he had the chance and me mentally murdering Joo Won, there wasn’t much conversation happening and my lovely boyfriend decided that it was better for him to leave before my father and I really began to argue. As soon as all three of us were finished eating, Joo Won thanked my father and bid farewell sending me a meaningful look as he walked out the door.

Just listen to what he has to say, is what I interpreted from it.

As I hear him call my name from behind me I find myself speeding up, looking around for any possible exits. Of course, I couldn’t go to class. My room was in the other direction. I sighed and pulled up short. If Joo Won really wanted to talk, there wasn’t any possible way that I was going to escape him. Sure enough, a few seconds later I felt a pair of hands turning me around to face him. I could almost slap the grin off of his face.

“So,” he started, “tell me what happened.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “What do you think happened? He told me I should do it, I said no. He got angry, I got annoyed and then he wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night, even though I told him that I’d think about it.”

He tilted his head. “You’ll think about it? Really?”

I snorted and shook my head. “No way, there’s nothing to think about Joo Won.”

His smile fell a fraction. “Why do you want me to do it so much? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you were trying to get rid of me.” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. I was surprised when I didn’t get the laughter that I was expecting.

“You’re not, are you?” Panic started blossoming in my chest as he frowned.

“Don’t be stupid. I just can’t believe you at the moment – you have an opportunity to do something really good with your life, something almost no one here is going to get, and you’re throwing it away for no reason.”

“I’ve already told you,“ I drew out, getting irritated at the hard tone his voice took on, “we don’t have the money for it.”

“Park Soo Min! Stop making excuses for yourself.”

I took a step back from him. He almost never used my last name talking to me, and right now it felt as if he had hit me.

“Joo Won –“ I started to reach out to him, but he scoffed and knocked my hand away.

“Can’t you see? No one else here can sing like you can, no one has a talent as good as yours in this entire school. We couldn’t go and audition without making a complete fool of ourselves – you could go and get in and actually have a life worth living, whilst the rest of us are going to end up on fishing boats and cleaning people’s homes.”

I frown, feeling as though he’s going too far.

 “Can you not understand how selfish you are being, rubbing that fact in all our faces? Do you not see that the people in your life want this for you, that we want you to live a good life? Ha Na couldn’t understand why you were so negative about it. Do you not know how much she wishes that she had an opportunity like that – that we all had that?”

He paused and looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for an answer.

“I don’t-“ I shook my head. “What do you want me to say?” My voice was weak. Joo Won just scoffed and turned.

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Obviously nothing that I’m saying is getting through to you. Just stop making excuses for yourself Soo Min. “

With that, he walked away from me heading back down the hallway to his class. I stood there for a minute, shocked at the intensity of his words. How could he say something like that? Did he mean it? I shook my head, mentally slapping myself at my ridiculousness. Of course he did. He wouldn’t have been so upset if he didn’t mean it. More importantly, had I been acting selfishly? I could admit that I was making excuses, but I didn’t realise that’s how everyone felt about it.

I hit my head with my fist a few times, feeling as though Joo Won had just dropped a huge weight onto my shoulders. If I know that my father would be okay if left, what could possibly be making me so reluctant. It’s not leaving everybody behind – I’ve never been one to get homesick, and I know that I won’t be leaving many people behind anyway.

I leant against the wall, deep in thought. What is it? I slid to the floor, racking my brains. What was I so worried about?

“Soo Min, why are you behaving so ridiculously? What has you acting so selfish in front of those closest to you?” I mutter to myself.

“You’re afraid.” Came the answer.

Startled a made a sound that resembled a cat being strangled and looked up with wide eyes. I was so deep in my own mind that I hadn’t even noticed Eun Soo standing in front of me.

“Eun Soo? What are you doing here? Don’t you have class?” I questioned, ignoring her previous statement.

“Don’t you?” She countered, and I sighed in defeat.

“I was just, well… Um.” I struggled to come up with an excuse. I looked at her again, then slumped back against the wall and closed my eyes. “You heard us didn’t you?’

I didn’t have to look to see her nodding. I felt her sitting beside me and scooted over to make room without opening my eyes.

“You’re afraid Soo Min.” She repeated what she said earlier. “That’s why you don’t want to audition.”

I scoffed and began to deny it when she cut me off.

“You’re worried that you’re going to go and not be as good as everyone is telling you you’ll be. That you’re going to go and make a complete fool out of yourself.”

I don’t say anything, and she takes it as her cue to continue.

“I know how you feel.” She let out a light laugh. “I know that feeling well. Did you know that I’ve been auditioning for universities?”

At this, I looked at her. “Really?”

She nodded her head and smiled. “Not public ones. Art schools. The fancy, expensive ones. I’m trying to get a scholarship for playing the piano.”

I didn’t know that. “Wow. That’s amazing Eun Soo. Really. Have you had any luck?”

She let out another laugh. “We’re getting off topic. But no. Every single time I get rejected, it feels horrible, you know? But I don’t let that get me down. I just think, ‘there’s always another school’ or ‘maybe this time’. You get used to it after a while.” She paused for a moment, thinking. “My point is that you shouldn’t stress yourself out so much Soo Min. Sure, you feel like there’s so much pressure on you at the moment, but as long as you have confidence in yourself there’s nothing to be afraid of. Seriously, screw them if they tell you that you aren’t good enough for them.”

She leans in as though she’s going to tell me a secret. “Truth is, you have nothing to be afraid of. You’ll never see those people who will be auditioning you ever again.”

I feel my lips tilt up the tiniest bit at that, feeling slightly better. She nudges my shoulder.

“Don’t worry about Joo Won either. He just really wants to see you succeed in what you love doing. He really cares about you, Soo Min.”

At the mention of my boyfriend’s name, my smile drops. “But he doesn’t understand why I’m so scared.”

Eun Soo stands up and offers her hand to me, saying nothing. I take it and let her pull me up.

“Like I said, don’t worry about him. I’ll talk to him.”

I’m doubtful that Eun Soo will be able to make him understand – he seemed pretty upset with me before – but I still smile and thank her. We’re both surprised as we hear the final bell for the day ringing.

“I hadn’t realised we’d talked for the entire lesson,” I said with a laugh. I looked around to see the first students coming out of their classrooms. “Thank you Eun Soo. I needed that.”

She nodded at me, and then gave me a serious look. “Just promise me that you’ll think about what I said. Don’t let your fear get in the way, or you might end up regretting it.”

I nodded, and she lost her seriousness.

“I’ll guess that I will see you in a few days then. Bye Soo Min.” She smiled one last time at me, then turned and disappeared into the growing crowd of students making their way out of the school.

I turned down the hallway and started on my journey home, feeling less anxious than I did at the start of the day. As I stepped out of school grounds and onto the street, I caught my reflection smiling back at me in a store window.

The next morning, my mood had plummeted yet again. Not only was my father still giving me the silent treatment after our argument, but I was also scheduled to have lunch with my mother. I’d woken up early in a bad mood, and continued to mope around the house until it was absolutely necessary for me to begin getting ready for our lunch date.

I struggled to choose an appropriate outfit – knowing my mother she’d made a reservation at some high end restaurant that had a dress code. Sighing, I inspected my limited closet, but I couldn’t find anything worthy of her standard.

Why do I have to impress her? A small voice whispers in my head. It was true of course. I hated my mother and resented the fact that she was forcing me to meet her. There was no reason for me to dress up. Instead, I should dress as if to embarrass her.

With this idea in my mind, I picked out a simple pair of jeans, an old t-shirt and a pair off scuffed runners. After getting dressed and giving my hair a quick brush, I had decided that I had done well. Checking the time on my phone, I realised that if I left now I might only just make it on time. I grinned to myself. There was no reason to rush. The old hag could wait for me. With that, I left the house and began walking. I had received a message from my mother, which contained only an address. Unfortunately for me, I lived on the edge of town and to reach my destination I would have to walk a fair distance. The restaurant was in the middle of town.

It had been almost an hour when I finally came to a stop in front of the restaurant my mother had chosen. I was right in thinking that it would be expensive, I could tell that much just from the appearance of the exterior. The name was printed in big, bold letters above the door, but I couldn’t read it. It was in a different language, and I couldn’t be sure but I suspected that it was French. I pulled out my phone to send a message to my mother, telling her I was outside when I realised that I was almost ten minutes late. This gave me a sense of satisfaction as I wrote up my text.

I’m outside right now. Where are you?

I waited for a few minutes, eyeing the entrance now and then. There was no way I was going to be let in without a reservation. Especially when I’m dressed as I am now. After five minutes of waiting for a reply, I had decided that my mother had changed her mind and left before I had arrived. The knowledge gave me a sense of relief, but underneath that relief I felt something similar to hurt. After all, it was her who had made me come all the way here, obviously to speak to me about something, and now she hasn’t even shown up. I frown. I was sort of hoping that she was going to apologise to me, or explain herself or make some kind of excuse for her actions.

I shake my head, mentally reminding myself that I hated her with every part of my being and that I didn’t want to hear anything from her. I turned, and began to walk in the direction that I had come from. Perhaps Ha Na was still free, and that we could go and have lunch together. I had just begun to pull my phone out when a voice stopped me in my tracks. Inwardly, I cursed. She was here.

I fixed my expression, hoping that the smile that I pasted on appeared as cynical and fake as I intended it to be.

“Mother, how nice it is to see you. Shall we go inside now?” I almost cringed at the tone of my own voice.

The lady in front of me said nothing for a moment, just eyed me head to toe with a judgemental look and then sighed.

“You had nothing nicer to wear than that, Soo Min?” She turned around and I took that as my cue to follow her. I felt my smile widen ever so slightly at her comment. What I was wearing really annoyed her.

As I followed her inside the restaurant, I allowed my eyes to wander for a moment and inspect the restaurant in awe. Expensive was an understatement. The atmosphere reeked of sophistication, from the crisp white tablecloths to the muted lighting that the chandeliers above provided the room. I began to feel embarrassed about my outfit – I was sticking out like a sore thumb. To relieve myself of the growing anxiety that I was feeling I trained my eyes on my mother’s figure, still leading me through the maze of tables. She didn’t seem like she had changed – at least not physically. Her black hair still fell halfway down her back in soft waves, and she was still as tall and skinny as she was a month ago. She still looked like the woman who lied to both me and my father for months, who ruined our family.

Feeling the anger simmering in my stomach, I searched for something to distract myself. I didn’t want to think about that at the moment. Luckily for me, it seemed as though we were at our table. My mother gracefully pulled out a chair and sat down, looking at me expectantly when I didn’t move immediately. I grunted and sat down opposite her. For a while, neither of us moved or spoke and instead just stared at each other. I was almost glaring at her.

My mother was the first to look away. She cleared and grabbed one of the menus waiting in the centre of the table. I copied her movements and opened up the menu only to groan out loud. Not one word was in Korean. I couldn’t read anything. I put down the menu, making a slight thump as it met the table. It garnered no response from my mother, and so I spoke up with irritation.

“Why’d you make me come here?”

She raised an eyebrow, but didn’t take her eyes off of the menu. “I didn’t make you do anything.”

I scoffed at this. “Yeah right. We both know that I don’t want to be here. I only came because you threatened to come to the house.”

She put her menu down and signalled to the waiter. “You still came. Without me having to go and pick you up. Therefore, it was by your own will that you’re here.”

I was struggling to keep my voice level as I spat out at her “The only reason that I’m here is so that my father wouldn’t have to see your face.” I sneered at her.

If I wasn’t watching her face intently, I wouldn’t have noticed that my words actually affected her. But because I was staring straight into her eyes, I noticed that they hardened slightly.

“Let’s keep this civilised. I want to talk to you about – “She halted her words as the waiter approached to take our order. My mother quickly put on a small smile and murmured a few words confidently. Of course she knew how to read the menu. The waiter nodded and turned to me expectantly. I glanced at my mother, from whom I could almost see the smugness radiating off of. My pride boiled up. I was not going to ask for her help.

Turning back to the waiter, who looked slightly irritated at my hesitation, I smiled politely.

“Do you have any bread?”

The waiter paused, unsure of whether I was being serious or not. Seeing my expression he nodded and wrote something down.

“Would you like anything to drink?” He asked, although I think that he had already predicted what I was going to ask for.

“Water please.”

He nodded and I bowed, thanking him. As he walked away I turned back to my mother with a huge grin on my face. I leant back and crossed my arms across my chest.

“What were you saying?”

She sighed and actually rolled at me. “You can be so childish sometimes Soo Min. Why must you let your pride get in the way like that?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re one to talk.”

She just shook her head at me. “Enough. I was saying that I want to talk about you. Or your future, if you want to get specific.”

“You have got to be joking.” I say in disbelief. “Please tell me that you aren’t being serious right now. You brought me all the way here just to talk about that? You seriously have nothing else to say to me?”

I can tell that my mother is beginning to get frustrated.

“Yes, that is why I asked you to come here today. It’s a serious matter Soo Min.”

An idea entered my head as she continued to speak.

“You’re in your last year of high school. As far as I know, you have no plans to go to university, and you don’t even study anything that is going to be helpful to you later on in life.”

“What’s your point?”

She sighed and reached up to rub her forehead. “My point is that I don’t want to see my only daughter waste her life.”

I smiled and leant forward in my seat. “Well actually, I’ve been thinking about something for the past week. It regards our current topic.”

My mother, taken by surprise, leans in and offers me a small smile. “What is that?”

“Actually, you know how I enjoy singing,” I began, “I’ve been considering auditioning for an entertainment company.” I watch as her face falls.

“Singing. Surely you are the one that’s joking right now.” Her voice was stern.

“Absolutely not. You know SM Entertainment right? They’re holding auditions and people have been saying that I should try out. Don’t you think that’d be amazing, if I became an idol?”

Her face was becoming noticeably paler. I was struggling to withhold my grin.

“An idol? That’s completely ridiculous Soo Min. Do you even know how unpredictable that kind of job is? And that’s assuming that you’d even make it through the audition process!” She spoke as if the subject was unclean.

“So you don’t think I’d make it?” I question. I wait for her answer, holding my breath. When we still lived together, she always enjoyed listening to me sing. I always thought of it as something that we held sacred together, something that we became closer because of. I feel like I’ve been hit when she begins laughing.

“Soo Min, I’ll admit that you have a pretty voice. But to be an idol? There is no way that you would make it. You aren’t good enough.”

Seeing my face fall at her bluntness, she continues. I think she mistook it for my own hopes and dreams being crushed right in front of her. Her voice softened.

“Oh, Soo Min. Don’t be upset. Don’t blame yourself. It isn’t your fault, you just aren’t strong enough to have that kind of career. Whoever told you that is the one you should be blaming. Who was it anyway? Ha Na? Or was it that boyfriend of yours?” She paused and let out a small, sarcastic laugh.

“Oh, I know. It was your father wasn’t it? Of course it would be him. He’s always saying things like that. He’s never been too bright, your father. Too optimistic. He could only see the good in people. I swear –“

I had managed to stay quiet and control my mouth throughout her speech, but at the mention of my father my rage spiked.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare ever speak of him like that. You lost your right to even think of him the moment you started seeing another man! So you can’t speak badly of him like that.”

My mother looked beyond startled at my outburst. “I’m only trying to help you. It’s my job, I am your mother after –“

I pushed my seat out and stood up, effectively silencing her. “Don’t finish that sentence. I don’t even want to listen to your voice anymore.” I lean in slightly and lower my voice as I see people looking over at us. “You lost your right to be called my mother the moment you started screwing other men behind your family’s backs. So don’t you ever think that you are entitled to my life, or my future.”

I pause, waiting for her to speak, to reprimand me. But she doesn’t. She’s completely white now, gaping at me.

“And don’t try contacting me or dad ever again. You’ve lost your right to do that too.”

With that, I straightened up, and strode straight out the door trying to ignore the way everybody’s eyes clung to my figure. I kept walking for at least fifteen minutes before reality really struck me and I lost my breath. I stopped walking and collapsed against the closest wall, struggling to gain my breath. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I’d thought about that situation so many times. About what I’d say to my mother if I ever got to see her again. I’d imagined everything, from me telling her to get lost to her grovelling at my feet for forgiveness, for my father and her to take her back. But I never thought that saying what I did would make me feel as though I just lost part of myself. That it would make me want to cry.

I must have looked crazy, leaning against a wall in the middle of town struggling to get a breath in. I told myself that I was being ridiculous, that I was overreacting. I wanted this. Now I have to deal with the consequences.

After a few minutes, I manage to pull myself together enough to continue walking home. Although every step made me feeling like I was being drowned, underneath all of that I felt the tiniest bit of relief. Although I’d lost my mother indefinitely, I still discovered something that I wouldn’t have without having that conversation with her.

A/N: Chapter 3 is now finished! I was meant to upload this last night, but there was an issue with my intternet sorry. Anyway, thanks to my first official subsriber: xoklee!