Reset (chapter 16): The feeling he can’t remember

 

“So they will take it off today” Heechul said as she stares blankly in a faraway distant.

Sungmin nods sadly. “Dr. song will come soon”

Heechul sighs. She takes a deep breath. “I hope we won’t see each other anymore after this”

Hankyung stares at her confusedly. “Chullie?” 

Sungmin’s eyes widened. “Umma?”

“I already know everything” Heechul said. “How could you use Yesung to hurt Kyuhyun? How could you force him?”

Sungmin didn’t say anything as she just looked down and closed her eyes. She knows this day would come. That one day Heechul would wake up and starting to hate her. “I’m sorry”

“You think your sorry will be enough?”

Hankyung pats her shoulder. “Chullie, calm down”

“Tell me Hannie, how can I calm down?” Heechul asks. “She’s the one who caused all this nightmare. She’s the one who ruined our family”

“Chullie, our family is not ruined” Hankyung said. “And it never will”

“Our family is not ruined?” Heechul asks. She laughs sarcastically. “In less than one hour, we’re going to lose our son forever. We’re not going to be complete anymore. And it means ruined. And you think who caused that?”

Hankyung sighs. “It happen because it’s what should happen” he said. “Minnie, we’re sorry”

“No, Appa. I have all the right to be hated” Sungmin said. She looked up and fakes a smile. “I won’t bother you ever again after this. Thank you for everything”. Tears start rolling down her cheeks without her consent. “But haven’t you thought about it? I’m also weak without him. He’s the only one I have for now. What will I do without him?. Yes, he gave me so much chances and I ruined it all, yes, I ruined your family, but I’m just as weak as you are here. I need him too. Why can’t you see this from my side?”

“Even looking at everything from your side won’t change my mind” Heechul said. “I’m disappointed in you”

I’m disappointed in you. The words she doesn’t want to hear. The words she avoid the most. “I know one day you will say this” she said. “I know one day you will hate me. But I just want you to know, I do all of this for a reason. I was so upset when I did that. I didn’t even thought that it would cause this much trouble. I was upset, he never had any time for me. I thought he met other woman secretly behind my back. My mind went blank. I want to seek revenge towards him for hurting me. That’s why, I forced Yesung oppa to help. He refused, but I still insist, because I know, he’s always weak when it comes to girls. He can never stand seeing a girl crying”

She takes a deep breath. She wipes her tears and forces a smile. “Well, but I’m glad that I can put everything back to its place before finally leaving. At least Yesung oppa is back with Ryeowook unnie” she said, her voice was trembling. “I’m sorry I can’t bring Kyuhyun back to his place. Once more, thank you for everything. I—“ she stops talking when Heechul hugs her tight.

“I’m sorry” Heechul said, suddenly crying. “I was upset. I need someone to blame. And unfortunately you’re standing in the right place for me to blame”

“No. I really has all the right to be blamed” Sungmin said. She hugs her back. “Don’t forgive me anymore. Thank you for all your kindness”

“I’m sorry. I’m selfish” Heechul said. “I just keeps on seeing everything on my point of view, when you’re just as upset about me. Promise me, you’ll keep in touch with us after this”

Sungmin nods. “Thank you” she said. “For everything. For trusting me your son,  for forgiving me even though what I did was unforgivable”

Heechul lets go of her. “I’m sorry” she said.

“So what’s your plan after this?” Hankyung asks.

Sungmin shrugs. “I’m not really sure yet. Since I’m from art major, maybe I’ll become an artist and open my own gallery” she said. “I have lots of my paintings, and I don’t even know what to do with it. Maybe I’ll just display it in my own gallery”

Hankyung smiles at her. “Good luck. You’re going to need it”

Sungmin laughs bitterly. “This is weird. Vincent Van Gogh is my favorite artist and he’s also known for his miserable love life. Even Kyuhyun joked about this once” she said. “And now I’m a soon to be artist and having a miserable love life too”

Hankyung shook his head. “Your love life isn’t miserable. It just didn’t end in the most beautiful way”

Sungmin was about to say anything when Dr. Song walks towards them. “Are you ready?” He asks.

She looks at Hankyung and Heechul who just nods at her while smiling sadly before turning towards dr. Song. “Yes” she said, unsure of her own answer.

 

~~~***~~~

 

Yesung sighs as he stares at Kyuhyun who still keeps his eyes closed. He blinked his eyes to avoid crying. “No more crying” he whispers to himself. He takes a deep breath. “Kyuhyun, are you not tired of sleeping? Please wake up now”

There’s a moment of silent. “Okay, it’s not ‘please wake up now’ but you must wake up now” he said. “Or else you’re not going to see this amazing hyung of yours anymore”

Yesung laughs bitterly. “Okay, who am I kidding? Maybe you’re happy and relieved that you don’t have to see me anymore after what I’ve done to you” he said, tears started flowing even without him realizing it. “But you won’t be seeing umma and appa too. And they will be totally disappointed in you for that… will you… please… wake up?” He asks, his voice turned into a faint whisper after each words.

Ryeowook stares at him with teary eyes. She hugs him from behind tightly. “Don’t cry” she said. “You need to find strength”

Yesung holds her hands that is hugging him.. His face shows no emotion, but tears keeps on falling from his eyes. “How?” He asks. “If he won’t wake up, I will just keep on living my life with regret. I won’t be able to move on with my life. Tell me, how do I find strength?” He asks. He turns towards her and hugs her tight. “We used to be so close. I was his favorite brother”

“You still are”

“No. he’s disappointed in me”

“You need to be strong”

“What for?”

“For your parents. For Tae Hee” Ryeowook said. “And for me”

Yesung let go of her as he stares at Tae Hee who was sleeping on the sofa. She’s already tired of running around since Yesung brought her here, and fell asleep a few minutes ago. “But I…”

Ryeowook smiles at him. She wipes his tears. “If you won’t be able to move on with your life, what about Tae Hee?” She asks. “You need to think of her future too”

Yesung didn’t say anything as he realized that she’s right.

“You can never change the past. But you can always fix the future” Ryeowook said. “Now, fix your future. Stop crying about your past. You can never change it”

Yesung was about to say something when Dr. Song came in with Hankyung, Heechul, Sungmin, and a few nurses. “It’s time” dr. Song said.

Yesung nods as he takes a few steps back, making a way for dr. Song and the nurses. He can feel Ryeowook holding his hands tightly.

Sungmin was looking at the floor, doesn’t want to see how or when it happens. Heechul just hugs Hankyung tightly as she cries silently on his chest.

Dr. Song knows none of them wants to say anything. He coughs. “Okay, I’ll take off all his life supporting tools now” he said.

But people said, some things happened when you less expect it.

And that’s what happened.

A voice came out. A voice they missed. A voice they never heard for months.

“Why… is everyone… crying?”

 

~~~***~~~

Kyuhyun slowly opened his eyes as he seen some light from all the darkness. All he can see was an IV stand. And a doctor. And some nurses. They were all focused on doing something. But everyone else was there too. His parents, Yesung, Ryeowook, and even Sungmin. And they are all crying.

He tried to say something, but his voice barely came out. So this is the only thing that he’s able to ask. “Why… is everyone… crying?”

And with those words, everyone looked at him with a mixture of surprised and relieved look on their faces.

“Kyuhyun?” Yesung was the first one to say something. “Oh my god… you’re… awake?”

And with that, Heechul broke with tears of relieve and ran towards him to hug him tight. “You’re awake. You’re awake. You’re alive” she mumbles incoherently.

He can see Sungmin, standing at the corner of the room, staring at him with this indescribable look on her face. As if she doesn’t believe that he’s awake.

He really wanted to tell her, this is true. He’s alive. But something he can’t remember told him one thing:

That whatever he did, even though he turn back the time, no matter how many time he pressed ‘reset’, they will go back to this point. A point of no return.

As if their relationship can’t be mend anymore. Can’t be fixed.

And this thing he can’t remember just make him keeps staring at her blankly. Even after the doctor examined him.

He’s still looking at her, who was crying silently.

 

~~~***~~~

 

An elderly woman was shocked when she opened the door of her orphanage. A very beautiful middle aged woman was standing in front of her. The woman who asked her help while crying. The woman who left her son because she can’t send him to school.

She would recognize this person anytime, even though she’s wearing a little bit of make up, expensive clothes, and no longer seemed tired like she used to. This woman didn’t age, even a bit. “Mrs. Leeteuk?”

Leeteuk smiles at her. “It’s good that you still remember me, Mrs. Hong”

Mrs. Hong smiles back at her. “You didn’t age at all, of course I remember you” she said. “What happened?”

“By any chance, do you still remember who adopted my son?” Leeteuk asks.

“Yesung?” Mrs. Hong asks as she tried to remember. “I don’t really remember. All I can remember is they are a rich family, with this cute little boy. They adopted him to be their playmate”

There’s a moment of silent. “My Yesung-ie…” Leeteuk said sadly. “Did he grew up well while he was here?”

Mrs. Hong laughs softly. “Well… I can remember him being bratty all the times. It’s as if he will get sick if he didn’t got scolded by me just for a day” she said. “But he always made a carnation for me every mother’s day. He said he was just practicing to made it for you, but he gave me a very sincere message along with it”

Leeteuk smiles sadly. “I heard he was adopted when he was 12?”

Mrs. Hong nods. “he grew up into a really good looking young boy” she said. “And he’s very proud of it”

Leeteuk laughs softly. “Just like his father”

There’s a moment of silent. She holds mrs. Hong’s hand. “Mrs. Hong, could you please, help me look for Yesung-ie?” She asks. “I just… I just wanted him to know that I’m still here. That I never abandon him”

Mrs. Hong smiles at her. “I will” she said. “I’ll help you find him. I just need to find those documents and contact his new parents”

“Thank you, thank you so much” Leeteuk said. “I don’t know how to pay you back”

“I’ll let you know when I find him”

 

~~~***~~~

 

Kyuhyun was looking at the window at his room when someone called his name. He turned his gaze only to find Yesung, standing beside his bed.

“Hyung…” he said weakly. His voice still barely comes out. Maybe this is what happened when you fell unconscious for 7 months.

“I… I’m really glad that you wake up” Yesung said. “I thought… I thought I’ll lose you forever”

Kyuhyun stares at him confusedly.

“You don’t know?” Yesung asks. “The doctors were supposed to take off all your life supporting tools today because there’s a really small chance of you waking up. It’s lucky that you wake up before they did”

There’s a moment of silent.

“I sounded awkward, am I?” yesung asks.

“A lot” Kyuhyun said.

“Kyuhyun… I… look, I’m sorry” Yesung said. “I’m sorry if I disappoint you. It was my fault that you’re like this… I should have said no to her”

“No need. Not your fault” Kyuhyun said. “She will keeps on insisting even if you said no. Sorry for blaming you”

“No. it was me who can’t say no. If only I could just left her after I said no”

“And let her do it with another guy I don’t know?”

Yesung smiles sheepishly. “Maybe it hurts less?”

“Should I ask whoever your future wife to do that to you, so that you’ll know if it hurts less or more?” Kyuhyun asks teasingly.

Yesung pouts. “You’re too cruel” he said. “So… am I forgiven?”

Kyuhyun shrugs. “Not sure”

“Kyuhyun… can we… go back to just like when we’re kids?” Yesung asks. “I wanted us to be close again. Can we?”

“Well… let me think...” Kyuhyun said. “ I don’t know you when I was a kid”

Yesung looked down. He stares at the white floor. “Well… does that means a no?”

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes at him. “That was supposed to be a joke, duh” he said. “Such a kill joy”

“Aish! I was being serious and all emotional here!” Yesung said. “You’re breaking the atmosphere”

“You said that you wanted to go back just like when we were kids!” Kyuhyun said. “That’s what happened when we were kids. Did you forgot that I used to call you big head and tease you all the time?”

Yesung pouts. “Well, sorry, but I never forgot, single since birth”

Kyuhyun laughs. “You need to change that one, it’s been 7 years, I’m no longer single since birth”

Yesung was about to say something when Tae Hee barged in. “Papa, you’re here!” She said as she hugs him tight. He carries her on his arms.

“Who is this kid?” Kyuhyun asks confusedly.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you” Yesung said. “This is my daughter, Tae Hee. Tae Hee, this is your uncle, Kyuhyun”

Tae Hee smiles. She giggles. “He looks even more handsome when he’s awake”

“No. don’t you be deceived of his looks and adding up his list of poor, deceived souls” Yesung said. “His looks are deceiving”

“You said that as if I’m some kind of a lady killer” Kyuhyun said.

Yesung laughs. “You are. Did you forgot how many girls cried because of you?”

“Anyway…” Kyuhyun said, he stares at Tae Hee confusedly. “I thought I only slept for 7 months, not 7 years?”

Yesung nods.

“So how come this girl is your daughter?” Kyuhyun asks suspiciously. “Or you’ve been secretly…”

“Stop your soap opera thoughts, okay?” Yesung asks. “I adopted her. Tae Hee, introduce yourself to him”

“Hello, uncle Kyuhyun. My name is Tae Hee, Kim Tae Hee. But Appa told me to write my name as Cho Tae Hee at school, because that’s what is in his… what is it called?”

“Legal document”

“Right. Legal document” Tae Hee said. “And I’m 5 years old”

“You taught a five years old about legal documents?” Kyuhyun asks. “Talk about, worse father ever”

“Whatever. But Tae Hee’s happy with me. Right Tae Hee?”

Tae Hee nods. “Papa Yesung is a pretty decent father”

Kyuhyun laughs. “Just pretty decent? Why?”

“Well… he would still left me for his work” Tae Hee said. “But of all, he keeps on telling me to tell only something good about him to Mama Wookie”

“Sounds like something he would do” Kyuhyun laughs. “Cheer up, Tae Hee, I know how you feel. It must be annoying, right?”

Tae Hee nods. “I need to restrain myself from telling Mama Wookie how much he loves taking selfies at random times and places!”

Kyuhyun laughs. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell her instead. He can never resist me, and your Mama Wookie will always believe me” he said as he high fived with her.

“Yah! Why are both of you suddenly made a coalition against me?” Yesung asks.

Tae Hee laughs. “Sorry papa”

“So… I guess you’re going back with Ryeowook-ie?” Kyuhyun asks. “How did it happen?”

Yesung shrugs. “It’s a long story that includes a not very cool part of me”

“I’ll just ask Ryeowook-ie, then”

“I’ll beg her to not to tell you” Yesung said. “Once Cho Kyuhyun knows, Kim Heechul knows. Once Kim Heechul knows, everyone in this world knows”

Kyuhyun laughs. “That’s what I’m planning to do”

Yesung rolled his eyes at him. “How cruel”

Kyuhyun laughs as he hih fived with Tae Hee—again.

Well… they will get along really well.

 

~~~***~~~

 

The rain keeps on pouring hard that day, as if it won’t stop anytime. Kyuhyun was watching every drops fell through his room window as he tries to remember.

What is that thing he can’t remember? Why did he felt this way?.

Part of him wanted to forgive her. He wants to start all over again with her. However, he still loves her.

But this part of him felt afraid.

What if she won’t accept him? What if the same thing will just happen?.

It’s as if he’s avoiding being hurt again, after being hurt a couple of times, when in fact, she only hurt him once, right?.

As if they are facing a point of no return. As if it will just go back to the same point again even if he pressed ‘reset’.

He never felt this way before that accident. Is it possible that he changes what he felt about something after falling unconscious for 7 months?.

“The rain keeps on pouring today” a voice said. Kyuhyun knows that voice. That voice has been trying to talk to him since 30 minutes ago. A voice he misses. A voice he wanted to hear. A voice whose owner he wants to forgive. A voice that hurts him.

The voice’s owner—Sungmin sighs as Kyuhyun still not responding to her words. She understand. However she deserved this. It’s still good that he haven’t told her to leave, though.

She coughs. “So… I heard, you’re getting along really well with Tae Hee?”

But still, no response. Kyuhyun was still looking through the window, as if nobody’s standing beside him. As if nobody’s talking to him.

Sungmin bites her lower lip. Nothing surprising. Not like she never expected that Kyuhyun will keeps on ignoring her even after he wakes up. He was all upset before the accident happen. Why would she think that he would accept her and act as if nothing happen?. “How long are you planning to ignore me?”

Kyuhyun hates this situation. A situation where he knows he needs to let go, but he still stupidly wishing for impossible things to happen. Waiting that maybe someday, he won’t feel as hurt as today. Thinking, maybe she changed. Finding that deep inside she still loves him. But he knows that’s impossible.

He turns his attention to her, staring right into her eyes. She hasn’t changed at all. Even after 7 months. Even after all those hurtful years. And so does his feelings. Nothing changed except for the fact that the more she hurt him, the more he realizes that he loves her. “Then, shall we talk?” He asks after a few minutes of silence.

Sungmin was lost for words. It was their first eye contact after 7 months. “Y-yes. We should settle things up between us” was the only thing she managed to say through her trembling voice.

Kyuhyun nods. “Fine” he said. “Give me that divorce letter”

“Eh?”

“You said you want to settle things. I’ve decided. I need to let go of you. We need to let go of each other” Kyuhyun said, still sounding unexpectedly calm. “I’ll sign it. We’ll proceed it when I’m fully recovered. Sorry for not being able to proceed it sooner”

“But… I don’t mean it this way”

“Then how?”

“I… I’ve realized I was wrong. What you said that day really got in to me. All these 7 months made me realize how I’m unable to live my life without you. I cancelled the divorce. I threw that paper away”

There’s a moment of silent. “Then get a new one” Kyuhyun said coldly.

Tears start falling from Sungmin’s eyes without her noticing. “You’re… you’re really not going to try to fix everything?”

“I tried. Lots of times. But you ignore it”

“But… I love you”

Kyuhyun sighs. “Trust me, I love you too. I still love you”

“Then why?”

“I’m just tired of trying”

“Try a bit more”

“If our position is reversed, will you be able to endure this?” Kyuhyun asks. “Will you be able to keep trying?”

There’s a moment of silent. He’s right. She keeps on telling him to keep on trying, without knowing how much does it hurts to try. “Can’t you… just forgive me?”

“I did” Kyuhyun said. “I just decided to let you go as soon as I decided to forgive you”

“Kyu, I’m sorry… please don’t do this”

“I have all the right to do this. After all, you’re the one who asked for it”

“So it’s end? Just like this?”

“You’re the one who wanted an ending” Kyuhyun said. “I just give you one”

“But I never meant it” Sungmin said. “Why are you so… cruel?”

“Now that’s what I wanted to ask you” Kyuhyun said. “Why are you so cruel? On the other side, you hurt me. You forced me to let you go even if I don’t want. And now, I let you go, you begged me to stay with you”

“You know that I never meant it”

“That’s too much for something you didn’t meant”

“If we still love each other, then why would we let go of each other?”

This. The question that he’s not yet able to answer. The question that lingers in his mind for quite a while. If he loves her, and if he knew that she loves him, why would he let her go?. 

He stares at her who is staring at him with teary eyes. He really wanted to wipe those tears. To tell her, ‘sorry, I didn’t meant it’.

But that one question he can’t answer is forbidding him to.

He stares at the window—anywhere, as long as he’s no longer looking at her. “Because we’re facing a point of no return” he said. “even if we can turn back the time, nothing will change. The same thing will just happen. No matter how many times we pressed reset, we will just stuck at this point again”

“Who knows? You never tried”

Kyuhyun didn’t say anything. She’s right. He never tried. This is just what he thought about as soon as he wakes up. This is what that something he can’t remember is telling him since he wakes up. That no matter how many times he pressed ‘reset’, the same thing will just happen. “Because that’s how things went. No matter how many times you pressed ‘reset’, the game will never change. You’ll meet the same opponent. And the same opponent that you’re never be able to beat” he said, telling her another one of those things.

Sungmin sighs. She wipes her tears. “Fine. Your decision seemed final” she said. “I’ll get a new divorce letter. But before, promise me this one thing”

Kyuhyun just stares at her confusedly.

“Let me take care of you until you recover” Sungmin said. “I wanted to be a good wife for you. At least just for once”

There’s a moment of silent. “Fine” Kyuhyun said with a hint of hesitation in his voice.

Because he knows, he’s weak when it comes to her.

 

~~~***~~~

 

“What are you doing here, alone?” Sungmin asks Ryeowook who is sitting on a bench at the hospital’s park while drinking a cup of coffee.

Ryeowook sighs as she stares at her cup of coffee. “Just… thinking. You?” She asks. “You’re the one who isn’t supposed to be here, alone”

“Can I join you?” Sungmin asks as she points towards an empty seat beside her instead of answering to her question.

“No rules that says you can’t”

“Thank you” Sungmin said as she sat beside her. “I also need some thinking”

“What happened?” Ryeowook asks. “I mean, Kyuhyun’s awake now. You’re not supposed to be here, alone”

There’s a moment of silent as Sungmin just stares at her fingers. She intertwines her finger on her own. “My problem’s too complicated” she said. “You first. What happened?”

“Just… something stupid” Ryeowook said. “Just some sort of ‘I don’t want to be hurt anymore’ thoughts”

“I really messed everything, did I?”

Ryeowook nods. “Yes. You did” she said. “But at this point, even I’m not sure that you’re the one who made this happen”

“Maybe I can help. Just tell me”

“Yesung… he’s ready to bring our relationship to the next stage. He promised to propose me after Kyuhyun wakes up” Ryeowook said. She stares at her paper cup of coffee. “Now that he’s awake, the proposal will happen anytime soon”

“You’re supposed to be happy”

“I know, right?” Ryeowook asks. “But I’m afraid. What if the same thing happen? What if he hurt me again?”

“Ryeowook-ssi… Yesung… he never hurt you. He never had the slightest idea to hurt you. I’m the one who made him do that” Sungmin said. “You know that, right? He didn’t hurt you because he wanted to. He hurts you because I forced him. I mean, he’s a nice guy and all… it’s just… I’m sorry. Both of you used to be so happy together, but because of my selfishness…”

“Actually I no longer thought about that anymore” Ryeowook said. “But I just… what if he suddenly chooses to look back again? What if he’s suddenly unable to say no again? What will happen to me if that happens?”

“Trust me, that won’t happen anymore” Sungmin said. “Yesung oppa and you… believe it or not, both of you are the victim of my selfishness. Even Kyuhyun is. Yesung, I hurt him once because I choose Kyuhyun over him. And twice because I forced him to choose me over you. This time, for once, let him be happy”

“How?” Ryeowook asks frustratedly. “I hate to act this way. I know he’s hurt. But I can’t help it if my heart doesn’t want to be hurt again. I love him. I forgive him. But I can’t just straightly be ready to marry him”

“How could you know? You never tried”

“There are some things in this world that you already know the result even before trying it, Lee Sungmin-ssi” Ryeowook said. “Because the answer was just simply ‘because that’s how things went’. That’s how things went. You get hurt, you protect yourself to not to get hurt again”

Sungmin didn’t say anything. What Ryeowook said reminded her a lot of what Kyuhyun told her before.

“Because that’s how things went. No matter how many times you pressed ‘reset’, the game will never change. You’ll meet the same opponent. And the same opponent that you’re never be able to beat”

She sighs as she looks down, letting her tears blurred her vision. “I messed up a lot, right?” She asks. “I hurt everyone, right?”

Ryeowook turns towards her. “I bet Kyuhyun isn’t ready to go back to you?”

“He’s not ‘not ready’” Sungmin said. “But he will never be ready. And he doesn’t want to try anymore”

“Why?”

“He asked for divorce”

There’s a moment of silent. “That’s…” Ryeowook said after a few seconds of silence. “Quite unexpected coming from him. We all thought he will forgive you”

“He did. He even said he loves me” Sungmin said. “But he said he’s tired of trying. He said I was the one who wanted it this way”

“I kind of understand him” Ryeowook said. “You may not know this, but he’s been so weak these past few months after you asked for divorce. We’re awake these past 7 months, so we all know how much you’ve changed. But he’s not awake these past 7 months. He doesn’t know that you regretted your actions so much. He’s just afraid the same thing will happen. He’s just afraid to get hurt again. Just try giving his heart a break. He needs it. You need to stop bugging him about that for a while. Maybe he will reconsider”

“I tried to explain” Sungmin said. “I told him that I’ve changed, but he just won’t listen”

Ryeowook sighs. “Hey, listen” she said. “If you were him. A girl who hurt you a lot suddenly said that she changed. Will you believe her immediately?”

Sungmin didn’t say anything. Ryeowook was right. She never thought about Kyuhyun or his feelings at all. All she thought about is herself.

“So what happened? Did you decided to agree with him?”

“His decision sounded final” Sungmin said. “I can’t say no when he’s so eager to let go of me. I’m lucky that he gave me a chance to take care of him until he recovers”

“That only means he never wanted to really let go of you from the first place” Ryeowook said.

“But he won’t listen, no matter what I said” Sungmin said. “He said it’s time to let go of each other”

Ryeowook sighs. “Whatever. Just don’t do things you might regret”

“And you? What about you? Will you give Yesung a chance?”

Ryeowook shrugs as she stands up. “We’ll see” she said. “Anyway, thank you. I get a better way of thinking now” she adds before she left.

Sungmin sighs. “If only I know” she whispered. “If only I know that I will just ruin everything if I did that. If only I know that I will ruin everything nice. If only I know that I will just ruin things that I like…”

‘If only’. The words she hates most these past few days. If only I didn’t do that. If only I knew. If only I can turn back the time.

But the truth is, she can’t. If only means unending regrets. Means she can never change it.

And it reminds her of how much of a fool she is.

 

~~~***~~~

“Umma, why are you still crying? I’m fine now. See?” Kyuhyun asks Heechul who still keeps on crying after he wakes up.

Hankyung smiles. “You know your mother. She’s like… totally weird”

Heechul wipes her tears. “Both of you are heartless” she said. “Can’t you see that I’m being all emotional here? Hannie, we almost lose him”

“The truth is, you don’t right?” Kyuhyun asks. “I’m fine. No need to cry anymore”

“What took you so long? Why don’t you just wake up early?”

Kyuhyun laughs. “You know I can’t decide”

“By the way, have you met with Yesung’s daughter?” Hankyung asks.

Kyuhyun nods. “Yesung hyung is crazy. Having no experience at all at parenting, but decided to adopt a kid” he said. He laughs. “Not that I’m against it though. Tae Hee is a cute kid”

Heechul smiles. “Glad to see that both of you are getting along really well again” she said. “And you? What about you?”

Kyuhyun stares at her confusedly. “What ‘what about me’?”

“When will you give us grandchildren” Heechul said. “You’re not planning to keeps on being like this with Minnie, right? You sure have plans to have kids”

There’s a moment of silent. Kyuhyun’s smile vanished. “Actually… I was planning to sign the divorce letter”

Heechul’s eyes widened. “We all know Minnie threw that paper away a few months ago” she said. “We all know she never meant it”

“But to know that she ever had the thought to prepare those papers… that’s what matters” Kyuhyun said. “I don’t want to talk about it”

“But… why?” Hankyung asks. “We thought you love her?”

“I love her doesn’t mean I have to accept her for whatever she did” Kyuhyun said. “End of discussion. I don’t want to talk about it anymore”

“But that’s love is all about. It’s about giving and accepting” Hankyung said. “But well… you’re old enough to make your own decision”

Heechul was about to say something when her cellphone rings. “Wait a minute” she said. She turns towards Kyuhyun. “And you, this conversation is not yet finished. I still have a lot to say to you” she adds before she left to answer the call.

“Hello?”

‘Hello, Mrs. Kim Heechul?’ an old woman’s voice said.

“Yes. That’s me. Who is this?”

‘Oh. I’m glad you haven’t changed your number yet’  said the old woman. ‘It’s me. Hong Hyunjung. The head officer of the orphanage where you adopted Kim Yesung 20 years ago’

“Oh. Mrs. Hong. What happened?” Heechul asks. “Yesung is growing up really well. By any chance, do you missed him?”

The old woman—Mrs. Hong laughs. ‘Well, actually, Yesung’s mother just contacted me’

“Yesung’s mother?”

‘His real mother’ Mrs. Hong said carefully. ‘She said she wanted to meet him’

There’s a moment of silent. “Why?” Heechul asks coldly. “She left him years ago”

‘She felt guilty’ Mrs. Hong said. ‘You know she didn’t left him because she wanted to’

Heechul sighs. “I don’t know” she said. “I’m not sure Yesung would want to meet her”

‘Mrs. Kim, please, we beg you’ Mrs. Hong said.

“Fine. But I’ll meet her first before” Heechul said. “So I can see if I can let her see my Yesung or not”

‘Thank you Mrs. Kim, thank you’  Mrs. Hong said.

“You’re welcome” Heechul said as she forced a smile before she hangs up on the call. She rested her back against the wall.

The truth is she’s really afraid. What if Yesung decided to go back to his real family?. After all these years?. After all these memories they shared together?.

She lets tears flows from her eyes as she closed it. “Why?” She asks. “Just when I thought everything is going well…”

 

~~~***~~~

 

“Umma, where have you been?” Jongjin asks Leeteuk as he walks towards her. “I was looking for you everywhere”

Leeteuk who is  currently sitting at a sofa beside a window while holding her cup of lemon tea just smiles at her son. “Sorry, for leaving without your consent” she said. “But I’m fine. I just went to that place”

Jongjin clearly knew where does she refers. That place. Where she left his older brother. Where she left his Yesung hyung. He sighs. “You clearly know that there was no way he’s going back to that place, right?”

“I know” Leeteuk said. “But Jinnie, that dream keeps on haunting me everyday. You’re right. I don’t even know whether he’s alive or what. But somehow I can tell that he’s alive. That he’s waiting for me somewhere”

“Umma… you know there’s a probability that those are just your dreams, right?”

“I know” Leeteuk said. “But in this dream, he felt so real. I could feel his presence. I could feel his breath. I could feel… everything”

Jongjin sighs. “Umma, you need to see a psychiatrist”

“You thought that I’m crazy?”

“You know that’s not what I meant, right?” Jongjin asks. “I mean, I also missed Yesung hyung. I kept on remembering how much he loves fall. I keeps on remembering how much he loves singing. I keeps on remembering how much he loves airplanes. But what can we do? We don’t even know whether he’s alive or not. We need to think logically”

“No. I’m sure he’s alive” Leeteuk said. “We just need to find him”

“If ever we find him, you think he will remember us?” Jongjin asks. “Umma, you changed a lot. And so does me. And I bet he changed too. I mean, it’s been years. He’s 32 now. Will he remember us?”

“Jongjin, as much as I’m concerned, you’re the one who stayed positive” Leeteuk said. “You’re the one who said we can find him”

“But that was before it started to turn you like this” Jongjin said. “Umma, I’m also your son, but you keeps on thinking about Yesung hyung even when you’re with me. It seems like you only cared about Yesung hyung and not me”

“Jinnie, son, you know that it’s not true” Leeteuk said. “I just… I felt guilty towards Yesung. Is he living a better life now? Is he feeling better now? Is he thinking that he’s unwanted just like he did in my dreams? I just… can’t help but to think of those things”

Jongjin sighs. “I know” he said. “I’m just… worried about you”

Leeteuk smiles at him. “Don’t worry. I’m fine. I just missed him” she said. Jongjin was about to say something when Leeteuk’s phone rings. “Five minutes. And when I get back, we acted as if we never had this conversation and act normal, okay?”

Jongjin nods. “Five minutes”

Leeteuk went out and stares at the caller ID. It was Mrs. Hong from the orphanage. Her heart starts beating fast in excitement. Is it the good news she has been waiting for? Is she finally going to meet her son?. She takes a deep breath before answering. “Hello?”

‘Mrs. Leeteuk?’ Mrs. Hong said. ‘I just contacted Yesung’s new parents’

“And?”

‘And they said they wanted to meet you first before letting you meet him’ Mrs. Hong said. ‘She said she will inform the time really soon’

A hint of disappointment starts rushing towards her. Why can’t she just meet her son? After all these years, it’s still not enough yet?. She sighs. “Fine. Thank you for your help, Mrs. Hong. Tell her that I’m ready to meet her anytime” she said. “The sooner the better” she adds before she hangs up on the call.

She stares at the picture on her wallet. A picture she always brings everywhere. Their last family portrait before that accident happened. She caress the little boy’s face on the picture. “Wait for me, Yesung-ie” she whispers sadly.

 

~~~****~~~

 

“You haven’t eat your lunch yet?” Sungmin asks Kyuhyun as she stares at the tray of food on top of a counter beside his bed.

Kyuhyun follows where she stares—to that tray. “I’m not hungry”

Sungmin rolls her eyes at him. “Yes, you’re not hungry” she said. “But that doesn’t mean your body doesn’t need it. You need to eat, so you can drink those medicines, rest, and get better”

It’s been a week since he wakes up, and Kyuhyun finally can speak normally, without having to try hard anymore. And Sungmin is fulfilling her promise. She take care of him everyday without even mentioning the fact that they are going to face the ending of their marriage life.

“You sounded more like my mother instead of my wife”

Sungmin pinches his nose. “Yeah, right. That’s because you’re acting like a kid” she said. “So I have to treat you like a mother treating her son”

“A bit too much”

“Whatever” Sungmin said as she gets a bowl of porridge on too of the tray. “Now, eat”

“I don’t want”

“Your wife is kindly helping you eat here” Sungmin said as she showed him the spoon she’s holding. “And you still don’t want to eat?”

“Maybe because my wife is doing it in a boring way”

Sungmin raises an eyebrow. “Boring, huh?” She asks. She insert the porridge to and unexpectedly kissed him.

Kyuhyun’s eyes widened. It was their first kiss after so many years. It was their first kiss after they decided to have a divorce. Well, even though it doesn’t mean to be a kiss, but still, it’s a kiss.

Sungmin lets go of him after a few minutes. “Less boring?” She asks. She only noticed what she did when she notices Kyuhyun staring at her blankly while blushing.

There’s a moment of silent. Kyuhyun coughs. “It is getting less boring” he said, which makes her looks at him right in the eye. He flashes a smirk. “But it gets disgusting. You watched too much dramas”

Sungmin blushes profusely upon hearing his words. She didn’t even realize what she was doing, and this is what he got to say?. She hits his chest gently. “I didn’t realize I was doing that!”

“And how could you not realize?” Kyuhyun asks. “It’s too readable”

Sungmin rolls her eyes at him—again. “If it’s readable, you should’ve avoided it” she said. She flashes a smirk. “Or don’t tell me that you actually wanted it too?”

Kyuhyun laughs. “Maybe” he said.

“Maybe? Just maybe?”

“What do you want the answer to be?”

“It’s better be yes” Sungmin said. “But maybe is enough. It sounds kinda cool”

Kyuhyun smiles at her as he tucks her hair behind her ears. “Now…” he said. He stares right into her eyes, while sounding all serious. He flashes his smirk—again. “Get up. You’re getting heavy”

That’s when Sungmin realizes that she’s currently sitting on his laps. She blushes profusely—for the nth time today. She really can’t realize what she was doing when this guy is around. She quickly stands up. “You’re weird. I can’t realize what I’m doing when I’m around you”

Kyuhyun laughs. “That’s because you’ve fallen too deep inside my charms” he said. “It’s hard to escape”

Sungmin smiles back at him. “You’re kind of right”

“No denying this time?”

“Kyu?”

Kyuhyun stares at her, even more intensely this time. He knew where this conversation is heading to.

“Can’t we just stay like this forever?” Sungmin asks. “Do the divorce really need to happen?”

Now this is what he’s afraid of.

It’s only been a week, and he’s already unsure about the divorce. Simply because he loves her. Because he’s weak when it comes to her.

He wanted to forgive her, but he can’t. That feeling he can’t remember is still restraining him. He’s afraid that he will just get hurt again.

He was about to say something when Yesung barged in. “Hey, Kyu, I—“ he stops talking when he realizes that Sungmin was also in there. “Are you guys in a middle of an important conversation?”

Sungmin shook her head. She puts the bowl on top of the tray. “No. I was just going to leave” she said. “I’ll come back at 4 to assist you on your walking practice. Rest well, and get well soon” she adds before she left the room.

Yesung sighs as he stares at Kyuhyun. “I heard from Umma and Appa that you’re still on that stupid divorce plan”

“It’s not stupid” Kyuhyun said. “I’m just avoiding being hurt twice”

“But you keeps on acting as if you’re giving her chances”

“I’m not. I just want to be friends with her”

Yesung stares at him. “Now, answer me honestly” he said. “Do you still love her?”

There’s a moment of silent. “That’s one thing I can never deny”

“Then why still pursue that divorce?”

“You don’t understand!” Kyuhyun said. “Do you know how much I gave her chances? And how many times she stood me up?” He asks, his voice getting weak after each words. “I’m not stupid enough to let it happen twice. Why pursue love when it just hurts you?”

“But you love her”

“Sometimes love alone isn’t enough” Kyuhyun said. “It takes trust, too. And I’ve completely lost my trust towards her”

“But…” Yesung takes a deep breath. “If you can forgive me, why not forgive her too? She and I did same here. We both did equally wrong. Why not forgive her if you can forgive me?”

There’s a moment of silent as Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to say anymore.

Yesung sighs. “Kyuhyun, I’m your brother. I just don’t want you to make decisions you will regret” he said. “I hope you will reconsider about this divorce thingies”

It’s been only a week since he wakes up.

And he’s starting to reconsider whether he’s deciding the right thing.

 

~~~***~~~

 

“Chullie? Where are you going?” Hankyung asks as he noticed Heechul walking out of their room, all dressed up.

“Hannie? I thought you already left for work?” Heechul asks nervously. Today is the day she’s supposed to meet with Yesung’s mother. She doesn’t want anyone to know, especially Hankyung. Because she knows, he will just made her act mature. He will just told her to let Yesung choose.

And it’s not like she doesn’t know Yesung’s choice.

Hankyung laughs. “Today is Sunday, what work?” He asks. “Where are you going?”

Heechul coughs. “I… have a date?” She asks. “With… my friends?”

“Okay this is getting suspicious” Hankyung said. “You think you can lie? Tell me the truth”

“And why does it getting suspicious?”

“Because you always tell me everything about your plan since the day before the plan, duh” Hankyung said. “Now what is it that you’re hiding?”

Heechul thinks for a while. “I’m not hiding anything”

“You are” Hankyung said. “Now, tell me, or else I won’t let you go”

Heechul takes a deep breath. “Fine. I was going to meet Yesung’s real mother. Happy now?”

“Yesung’s what?”

“Yesung’s real mother” Heechul said. “The orphanage contacted me. She said that his mother is looking for him. She wanted to meet him. But I told her that she will be meeting me first before I finally can decide if she can meet our Yesung”

“But… after all these years… why?”

“That’s what I was asking about” Heechul said. “She dumped him and never look for him for years. So why bother to look for him all of a sudden?”

“But I’m sure she has a reason” Hankyung said. “We better tell Yesung about this”

“And let him feel upset?” Heechul asks. “Hannie, things are getting better and better each day. There was just no way I was going to let this ruin it”

“But there was just no way we let him stay innocent about this” Hankyung said. “We all know how much he missed his real family. He just never showed it to us”

Heechul shook her head. “I will meet this person first” she said. “And see if she can meet with him. He’s my son now. After she left him. So I have all the right to decide”

“But—“

“This is why I don’t want to tell you at first” Heechul said. “You will just hinder my decision. You will just force me to let go of him”

“Bwcause that’s the right thing to do”

“Ignore those right things” Heechul said. “Now, just for once, be selfish. Do you want to let go of him?”

There’s a moment of silent as Hankyung doesn’t know what to say.

“You don’t want, right?” Heechul asks. “Now, let me finish this problem. I can decide by myself” she adds before she left.

Hankyung sighs. First it was Kyuhyun. And now it’s Yesung.

Just as things were going right, it went worse again.

Why can’t things just be normal?.

~~~***~~~

 

“Hey, Kim Ryeowook”

Ryeowook looked up when she notices Yesung trying to catch her attention. She fakes a smile. “Why?”

Yesung pouts. “Why can’t we have normal conversation for once?” He asks. “One of us is always spacing out”

Ryeowook laughs. “Sorry” she said. “Not that I don’t want to notice you. What are you talking about earlier?”

Tae Hee is currently playing at the slides near their table, so she can’t hear them.

“Nothing. Just random rantings” Yesung said. “Now it’s about you. I notice you keeps on spacing out whenever you’re with me these days. What happened?”

‘It’s about the marriage’ Ryeowook thought. But of course, she can’t tell it to him that way. He will feel upset, and mostly, he will get hurt. And she doesn’t want that to happen.

Now is the time for them to say goodbye to these hurtful days, not repeat it.

“Will you accept it whatever it’s about?” She asks.

Yesung was about to say something when someone greets him.

“Captain Cho, long time no see. We don’t see you often these days. We thought you quit” an old man said.

Yesung laughs. “No way I would quit” he said. “I was just having some day off. You know, I need to finish some mess”

“Who is this beautiful girl?” The old man asks when he notices Ryeowook beside him.

Yesung turns towards Ryeowook. He pulls her waist closer to him. “This is my fiancee, her name is Kim Ryeowook” he said. He turns towards Ryeowook. “Wookie, this is Mr. Han, he’s my senior”

Ryeowook blushes. This is why she can’t tell him the truth. He’s too excited about this whole marriage thing. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Han” she said awkwardly.

“Oh, really?” The old man asks. “Congratulations! Why don’t you tell us earlier?”

“We were having some sort of troubles before” Yesung said. “But we’re fine now”

“Glad to hear that” the old man said. “So maybe we will be looking forward to your wedding invitation this year?”

Yesung blushes as he laughs awkwardly. “Let’s just see” he said shyly.

The old man laughs. “Okay, see you later. I really need to go now” he said. “You see I was having lunch with our colleagues. You’re supposed to join, actually. But that’s fine. See you later” he said before he went back to his seat.

“That was kinda unexpected, right?” Yesung asks. “Now, back to you, what do you wanted to talk about?”

Ryeowook takes a deep breath. She had to talk about this whether she wanted it or not. “It’s… about the marriage” she said. “No, the thing that you promised to give me after Kyuhyun wakes up”

“Oh. That thing” Yesung said as he knows what she meant. “Why?”

“Can it… wait?”

Yesung’s eyebrows furrowed. “Wait?”

“Can we push it down a bit? Maybe… next year?”

“Why?”

“I’m not ready” Ryeowook said. “I’m just… not ready”

Yesung sighs. He holds her hands. “Then… when will you be ready?”

“I don’t know” Ryeowook said.

“And how long will you keep me waiting?” Yesung asks.

“It’s not going to get that long” Ryeowook said. “Please”

“Ryeowook-ie, we all know I’m not that young anymore” Yesung said. “You need to give me a clear time”

“But the problem is I don’t know”

“Fine. Why are you not ready?” Yesung asks.

“It’s… I’m just…” Ryeowook stammered. She closes her eyes tightly. “I’m afraid that the same thing will happen”

There’s a moment of silent. “You don’t trust me?”

“I trust you. It’s just that…”

“Then explain to me!” Yesung said, raising his voice without himself noticing. “You said you love me. You said you trust me. But why can’t you let me proof it?”

“You think my heart is a place where you could test what you did wrong or right?” Ryeowook asks. “I love you.  I believe you. But do you think that’s enough? You think there won’t be a probability that you will left me again for your brother’s wife?”

There’s a moment of silent after she said that. Ryeowook knows, she raised her voice. She knows everyone could hear her. Including Yesung’s colleagues. They are all staring at him in shock right now. Maybe except for Tae Hee. She still can’t notice the sudden silence between them.

Yesung sighs. “So that’s the problem” he said. His voice was unexpectedly clear, as if he’s not feeling anything.

Ryeowook looks around the place. Everyone was staring at them. Some of them even stares at Yesung judgingly. Even Yesung’s colleagues.

She messed up. She even messed up with his career. She messed up with his life.

“I… I…” she stammered. This is too confusing. She can’t stay here any longer. The unexpectedly calm Yesung. The public that judges him. “I’m sorry” she said before she ran away.

While Yesung just stares down at the floor. There’s no point of chasing her. He messed up. He really did.

So he deserved this.

“Papa” Tae Hee called.

Yesung looks at her. He fakes a smile. “why? Finished playing?”

“Why did Mama Wookie left?” Tae Hee asks. “She seems like she’s going to cry”

“She needs some time away” Yesung said. He hugs her. “Away from me”

“Did you fought?”

Yesung shook his head. “We didn’t” he said. “I messed up”

Yes. He messed up.

This is nothing compared to the mess he created.

~~~***~~~

 

Leeteuk was checking her appearance for the nth time today. She needs to look good in front of Yesung’s new parents. She needs to look good so that they will trust her to meet with him.

“Umma, you already looks beautiful” Jongjin said as he laughs.

“But I’m nervous” Leeteuk said. She checks her watch. “That person is supposed to be here now. Where are them?”

Jongjin was about to say something when someone coughs. “Yesung’s mother?”

Leeteuk jumped on her seat. She stood up awkwardly. She can feel Jongjin pats her shoulder. “Fighting” he whispered. “I need to go now” he said before he left.

Leeteuk takes a deep breath before turning around. She was about to say something, but failed when she recognizes that person’s face. “Chullie?” She asks when she notices.

Heechul stares at her with wide eyes opened. “Teukie?”

Unexpected things are starting to happen.

 

To be continued…

AT LEAST I DO MANAGE TO UPDATE BEFORE THE END OF THIS MONTH, RIGHT? IT WAS FASTER THAN EXPECTED, RIGHT? XD I WAS GOING TO UPDATE LAST WEEK BUT I JUST FINISHED MY MID TERM TEST XD HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER <3