I stand slightly stunned. The words Ilhoon may or may not have said made me realize, I’m scared just like he had been, and I really don’t want to regret anything, I don’t want to look back and wish I stayed. I want to stay and if one of us do end up leaving, I want to enjoy what I have with Jongsuk as long as possible. So instead of driving back to Junhyung’s or even the dorm I drive to Jongsuk’s. I ring his doorbell, completely aware of how late it is. I decide not to use the passcode that he’d given me months ago. I rather him let me in if he wants to talk, because I’m pretty sure he has every right to be upset or even angry with me. I’ve left him alone for almost three days without really saying one word to him.

I wait a moment as I ring the doorbell again, I’m not sure if he’s up and checking to see who it is or if he’s sleeping, perhaps he’s not even home. I wait a while just standing outside his door at three thirty in the morning. I do however wait again after my third ring.

I watch as the door finally opens. Jongsuk stands there and stares at me. “Were you going to wait much longer? It’s been twenty minutes. Why didn’t you just let yourself in?” He questions frowning.

“I’m pretty sure I was going to wait until you’d let me in or tell me to leave.” I say quietly and softly as I look up at him. “I want to talk.”

“At four in the morning?” He asks with a very set frown on his face, he does however let me in. I note that he looks as tired as I feel and probably look. He probably has been a bit upset since I stormed out of the apartment and left two days ago. “I think I got your message. You’re done right? You love me, but you leave?”

I shake my head as I turn around. “No, I got the right message.” I say calmly. “And I understand if you want to break up.” I tell him smoothly. Jongsuk just watches me quietly from where he is standing, he looks a bit stunned. “I got really scared when you told me you love me and started talking about the future, about us getting married. I wasn’t really sure what to think, I shut down and tried backing away.” I say replaying the instance in my head. “I am in love with you. I do, I love you and I don’t want to break up because I got cold feet. I’m happy when I’m with you and you’re wonderful, and so patient with me and you understand, you make me grow. Jongsuk, I really want to see where we go, but only if you want to, only if you’re willing to.” I say finally. “I’m sorry I just left and I didn’t give you an explanation and I didn’t say anything to you. I just, I didn’t know how to tell you I was scared. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

I watch as he just stares at me, an expressionless look on his face. He turns away from me and lets out a long breath. Turning to face me he has a sad and concerned look. “What was the right message you got? What made you come back here Dayoung? What changed your mind?”

“I don’t want to regret things, I don’t want to look back and wish I stayed and found out what would have happened between us.” I say carefully. “I want to live it, I want to go through it with you, and I want to be here with you.”

Jongsuk gets this wretched look on his face, one that looks like he knows where I got this epiphany from. “You talked to Ilhoon, he regrets letting you go…” He says very perceptively. “I’m not a second choice for you Dayoung, I’m not someone that you can use to really get over him, and I refuse to be a stepping stone in your happiness.” I nod my head, I’d thought he might reject me and might want to end things. That he wouldn’t want to stick around with me being so wishy-washy. “Tell me now if I am because I don’t want to find out later.” He says walking towards me and engulfing me in a hug. “I want you to be mine, I love you. And I’ll wait for you to feel the same, we don’t have to be at quite the same place. I know I jumped the gun with talking about marriage and kids.”

I wrap my arms around Jongsuk and hug him tightly. Shaking my head and even crying. “You mean so much to me.” After a few moments of us just hugging I pull away just enough so I can kiss his chest. “I’m really sorry I put you though all this.” I whisper.

“You’re staying,” He says in a very relieved sort of way. “That’s all that matters. I’m not losing you.” I smile up at him and get on my tippy toes. After a moment of us kissing he pulls away, picking me up. “You’re too short.” The smile on Jongsuk’s face eases me, this was the right thing to do, this is right. I’m happy here and he’s the only person on my mind.

“You’re too tall.” I counter smiling at him as I wrap my arms around him. I’m carried to bed and snuggled into his chest. “I’m tired.” I whisper as he holds me tightly in his arms.

“Then sleep.”

“Not in this shirt, it’s not a sleeping shirt.” I complain as I pull away. “Let me borrow a shirt.” I say as I sit straddling my very happy and tired looking boyfriend.

Jongsuk sighs. “You could just sleep without a shirt.” He says with a smirk. “Ah, I’m joking, no need to blush that much.” He teases, lifting me up just enough Jongsuk takes off his current shirt and gives it to me.

Standing and taking my pants off I sit on the bed next to Jongsuk, I change into his shirt then cuddle into him. “Oppa, you’re smiling.” I say contently with his arms holding me.

“Well I kinda thought you weren’t ever going to come back.” Jongsuk admits. “I’m really happy you’re here.”

“Me too.” I whisper yawning. “Let’s sleep.” I mumble as I relax completely in his arms. I can’t stay awake long enough to hear what he says, but I’m completely aware and happy that I’m being held.

~~~

There are always consequences for the choices that we make. Always. They can be positive or negative. The choices that we make have a ripple effect. When I ran out on Jongsuk it made him suspicious and insecure about us. I admit and take complete responsibility for that. I am completely aware that the whole reason Jongsuk and I fight when we do it is usually because of this. This is the consequence of me hesitating.

“What do you want me to do?! I can’t take back me leaving!” I say rather furious. “I’m sorry that I did. I wish I’d stayed and talked it out with you, I really do.” I say annoyed and completely done with this. “I really do regret it, but Jongsuk you can’t keep bringing it up whenever I have to go or when you worry that I not in love with you.” I say finally blowing up. “Because I promise you I am in love with you.”

Jongsuk furrows his brow at me. “Dayoung, it’s not just that. You go back and forth between being friendly with me and then wanting nothing to do with me.” He says while shaking his head. “It’s like you’re still keeping one foot out the door. I just feel like you’re not committing to me. I mean what would be bad about going public? People already think we’re dating anyways.”

“I’m not saying I don’t want to go public, I’m saying I don’t see why we have to do it now. I don’t see why it is so important to do it right now. I’m in the middle of promoting with Prodigy, and I’m going to be busy with Junhyung and Ilhoon writing for a mini album for us. Jongsuk you’re in the middle of filming a movie, it isn’t exactly the best time for us to be distracted by the press and fans about something that’s not pertinent to our careers.” I say frustrated with the timing aspect. I pause when Jongsuk’s frown deeps. “I am completely committed to you.” I realize what this might be about, this might be about me working and spending real time with Ilhoon for the first time since we stopped dating.

“Are you really?”

The question makes me realize something very important. “Are you ever going to forgive me?” I ask him feeling a very dark and awful sensation welling up. I look down at the ground. “I didn’t cheat on you, I didn’t do anything with Ilhoon when I saw him the night. I promise you, but Jongsuk I can’t keep doing this twenty questions and guilt trip over me talking to him and leaving,” Looking back up at Jongsuk, I frown when I see the angry look on his face. “I feel awful about it, I do. But Jongsuk you’re going to have to stop holding that over me. I made a mistake, and I’ve been trying like crazy to fix it, but if you’re just going pick at it nothing is ever going to make what happened okay.”

“Marry me.” Jongsuk says this completely seriously. I look at him completely shocked feeling rather trapped and not like before, this feels more like an ultimatum. This sounds like, marry me or we break up. “Dayoung will you, will you marry me?”

Closing my eyes I bow my head. “No, not when you’re asking me like this. Jongsuk, it wouldn’t fix anything.” I say opening my eyes and looking up at him. The pained and angry look says it all to me. “It’s not because I can’t commit to you, it’s just you’re backing me into a corner. I love you so much. And I want to marry, I just don’t want it to feel like it’s marry me or nothing.” I say stepping forward trying to touch him to get across to him how much I care for him and want to be with him. “I would marry you, I want to, but not if you’re asking me like this.” I say hating how much this all hurts, hating how everything is happening.

“I can’t do this.” The words fall out of his mouth so easily. “I can’t. I know I’m being unreasonable. I do. But Dayoung I can’t stop questioning you and I know it’s not fair and it doesn’t make sense, but I just can’t do this. I want to breakup, but I want to stay with you.” He takes a deep breath and sits on his bed. “Dayoung, we should break up.” He says in a very drained and tired sort of voice. “I’m sorry.”

I stand completely still watching Jongsuk, processing the words he’s said. I’d like to say I was surprised, but honestly I was expecting this, maybe not for tonight. But with how we’ve been fighting I knew it was coming, I of course was hoping for a different outcome, I want the future Jongsuk saw for us, I want that life. This though does not spare me from the pain or any of the other feelings that are descending upon me. “I’m really sorry Jongsuk.” I whisper closing my eyes. “It’s not the same because of me.” I say hating this.

“I do blame you. I’m bitter and angry that you walked out without even trying to talk to me about it. And I really wish I could just let it go, but I really just can’t Dayoung.” Jongsuk rubs his face roughly before looking at me, frowning. “I love you so much and I want this to work, but it’s the life out of me.”

“I just want a second chance with you.” I whisper realizing I’m crying. “I want to start over, I want to do it all over again, I want to go back and change leaving.” I say trembling. “I hate that I’ve hurt you like this, I hate that I can’t fix it, I hate that there aren’t words to change it. I hate that this is happening.” I say trying to hold myself together because I can’t ask Jongsuk to pull me together when I’ve lost it, not when he’s done, not when he’s hurting and I caused that pain.

“We’re just not right together anymore, not now at least.” Jongsuk says slowly and very quietly. “I want to start over too.” He mumbles. “I wish we could.”

I stand in his room glancing around to my things. Grabbing my bag and seeing as there isn’t anything left to say, I collect my things. Jongsuk just watches me as I gather all them up and set them in my bag. “Bye Jongsuk.” I say as I pull my bag up and glance back to the man sitting on the bed with a sad and defeated look on his face.

“Bye Dayoungie.” He whispers, his voice sounding very weak.

I walk out of his apartment holding myself together all the way until I make it back to the dorm, dropping my bag on the couch and sitting next to it. I let out a very shallow breath and I let go of all my composure.

I start out crying very quietly, just letting my tears fall down my face, but then I feel that familiar suffocating cry. I bend over my legs, coving my mouth with one hand and clutching my stomach with the other. My tears begin to fall faster, I can’t hold in the sobs, and all I know is that this is an awful ache.

I’m aware of the lights being , and while I would usually try to stop, I just don’t have it in me. This pain is demanding to come out and the tears won’t stop.

“Dayoungie, what happened, are you okay?” Ian asks sitting next to me and rubbing my back in soothing circles. I sit back up and attempt to speak, but nothing comes out, just louder sobs. I lean into Ian feeling awful to be doing this so late at night.

Eventually Iseul and Sooyoung come out, both taking Ian’s place, I’m handed a glass of water and my tears are being wiped by my friends, the people who have stood by me through everything. When I’m finally able to speak I take a deep breath realizing we’ve been here in the living room for a couple hours. “I’m sorry.” I whisper feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders.

“It’s okay.” Iseul says tenderly as she holds my hand in hers. “Just whenever you’re ready.” She says very carefully. “We’ll listen.”

I nod my head and glance to Ian and smile at him thankfully. Though this is replaced by a frown and more tears. “Jongsuk and I broke up.” I say feeling lost. I rest my body against Iseul as I close my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. “I’m sad.” I whisper.

Sooyoung rubs my leg. “Let’s get you in bed.” She says gently. “It’ll be more comfortable.” I listen to Sooyoung because I know she has to worry about our schedules tomorrow and getting us all through them and making sure they go well, Ian too. Despite this heart break life is still going on and happening. We’re in the middle of promotions this time and I don’t have the luxury of being able to wallow in this loss.

This is indeed a Ilhoon fic.
I know that I've skipped around a lot,
and I'm going to a couple more times, but I swear not too much more.
Enjoy my ducks~!