It hurts. Physically and mentally I’m in pain and it is awful. I want to be done with this, but that just means fixing things with Ilhoon. While at the same time I hate him and never want to see him again, I miss him and desperately want to be with him. I’ve never known this kind of pain from loving someone and how conflicting the emotions can drain you. I hadn’t realized what it would actually mean for Ilhoon and me to break up. That at work I’d still see him and I would have to hold it all together, when we still do shows I’d have to act like nothing had changed, that I’d have to pretend to be ok. The only good thing about this is Ilhoon and I never went public and everyone just thinks we’re best friends.

“Unnie you can’t just sit here all day.” Iseul says gently. “You need to go out and do things.” I glance over to her and shake my head. “I know it’s not easy, but you need to make some kind of appearance, it’s been two weeks and you haven’t really done anything.”

“I don’t want to.” I mutter turning away from my friend. “I don’t want to do anything.” I say stubbornly as I walk and climb into my bed and hiding under the covers.

I’m not left alone like I wanted, I feel a couple people sit on my bed near me. “You know, we can’t just let you mope by yourself, we’ve come to indulge you in this, and we’re going to have the ultimate post break up movie marathon.” Yoora says while pulling the covers off of me and with the help of Sooyoung they drag me to the living room.

“I’m all for wallowing in the loss of your first love, but you can’t let this beat you forever.” Sooyoung says gently and in a very sisterly way. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but there are going to be other guys, there are going to be men that are wildly different from Ilhoon, you’ll have relationships that are different and some that are similar to the one you had with Ilhoon. Trust me, it’ll be okay.” She says hugging me as I watch Jinri put a DVD in.

I watch the movies silently, resting against Sooyoung the entire time as we make our way through the ultimate break up movies. It isn’t until we’re on the fourth one that I say something. “Thank you guys,” I mutter getting up and eat some of the snacks that they’ve set out at the table in the kitchen.

Since Ilhoon and I broke up two weeks ago the mood in the apartment has been sullen, the girls are careful about talking about anything. I find that too many things remind me of Ilhoon. I burst into tears over these things. While I can keep up a façade at work and out in public, I’m unable to hold up at the dorm in private. And for now that’s okay.

~~~

“Dayoungie, Junhyung is here for you.” Jinri says gently. I hear her walk away and Junhyung enters the room and eventually climbing up to my bunk.

“Come on, let’s go out and have some fun.” Junhyung whispers gently. “We haven’t hung out just us in a long time.”

“I don’t want to have fun.” I mutter from under the covers where I have found some kind of refuge. Having fun means moving on and moving on means that Ilhoon and I are really over. I still don’t want to admit that.

I hear my brother let out a heavy sigh, I feel him poking me gently. “Dayoung be dressed to go, even if I have to drag you out of bed I’m taking you out today. You need to see the sun. You need to go out. It’s been a few weeks and everyone has indulged in you hiding out, but starting today you’re going to have to it up.” Junhyung says firmly.

“Oppa you’re being mean.” I say curling up tighter. At this point I’d say anything if it’d mean I could stay under my covers and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

“Dayoung I’m being serious. Get up, take a shower, get dressed and be ready to go in twenty minutes or I’m taking you out as is.”

I hear my brother leave. I consider the threat and knowing that he’s follow through. I come out from under my covers and I eventually leave the room. I take a shower and I get dressed. I trudge down the hall to see my brother waiting with my phone and wallet in hand. “I hate you.” I mutter grabbing my things as I follow my brother to get my shoes on.

“No you don’t.” Junhyung says dismissively. “Anyways, we’re getting some food then we’re going to go shopping and seeing as I love my little sister so much I’ll pay for everything.”

“I don’t hate you.” I say grudgingly as I slip my shoes on. Grabbing my brother’s hand I follow him out. “Oppa I didn’t know a person could be this sad.” I say suddenly. “Not like this.”

Junhyung smiles at me and pats my head with his other hand. “It’ll all change again. You’ll see. And as much as I hate to say it, there will be other guys and you’ll fall in love again.”

“Oppa you must really hate to see me like this.” I say leaning against him. I feel sad thinking that I’ll be able to fall in love again with someone who isn’t Ilhoon, that eventually I’ll be able to look at him and I won’t feel a surge of happiness, that I’ll forget how sad or happy he’s made me. That I’ll feel different about Ilhoon eventually. I hate that. I don’t want to feel different.

“Yeah, yeah, well just remember that I do.” Junhyung says easily. “You know, I’ll always listen.”

I smile as I squeeze my brother’s hand a little tighter. “I don’t want to talk about it.” I say quietly and rather stubbornly. The thought of having to admit aloud that things simply changed between Ilhoon and I was the sole reason. There wasn’t anything particularly outstanding. Just that Ilhoon wanted to see other people. That he thought it was time we moved on. That we weren’t quite what we had been. It hurts still.

“Dayoung,” Junhyung says stopping us. He blocks me from the view of people as he wipes my face. I quickly realize that I’ve started to cry. “I think you need to talk about it with someone, anyone.” He says gently. One he’s satisfied with wiping away most of the tears Junhyung leads me to his car. I get in quickly and sit shocked in the passenger seat. “I don’t expect for you to just bounce back, but I’m not going to let you sink because of this.” My brother says supportively.

Reaching across the console I grab my brother’s hand and give it a squeeze. “I know, thank you Oppa.” I whisper quietly. “Now I was promised fun.” I say as I get settled in my seat.

Junhyung glances at me worriedly before starting the car. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you I’d pay for everything.” He says in an attempt to lighten the mood. I force a small chuckle. “Yah, I think we both know that we know each other well enough that you don’t have to force a laugh.”

This time the laugh that I let out is genuine. “Oppa, you’re going to go grey always worrying about me.” I tell him lightly as I look out the window. I adjusting the beanie I’d put on I glance to my brother while he drives. He hadn’t given me the usual chide about jinxing his hair color. “I love you.” I tell my brother sincerely.

“I love you too.” He says giving me a quick glance.

~~~

After a full afternoon of shopping, much to my delight all paid for as promised by Junhyung, it is fair to say I am in a very good mood by lunch.

“You know, I think you’re completely capable of wiping out my bank account.” Junhyung says while shaking his head at me. “Do you really need those clothes?” He asks jokingly.

“Well, I happen to think that the cure to sadness is you taking me shopping.” I say cheekily. I giggle as my brother sends me a glare. “Oppa, thank you.” I say sincerely as we eat out food.

Junhyung lets out a heavy sigh as he watches me. “Anything to see you smile again.” Junhyung says simply. “I spoil you way too much.” He mutters to himself.

I shake my head as I silently shake my head. Though I am extremely grateful to him. Junhyung has managed to take my mind off everything. “Can I stay the night at your apartment?” I ask curiously. “We can make dinner together.” I say brightly.

“I’d like that.” Junhyung says simply. “It’ll be nice.” He says simply as he looks up at me affectionately. I can tell he’s holding back on saying something, I decide not to press. After a moment he finally says something. “We haven’t done this in a long time.” He says softly.

I smile at Junhyung rather happily. “We both been pretty busy between all our schedules and personal lives.” I point out calmly. “Though I think we should do stuff like this more often.” I say extremely happily.

Junhyung smiles at me like he always has, but this smile quickly fades and he becomes upset. Frowning and following something behind me with his eyes, Junhyung looks rather furious. Confused and before he can say anything I turn around to see what’s caught his attention.

I find it rather strange. Even after not seeing Ilhoon for three weeks and even though his hair has changed, I can pick him out rather easily. My eyes almost immediately are still drawn to him. I see him talking rather excitedly with Sungjae. They both don’t seem to notice us and I have a hard time turning back around. I do, however, face Junhyung again.

I glance over at Junhyung, who is barely holding his temper as we eat lunch, Ilhoon is a couple tables away and he looks like he’s ready to murder him. “You can’t let this affect your work with him.” I tell my brother gently.

“ that, you’re my precious little sister and that idiot broke your heart.” Junhyung says getting up, taking my hand he leads me out, paying for our food and then taking me out of building. Junhyung takes me to his car and he turns to look at me. “You’ve been really sad Dayoungie.”

I let out a sigh and watch Junhyung carefully for a few moments. “Oppa, I won’t be sad forever, I’m just trying to adjust. Ilhoon had been a huge part of my life.”

“I hate seeing you like this.” He counters in a very big brother kind of way. “Dayoungie, you don’t see it do you?” I give my brother a confused look. “Even when you’re masking it for the sake of being in public you look sad. I hate it. That punk helped you open up and be friendly, helped you make friends and now it’s like you’re closing yourself in. I see how much this is tearing you apart.”

“I know I’ve been worrying everyone lately, but I promise, I won’t always be sad.” I say comforting my older brother who frowns even more at me.

“Stop being strong like this.” Junhyung says turning back to the wheel, turning the car on he pulls into traffic and lets out a heavy sigh. “You haven’t changed one bit in that regard. You don’t always have to be strong, you don’t always have to be brave. It’s okay to break.”

I’d love to believe that, but the fact of the matter is, I don’t. The last time I broke I’d been having a crisis about my feelings for Ilhoon on top of trying to figure out how to tell everyone about me being adopted twice, or maybe the time I sort of jumped off the deep end when my biological parents tried milking money from the press by releasing my private life to the public. Either way, I was hurt and each time I felt like I wouldn’t survive the mental break downs. Those did not feel ok at all.

“Dayoung, I know exactly what’s running through that think head of yours.” Junhyung says rather simply. “It is okay. Even if you’re trying your best to rationalize it all.” My older brother says very gently. “I’m not going to let this eat me away.” I say deciding I have to face it. I know if I ignore or deny the reality I’ll only make it worse for me.

~~~

I think the worst part of all this is, one moment I’ll be okay, but the next I’ll find a card or some scrap of paper of lyrics Ilhoon and I had been working on, and I’ll just shut down. It’ll be sudden and can last a while. A few minutes, maybe a few days.

I’m having one of those few days…

This time it hadn’t been a song we’d been working on, I’d already cleaned out most of those things, gifts Ilhoon had given me over the years, I’d stuffed the things I couldn’t part with in the back of our closet at the dorm in a box tucked away out of sight. The things that couldn’t fit in the box I asked Junhyung to keep. The stuffed animal Ilhoon got me when BTOB had been on their first tour is someplace safe according to Junhyung.

Though the thing that brought me back to this crushing pain wasn’t a stuffed animal, songs, or even a picture. It’s the black shirt Ilhoon had given me. It had been at one point of time his favorite shirt. I’d missed it when I was putting all the memories in the box.

I’m sitting in bed just staring at the shirt in front of me again. I let out a heavy sigh as I pick the shirt up and put it away in the box at the back of the closet.

Sitting back in bed I feel sad still, that lingering pain in my chest still throbbing. Letting out a heavy sigh I get up and change into running shorts and a tank. I don’t want to think about him right now. I don’t want to be trapped here. I want to move on.

The aim is to have a kind of walk through of Dayoung's adult life and
things she'll encounter. I actaully have quite a bit planned out.
I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think!!