I plaster a fake grin on my face as I get out of the van and head to film our stage at Music Bank. I wave to fellow artists, bowing to our sunbaes and the like as we make our way to get changed. I do so quickly and wait with Iseul as the other change. The pair of us joking around in front of the cameras that are filming us as we wait. Iseul and I answer questions that have been submitted by fans. We do what we have always done, what is normal for us. I play my idol part.

“Do you guys have any rules among yourselves about dating?” Iseul reads off, I hear her hesitate when she gets to the word dating. She glances to me as Jinri joins us. “Any rules about dating we have for each other as a group?” She say to the new comer.

I pout not particularly interested in this question, “Not really, I mean we’re all so stubborn when it comes to stuff like that. But I guess it’s more just being aware of the schedule and not letting the relationship take priority over everything.” Jinri says neutrally. “I mean it helps a lot that our company doesn’t have really strict dating rules in place anyways.” She says shrugging her shoulders.

“Basically, I mean we only have curfew during promotions.” I add on while shrugging.

A writer hands Jinri another card, which she reads off. “Do you guys have any bad dating habits?”

I internally curse the writers today and the questions that we’re getting, I glance to Iseul urging her to take this one. “Yoora and Sooyoung skip meals with us when they’re seeing someone, they go out to eat or have meals with them instead.” She says smirking.

“Dayoung isn’t as forthcoming, but usually because Junhyung-Oppa has no chill when it comes to Dayoungie dating.” Jinri says smirking.

I nod my head agreeing to this. “Jinri steals clothes when she goes on dates, she always ends up wearing someone else’s clothes.”

“Iseul stays up late texting.” Jinri and I say together when Iseul laughs.

I turn to the camera and give a candid grin. “And this is how we still throw each other under the bus with no regrets.” I joke as I wink at the camera.

Yoora and Sooyoung eventually join us answering questions until it’s our turn to record our stage. The entire morning and most of the afternoon goes on like this. I put on a façade for the sake of the fans and smile, I play the part. I pretend to be the bubbly and upbeat as I usually am. If I’m being honest, I hate that I can put this façade up so well. But I put up with it and ignore the worried glance the girls and Ian all give me whenever they get the chance.

It isn’t until we’re in the car on our way back to the dorm that I drop the act and slump down into my seat. The car is silent, a bit on edge as we get closer and closer to home.

“What sounds good for dinner?” Ian prompts as we stop at a red light.

The girls glance around and it’s Sooyoung that answers. “Anything that’s fast. I just want to rest.” She says after yawning.

“That sounds like a plan.” Jinri adds on rather quietly, I glance to see that she almost seems to be dazing off. “We should just get a pizza.”

“Pizza sounds like the best thing possible right now.” Yoora says delightfully, “We haven’t had pizza in ages.”

“We had it last week.” Iseul says factually as she rests her head on my shoulder. “Oh, no, that was just Jinri and me.” She says in a sort of cheeky way.

“Jinri always has pizza.” Yoora complains. “Sooyoung, why don’t we have it more often?”

Sooyoung though is looking at me worriedly. “You haven’t said a word.”

I just sigh. I glance out the window, we’re passing lots of buildings, lots of people, and lots of things. “Pizza sounds good.” I say finally. “No pineapple.” I glance to my phone as it goes off, alerting me to a text message. Junhyung, it is from my brother. Swiping my phone I read the message and simply reply with an okay. It’s about how Ilhoon can’t make it to our writing session tomorrow. “I’m so ready to just sleep.”

“I can hear our beds calling us.” Yoora says snuggling into her seat trying to get comfortable. “Honestly, I’ll be happy to take that vacation we’re getting after this promotion.”

“Right, sleeping in sounds like a dream.” Iseul says agreeing wholeheartedly. She pauses and glances to me. “Wait, you’re working over the break.” She says to me.

I know my head and let out a sigh. “Yup, but not the entire time.” I say feeling rather relieved by this thought. “Sooyoung is still working too.” I point out as she shuffles around some papers. “She’ll be filming a drama.”

“Ugh, you two are workaholics.” Jinri says in joking manner.

Iseul frowns at her. “You have school.”

“Please, don’t remind me. I want to kind of relax.” Jinri says airily as she turns away from Iseul.

I listen to the two banter, their little fighting putting me at ease. “You guys are always too wound up.” Ian says as we finally pull into the parking garage. “I’ll see you girls tomorrow, behave.” He says as usual.

“Right, right.” We chorus as we get out, heading up to our dorm.

Once in I slip out of my jeans and pull on a pair of shorts, lying in bed I let out a heavy sigh. “Sooyoung-Unnie is calling for a pizza.” Iseul says coming in. “Tomorrow what’s your schedule?” She asks getting in next to me and holding my hand.

I squeeze it as I close my eyes, I don’t want to think about tomorrow, I don’t want to keep doing this right now. “After our group filming I go to Cube, Junhyung and I are writing together. Ilhoon will possibly join, depends on how long his filming at that show he hosts lasts.” I whisper feeling that same crushing feeling coming back. I’ve managed to hold it all in today, and I quickly remember I’ll have to this over and over again. I have to play that cheerful Dayoung whenever I go out.

“Unnie, I’m sorry about you and Jongsuk.” She whispers very tenderly. Iseul pauses as she holds my hand tighter. “I know you’re sad, I just wish I could do something to help.”

“You are, you all are.” I whisper very quietly. “Thank you for always being there for me.” I say as I curl my body around Iseul’s. “I love you.”

“I love you too Unnie.” My friend says very softly.

I simply eat my pizza and then take a long soothing bath and then head to bed. I try not to think about how tomorrow had been mine and Jongsuk’s usual lunch date day. I try not to think about how I can’t just call him just because, that I can’t surprise him with little gifts, that I can’t cuddle into him, that I can’t hug him, or talk to him, I can’t see Jongsuk anymore, not without upsetting him. Not without hurting him, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have.

Is it still giving up if you’re not sure what to do? Is it still giving up if you give them space? Is this what giving up feels like? Because it , it hurts, it’s lonely, and most of all it’s still really hard.

I get through my morning schedule and even through writing lyrics with Junhyung. It isn’t until we’re breaking for lunch that I finally drop it. This though isn’t intentional. I wanted to wait until I was in the safety of the dorm to do this, however, life tends not to care about the setting.

“Don’t you have your usual lunch date?” Junhyung questions as I follow him to the cafeteria. “It’s lunch date day.” Junhyung says with a puzzled look.

I glance around the empty halls and find myself unable to hold it in now that Junhyung is asking. “We broke up a couple days ago, so no.” I answer honestly and finally frowning. I relish in the idea that I can finally embrace being upset. “Oppa, it was my fault.” I say reaching out and grabbing his arm.

Junhyung looks at me shocked as he pulls me into a hug. “Why don’t you ever say anything?” He mutters holding me tightly. I can’t hold it in like I have all day when Junhyung is around. By the time he’s managed to calm me down I realize we’re no longer in the hallway, we’re in a break room. Junhyung is holding me still. “What happened?”

“We’ve been fighting.” I say, my voice raw from crying. “Oppa, it’s because I ran away, it’s because I talked to Ilhoon, I couldn’t just stay, I had to run and I ruined it.” I say on the verge of tears again. “He asked me to marry him, but it just wasn’t right. I thought I would want to, but it was like he was asking me to trap me and I just couldn’t do that.” I say as more tears fall down my face.

Junhyung gives me this sad look as he wipes my eyes. “I’m sorry Dayoungie.” My brother says sympathetically. Junhyung holds my face in his hand and smiles at me sadly. “I really wish I could make it not hurt.” He says sadly.

I shake my head and take a deep breath trying to calm down. “Oppa, I told you before.” I whisper, closing my eyes for a moment as I try to calm down. “You can’t protect me from everything.” Those words drag me back to when I first started seeing Jongsuk, back when everything was new and I was excited. Everything is a mess now.

Junhyung frowns at me and shakes his head. “Why are you so insistent on being strong?” Junhyung asks me seriously. “And I told you before, it’s okay not to always be strong, it’s okay to break, and get scraped, but it’s like you’re so set on always being okay and that really isn’t okay.”

“It’s not me being strong, not on my own. Oppa I did break. I fell apart after Ilhoon, I’ve fallen apart again now.” I say looking down at my hands, I’ve started to fiddle with them. “I’m not okay, not right now. I have a lot of regrets and I wish more than anything I’d done things differently. It is my fault that I messed up what I had.” Looking back up at Junhyung I start crying again. “He didn’t stay because of me.”

“It isn’t.” He whispers while shaking his head. “Dayoungie…” He mutters pulling me into a hug.

I’m fairly certain that Junhyung is saying that because I’m his little sister, but the words aren’t comforting. They hurt. I can’t tell if it’s because everything hurts, or if it’s the words that are making the impact on me. “I’m tired.” I say finally.

Junhyung leads me to the couch, I rest my head on his lap and wonder how I’ll get through this one. I wonder how people do this. The songs about heartbreak really aren’t a joke.

“Hyung,” Ilhoon says entering the room a little while later. “I brought you guys something to eat. And Doojoon is looking for you, it seemed important.” Ilhoon says. I have my eyes closed, but I’m surprised by how comforting Ilhoon’s voice is. Will it always be like this? Will I always find him comforting?

“Can you stay with her?” Junhyung mutters a little while later. “I’ll be back soon.” Junhyung very gently picks my head up then sets it on a pillow. They exchanged hushed whispers before I hear the door open and then close again.

“Should I be nice and pretend that I don’t know you’re not sleeping, or call you out? Though I guess I just called you out on it.” Ilhoon says. I open my eyes and watch him. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out.” I wonder if Junhyung told him or if he just knows. Ilhoon always seemed to just know. It’d always been like that.

“Me too.” I mumble as I sit up. “I’m getting comfortable around you again.” I whisper feeling at ease. While I am still terribly upset, I feel like my head isn’t trying to convince myself that everything is done. “You keep showing up randomly.” I mumble looking over at him and taking a deep breath.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Ilhoon says while looking slightly uncomfortable. “I overheard Jinri and Iseul talking the other day.” I frown, not following his subject change. “They were kinda upset with me, they were angry about something I’d said to you a long time ago. About me wanting to stop your wedding.”

I nod my head and smile, though it is slightly bitter and feels awful. “It was the first time I really thought about you in months, it’d been like a year actually.” I explain sadly. “Isn’t it kind of awful? Because it was like all at once you came back. We used to talk all the time, I saw you all the time and then suddenly nothing. All gone.” I say sighing heavily. “I mean it’s like we don’t know how to talk to each other anymore not really at least, not like before. It’s like we’re these strangers that just happen to know all these things about each other.”

“The first time we talked was when you brought Jongsuk in. I bumped into you on purpose. I missed your voice.” Ilhoon confesses candidly. He sighs though and gives me this sad smile. “Dayoung I thought you guys fixed things.” He says softly. “Everything seemed to be okay whenever I saw you guys together.”

I chuckle, the sound bitter and hallow as I start crying again. Wiping the tears away I sigh. “We’ve been fighting a lot lately, things just became this huge mess and it’s because I walked out when he said he loved me. When he said he wanted to get married.” I say while nodding my head, I glance to him and sigh. “Jongsuk knew when I went back to see him after we talked, he knew it was you who gave me all that insight and later he just couldn’t trust me.”

“I’m sorry.”

I nod my head. “Me too.” I say very softly. I feel lost, broken, sad, but put together all at the same time. All these conflicting emotions colliding and pulling apart. “How did you make everything look so okay?” I ask him softly.

Ilhoon sighs as he takes a seat on the couch opposite of me. “A lot of faking it, especially when I was here.” Ilhoon says softly. “Everyone took your side, not that I don’t understand why. But for a while it was hard coming in and seeing the looks all our friends would give us.”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper. “You’ve been spending more time with Junhyung these last few months.” I say softly as I eye Ilhoon carefully. He gives me this confused look. “You still use the cologne I bought you.” I say carefully. “Junhyung sort of smells like it sometimes.” I explain.

“It’s my favorite.” Ilhoon says with a small smile. This is quickly dropped as he frowns. “You should try talking to Jongsuk again. If you really want to be with him, keep trying.”

“You’re really always going to put me first?” I ask Ilhoon quietly looking over at him, Ilhoon just nods his head. I stand up and walk past him, “Ilhoon, I meant what I told you before. I want you to be happy too. You deserve it.” I say before leaving the room.

I leave Cube, sending a text to Junhyung about wanting to get some air. I don’t go to see Jongsuk, I don’t call him, I know that he wants his space, I know that Jongsuk doesn’t need me begging for us to stay together. And I wonder again, if this is what giving up feels like. I wonder if beginnings and ends always have to happen. Do endings always have to be this awful? Are they always this awful? 

Kay so Dayoung and Ilhoon interaction~!
Some sadish stuff.
Anyways, Some Dayhoon stuff to come my ducks!