Hey, Gang! Where ma dogs at? *DMX voice* I hope some of you in the world had a wonderful Easter last weekend, I'm still struggling to eat all my chocolate eggs and bunnies :-P Thank you so much to everyone who subscribed and commented with my last update, you're all so awesome :-D Please remember those words for future reference and that I am a giant kisser, that is all. Enjoy!

The next month after that dreaded conversation with Joy passed me by in a blur. I spent as much time as I could get around Irene. But the more I enjoyed her company, the more that my roommate’s words continued to haunt me until they tasted like bile in my mouth. No matter how I tried to ignore it, those words soon became like a talisman around my neck, haunting my every thought each waking day. I didn’t sleep well at all during that period of time, tossing and turning mindlessly, indecision running amok in my chaotic brain.

How had it reached this unfortunate conclusion? Wasn’t I destined to find someone to love, someone to love me back? Didn’t I deserve that? It all seemed so futile. Every turn I had taken in my life these past few months seemed to have been the wrong one all along. How could I not have known, not bothered to have stopped and taken stock at any given moment? Was I really delirious with the force of my love-torn obsession with Irene?

What have I become?

It didn’t help that Irene began to avoid me bit by bit as time progressed. I had an idea of what was bothering her, but I didn’t want to face the truth myself.

We hadn’t gone to any great lengths to define our current relationship, if you could even call it a relationship. As far as I knew, we were still friends, at least I hoped for that simple dynamic. But we also seemed to do certain things that only couples did, like going out to eat regularly, holding hands occasionally (sometimes in public) and kissing. But we didn’t do more than that. I’m not sure who was more afraid to cross another invisible line out of the two of us: her or me.

I didn’t want to do anything to make her uncomfortable in the least; at least that part of my brain seemed to be in concurrence with my better intentions. But where did that leave us? It couldn’t go on like this. So far, I hadn’t pressurised Irene into making any definite decisions, but I needed an answer.

We both did.

So naturally I put it off for as long as possible, disguising my abstractly pensive thoughts with a few well-placed jokes and well-meaning attempts at joviality. But I knew that my sanity was gonna give eventually, and I wouldn’t be able to fool myself anymore, much less anyone else.

I went to work every day, corrected numerous online articles with a practised , saw my friends occasionally and spent most of my nights with Irene, either at my apartment or at her cousin’s place in the city, which she had moved into a short time ago. But as I soon discovered, happiness is always short-lived, an interval between horrific moments of clarity which barricaded you from the front and the rear, clamouring for attention.

That’s how it was for me at any rate when I wasn’t happy. I’d gotten so used to being downtrodden from every turn that Irene wanting me as a suitable companion (even as just a friend) just didn’t make any sense to me at all. What does she see in me? It certainly can’t be my not-so-subtle stabs at humour bordering on masochistic self-deprecation.

Then what was it? How could anyone stand to be around me for longer than 5 minutes at a time, even my roommate?

I was fairly easy-going, but would always succumb to sporadic bouts of jaded depression at any given moment. And when I got like that, the only things I could manage doing for long intervals at a time was blinking and breathing, and those quickly became tiring. With the way things were going lately, I was close to quitting my job and becoming a love-starved hermit. I don’t think I’m fully depressed in medical terms. I still enjoyed my favourite pastimes, like outdoor activities and writing, which in itself was its own addiction. But I felt stuck somehow, in desperate need of resolution in any form.

Things finally came to a head after that disastrous month with Irene and I roleplaying having a real relationship. Instead of either one of us coming right out and just saying what was obviously on both of our minds at the time, we argued instead, a first. Most of the time, we made it up with gentle caresses and soft kisses that led to delirious hours of blissful ignorance. But on other occasions, we went without speaking for days on end before one or both of us eventually caved with a disgruntled apology. Even now, I still don’t know what to make of it. Were we just venting out our frustrations on each other due to our complete lack of adequate mechanisms for honesty and courtesy?

At least Irene had somewhat of an excuse; she’d just suffered through a bad break up and thus wasn’t capable of treating anyone with sensitivity just yet, the wounds of her own heartache still fresh and festering. But what was my excuse? Was I somehow inadvertently acting out because I secretly resented her for not loving me back? Absurd, and yet, there was no other logical explanation for both our strange behaviour towards each other. It was all so confusing and dramatic, this had never happened to me before. And I didn’t have the faintest clue of what to do about it. All I knew for certain was that it couldn’t go on like this forever. If we didn’t put an end to this madness, we were going to drive each other insane and grow further apart.

“Stop!” I shouted when Irene looked about ready to start yelling at me.

We were in her cousin’s apartment (her cousin was having drinks with friends uptown), standing a few centimetres apart, getting ready to go out to dinner. But we had started arguing instead, or were just about to when I had called an unexpected time-out. Irene looked genuinely surprised, as if she had honestly expected me to continue arguing with her.

I almost felt like laughing at the bizarreness of the situation.

“What are we doing here?” I asked with weak laughter, feeling self-conscious by my sudden outburst.

“We were arguing, just like we have been for the past month.” Irene pointed out sardonically.

“Yeah, I still don’t know how that happened. I don’t even like arguing with you; in fact, I hate arguing with you or making you unhappy in any way.” I returned in a gentle voice, resting my hands on Irene’s waist.

“That’s where you and I are entirely different, Seulgi. You’re decent and kind; I’m not, all I do is lash out at people constantly.” Irene fumed in a self-deprecating manner.

“I’m not always decent and kind; most days, I’m just downright sarcastic mean. And you don’t always lash out at people; you’re one of the gentlest and sweetest people that I know.” I chided soothingly while running my hands along the planes of her hips.

“I wish you wouldn’t say things like that to me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not true. I’m not gentle and sweet; I’m insecure, selfish and petty. I don’t know what you see in me. I’m just not good for you,” Irene answered sadly, looking me dead in the eye.

“But that’s not really the problem, is it, Irene?” I asked, my hands moving towards her face and her cheek with my fingertips in an abstract manner.

“What do you mean?” Irene questioned, her eyebrows furrowing in bewilderment.

“It’s not because you feel like you’re not good enough for me. It’s the fact that you don’t feel anything near enough for me on the same level as what I feel for you.” I responded earnestly.

“How can you say that to me?”

“Because it’s the truth.”

“Well take it back!” Irene shot back furiously, leaving me momentarily stunned.

“Which part, Irene? Do you want me to take it all back? Do you want me to start working on a time machine right now that will put me back in Seoul where we’re just friends and none of this ever happened?!” I shot back, finally losing my temper after months of quashing it completely.

After the words had leapt brusquely from my lips, the truth reached out and slapped me hard across the face like an invisible hand.

This is what I’d been gearing up for all along.

I hadn’t been preparing myself for winning Irene’s heart; I had been readying myself to break it. Not just her heart, but mine too.

This is what it came down to. I knew it would come to this in the end, the moment when I would finally own up to my error in judgement and eventually give it up as a lost cause.

I was minutes, possibly seconds away from giving up on her and letting her go, for good.

Irene looked stung at my words and I knew that the spell was finally broken.

Something broke inside of me and I felt hot tears coursing down my cheeks at the prospect. It didn’t help that she took a decisive step away from me the closer I moved towards her. When the back of her knees finally hit the sofa, I cornered her and wrapped my arms around her, sobbing quietly while I hugged her tightly. I felt Irene relent underneath me and was intensely relieved when she hugged me back. When I finally pulled away, I saw that we were both calm enough to talk about everything.

“This is all my fault. I should have never started all of this when I kissed you. It just messed everything up between us when the truth was that…my feelings for you weren’t as intense as yours were for me. I just wanted to make it hurt less for you. Instead, I made you hurt even more.” Irene confessed bravely, the first of her tears falling during the course of the night.

Her words hurt me deeply, but it hurt more seeing how miserable she looked after her confession. It must’ve taken every vestige of courage to admit it to me, let alone herself. I wasn’t about to throw it back in her face, not after everything I had done to cause these chain of events.

“This isn’t your fault, Baechu, and I don’t ever wanna hear you say that again. This is my fault, I should’ve been satisfied with your friendship. I was selfish and I confused you; I turned a perfectly good friendship into something it was never supposed to be. You’ve been through a ty three months and I should’ve been there for you like a true friend instead of making the burden heavier on you. And for that I’m terribly sorry, I hope you can forgive me.” I pleaded in a morose voice.

“Seulgi, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. This happened between us and there’s nothing we can do to change it.” Irene replied in as reassuring a voice as possible.

But I couldn’t leave it at that. We’d finally gone down this road together, I needed to make this right and see it through to the end.  

“Yes there is. We can stop going down this destructive path, starting tonight. I won’t bring you down with me anymore, Irene. I love you too much to do that. I just can’t do this anymore,” I declared, feeling a relentless burn in the back of my eyes.

More tears fell from Irene’s eyes while she contemplated what I was trying to say. “What do you mean?” she asked wearily, but without much conviction in her voice.

“Whatever this is between us, whatever’s been going on…we have to end it. It’s for the best, Irene.”

Irene nodded rapidly in turn while I tried my best not to hate her for the fact that she agreed so quickly to my terms.  

“You’re right, it’s for the best. Are we still friends?” she questioned weakly, a slight tremor evident in her voice.

I sobbed quietly while grasping her cheeks in my hands. “Of course, that’ll never change. It may take me some time to finally get over my feelings for you, but we will get past this. I promise you that,” I whispered fiercely, my grip painfully tight on her skin.

“I love you.”

“I know you do. But it’s just not enough.”

Irene gasped softly and placed her forehead against mine while closing her eyes tightly, tears running seamlessly through the gaps between iris and skin. And all I could do was hold her and whisper that I wasn’t angry and that it was going to be ok over and over again. But I couldn’t know that for sure. One of my talents wasn’t being able to foresee the future, much less one that contained happiness in it. Perhaps for Irene, but certainly not for me. It felt like there was no way forward from here, only a slow progression downwards into the abyss where misery and madness were old, cynical lovers. But I couldn’t tell her that; this was one secret I would just have to keep to myself.

“I’m so sorry,” Irene whispered frantically while she gripped me tightly until I felt the faintest of bruises forming on my arms.

“I’m sorry too, more than you’ll ever know.” I replied with just as much desperation.

“I think I have an idea,” Irene offered in what sounded like a sympathetic tone.

I said nothing in response, but held onto her still, knowing this would be the last time she’d ever let me come this close again. I needed to savour it, imprint the memory into my mind so that it never disappeared. Even when I eventually got over her, I needed to still have this: the knowledge of what it’s like to have loved and lost. And right now, I was definitely on a losing streak.

And then the talking finally stopped, replaced with impenetrable silence. Irene led me into her bedroom and guided me to lie down on her bed. I wasn’t even aware that I was shuddering violently from the force of unsung tears struggling to leave my body. And then she was lying next to me in a heartbeat, her arm draped around my stomach in familiar fashion, trying her best to still the worst of my outburst. For just a moment, it was easy to pretend that nothing had changed and that there was still time left, time for her touch to set my senses alight. In spite of my pending grief, I still felt deliriously deluded about everything that had transpired. My foolish heart was still my only friend, guiding me relentlessly on towards the horizon of buoyant despair.

The beginning of the end was fast approaching. 

Just to be clear, the last sentence doesn't mean the end of the story is coming just yet, there's still a little more to cover. With that said, I hope you guys don't hate me too much. But if you do, it's ok, I am being very mean in my pursuit of writing an unrequited love story :-/ What can I say? Sometimes, this is exactly how life goes: you meet someone amazing, there's some kind of connection, but in the end, it doesn't always go your way. But I hope you all will remember some important lessons about Life and Love: sometimes your heart breaks into shards and it's difficult to pick up the pieces afterwards (believe me, I know). But you do eventually move on and it is possible to be happy again. So when you do find true love with someone who just gets you, hold onto it and treasure every single moment :'-) More of Seulgi's journey is coming soon. Wish me luck as I do my very first teaching practical at a local high school for the next 5 weeks, I'll try not to be a stranger. Be good, my pets, and don't break too many hearts while I'm gone. Pip pip cheerio!