[title song: wave by brown eyed girls]

two.

“Yeah, my boss said he’s going to be raising my hours.” Minhee explains over the phone. She sounds absolutely exhausted and Jessica can’t fathom how grueling Minhee’s internship could be, especially since she’s only started a week ago. Aren’t bosses supposed to go easy on new interns for at least a couple of weeks in? “He said something about an incredibly important project and he needs all hands on deck, even the interns. It’s not hard, he just wants us to triple check a ton of code for our mentors, but the other interns are losing it, Jess. I mean, they all have barely any experience with this stuff to begin with.” Minhee pauses, her voice muffled as she calls out a quick thank you to someone before there’s a slam of a door. Then she murmurs a soft, “I feel kinda bad for them.”

“You’ll do fine, though.” Jessica reminds her, shuffling into Baekhyun’s kitchen. She quietly opens the cupboard, quickly scanning for a glass before she reaches for one.

“I know that. I’m good at this.” Minhee says, her tone making it obvious that she’s also rolling her eyes. Jessica snorts and Minhee sighs, “Anyway, this means I’m going to miss a ton of stuff. I asked Sooyong to keep me in the loop, but I don’t want her to have too much on her plate, y’know.”

Jessica leans back against the counter, sipping at her water, “I’ll text you, too. Maybe we should make a giant group chat. Kakao about it or something.”

Jessica says it bluntly, but Minhee laughs, like Jessica’s just made some kind of joke. She wasn’t kidding; she never really is about these kinds of matters, but whatever. “Well, I’m home now. Finally.”

“I still can’t believe the company is providing you with transportation.” Jessica frowns at her water because she’s been conditioned into distrusting everything and Minhee’s internship just seems too good to be true.

(Maybe they’ve been hit with such bad fortune lately that a good thing has become too foreign of a concept for Jessica to fully comprehend, let alone trust.)

“If you met the boss, you’d totally believe it. He’s super nice, but he’s a little…weird. All the higher ups are a little off in the head, I think. But they all mean well.” Minhee groans dramatically and Jessica hears the faint sound of music drifting in the background. “You’d love Jellyfish City, Jess. It’s gorgeous. The people are gorgeous, weird, yes, but totally attractive. Apart from the creepy forest we always have to drive through and the fact that there are Halloween-themed shops in, like, every corner, it’s really nice.”

“I’m glad you like it. It sounds…”

“Unbelievable?” Minhee asks. Jessica hums in affirmation. A moment passes before Minhee yawns, her tone worried, “Is it bad that I keep waiting for all this to fall apart? It’s just too good to be true.”

“It’s not bad. It makes sense.” Jessica shakes her head, but she doesn’t provide any other words of comfort because Minhee gets it. She might be annoying, loud, and too happy, everything Jessica isn’t to be honest, but Minhee understands, she pays attention, and she gets what Jessica wants to say, even when Jessica doesn’t say it.

“We’ve been through a lot.” Minhee sighs, her voice soft, pained. “And it looks like there’s more to come.”

There’s a creak at the doorway, then, and Jessica looks up, watching with hawk eyes as the one person she was praying she wouldn’t run into any time soon steps into the kitchen. Her breathing hitches, involuntarily, and Jessica clutches the phone, her eyes pinned on him, even as he continues into the kitchen, sauntering over to the pantry, a few feet away from her, dressed in a long white t-shirt and boxers.

“I’m going to go to bed.” Minhee yawns into the receiver.

Jessica nods, watching as Luhan ruffles through the pantry, ignoring her, before she realizes that Minhee can’t see her nodding, “Good night. Keep in touch.” Her voice comes out steadier than she thought it’d be.

Minhee barks out a laugh, “I should be saying that to you. ‘Night, Jess.”

And then she hangs up and Jessica is fully aware that she is completely alone with Luhan. For a whole year, she’s made sure she was never completely alone with him. An entire year, yet here she was.

“.”

“That’s not quite a greeting and a little offensive, if I’m being honest. You may want to try again.” Luhan’s voice is gravelly and a shiver runs down her spine. She hates his ing voice so much. She wants to strangle him right there and then, especially when he doesn’t turn to look at her, instead examining the nutritional contents of a bag of chips.

“Shut up.” Jessica bites out; his entire existence gets under her skin and makes it crawl.

“That’s not quite it either, darling.” Luhan turns then and looks at her, his eyes unwavering, the term of endearment lingering between them, a reminder of the power he has over her with his words alone. She knows he's purposely dangling that word, that power, over her. His eyes stay pinned on her and she’s instantly reminded of the time she woke up in the basement of this very house surrounded by her friends and Yixing. She’s reminded of the time he barged into the room and looked her in the eye with her friends in the room right after he had ordered that man to do horrid things, lies spilling from his lips so easily.

I helped you get out of that awful place, he had said, with that same unwavering gaze and a look of sincerity on his face that reminded her of an angel.

(In the very beginning, when she first woke up in that dark warehouse room, chains rubbing her wrists raw and utterly confused, she thought he was an angel sent from the heavens to save her. He certainly looked like one. But she had quickly learned that he was just the devil disguised as an angel, whispering poisonous, powerful words to his henchman that haunt her to this day, and days to come.)

After Yixing had sent everyone out of the room, after Yixing had treated her wounds in private, offering her gentle words as he asked permission to touch her, hands even gentler, despite his cautious eyes. After he had left her alone, Luhan had slipped into the room, obviously unseen by her friends, and with those same unwavering eyes he had told her even more lies regarding his friends, that none of his friends knew. He had given her an angelic smile and reminded her that no one would believe her, no one would care, and to this day, she can't believe she believed him. To this day she—

She can’t breathe.

Luhan stares at her and she clutches the edge of the counter, the glass slipping from her fingers, shattering across the floor, and her heart wedged in .

Luhan opens his mouth and the only thought running through her head is that if he speaks, if she has to hear his voice, at this very moment, she would fall apart.

(She hates falling apart, so her fingers dig into her palms, forming fists as she tries and tries and tries.

It's not working and she feels fear and horror creeping up on her, working its way to her heart, everywhere.)

But then—

“Lu, leave.” It’s a familiar voice, not the voices of the two boys whom she always finds herself falling back on, but another one. Baekhyun.

(A small part of her is disappointed that isn't the two boys she's conditioned herself into relying on.)

She doesn’t expect him, he’s always just been an extension of Sooyong to her whom she never thought twice about, and she finds herself getting embarrassed, despite the building panic in her chest.

Her vision blurs and Baekhyun speaks again, his voice closer. His tone is sharp, “Don’t speak. She doesn't need to hear your voice, just get out of the kitchen." There's a pause before Baekhyun speaks in a softer voice, obviously directed towards Luhan. "Please, hyung. Get out.”

There’s a loud sigh, a slam of the pantry door, and the screech of a chair skidding across the floor, before it’s completely silent, aside from her heavy breathing.

He's gone, she repeats to herself, over and over again until her rapid heartbeat begins to slow.

Silence is easier to deal with and eventually she calms down, eventually her vision isn't blurry, and the counter jabbing into her lower back jolts her back to reality much faster than her thoughts telling her to calm down.

When she opens her eyes, Baekhyun has a dustpan in his hand and he’s kneeling in front of where she leans against the counter, sweeping up tiny shards of glass and mopping up spilled water with a dishrag.

“Sorry.” She murmurs, her voice coming out thicker than she’d hoped, embarrassment creeping up her spine.

Baekhyun just straightens up. The sound of him knocking the dustpan against the trashcan repeatedly, tinkling glass hitting the sides as it trickles down, echoes in the silent kitchen (the Luhan-less kitchen).

Finally, he shakes his head, smiling gently at her. There’s something in his voice that makes her think he’s said these same words before, “You don’t need to be sorry about anything.”

“I broke your glass.” She points out, staring at him in confusion. She’s still clutching the counter and Baekhyun puts the dustpan away before shrugging at her, his eyes darting from her curled up fingers to her face, his eyes growing serious as he eyes her for a moment.

“It can be replaced.” Baekhyun says and Jessica hates the unreadable, soul-gazing look he gives her, eyes searching her face, just like the ones Sooyong tends to pin her with all the time, these days. "Are you okay?"

He looks at her quite seriously then she's reminded of the time he had asked her that same question, his eyes were just as serious as the time she was drunk out of her mind at a party and he had crouched in front of her, his eyes searching her face the same way it is now. He ended up sending her to Sooyong's with Sehun and Jongin for company and she had thoroughly embarrassed herself in front of both Sehun and Jongin, for the first (but not the last) time. Jessica's never really had that many conversations with him before but he still seems to watch out for her the same way Sooyong does.

She blinks at him, scowling at the fact that she even made him think that she wasn't okay, and he smiles a little, just a tiny tug at the corner of his lips. She furrows her brows at him, “What are you staring at?”

“You remind me of someone.” Baekhyun says, his eyes lighting up with mischief so suddenly that Jessica feels the need to run away before she’s caught in some kind of scheme of his.

“...Um," She eyes him with caution. "Who?"

He grins and she knows she won’t like his answer.

“Sehun.” He murmurs.

She was right.

She blinks rapidly, surprise flitting across her expression and he keeps grinning, teeth showing and eyes curling into crescent moons. “Don’t worry. I think the similarity is cute.”

The way he looks at her, with a wiggle of his brows and a suggestive smile makes her turn red up to her ears. She's glad her long hair is covering her ears. “Shut up.”

Then Baekhyun laughs, loudly and unabashedly, despite the fact that it’s pretty much three in the morning. He laughs and laughs even as he plucks some chocolate out of the fridge, the brand Jessica realizes is Sooyong’s favorite, and proceeds to ruffle Jessica’s hair as he walks away. Jessica’s scowl deepens and that only makes Baekhyun laugh louder as he walks out of the kitchen without another word.

~.~.~.~.~

Jessica stares at the spot on the floor beside the couch Mina’s sleeping in for a long, long time after her encounter with Baekhyun, lips pursed. Mina tosses in her spot, the moonlight spilling in from the windows making the burn scar across her face glint eerily. Jessica’s fingers are still trembling, which she figures is the after effects of the sudden onset of panic, and that’s when she swivels on her heels, tiptoeing up the stairs and turning left, away from Baekhyun’s room, to where the guest rooms are. Baekhyun’s house is gigantic and Jessica’s always wondered how the hell his parents could be so rich.

She stares at the guest room door for a long moment, tinkling laughter floating down the hall from behind Baekhyun’s door as she stares and stares at the door to Sehun and Jongin's room.

And then she pushes it open, eyes flickering over the bed, where Sehun is fast asleep, balled up on his side, one of his arms stretched out to the other side of the bed, fingers curling around empty bed sheets. His hair falls into his eyes and he looks much younger when he’s asleep, peaceful almost. Light floods in from beneath the door of the guest room bathroom, an orangey light that doesn’t disturb the peaceful stillness in whatever Jessica’s just walked into, and she listens to the water running beyond the door, the sound distant. She wants to slip in beside Sehun, curl up in his protective warmth and sleep the rest of the night away. That’s what she wants to do.

But she observes the empty space beside him, the tangled blankets and rumpled pillow, the clothes piled on the dresser across from the bed, and she suddenly feels like there’s no room for her there. The space beside Sehun is already filled and the bed is too small to include her in any way.

(That clawing feeling returns, tearing at her chest, at her heart, and her eyes prickle, her nose stinging.

There's no room for her.

She already knows that, she's always known that, so why does it make her feel like this now.)

The sound of running water stops abruptly and she hears the rattle of the bathroom doorknob. Slowly, she backs out of the room, carefully shutting the door behind her with a soft click. Then she swivels on her heels and hurries down the stairs, two steps at a time, the clawing feeling in her chest almost suffocating her.

She runs right into a person, at the very foot of the stairs, and Kim Jongdae steadies her with a firm grip on her shoulders.

(All she can think about is how embarrassing this is, because she’s showing too much emotion to the wrong people and she doesn't do that. That's Minhee and Sooyong's thing, not hers.)

Jongdae, mischievous, loud Jongdae whom Jessica assumed didn’t have a single perceptive bone in his body, examines her expression with progressively softening eyes, his lips parting as he searches her face, before he slowly releases his grip on her.

He opens his mouth to say something but she stops him, shaking her head quickly, “Please, don’t.”

Her voice is ridiculously soft, uncharacteristically so.

She ing hates it.

He stares at her real hard before he just nods, stepping around her, squeezing her shoulder on the way up the stairs.

~.~.~.~.~

“Did you come in the room last night?” Jongin murmurs into the shell of her ear as he walks past where she’s seated, his presence so sudden that her fingers curl into fists around the toast in her fingers, crushing the bread.

He opens the fridge, before glancing back at her, his eyes flickering over her face before settling on her hands. His hair is all over the place and she doesn’t point out that he’s wearing the sweater Sehun wore yesterday, instead choosing to look down as she wipes her hands on a napkin so she doesn’t have to look him in the eyes.

She frowns at the torn pieces of toast, sticking one in . She takes the time that chewing allows her to compose herself before she looks back up at him, swallowing slowly. He watches her movements, his eyes flickering down around her neck as she swallows before darting back up to her eyes. She speaks blandly, “You already know the answer to that question don’t you?”

He stares at her before pulling out the juice and pouring himself a glass. He slams the fridge door shut when he puts the juice back and Jessica makes a show of nonchalance (despite the fact that the sudden loud noise makes her wince internally), instead placing an elbow on the table as she rests her chin in her palm, chewing on her last ruined bit of toast.

He stares at her even more and she makes a face, grimacing at him. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” She mumbles.

Jongin snorts, humorlessly, so she sighs, continuing the one-sided conversation, “I only went in for a minute. I didn’t think you’d noticed.”

“Yes, I noticed.” He looks annoyed as he sips at his orange juice, his throat bobbing. It’s silent for a long moment before he finally speaks, tone tight. “You could have stayed, you know.”

She blinks, startled, and chokes on the orange juice she’s drinking, coughing up a lung in front of him.

(She’s annoyed at herself because coughing up a lung in front of Jongin is the opposite of nonchalance, for God’s sakes, why does she keep embarrassing herself?)

Kim Jongin just leans against the counter, exactly where she stood last night, and watches her have a coughing fit. In fact, he seems to be waiting for her to finish and that makes her grimace at him, when she’s finally able to breathe.

“What did you say?” She asks, finally, confusion coloring her entire being.

Jongin glares at her, all furrowed brows and petulant pout, his lithe body forming a defensive stance. “You didn’t have to sleep alone on the floor all night, Jessica.”

He sounds like he’s scolding her. She bristles at his tone, glaring darkly, “I wasn’t alone. I was with Mina.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Who cares?” She murmurs, snaps really, “There’s no room in your bed, so I would have ended up on the floor anyways.”

(That damn clawing sensation rakes through her and her mood worsens.)

Jongin stares at her, in a way that makes her feel like all of time and space has come to a sudden halt, like he’s searching for answers in her face that she can’t possibly give him, and he knows it. Like they’re the only two people that matter at the moment and she’s utterly and completely failing him and he’s completely aware of it. Then he slams the glass down on the counter, the sound absolutely jarring in the tense silence and she jumps in place, her eyes widening.

“You’re hopeless.”

He leaves. He leaves and she stares after him in confusion.

~.~.~.~.~

She doesn’t see Jongin or Sehun for the rest of the weekend.

~.~.~.~.~

“Good morning, Jessica!”

Jessica practically falls out of the chair she’s sitting in, blinking in surprise at the loud voice and even louder laugh following shortly after, the sound similar to tinkling bells and so damn annoying.

She grimaces, swiveling in her seat just so she can glare at the offending voice more effectively.

Donghyuk, of all people, bounds up to her, one hand on top of his snapback to keep it from sliding off his head. She blinks and he grins, his dimple deepening while his eyes sparkle.

She blinks.

He grins.

She blinks again, wrinkling her brows.

He keeps grinning, without blinking once.

She blinks, just to see if he’ll actually blink because it’s been a good two minutes and that should be impossible.

He doesn’t blink, but his grin seems to grow in intensity.

“What?” She finally asks, her expression blank as she stares at him, though she swears her eye is twitching.

“I’m saying hi!” He exclaims loudly.

She scowls. “It is seven in the morning.”

“And what a beautiful time to grace each other’s company!”

“…It’s seven in the morning.” Jessica repeats, slowly, with added emphasis on the parts he doesn’t seem to understand.

“…Yeah…I know…” Donghyuk’s smile finally falters, replaced by confusion. He watches her owlishly and she wonders vaguely if she was somehow this overly excited her freshman year (she doubts it).

“Stop yelling at seven in the morning.” She explains, slowly. He seems to falter a bit and she feels bad about crushing his little freshman heart, so she tries to console him quickly by tacking on a quiet, “Please.”

“Oh, you don’t like loud noises, do you?” Donghyuk asks. She wants to say not at seven in the ing morning but she refrains because she honestly thinks he’ll start crying if she curses at him. Instead she nods. His grin is back, fully blinding her sleepy brain. She hasn’t even had a cup of coffee yet. “I’m sorry. I’ll keep that in mind next time.”

“Next time?” She chooses to ignore the fact that Donghyuk barely lowered his voice, like at all.

“Yeah, my class is….that way!” He points off to the right and she doesn’t look over her shoulder, watching him speak animatedly at seven in the morning. She needs her coffee right now. “I guess I’ll be crossing paths with you quite a bit, yeah?”

His eye either twitches or he’s attempting to wink at her.

She snorts at him and his grin widens (if that’s even possible).

Before she can answer, someone else answers for her, tone laced with amusement, “Like a pair of star-crossed lovers, huh?”

Donghyuk (finally) blinks rapidly in surprise, his eyes widening, while Jessica frowns at Sehun over her shoulder. “Uh, n—no. That’s not what I meant…at all…” Donghyuk stutters.

Jessica watches as Sehun’s dark eyes glint with a dark sort of amusement, lips twitching.

“Ignore him.” She tells Donghyuk, even as she takes the coffee cup out of Sehun’s hands. Sehun’s eyes track her movements, watching as she takes a sip from his cup, her fingers wrapping around the coffee cup. Sighing, Jessica looks over at Donghyuk, observing the way he glances between Sehun and her with a curious, observant gaze, “Thank you for…saying hi to me. I guess.”

Jessica tries for nice and it sounds so strained that Sehun snickers at her.

Donghyuk grins, though, and waves his hand around dismissively, nearly smacking himself in the face in the process. “Oh my God, no problem. It was my pleasure! I mean—” Jessica watches, sipping on Sehun’s cup, while Donghyuk reddens, glancing sideways at Sehun as he trips over his words, “I mean, it’s totally okay. We’re friends, right? It’s definitely not a problem!”

“Are you friends?” Sehun asks, addressing Jessica rather than Donghyuk. There’s something in his eyes, right at that moment, that reminds Jessica of how she felt, when she walked into their room in Baekhyun’s house to a bed too small and crumpled sheets and a sleeping Sehun and no room for her. Something about the look in his eyes makes her angry. Maybe it’s the way it reminds her of the clawing feeling in her chest and how lonely it made her felt, maybe it’s because she doesn’t believe he has a right to feel that way, not after this weekend, or maybe it’s something else entirely, she doesn’t know, but all she knows is that she’s getting progressively angrier at him.

So she gives him a sickly sweet smile, one that has Sehun narrowing his eyes at her in an instant.

“Yes, we are. Donghyuk’s nice.” Jessica turns her sickly sweet smile on Donghyuk and Donghyuk lights up like a Christmas tree.

“Huh.” Sehun nods, though his expression immediately morphs into that signature blank look of his and she feels like she’s lost something, like her moment of heated pettiness lost her something, though she isn’t quite sure what.

“Okay, well, I have to get to class. I’m like, ten minutes late. So I’ll see you around, Jessica!” Donghyuk waves to her, bowing halfheartedly to Sehun, before he scurries off, and she frowns at the way his backpack is wide open, his papers in danger of spilling out, while he places a hand over the top of his snapback, so it doesn’t slip off.

“You met him last week.” Sehun points out. She turns back to him and Sehun’s just watching her, eyes flickering up and down her face.

She sips on Sehun’s coffee and shrugs, “Yeah. This is the second time I’ve spoken to him.”

She doesn’t look at him as she walks away, even as she makes her way towards her first lecture, the one she shares with Sehun. “It’s funny.” Sehun says, his tone level, the razor sharp edge barely detectable, but still there. “Because it took you weeks to fully warm up to even calling me your friend.”

“That was after I found out you lied to me about being in EXO. I was fine with you before.” Jessica snaps back in a soft voice, just as they reach the lecture hall doors. She reaches for the doors, but he presses a hand against the door, keeping her from pulling them open. “Move.”

Sehun studies her face for a long moment, before he says, “We’re going to talk after class.”

He slowly removes his hand from the door, his eyes pinned on her face, and she yanks the door open.

“Great.” She comments scathingly before pushing past him and taking a seat near the front of the lecture hall, between two people she’s never seen before.

Sehun doesn’t sit near her and she finds awful satisfaction in downing the rest of his coffee (though that quickly morphs into guilt when she remembers how Sehun barely drinks coffee and he probably bought it for her, like he always does before their early seven twenty lecture).

~.~.~.~.~

An hour and a half later, after Jessica steps out of her psychology lecture, Sehun’s by her side in an instant, his fingers finding the middle of her back. He guides her away from the doors and leads her down the hall and up the stairs.

She doesn’t resist because it’s Sehun and she never resists him, even when she’s annoyed with him.

(She recognizes where they’re going. Last year, when she would need time away from everyone and everything, Sehun had helped her find an empty meeting room no one ever seemed to use. Later, she learned that Jongin used to use this room, long before she needed it, and that’s how Sehun knew of it.)

The anger from earlier is gone, extinguished because of a mind-numbing lecture and the realization that she has no legitimate reason to be mad at Sehun or Jongin. Maybe she’s bitter that she can’t be a part of whatever they have, that they made that extremely clear after they left YG City with Sooyong and Baekhyun in tow. Maybe she’s just frazzled from her encounters with Zelo and Luhan. Maybe she’s just lonely, or maybe it’s a combination of everything. She isn’t even entirely sure, herself.

“Jess.”

She blinks, shaking her head as she looks up at Sehun. He hovers over her, peering down at her with a blank expression and concerned eyes.

One look at her surroundings tells her that she’s in the empty meeting room she used to hide away in. Her gaze is sweeping, quickly observing the classroom, and she feels a strange sort of dread at the sight, because the last time she needed to use this room was nearly six months ago.

(She doesn’t like coming back here.

Not when she can imagine her demons hanging from the ceiling, clawing up the walls, living in this very room.

And Sehun is aware of that.)

Her eyes snap back up to meet Sehun’s and he steps away from her, allowing her room to actually breathe. She watches as he settles himself against one of the student tables, his fingers curling around the edges of the small desks as he looks her up and down for a moment.

She watches him in much the same way, admiring the way his jeans fit him for a moment. Finally, he speaks, his voice soft but accusing, “You owe me a cup of coffee.” He says.

“You always say that.” Jessica mumbles, rolling her eyes.

“Because you always steal my coffee every morning.” Sehun whines, grimacing at her before he eyes her in a way that makes her feel like he’s staring straight into her brain, “Don’t think I won’t send you the bill on Christmas. I’m keeping track of how much you owe me.”

Laughter bubbles up from Jessica’s lips and Sehun’s grimace morphs into a fond little smile, one that has her cheeks inexplicably warming up, even as she fights off her own inevitable laughter, her expression twitching a bit. They stand like that for a long minute, Sehun leaning coolly against a desk while she stands in the middle of the room with her arms crossed, the tiniest smiles tugging at both their lips.

Then Jessica sighs, glancing around the room cautiously, if only to tear her eyes off of his, “Why did you bring me up here?”

There’s an accusing edge to her tone because this room, and what it reminds her of, makes her anxious.

Sehun is aware of that.

The annoyance returns, then, as Sehun opens his mouth to speak.

“Luhan and Baekhyun asked about you yesterday.” Sehun watches her with steady eyes, his arms folded against his chest and his jaw taut.

Jessica looks him up and down, ignoring the way Luhan’s name makes her whole body tense up for a minute, instead focusing on Baekhyun and his obvious inability to keep things to himself. She rolls her eyes, waving a hand dismissively “I’m popular. So what?”

“Don’t.” Sehun’s jaw ticks in that way of his and she stares at the movement. “Don’t try to push me away.”

Jessica blinks then, the irritation deflating, “I’m not.” She murmurs, her eyes widening.

“It certainly seems like it.” Sehun says, quietly. His eyes bore into her, observing the way she stares at the wall opposite her, frowning slightly.

“I’m not.” She repeats, more firmly.

“Why didn’t you come to our room after?”

“Because it wasn’t a big deal. You don’t even know wh—”

“It’s Luhan, Jess.” Sehun cuts her off, tone frank. “I can put two and two together and I want—”

“It doesn’t matter.” Jessica shrieks, suddenly, as she throws her hands over head in exasperation. Sehun’s mouth snaps shut, though his eyes never leave hers, burning holes into her that she suddenly just wants to shake off. “It doesn’t ing matter. Just let it go.”

The silence that follows after is deafening and she watches as Sehun looks her right in the eyes with an ancient sort of exhaustion, bone deep in its intensity.

“Jongin was right. You really are hopeless.”

The confusion she felt with Jongin returns, but this time she can pinpoint the expression flashing through Sehun’s eyes as disappointment. And it’s awful.

~.~.~.~.~

“Did you honestly think we’d let you go after a stunt like that?” Sooyong shoves the man into the brick wall, her fist curled around the collar of his shirt, right against his jugular. The man, a client of LILAC’s Jessica had hoped would be long-term because, frankly, Jessica thought he was a pretty cool guy ever since he dropped by for his usual shipment of drugs and he had a forty minute debate with Minhee about the best snickerdoodle recipes, had tried to draw a gun on them. Jessica saw it first, instantly lunging for him as she twisted his arm back and slammed him face first into the alley wall, the crunching sound of broken bones had echoed up and down the empty alleyway before Sooyong called out Jessica’s name.

Now here he is, blood gushing from his nose, a whimpering mess under the barrel of Jessica’s gun and watchful eyes, while Sooyong tightens her grip on the collar of his shirt, expression filled with rage. She isn’t wearing her mask, none of them are since their identities are common knowledge now, thanks to the aftermath of Bang Yongguk.

“Who ordered you to kill us?” Sooyong murmurs, her hair falling into her eyes. When the man doesn’t answer, shaking his head vehemently, she jerks him forward before slamming him back into the wall so hard he cries out in pain, a trickle of blood trailing down his exposed neck.

“Answer the damn question.” Sooyong speaks sharply.

“Isn’t it…obvious?” The man sputters, voice breathy since Sooyong is still pushing up against his windpipe.

“Obviously not, .” Sooyong glares and the man eyes her for a long moment.

When she slams him into the brick wall again, the man’s cry of pain bubbles into a maniacal sort of laughter, the kind that makes shivers run up and down Jessica’s spine. He grins widely and there’s blood streaking his teeth, from when Jessica slammed her fist into his face when he had said something vulgar about Sooyong. 

His grin is degrading as he cackles. “You don’t even know how many enemies you have, do you, little girl?”

Jessica surges forward at that, but Sooyong holds out her free hand, pressing it to Jessica’s elbow. Sooyong reaches for the gun strapped beneath her skirt. “Okay, listen here, buddy.” Sooyong growls, exasperation and anger flooding her tone, her entire demeanor, in a menacing way, her voice cold. She presses the gun to the column of the man’s throat, eyes glinting. “Tuesday’s pasta night and I’ve got a lovely boyfriend waiting for me at home with some fancy pasta dish he found the recipe for online. I want to try his pasta before it gets cold, you know? I’m absolutely positive you don’t want me to be late to pasta night, do you? I’ll be really ing pissed if you make me late to pasta night and you really don’t want to see what happens then. So answer the damn question now.”

She pushes the barrel of the gun into the bottom of the man’s chin and Jessica watches as he visibly pales, despite the obvious defiance clouding his eyes.

The man spits in her face and Sooyong’s expression twists from surprise to disgust, while Jessica her gun, stepping forward with a scowl.

Before Sooyong or Jessica can react in any way, the man’s eyes widen in shock, his smirk plastered across his face and blood splattering across Sooyong’s face. Sooyong gasps, stepping away, and the man falls lifelessly into the brick wall before tumbling on the spot, blood spilling from his head and his eyes rolling back.

“Holy .” Sooyong mumbles, whipping around at the same time Jessica does. Jessica scans the empty streets around them quickly before she peers up at the rooftops above the alley. No one is there and Jessica feels a cold chill run up and down her spine.

The man slumps over himself lifelessly, blood still spilling from the gunshot wound to his head, and Jessica is pretty sure it was done by a sniper. But who was it?

(Jessica wonders why the shooter didn’t just shoot one of them instead and get this over with, especially when the culprit probably wants Jessica and Sooyong dead in the first place.)

 “Why?” Sooyong murmurs, her eyes wide and her grip so tight on her gun that her fingers are beginning to turn red, drying blood splattered across her face.

Jessica stares at the dead man and she’s horribly reminded of the time after they had found out about the true identities of EXO. “Because it’s…” Jessica blinks, her eyes widening, “It’s a game to them.”

Sooyong’s face pales and Jessica pretends not to notice the way Sooyong brushes the burn scar on her arm almost absentmindedly with the barrel of her gun, “Of course it is.” She mumbles, darkly.

~.~.~.~.~

“A game?” Jongin murmurs, his eyes never quite meeting Jessica’s despite the fact that they’re sitting across from each other at the restaurant booth, Jessica’s feet occasionally bumping into his long limbs.

“Sound familiar?” Jessica bites out a little bitterly, stabbing at her lunch absentmindedly.

Jongin glares at her, then, his eyes narrowing, and she holds his gaze, raising a challenging brow. She remembers exactly what had happened after Baekhyun confronted Sooyong about their Lilac lipstick in the cafeteria, what feels like lifetimes ago. Jessica remembers what Luhan and Zitao had done to Sooyong, but Jessica especially remembers all the times Jongin and Sehun had skipped the game part and went straight to being angry with her and it was awful because they would never touch her but they’d say hurtful things that she hates remembering. That was also around the time she and Zelo became good friends, which only seemed to make the two of them angrier, especially when Zelo would step in as support.

Jongin sighs, then, his glare dropping off his face and exhaustion replacing it. “You know we meant none of what we said, right?” Jongin stares at her, leveling her with a steady gaze and she frowns.

(She vaguely wonders when exactly Jongin became the spokesperson for himself and Sehun, the ugly clawing feeling rearing its head almost immediately.)

Jessica nods, because Jongin’s right (he almost always is), before she takes a bite of her lunch, chewing slowly. He watches her chew, his droopy, exhausted eyes falling to her lips for a split second before moving back up to her eyes. She swears she imagined it because he still eyes her with expectancy, as if he’s waiting for her to answer his question with a verbal response.

She stares at the food, which Jongin will probably glare his way into paying for, ignoring the won she’ll inevitably throw on the table, and she pauses, her fork halfway to . Suddenly, she feels bad; guilty.

She’s taking out her anger and frustration and fear of whatever Zelo and his friends are doing on Jongin and Sehun and, frankly, they don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve the clawing feeling in her chest every time she sees them together and they don’t deserve her bringing up their rocky past, because they were supposed to move past that a long time ago. They don’t deserve her pettiness and she’s never felt this bothered about her actions before.

Jongin must see something in her expression right then, because his gaze softens significantly. The last time he looked at her this way was also right after the last time they angrily hooked up, so many months ago, right before he told her they had to stop, and it makes her feel even worse.

She blinks, rapidly, and Jongin reaches across the table, the slowness of his movements making her feel small and fragile right then, especially when he wraps his big, warm hand around her fingers and squeezes them gently. Jongin doesn’t say anything; he was never one to speak much, unlike Sehun, who spoke a ton around the people he’s most comfortable with, much like her.

Jessica can’t stop thinking, then. She can’t stop thinking about how Mina acts like everything is fine, though they all know she can’t sleep alone anymore, and she can’t stop thinking about how Minhee is always gone and how Sooyong has been planning something, but she won’t say a word about to anyone, not even Baekhyun, though Baekhyun doesn’t seem too bothered by it. She can’t stop thinking about how Zelo is out there and she always feels like there are eyes on her wherever she goes. She can’t stop thinking about Sehun and Jongin and then Luhan and—

“I need to go.” Jessica’s voice is surprisingly steady to her own ears, even as she jerks her hand out of Jongin’s, so suddenly that Jongin’s eyes widen in surprise. Jessica knows she imagined the hurt flicker in his eyes.

She means to leave on her own, head back to her dorm and bury herself in her blankets and try to breathe, but instead she feels an arm wind around her waist and carefully help her to her feet. She watches, with buzzing thoughts and the inexplicable need to drown everything out, as Jongin drops a wad of cash on the table and grabs her hand, his warm fingers tightening around hers as he leads her out of the restaurant.

She doesn’t remember the car ride, she’s too busy trying to figure out how to breathe right, but when she steps out of the car, stumbling a bit, she notices that this isn’t her dorm. It’s Sehun and Jongin’s apartment complex.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbles, suddenly, her eyes filling with tears because that clawing monster returns, scratching up her insides, and they don’t ing deserve this from her.

“Why?” Jongin’s soft voice fills her head and she can feel his lips on her ear, his fingers gently pushing the hair out of her face, tracing the fine lines of her face, up and down her jaw, as if he’s trying to massage the thoughts, the sadness, out of her head. She doesn’t answer, there are too many reasons for her to list at the moment, and Jongin pushes something cold against her lips, “Drink this.”

“What happened?” Sehun’s voice joins his and Jessica looks up from the drink Jongin holds to her lips, her expression twisting a bit more. Sehun leans against the bedroom door, shirtless and hair tousled, his face wrinkled with concern and Jongin says something to him she doesn’t quite catch. He sees her looking at her and he pushes off the door, before he kneels on the bed, “Too many thoughts, Jessie?”

She nods, jerkily, and Sehun leans forward, pressing his lips to her forehead softly, carefully, his thumb rubbing circles into her cheeks, “Come on.” He murmurs, voice quiet. “Let’s get you some rest, okay?”

At some point, she’s curled up against Sehun’s bare chest and he’s tracing delicate, soothing patterns along the skin at the back of her neck. She peers down with heavy, sleepy eyes at the way Jongin lays flat on his stomach, feet dangling off the end of the bed and his head resting on Sehun’s thigh, his eyes unreadable as he watches Sehun hum tunelessly, his fingers dragging through her hair. Every time Jessica looks downwards, she locks eyes with Jongin, his eyes unreadable, and her chest tightens a bit.

“Why do you two put up with me?” Jessica wonders aloud sleepily, the guilt barely concealed, her eyes drooping closed, and she hears Sehun snort.

She doesn’t hear his answer, since it’s muffled against the top of her head, but she does feel a hand petting her knee softly, and she falls asleep wondering why Jongin never says anything during these kinds of moments, her fingers tightening around someone’s warm fingers.

~.~.~.~.~

She wakes up alone, but that’s nothing new. But when she gets a text from Sooyong about a meeting at Sooyong’s apartment, Jessica rolls out of the bed and decides she needs a shower at her own dorm first.

(Because she smells like them and it’s driving her senseless.)

~.~.~.~.~

A knock at her door makes her jump in place, her eyes widening as she stares at the door, halfway through drying her hair. Slowly, she places the hair dryer on the counter and wonders if it’s Sehun and Jongin, since they’re usually the ones knocking at her dorm door.

Sighing, she opens the doors, speaking before she has it fully open, “Unless you brought me coffee, I’m not forgiving either of you for leaving me alone in the—”

Her eyes widen a fraction of an inch, cutting herself off, before she moves to slam the door shut, her heart pumping in her chest.

He catches the door, his grip tight, and grins even as he easily pushes the door wide open, taking a step into her dorm room.

“Nice place you got here.” He smiles, scanning her room, and she takes an involuntary step backwards before she stands her ground. He sees the moment of weakness, however, and Jessica regrets it immediately, watching in horror as he locks eyes with her, even as he shrugs off his jacket and places it on the tiny coat stand beside the door, as if he’s done this a million times before. “Sorry about not bringing you a cup of coffee, though.”

“Get out.” Jessica snaps, crossing her arms.

“Why?” Zelo tilts his head, towering over her as he stuffs his hands in his pockets, grin lopsided and his lip still cut from earlier. “We have some catching up to do, Jessica, don’t you think?”

a/n: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

i'm back.mp3

As usual drop me any thoughts or anything and I love you all and I'm so grateful for all of you, here's to 2016 being wayyy better than 2015 tbh and I hope yall stick with me for another year!!

xoxo