[sorry - the rose]
[~5k; will edit tomorrow]

seven.

Jessica can’t sleep that night. She just tosses and turns in one of Baekhyun’s guest rooms before she lays sprawled out on her bed, gaze pinned on the ceiling fan and white walls, her eyes wide, wide open. Sleep doesn’t come to her.

(She can’t stop thinking, can’t help but wonder if maybe she had made a mistake, but it’s too late now and she’s taken one too many steps into Zelo’s playing field. She can’t turn around anymore, and she’s determined to power through, to stop him somehow.

She’s afraid, though, that if she closes her eyes, something could happen, to Jongin, to Sehun, to all of them.)

She doesn’t know what time it is when she’s rolling off the bed and tugging on a sweatshirt over her tank top. She can feel the lack of sleep the moment she’s on her feet, her head lolling heavily on her shoulders. She can hear cars honking and the sun peeking through the gaps between the curtains.

She enters the kitchen without really looking at anyone and she’s vaguely aware that Baekhyun and Jongdae are sitting at the table, talking in hushed voices. She plops down into a chair across from them and she can feel the exhaustion in her bones, but she’s still not sleepy, her eyes are wide, and she feels wired. She feels like she does when she used to drink too much, it’s four in the morning, and she’s curled up in the passenger seat of Sehun or Jongin’s car, when she could feel the disapproval radiating off Jongin in waves, when Sehun would match that disapproval with quiet worry that’s just barely there, only present in the way he would drape his coat over her or wordlessly hand her a water bottle, when they’d try so hard to hide their smiles at something ridiculous she says or does, when they’d speak to each other in soft tones and respond to her if she bothered speaking, when she’d stare out the window with big eyes and wonder if maybe they could remain like this, driving, driving, driving, for the rest of their lives, suspended in mundane activity, in the dead of night when gangs, money, the strange looks they’d sometimes get, and their greed wouldn’t matter, when nothing really mattered anymore except for the three of them and when the gas tank would run out.

(But, the world kept spinning and time doesn’t stop for anyone, especially not for undeserving people like them. Maybe for them, but not for her, and that thought alone makes her stomach churn.

It’s always going to be them and me, she reminded herself after those nights came to an end when they drop her off at her dorm or give her the bed and disappear into the horizon or another room together, her chest tight.)

She can feel eyes on her and she looks up, locking eyes with Jongdae first. He looks tired, his curly lips pressed together tightly, and his eyes unreadable. She glances sideways at Baekhyun, watching as he sips at his cup of coffee, his hair standing on end and his shirt buttoned up all wrong.

She blinks as they keep scrutinizing her.

She makes a face before she reaches over and takes Jongdae’s cup of coffee right out from under his nose, before throwing Baekhyun a pointed look, aiming for making him flustered enough to stop looking at (analyzing) her, “You buttoned your shirt wrong.”

Baekhyun blinks, before he glances down, but instead of looking even slightly embarrassed at his ruffled appearance, he just responds with an amused grin and a what-can-you-do type of shrug, “Whoops.”

Sometimes, she forgets he’s the type to flaunt what Sooyong and he get up to because he likes to show her off proudly. Either that or he may or may not be a bit of an exhibitionist, though that’s just a hunch that Jessica (and Mina and Minhee) want no confirmation of ever in their lives. It’s admittedly cute, how Baekhyun refuses to be embarrassed about anything to do with Sooyong—even their detours that got them banned from missions and their inability to keep their hands off each other. They’re always silently taking care of each other, always a collective, never left out of each other’s worries and trepidations. Jessica’s chest twists a bit at that, twists with a bit of jealousy and longing because, well, it’s adorable and so very sweet, especially after everything they’ve been through to get to where they are now, and Jessica can’t relate, doesn’t think she ever will be able to, and it’s disheartening. Instead she’s stuck in a limbo, halfway to pining, always overthinking.

(Sometimes, she wishes so badly that she could relate. She knows that’s not possible, though. Especially not now, not after everything.)

After a beat, Jongdae mumbles a whiny, sleepy, belated, “Hey, that’s mine.”

He reaches for the coffee cup she took from him and she pulls it away from his grabby hands.

She drinks it pointedly and the tension seems to melt away into comfortable, amiable silence, even as Jongdae pouts at her, mumbling under his breath, and Baekhyun laughs loudly. She can tell that they’re watching her, though, despite the change in the atmosphere. She has no idea why, but they keep glancing at her and each other the entire time when they think she’s not looking.

(She wonders if maybe paranoia is a symptom of joining the other side without ever telling your own people, your friends.)

~.~.~.~.~

She hovers outside the room for a moment, just staring at the door, and she gets this sudden surge of I’m intruding at the pit of her stomach the longer she stands there. Her heart feels like it’s being torn out of her chest as she stares and stares at the door.

Her phone buzzes and she feels so utterly conflicted, like she’s on the outside looking in, like she had after everything with him, like her body is hers but it also isn’t hers and she’s just a stranger in a strange body that’s supposed to be her home. Maybe she’s a stranger everywhere, everywhere.

And then there’s the guilt.

She stares at the door and she can still hear Sehun’s unspoken it’s on you.

If he dies, it’s on her.

If he dies, she thinks she’ll drown in the guilt and regret of it all. She won’t be able to look Sehun in the eye.

There’s a soft cough from behind her and she jumps about a foot in the air, her head snapping as she swivels and—

“Sehun.” She murmurs, her heart skipping multiple beats.

The exhaustion is clear in his expression, bags visible beneath his eyes, and his dark hair is messy, sticking up in all kinds of direction. It makes her soften a bit at how sleepy and soft he looks, despite him looming behind her, expression so, so stiff.

He looks at her, his gaze drifting from her head to her toes, the same way she does with him, and then when his gaze returns to meet hers, there’s something there, in his eyes. But then, Sehun averts his gaze, his grip on the glass in his hand tight.

She blinks at him, her breathing picking up ever-so-slightly, even as he takes long strides towards her, angling his body to the side, not once making contact, before he steps past her. She follows his movements with her whole body, blatantly watching him as he opens the door.

He doesn’t say anything, and it feels like he has her heart in a vice-like grip. He’s not saying anything.

He steps into the room and her heart drops to the pit of her stomach as he clutches the side of the door, back turned to her, and the door starts to close.

She blinks and blinks and turns away first because it’s always been them and her, and she knows when she’s unwanted. She knows this is her fault and she shouldn’t make it difficult for Sehun. Doesn’t she already make it difficult enough for him?

She’s already turned away and she hates how her eyes and nose sting. She hates the sudden rush of rejection, same as when Jongin had thrown her out of their apartment, that crashes through her. She hates it.

“Jess.” She freezes, turning to look at him, and Sehun glances back at her before he lets go of the door and steps further into the room, the doorframe hiding half his back. He continues, “Did you want to come in or not?”

~.~.~.~.~

“I’m sorry, Jess. I didn’t mean what I said.” Sehun’s voice is a little hoarse and her eyes snap away from Jongin’s pale, expressionless face to Sehun’s stiff expression.

His eyes drift up, away from Jongin to meet hers and his brown eyes soften, regret and guilt and exhaustion morphing into this gigantic mess of emotions that makes her heart break into a million little pieces, inexplicably so.

She wants to say yes you did because it’s true, what he said was true, it had to be because why else would she agree to Zelo the way she did otherwise? But all she can manage to say is, “It’s okay.”

Sehun looks at her, his soft eyes hardening ever so slightly, and his voice echoes through the room, over the beeping of the machine Jongin’s hooked up to and the sound of his soft breathing, “It’s not.”

Jessica doesn’t say anything.

Sehun steps away from the bed, until he’s standing in front of the armchair she’s curled up in. Slowly, so so slowly, he drops into a crouch in front of her, hands hovering above her knees. He meets her gaze again, a steady look of question.

Slowly, so so slowly, she nods. He places both hands on her knees and he says, tone adamant, “It’s not okay.”

She wants to cry, then, as she looks at him, at his pained gaze, but she can’t. She won’t. She won’t burden him any further, not after this. She bites down on her bottom lip to stop it from trembling as she just nods, gaze steady.

Sehun doesn’t drop his gaze, keeps her trapped there, lingering, lingering, until finally he returns her nod. He rubs circles against her legs with his thumbs, but his eyes are a little hard and she thinks again and again, yes you did, yes you did mean it, yes you did.

She blinks at him, a rapid movement that has his expression melting into one she’s never seen on him, something vulnerable and soft, terrified.

Ever since she’s met him, he’s been a bit of an anomaly, an enigma in her life that somehow managed to break her down, burrow his way through the millions of walls she’s built, and just see her for who she really was. It was terrifying, at first. When she found out he was a part of Exo, knew about Luhan, the hurt she felt was so palpable, she could have harnessed it into a weapon all on its own. But, he was still there after that and he spoke so honestly to her, bared so much, and she found herself unable to stop trusting him, despite everything. He made it a point to tell her that he would spend every day of his life apologizing for what he hid from her. And he was never one to back out on his word. Somehow, someway, he found a way to live on within the millions of walls she’s built, understand her very essence, and it’s terrifying. It still is.

But, there’s something about his gaze right then, the way he looks at her with such intent, that has her clutching her fingers in her lap, her shoulders shaking as she tries and tries to keep the tears at bay. It’s always like this. She tries so ing hard to keep from crying in front of him, in front of anyone, but he’s always there and he always manages to coax her tears out of her with just a single look, a single touch, a single word.

Her chin trembles and his hands release her knees, curling instead around the fists in her lap.

Her eyes flicker up, past his face, and focus entirely too much on Jongin’s pale, unconscious face. Jongin is truly so beautiful, even like this.

Sehun whispers, voice hoarse, soft, almost pleading for a moment, the hole in her chest filling to the brim with emotions she can’t make sense of, doesn’t want to make sense of. “I swear I never meant to hurt you.”

It’s always like that. Sehun never means to hurt her. Sehun never hurts her, he just takes care of her, picks up the pieces of her and puts her back together. Jongin is the one that tries to hurt her feelings, throws her away, and acts as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing. She does the same thing back to Jongin. Even if Jongin tries to hurt her feelings, it never works because he stops midway. He never takes it too far, despite everything, even despite throwing her out of his apartment the way he did. They play off one another and, somehow, it works. Somehow, she finds herself drawn to that. Because, she knows they’d never actually physically hurt her, that Jongin would never actually do anything more than , that the things they do are consensual, that he likes her more than he’d ever admit. But, now, Jongin isn’t here and everything is just Sehun. There’s no balance, there’s just Sehun taking care of her, giving and giving and giving and her taking and no one to receive anything from her or give to Sehun. Everything feels off kilter, broken almost, overwhelming.

She blinks at him and her eyes sting as she tries to make sense of Sehun’s expression, of the desperation in them.

Her eyes flick between his and she whispers, “But, I hurt you. I hurt—I hurt him.”

Sehun is shaking his head, a vigorous movement, his gaze softening, melting like ice cream on a hot day, and she stares at him, tries to understand him, tries to make sense of the emotional whiplash he’s so utterly capable of causing in her. Sehun reaches up, wrapping his warm hands around her clenched ones as he leans in, so he can look her in the eye, head tilting, hair falling into his eyes. His gaze is unwavering, his voice soft, so so soft, and he murmurs, “It’s not your fault. It’s Zelo’s. I was just—I’m scared. I lashed out unfairly.”

The admission is so ing quiet, lingering between them the same way her words were in that room that Sehun and Jongin used to take her to when she needed to be alone. It’s an almost choked sound, breaking halfway, barely audible.

She’s always taking and taking from him and she thinks it’s maybe time for her to give. She’ll give by taking out Zelo, she’ll give by comforting Sehun for once, especially because Jongin can’t do it and she at least owes Jongin that much. She can feel her resolve steeling, can see that Sehun notices it, his gaze pinned on her, watching her, waiting, waiting. She doesn’t know what he’s waiting for.

Maybe, words?

But all she can do is reach up with hesitant fingers and gently, carefully, afraid that if she moves too fast he might disappear, might shatter, under her touch. She lets the pad of her fingertips dance across his cheek, perhaps brushing away at unshed tears.

She wants to ask why he does this, why does he give so ing much and never allow himself to take, to tell anyone how he feels, to unload.

(Deep down, she knows why. Everyone always says she and Sehun are similar. Deep down, she understands.)

Her fingertips press against the curve of his jaw and he turns his head a little, closing his eyes. She thinks he looks like he’s taken a deep, deep breath and he hasn’t exhaled in hours, perhaps even years.

Sehun breathes out, voice shaky, teetering on the edge of something she is almost afraid to see, “Please, don’t leave me alone.”

She nods, nods and nods, and wraps his warm fingers around the hand against his cheek. His hands are shaking.

It’s always her asking that of him. Yet, now—

“I won’t.” She whispers, tracing the line of his jaw with her fingers, her eyes lingering on his expression, his shaking hand.

He closes his eyes.

~.~.~.~.~

Jongdae comes in to sit with them a little bit later. He’s quietly scrolling through his phone and she fights the urge to check her messages, especially when she feels her phone vibrate multiple times.

It’s a strange turn of events to be the one comforting someone, but the tension is somehow less when she does so. She almost feels as if she belongs in the collectivity of them for a moment. Sehun’s curled up in a longer couch Baekhyun had Chanyeol drag into the room, his limbs filling the space to the brim, his head resting in her lap. She threads her fingers through his soft hair, kneading his scalp gently, and his breathing sounds even. He’s sleeping.

Jongdae’s in a separate chair, beside her and she takes the quiet moment to observe his movements as she continues to Sehun’s hair. Jongdae keeps glancing at her and she knows he wants to say something, there’s a look in his eyes, but he’s holding back. After a long moment, he starts smiling at his phone, a fond little smile that has her curious enough to lean sideways and peer at his phone.

He’s staring at a picture of dog, the beautiful reds and golds of a sunset setting over the beach in the background catching her eye. The dog is a pretty, shiny black and it’s huge, it’s furs shaggy. It’s big enough to be scary to strangers, yet soft enough to cuddle peacefully against. The beach in the background is gorgeous, peaceful looking, and there’s sand all over the dog’s face, its tongue lolling out as it seems to light up at having its picture taken.

“Whose dog is that?” She asks, breaking the silence.

Jongdae jumps a little, startled, and she grins at his reaction. Jongdae makes a face, but he’s still smiling softly.

“He’s my friend’s.” The way his expression softens a bit at that makes Jessica raise a brow, the nosiness Minhee instilled into her coming through just a bit.

“Oh, your friend.” She repeats, insinuation settling over the last word. She’s glad for the distraction and Jongdae doesn’t seem to mind, indulging her with a tiny smile.

Jongdae raises his brows at her, snorting at her implying tone. “Yeah, my friend. We don’t talk very often but she’s always sending me dog updates.”

She can’t help the small smile, “Dog updates? Can I see?”

Jongdae grins, nodding, and she knows Jongdae knows her well enough to know that she is asking for a distraction, a break in the silence, in Sehun curled up in her lap and Jongin unconscious in the bed.

So, Jongdae tilts his phone towards her and scrolls through it, pulling up pictures of the dog when it was just a tiny puppy, barely bigger than a palm. Jessica can’t help but aw out loud at the sight and Jongdae laughs, clearly amused by her reactions. Sehun shifts a little at the sudden noise, but otherwise, he remains sleeping. She continues to his hair as she watches Jongdae lovingly show her pictures of the beautiful black dog.

There are a lot of pictures of the dog as a puppy at the beach, of the puppy dressed in various Halloween costumes, from Spider Man to a pumpkin, of a pretty blonde cuddling the dog alongside another pretty woman with long dark hair who kisses the pretty blonde’s cheek, eyes loving as she stares at both the blonde and the dog. They look like they’re dating, and Jessica figures this friend isn’t anyone romantically involved with Jongdae. She’s a bit disappointed because she was hoping for some material to tease Jongdae with.

“What’s his name?” Jessica asks, peering curiously at the picture of the couple and the dog, sitting up straighter.

Jongdae’s still smiling that tiny, soft smile, but this time his eyes sadden a bit. He murmurs, “Uncle Ben.”

“Like from Spiderman?” Jessica can’t help but laugh.

Jongdae laughs too, “Yeah.”

“It’s a cute name.” Jessica concedes. “Who doesn’t love Uncle Ben?”

Jongdae smiles, though it is infinitely sadder now. Jessica can tell that there’s something more there, something painful. There’s a look in his eyes she never really sees—he’s always been so good at treating her with kindness, at never quite faltering in the positivity he radiates. She knows he can be terrifying when he needs to be, when he’s Chen, but this is different. This is a side of Jongdae she hasn’t ever seen, a side she doesn’t really want to delve into, not when he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it. It reminds her that she is not the only one with ghosts crowding up her days.

So, Jessica quietly murmurs, “Thank you for showing me the dog updates.”

Jongdae just nods, smiles softly. He reaches out and pats her head before he reaches down and ruffles Sehun’s hair as well, Sehun scrunching up his nose, even in his sleep.

“You should get some rest, too, Jess.” Jongdae says.

“I will.”

She doesn’t. They both know she won’t.

~.~.~.~.~

It’s late, really really late, and she knows she shouldn’t be out here. She shouldn’t have left Sehun alone, but she’s never seen Sehun so upset, nor has she ever dealt with a helpless Jongin, just lying there, tan skin void of color, as if he’s sleeping, or worse.

She pulls the hood of the sweatshirt over her head. It smells faintly of Sehun, or maybe of Jongin, she isn’t so sure because their scents sometimes mix, and she has a hard time deciphering between them. It brings her comfort, though. It feels like they are both there, both so present, when in truth, they’d both kill her for even being out here, for sneaking out just to see Zelo.

(She can’t stop the regret, the fact that she’s still always taking from Sehun and can’t even keep a single promise to remain with him when he’s so upset. She can’t even do that, can she?)

Zelo is waiting for her, leaning back against his expensive sports car. He grins at her, tilting his head, and she notices the bags under his eyes, the exhaustion lining his face, despite the resentment and anger that has settled into every bit of expression, morphing it into something that reminds her so immensely of Yongguk the days leading up to his death.

Zelo doesn’t even greet her, he just slips into his car at the sight of her, watching her, waiting as she goes around and grasps at the passenger’s side door. She hesitates, for just a moment, her phone vibrating in her pocket, before she takes a deep breath, because she is doing this for them, to stop Zelo on her own, to remind him of who he was—as Junhong.

She slips into his car, glancing down at her phone.

From: Sooyong

Jess please call me as soon as you can. It’s not an emergency I just want to talk

Jessica sets her phone on silent, stomach churning all the while.

She settles into the expensive leather seat while Zelo finally speaks, “How is Jongin doing?”

There’s something so mocking, so biting, about his words.

Jessica blinks at him.

Zelo is smiling, all teeth.

Jessica murmurs, “What do you think?”

Zelo just laughs.

~.~.~.~.~

Zelo, she realizes, trusts her a bit too much. Either that, or he doesn’t give a about putting all his cards out on the table for her. She doesn’t know which she is worse, his absolute trust or his absolute disrespect.

She doesn’t know what’s worse, having to meet Zelo in the middle of the night or meeting an ally of Zelo’s she has absolutely no intel on whatsoever.

He calls himself Taeyang. He has a perpetual smile on his face and a confident gait to him that unnerves her, despite how much smaller he is. He is too friendly, too kind-looking, despite the conniving look in his twinkling eyes and what she can guess about him just from being here.

He spins on his heel, arms wide open, as he turns his back to her—the ultimate sign that he does not see her as threat at all—gesturing at expensive loft in one of the richer parts of SM Town. He walks to a table and swiftly, smoothly, pours out three glasses of expensive red wine. She finds she hates him and his forced, grandiose gestures already. She’d rather deal with someone who’s just straightforward.

He plops down on a leather couch, legs sprawled out, taking up space, and wine glass balanced precariously in his hand, arms draped over the back of the couch. Zelo takes a seat across from him, pose exactly the same, though it is slightly more contained, slightly more respectful. She finds she hates this part the most—this manner of taking up space that men in her profession always do. She always wonders if they are overcompensating for something.

She places the wine glass on the glass table between them, untouched, and folds her arms over her chest.

Taeyang tilts his head, eyeing her. She scowls as he says, “Jessica, right?”

She nods, glancing sideways at Zelo.

Taeyang laughs, catching her glance. He waves a hand, smirking, and she makes sure to hold his gaze. She knows that back down from such a thing is like yielding, submitting, and she will not allow this person to think she is somehow inferior to him or that he can push her around. that. He says, “Oh, Zelo’s told me a lot about you and I’ve heard of your interesting…relationship…with Exo.”

She raises a brow, but he pauses, clearly waiting for a response. So, she bites out, “And, what about it?”

He snorts, glancing at Zelo. “She’s a feisty one. I can see why you want her on your side, kid.”

Jessica’s scowl deepens. She opens to say something, but Taeyang cuts her off.

“I don’t care what your feelings are for them. I only care about what you can give us, and it seems your connections are worth it.” He takes a slow sip of his wine, before he tacks on, casually, “I won’t be killing you any time soon, so you can rest easy.”

She glances at Zelo and he doesn’t even react. Maybe, Junhong is completely gone and she’s gotten herself into something she really shouldn’t have. She says, “So I don’t have to pretend to like you, then. You already know I’m being blackmailed with the lives of my friends.”

“Of course, of course. You have too much to lose and it’s easy to exploit. Yada, yada. We all know that.” Taeyang nods, sagely. She frowns, staring between Zelo and Taeyang. She never thought Zelo would tell everyone she didn’t want to be on his side right off the bat. It seems like a strange strategy. He’s just throwing all his cards at her and she has no idea how to deal with this sort of straightforward game. It’s too blunt, too obvious. They’re so ing confident and it’s beginning to scare her.

(What if she’s way in over her head?)

“But, you’re a weakness of theirs. A very deep, very glaring weakness.” Taeyang hums. He swirls the wine in his cup, eyes distant, the frown creeping up his expression jarring. It seems out of place. “A few years ago, Exo ambushed us during a hit in China. They claimed we were encroaching on their territory, which was bull, and they broke the rules. And then—then those little bastards killed one of my—” He coughs, eyes tearing off the red wine and she thinks of the wine as blood. It certainly looks that way, especially with the way it stains his lips. A grin spreads across Taeyang's face, stretching it wide, “We want revenge. An eye for an eye, as they say. You understand, don’t you, Jessica?”

She doesn’t justify him with a response. He just smiles, so very pleasantly. Jessica turns to Zelo, murmurs, “Why did you bring me here?”

“Your friends have a lot of powerful enemies.” Zelo says, with a shrug. “I want to show you who we have on our side.”

There is something so sinister about that, about Zelo smiling so similarly to the way Taeyang is smiling, for Jessica to know all this about Zelo, know that he does not feel nervous at all about letting her know the details of his plans, the logistics of who.

It shows that Zelo is certain he will succeed.

She is ing way in over her head.

a/n: I guess today is the day I remember all the fics I totally fORGOT ABOUT ????? This chapter is super short and not entirely pivotal or eventful, but I felt bad for not updating, so here you go! I need to get back into the swing of this but I hope you all like it. TT

also, I needed to finish the jongdae/oc fic (silver river) from this series first before continuing this because a lot of things from there are answered here :-))))) also, this fic is going to run pretty short, maybe 10 to 15 chapters in total.

aNYWAYS IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS I LOVE YOU! thank you!!!!!!! it's been more than a year omfg...i seriously don't deserve any of you guys ksdjnksj