Hey, Gang! How are all of you today? I felt pretty wired after napping earlier and waiting for da bae to wake up, so I decided to update this story. Before you all jump out of the nearest window, I promise it's not bad :-P For those of you still reading, hope you enjoy it. 

I stand by my previous opinions on love. And to add that, I will say this:

Love is an itch.

Sure, you can scratch it. Nails can graze across flesh in their hapless bid to stop that tickle and vain prickle of irritation. But try as you might, the itch ultimately cannot be abated. It only grows, and with it, a rash blooms across your skin in maroon degradation. The wound festers till the tickle settles in your bones.

That is the state of love gone unanswered for so long.

Love is supposed to catch you; it’s supposed to be underneath you to break your fall with its cushioned buxom of hope. But even that hope is depraved in itself; when you choose to love the wrong person at the wrong time. That love turns into the very thing you end up despising about yourself.

That’s how I began to feel in light of Irene and I parting ways for the time-being. I knew it was for the best, for both of us. We both needed time to heal and time to rectify a bad error in judgement. But still my stubborn heart persisted with its cruel and merciless joke, tricking me into loving her even more.

That’s when I really began spiralling out of control, consumed with thoughts of misery, despair, jealousy, resentment and rage.

Why did it have to be her?

Why did I have to fall in love with Irene?

Why can’t she love me back?

Why doesn’t she love me back?

Why can’t I stop?

I had hit rock bottom. And despite how some people brag about the aesthetic advantages that such a state might bring to a person, I myself found nothing truly remarkable about it, save for its relentless and unwavering continuity. And it took everything: my hope, my joy, my mind. Everything was just gone for a time after that.

And slowly, certain people began leaving the equation altogether, like pawns on a chess board moved into the final sequence of victory. First my roommate Joy left New York and moved back home to New Hampshire to take care of her ailing father who had developed cancer in the past year. Then Irene left soon afterwards due to receiving a scholarship at Seattle University for a writing programme she had applied to months ago.

I was very sad to see both of them go, feeling particularly miserable for myself and the lonely existence I would soon be leading in New York City without two of my closest friends. But all in all, I think I played my part well and tried to be as supportive as possible, helping each of them wherever I could while they prepared for their various journeys.

My friends and I managed to put together two very intimate farewell parties for Irene and Joy in the space of two weeks, since they were both leaving within days of each other. We went to Coney Island for the day for Joy’s farewell party and everyone rode the various rides at the amusement park in our attempts to enjoy the time we had with Joy before she had to leave. When I wasn’t pretending to have a good time, I bought myself a corn dog and sat close to the pier watching the bumper cars as the amber sun dipped back over the horizon.

Joy didn’t want to make a big fuss for her going-away party. So her boss agreed to let us rent out a private room at the bar where she worked and we set up a table filled with ingredients for every alcoholic beverage imaginable. Then as a parting gift, we commissioned Joy to make one last drink before she gave up bartending for a time. She proved more than ready for the task and mixed a chocolate martini in a flash amidst all our raucous cheering.

“Drink, drink, drink!” Xiumin called out in a booming voice afterwards. Even though they never hooked up, it was nice to see that he and Joy were still tight.

Joy rolled her eyes and chuckled at Xiumin’s antics. But instead of doing what he asked, she promptly handed the drink over to me.

“Why are you giving me this?”

“Because it’s a party and your needs to get drunk.”

I quirked an eyebrow at Joy’s words. “Since when do you let me get drunk without a boring lecture taken straight out of ‘Dateline’?

Joy punched my arm while I cackled in a mocking manner. “It’s true, I gave you a hard time about drinking before, but only because you were new to the city and going through a rough patch at the time. But you don’t need me to do that for you now.  I know things have been pretty for you lately, but I also know you’re gonna be ok. You’ll come through this in the end, so drink up and be happy tonight, Baby Bird.” She murmured, giggling while crying steadily.

That last part tugged on my heart strings in a big way. Joy and I had just started watching Undateable. But now that I have no one to watch it with, what was the point of even recording it on the PVR? This majorly blows.

I took my first sip of the drink she made me: the alcohol charred the skin in my throat, much like Joy’s tough love when it came to my screwed up life decisions. But the chocolate kissed my tongue and left a sweet taste in my mouth, which was just like the love and tenderness she’d always shown me in our friendship.

And after that first sip, I set the drink back down again and forgot about it entirely while hugging my friend instead, making both her and myself a silent promise not to ever let alcohol control me, no matter how bad things got in my life. Then she hugged me for the longest time and let me cry on her shoulder for old times’ sake.

After that night, I ended up organising most of Irene’s farewell dinner without even having to see her, a feat in itself. I think she was also doing her part to get ready for her trip and stay out of my way. I was grateful that she was giving me time to heal, but I still missed her terribly.

I was in the middle of putting some fudge on a decorative plate that I’d baked when I sighed heavily. It reminded me too much of the time Irene slept over and I helped her bake fudge for the first time. There were too many happy memories attached to her and nowhere to put them in my lovelorn heart.

Wendy heard me sigh and her eyes crinkled with sadness. We were standing in the kitchen of the restaurant we’d booked for the night for Irene’s dinner and I was holding up our progress with my melancholy.

Damn my stupid lovesick depression.

“Hey,” Wendy stepped closer and gingerly took the plate of fudge out of my hand and set it down on the table in front of me. “Are you doing ok, Seulgi?”

I smiled and chuckled, but the actions felt so hollow, liking making my soul drag itself around with chains. “I’m fine, Wendy.”

Wendy shook her head and grinned wryly; on her, any smile would’ve been brighter than sunshine.

“No, you’re not. For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry things didn’t work out with Irene.”

So Wendy knew how things had gone down between me and Irene. Perfect.

Wendy blushed at my blank expression and began stuttering nonsensically. “Irene didn’t say a whole lot, just the basics. And even then, she was pretty reluctant to say anything. I could just tell that she was hurting a lot over it, over you. That’s all I wanted to say – that you’re not alone. And um, if you need anything…I’m here.”

Despite my crappy mood, I couldn’t help smiling just a little at Wendy’s quirkiness. It was nice to know that some bright spots still existed in my depressing existence.

“Thanks, Wendy. I just want to get over her and be fine again-”

Wendy surprised me again by pulling me close and hugging me tight this time. The pressure of her hands wrapping around my back caught me off guard, making a hard lump of misery and comfort form in my throat. It wasn’t long before I gave her arm a gentle squeeze and felt tears running down my cheeks.

Wendy’s eyes swam with unshed tears when she pulled away and kissed me on the cheek instead.

“You’ll be ok, Seulgi. Embrace the hurt first, it’s the only way to let happiness in again.”

I really wanted to believe her words. But all I could see before me for the future was a barren wasteland of broken possibilities.

Irene’s farewell party took place at a small bistro in the city. All our friends and some of Irene’s cousins came. I was surprised to see Xiumin and Kai there; then again, Irene had seemed close to them even while dating Suho. And they were always pretty decent to her the entire time, so I guess it was ok. It was still trés awkward ending up at the buffet table at the same time as Kai and trying to chit-chat about the upcoming elections happening in the States. Jesus, I’m really going to think twice before I go drinking alone again.

I spent most of the night avoiding Irene too, but for a different reason. Truthfully, I was waiting for the right moment when I could get her alone and offer her my real farewell, along with a small present. The present itself wasn’t too ostentatious; it was fairly simple, unlike her birthday present, which I had searched for far and wide throughout the city a lifetime ago. When the opportunity presented itself and there weren’t so many people swarming around her, I took Irene gently by the hand and led her somewhere quiet just outside the bathroom so we could talk.

“Done ignoring me, are we?” Irene asked cleverly with a smirk on her face.

I chuckled nervously in response and ran a self-conscious hand through my hair. “Pretty much. I wanted to give you this away from prying eyes.” I offered in what I hoped was a neutral voice.

Irene laughed at my serious demeanour before taking my present from my hands. “Can I open it now?” she asked in that irresistibly sweet voice of hers.

“Of course, go for it.” I replied graciously with a gesture of my hand.

Irene went to work on the delicately wrapped object, not being careful at all this time with opening it up since it was fairly small. Her eyes widened in surprise when it was revealed to be a glittering gold pen.

“It’s just a little something for those days when you’re not using your laptop as a platform for your writing. I have a feeling this will be worth a lot when you hit the big time as a seasoned novelist.” I declared sincerely, a small smile playing on my face.  

“It’s just a creative writing programme, Seulgi. It doesn’t mean that it’ll turn into something more.”

“I beg to differ. Look at the inscription on the back.”

Irene acquiesced and turned the pen over. There were words engraved in black calligraphy on the smooth and shiny surface.

“For happy thoughts and everything good that comes your way,” Irene read out in carefully measured words. “That’s beautiful,” she murmured softly, staring off into space for a moment.

“It’s just a little something from one budding writer to another,” I offered somewhat nervously.

“This is a really thoughtful gift. Thank you, Seulgi, for everything.”

Then she moved closer and engulfed me in a warm and friendly hug, which only lasted for a few seconds. But when she made to pull away, I decided that I wasn’t quite ready to stop touching her as I pulled her close and kissed her fiercely on the lips. Somehow I ended up pushing her against the wall adjacent to the bathroom door and my hands slotted perfectly on her hips as our noses and tongues clashed together in a feverish stream. For a few seconds, she responded in kind, placing her hands on my shoulders to steady herself while she kissed me back just as willingly. For the brightest, loveliest moment, my heart almost felt whole again. But then she pulled away and I felt pretty foolish afterwards.

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok."

“Reflex,” I teased lightly, causing her to laugh in turn.

“We should probably head back,” she noted quietly.

“Yeah,” I agreed and followed closely behind her as we walked back inside and disappeared into the throngs once more.

We ended up in Times Square after Irene’s soirée somewhere close to midnight, roaming aimlessly around the brightly lit streets without a care in the world. While everyone else ran and skipped ahead, Irene and I lingered behind, walking slowly and leisurely. Having pushed my luck to the limits during the night, I entwined our hands together and she in turn rested her head on my shoulder as we walked along.

And so began my cathartic journey towards recovery and hopefully, future happiness. 

It's probably not what you all exactly wanted, but Seulgi didn't jump out of a window either. And I threw in a little Seulrene kissing and Seuldy fluffy times, that's something, right? Right? ...right? ;-D I have one more chapter and an epilogue to get through before this story is done. I'm sorry if it bummed out, well, all of you. But I'm Snapplelinz: some of you already know by now how much I love my angst. But you also know that I'm full of good surprises too, so hold onto that silver lining just in case <3 Ok, I'm off to bed now. Gonna teach my first lessons in Historical Consciousness and poetry circa Dylan Thomas for my teaching practical tomorrow. So this is what it's like to be a grown-up, dunno know if it fits my immature personality, lol. Take care of yourselves and don't drink when you're sad. I won't be there to stop you when you're singing 'Hotline Bling' in Noraebang, just saying :-P Pip pip cheerio,my pets!