“So tell me again what happened.” Jinri says frowning. “Because it sounds like it was a really sweet gesture and that things had gone really well.”

I glance to Iseul and Jinri. “It was after the dinner, I stayed the night with him.” I say as I sigh. “I woke up the next morning, and rolled over and we talked. Jongsuk after watching me with a smile on his face said he loved me.” I say reciting the events to them. “I said it back, but I mean I left like right after I said it to him. I actually started to panic and left him there alone just sitting in bed stunned.”

“So after the amazing dinner he set up, you guys slept together, and the next morning he says that he loves you and you just leave him in bed?” Iseul asks confused. “Because you’re not in the same place?”

I shake my head. “He started talking about how it’d be nice to get married and I just I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see us married, I couldn’t just stay there and the only thing I could think about is how Ilhoon said he’d stop my wedding.” I say feeling as though I’m freaking out. I might be, I did end up going change my hair completely, I disappeared for a day, well not that anyone knows that, as far as anyone is concerned I’ve been with Jongsuk for the last two days.

“Wait, what?” Jinri and Iseul both yell. “Ilhoon said what?” They both share shocked and similarly angry expressions.

I sigh realizing they wouldn’t know. And even still, I’m sure this wouldn’t stand true anymore. “Look for the first time in months I thought about Ilhoon, and about the how he’d told me when we were filming the music video for Something Blue. He’d stop my wedding and it still makes me happy.” I say feeling extremely frustrated by all this.

Iseul and Jinri are both silent for a moment. “Dayoung, that was years ago.” Jinri says as she reaches across the table to me. She gives me this sad look, the kind that they gave me when I came back from Ilhoon and I breaking up.

“I know, I know that.” I say as I run my hands through my hair. “I thought I loved Jongsuk and could see that life, but I couldn’t. I thought I was really happy. But as soon as he said that and everything I couldn’t breathe. I could only think about how I had to get out of there, that it wasn’t quite right.” I say while shaking my head. “That I wasn’t so sure.”

Iseul smiles at me. “It is alright then. I mean maybe this is for the best. And you’re kind of flipping out over it. You’re thinking it through, it’s okay, just you know, give him a call or something.”

I nod my head and lean back in my chair. Since I thought about Ilhoon a couple days ago all I can think about is how we’d been together. I wonder about him, we haven’t talked for over a year now. It’s in this moment that I realize something about Ilhoon and me. I realize why I’d been so upset when we’d broken up. My first love came to end. It’s something I never really wanted to think too much about.

It was the hardest part about after Ilhoon was just accepting that there weren’t any second chances with us. That I found out first loves really don’t always work out first hand. But that’s who and what Ilhoon will always be. I’ll cherish those years we had and I’m endlessly thankful for that time. I experienced something so wonderful and I shared it with someone who cared about me just as much as I cared about them. It was perfect until the end. Not a thing I would change. My first love was everything I could have ever hoped for. The words Sooyoung told me before held to be true. Things turned out ok. I focused on my career and went out socially with my friends, went on dates and brief relationships and generally enjoyed life again after Ilhoon. But now I feel like I’m not in that after Ilhoon spot, I feel like I’m broke up about him all over again.

“I’m gonna go to Cube.” I say standing up. “I’ll give you guys a call if I’m gonna stay with Junhyung or not or something.” I say as I roll my shoulders. I pick up my dance clothes from my shared room and then grab my phone, wallet, and keys.

The drive is quite. My head is mess still. It suddenly feels like I miss Ilhoon again, I feel upset about him all over again and it doesn’t make any sense to me. I’ve had a year to get past this. I felt like I’d been past it for months now, I hadn’t even thought about him, I mean I stopped being aware of him.

At Cube I change in the bathroom and then head towards Prodigy’s practice room. I plug my phone into the stereo and put on a random playlist. Stretching I try not to think about anything. I’m tired of all this thinking. For the last couple days all I’ve done is think about my choices.

I stop dancing as I listen to the song that’s playing. I’ve gone through this playlist a couple times now, I quickly realize what playlist it is. It’s been comforting to me and I couldn’t think of why it would be, not until now. “You still have this playlist?” I hear a voice say, jumping I turn around and see Ilhoon watching me, a worried look on his face. “I’m surprised, this is one of the few I made for you.”

“Yeah.” I say slowly. I take a deep breath trying to catch my mind up to where I am. All I can think about is why? Why today? Why now, why Ilhoon?

Ilhoon walks over and turns the music off. “You have that deer caught in the middle of the road look on your face.” Ilhoon says gently as he sets my phone down and walks over to the door. “Are you okay? You look really upset.”

I’m not too sure where all this is coming from but I realize I’ve started crying. “I hated you.” I say quietly. “I was so angry with you.” I say frowning. “How can you just come back into my life like this when I’m fighting with everything trying to figure it all out? How can you just look at me like that and make it feel like I’m right back at square one? How can you just read me like nothing had happened?”

Ilhoon sighs, he bites his cheek nervously. “Dayoung, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head as I wipe my tears away. Picking up my bag up I pull out the sweats and put them on, pull my jacket on, I gather up my things and walk past Ilhoon. I glance at him and see him watching me. “I don’t hate you anymore, I’m just really angry right now. Sorry. I shouldn’t take it out on you.” I apologize. “Bye Ilhoon.” I say as I head off down the hall.

I barely hear him say, “Bye Dayoung.”

I drive to Junhyung’s place, letting myself in I take a shower and change into clothes that I keep here. I glance around and realize something. I look around frowning more and more when I can’t find what I’m looking for. Heading to Junhyung’s closest I feel even more upset when I don’t immediately see Doki.

“Dayoung?” Junhyung says surprised when he sees me looking through his closet. “What are you doing, I thought you were a burglar? I thought you said you’d stop raiding my closet. And when did you get your hair done? Weren’t you brunette at dinner a couple days ago?” He teases. “Dayoung?” This time my name is said with an apprehensive tone. He’s picking up on my mood.

“Where is Doki?” I ask frowning. “Where is he?” I ask as I look around still. Junhyung was keeping him in the closet for me, until I could decide what I wanted to do with the stuffed bunny. But he’s not here now.

Junhyung walks over to me and stops me from looking, making me face him he watches me. “Dayoung, what’s wrong?”

“Where is Doki?” I repeat. I don’t want to answer these questions. I don’t want to explain anything, I don’t want to think. I don’t want to go through this right now. I don’t want to feel like this again. I don’t want to make Jongsuk hurt either. I don’t want to be flipping out over him loving me. Not when just a couple days ago I thinking I loved him too and it’d be a really great thing to tell him.

Junhyung frowns, but he does answer me. “I gave him back to Ilhoon a couple weeks ago.” Junhyung confesses. “Dayoung, what happened?”

“I may have broken up with Jongsuk. I don’t really know. All I know is I messed up and I don’t know what to do.” I say falling to the ground. “You gave him back to Ilhoon?” I question trying to keep my mind off of everything.

Junhyung helps me up and has me sit on his bed. “Yeah, I gave him back because I didn’t want to give him back to you. I thought it might upset you or that you wouldn’t want him back. But enough about the stuffed animal. You broke up with Jongsuk? What happened? I thought things were going well.”

I frown. I miss Doki. I feel like I’ve fallen back. I shake my head to snap myself out of it. “He told me he loved me.” I say as I look down at my lap. “I couldn’t just hear him say it without feeling anxious and really terrified of what it would mean for us, I felt like I was suddenly trapped and I mean we’ve talked about getting married and joked about it, but when he brought it up again I just couldn’t see it. I just left him. I couldn’t see me get married to him. But I could at the same time.” I whisper as I fall back onto his bed. “I just want to sleep. Can you text Jinri and Iseul for me.” I mutter as I get under the covers.

“Yeah…” Junhyung mutters. I don’t pay attention to anything else. I just fall asleep.

~~~

When I wake up it’s very dark, I glance over to see Junhyung asleep on the other side of the bed. Slipping out I walk out of the apartment and to my car. I drive and head towards Cube again. Once there I lie on a couch in a break room. I think about the last two days.

After I left Jongsuk alone after his confession I drove to see my parents. I then spent the rest of the day sitting in a salon getting my hair done, I bleached it so now I’m very blonde. I then spent the night in my car hiding from everything and everyone, not ready to see anyone or to talk about anything. By the afternoon the next day I’d gone back to the dorm.

I glance to my phone when it goes off, Jongsuk. I let it go to voicemail. I don’t know what I could say to him right now. How do I explain I’m just really scared? Would he understand? Even when I don’t quite get it?

“Dayoung?” Peniel says surprised. “You’re blonde?”

Looking up from the couch I see Ilhoon with him. “Yup, I got it done yesterday.” I say lying back down on the couch. “What are you guys doing here so late?” I ask ignoring the fact that I am somehow angry with Ilhoon again.

“Practice, what about you?” Ilhoon answers, then asks. It’s his nervous voice. I’m making him nervous again, then again I did snap at him this afternoon and declared that I hated him. I did say I didn’t hate, not that my attitude would show that.

I let out a sigh. Sitting up I glare at him, for the first time in a while he flinches when I do so. Ilhoon claimed it never bothered him, but I guess, all with good time. And I it helps that I am genuinely upset with Ilhoon right now. “I’m trying to escape. I’m trying to think and you keep popping up.” I say annoyed. “And I don’t even know why it bugs me at this point. You make me angry all over again Ilhoon.”

“Okay, so I’ll see you back at the dorm.” Peniel says leaving Ilhoon and I alone. “I hope you sort everything out Dayoung.”

Ilhoon glances to the door that Peniel just walked out of. “What happened?” He asks carefully as he walks into the room, Ilhoon takes a seat on a chair, fairly far from where I am.

I sigh, looking away from him. “I’m angry.” I say fighting from crying, I don’t want to cry. I don’t want Ilhoon to be the one to comfort me, he’s supposed to like a stranger again, but to be honest he’s never really been one to me. “I’m mad at myself.” I say finally. I hear my stomach growl in protest. I’ve sort of missed meals since I ran away from everything.

“Have you eaten today?” Ilhoon asks after a moment. I don’t say anything and I hear him let out a very agitated groan. “Dayoung, you do this every time something really upsets you. Do you have any idea how worrying that habit is?! When was the last time you ate?”

“You don’t get to lecture me on anything like that.” I say looking up and glaring at him again. “Ilhoon you gave me some excuse and then just left me. You didn’t say anything after that.” I say furious. “Then when someone else says they love me and that they can see me marrying them all I can think about is how you told me you’d stop my wedding!” I say standing up. “Damnit.” I say wiping my tears away. I hate it. I’m crying in front of him again.

“Jongsuk proposed to you?” Ilhoon says sounding not at all annoyed by my eating habits suddenly. He sounds distressed and like I’d done some horrible thing. Ilhoon sounds upset and honestly I really wish I didn’t care that he sounds upset. I really wish Ilhoon and I didn’t have to do this, that we could be okay.

I let out a sigh and face him again. “Yes, but no.” I say watching him carefully. “I’m just going to head back to my dorm, see you around Ilhoon.” I mutter gathering up my things and madly trying to stop crying. I really don’t want to get into this, I don’t want to dive back into my apparent feelings for Ilhoon or whatever this nonsense is. This sort of nostalgic feeling, it feels suffocating and like it is draining all my energy from me.

“Let me drive you, you’re still crying.” Ilhoon says stopping me.  His hand wrapping around my wrist. “Dayoung, you’re upset and the weather is getting pretty bad.”

I glance back at Ilhoon and see the look on his face. He’s sad and worried. I stare at Ilhoon and take in all the changes that have happened since we stopped being friends or anything at all to each other. “I want to hide.” I whisper hearing my phone go off again. I glance down to see it’s Junhyung this time.

“After you eat.” Ilhoon compromises.

I watch him, his hand loosening around my wrist. “I’ll hide and then you could bring me food.”

Ilhoon sighs and nods his head. “I’ll find you.” And somehow those words are the most comforting ones I’ve heard in months. And while this thought scares me and upsets me, it calms me down and backs me away from the edge I’ve come to.

So as Ilhoon heads to get my food I search for a place to hide, a place so I don’t have to explain anything. I find myself hiding in one of mine and Ilhoon’s old spots. To be specific, the room where Ilhoon and I kissed for the first time. It’d been winter back then too. We’d been just friends, I hadn’t realized what I felt for Ilhoon just yet and I’m again struck with the thoughts of how I miss him. I miss Ilhoon or perhaps I just miss what we had been. I can’t tell the difference between the two anymore.

I text Junhyung back as he’s been texting me non-stop since I didn’t answer his call. I tell him I’m safe and not driving, just hiding for a little bit.

I listen to the messages from the phone calls I hadn’t answered.

“Dayoungie, call me back. Where are you?!” Junhyung’s short and worried message. There are three just like this one, all within ten minutes and several more texts that bombard my phone.

“Hey Dayoung, can we talk about this. I mean more than what was said before. What did I say that upset you? I just want to talk about it. Please give me a call back. At least let me know you’re ok. Dayoung, call me.” A message from a very sad Jongsuk. “Or even just a text, I want to know you’re safe. You left really upset, please Dayoungie, I mean Dayoung...” I send him a text letting him know I’m alright and we can talk soon.

I turn my phone off after I send the text. I rest against the wall I consider everything. I could go back and patch things up with Jongsuk, I know I’ll need to talk to him again, but I’m fairly certain that we will not be dating anymore. This thought hurts, it is very painful and I feel regret filling my body. I ran away from what? Jongsuk loves me and I’m very certain I don’t want to break up. But how do I sort any of this out? How do I go back and explain my very strange behavior?

“Dayoungie, are you in here?” I hear Ilhoon call. “You turned your phone off.”

“In the back.” I reply simply as I wait for him to find me. Ilhoon gives me this slightly annoyed look. “You found me.” Another wave of comfort washes over me.

Ilhoon nods his head, handing me a sandwich and a bottle of water. “It used to be my specialty. I couldn’t stand letting Kikwang or anyone else finding you first.” Ilhoon replies softly. “Sorry, we don’t have to talk about that.”

“Thank you for the food.” I whisper opening the packaging. Ilhoon and I don’t say anything while I eat. He doesn’t leave me alone either. Ilhoon simply waits for me to finish. “How have you been?” I ask after I’ve finished eating and when Ilhoon doesn’t say anything.

Ilhoon sighs and rests his head against the wall next to me. “I’ve been alright, just busy.” He answers vaguely. “Junhyung must be worried about you.”

“I texted him saying I was just hiding.” I say quietly.

Ilhoon glances to me and frowns. “Are you picking things like this on purpose?” I give him a confused look and Ilhoon holds his arms up to the room. “Dayoung you’re hiding here of all places.”

“I didn’t even think about it until I got in here.” I answer quietly. I let out a sigh as I glance at him. “I’m really scared of moving on from you.” I say voicing this silent fear I’ve had for a year, the days I came into Cube to dance or write to fight off from saying something about this. “If I move on and fall in love again it means we weren’t lasting.”

Ilhoon sighs and squeezes my hand. “It doesn’t mean it wasn’t important or special.” Ilhoon says as he lets go of my hand. “It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or that I stopped.”

I glance to Ilhoon and really look at him. My mind starts making connections and I really wish it wouldn’t. “If you never stopped why you’d break up with me? Why did you want to stop?” I ask frowning confused. Ilhoon looks pained by my questions. I stand up and watch him, everything seemingly coming full circle with this confession. “Please tell me it’s not because you weren’t ready for whatever comes after being in love. Please tell me it’s not because you got cold feet about us dating.” I say becoming very frustrated. “Because I was very happy with where we were and what we were, I didn’t need anything else, I didn’t have to have anything else.” I say turning to face Ilhoon. His silence confirms these thoughts. “I hope you’re happy now.” I whisper letting go. I refuse to miss him, I refuse to hate him, I refuse to let myself fall back into Ilhoon, I will not be washed away, and I won’t throw away what I have. “Thank you for sitting with me and making me eat, thank you for everything Ilhoon and really, I hope you’re happy.” I say calmly as I walk away from him. I mean it too. I want Ilhoon to be happy, I want him to find whatever it is in life that makes him glad he’s alive and in the world, he deserves to be happy just as much as I do. I don’t want to hold him back and I don’t want him to hold me back.

It happens very quickly, I hear him standing up and walking towards me, I feel Ilhoon’s hand wrapping around mine and tugging me towards him, and then turning me around. As I’m dazed Ilhoon hugs me tightly, holding me against him. For a moment I think he’ll kiss me or try to stop me, but Ilhoon lets me go after a moment. And I swear as he leaves me alone in the little storage room I thought I heard him say. “I’ll always love you and I’ll always put you first.”

I have some cliches, but it's okay.  
I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think!!