Hello, Shoppers! I am an evil troll for leaving you all hanging with this story for months *blushes sheepishly* I've been swamped lately after starting my new teaching certificate, which lasts for a whole year. And I've had some other *cough* fun distractions to occupy myself with too that made me fail to update this story sooner. Now that the grovelling's over (or just beginning depending on how forgiving you all are), here's a new update. Enjoy!

George Bernard Shaw once said that there are two great tragedies in life.

One is to lose your heart’s desire.

The other is to gain it.

I didn’t realise just how true this statement was until I was right in the midst of the disarray caused by my own hand, torn between two explicably impossible choices.  The heart was not to be trusted for all the money in the world. Besides just being decidedly fickle, it is purposely miscalculating in its every endeavour. And me, poor pitiable fool, was only too happy to let mine lead me astray in exchange for the promise of fleeting happiness, which satiates the craving for a time just to create a gaping hole in one’s chest after it was through devouring you in turn.

But still I remained blissfully unaware for quite some time to the danger, especially that night when Irene kissed me and I finally let myself go entirely. Unlike other occasions before this, she actually opted to spend the night after a considerable absence. I still remember the sense of trepidation in my very bones after I had changed into my pyjamas and I walked slowly to my bed and climbed underneath the covers. I half expected Irene to bolt from the room and out of the front door, never to be seen again. But with a surprisingly calm exterior, she stripped down to her T-shirt and a pair of boy shorts that she was wearing underneath her jeans before she climbed in beside me. I gingerly reached over towards my pedestal and switched off my bedside lamp, plunging the two of us into instant darkness. And then we didn’t speak for a long while, each of us lost in our separate tumultuous thoughts.

“You still awake?” I asked softly into the impenetrable gloom.

“Yeah,” Irene replied, matching my tone. I could just make out her silvery silhouette in the blackness, lying a few millimetres away from me, staring abstractedly up at the ceiling. “You?” she asked back after a few seconds.

“I just asked you,” I retorted comically, pleased when her scintillating chuckles drifted into my ears.

“Sorry,” she apologised lightly.

I chuckled in turn, showing her that I wasn’t annoyed with her in the least. When my laughter had finally died away, it was replaced with that nagging fear that had been plaguing me since we first got into bed together. “Do you regret it?” I asked seriously, referring to our kiss (or several kisses) that we had shared during the course of the evening.

“Do you?” Irene shot back unexpectedly.

“No. I could never regret you, Irene. Not on any level,” I responded in a surprisingly calm manner, as if I’d known exactly what to say all along.

“I feel the same way,” Irene concurred after pausing for about two seconds.

“Are you sure?” I pressed anxiously, desperate to know once and for all.

“Of course. I care about you so much, Seulgi. In some ways, you’ve become my…‘person’.” Irene offered gently.

“Your ‘person’?” I asked quizzically, shifting onto my side so I could look at her.

“My go-to person. The person I can talk to about pretty much everything in my life right now. It doesn’t even matter what we’re doing together half the time, I just like being with you. You just…‘get’ me.” Irene continued on in a pensive voice.  

“You ‘get’ me too.” I replied earnestly, my hand reaching blindly for hers in the darkness.

Her fingertips were cold. But when her hand gripped mine just as tightly, the ice slowly began burning into my skin in a mad frenzy, making the intensity of my feelings all the more pronounced, even with Irene lying in such close proximity to me.

“I’m glad,” she whispered back earnestly.

Then she inched closer to me and moved her head onto my shoulder, part of her body draped across my leg and hip, her hand still in mine. I used my other hand to bring her infinitely closer to me, wrapping around her waist. Her other hand mimicked mine and rested on my stomach as we lay there together.

“Me too,” I whispered before leaning down and kissing her temple gently.

“How long have you felt this way about me?” Irene asked softly from somewhere beneath my chin. “Has it been the whole time you’ve known me?” she pressed.

“Not the whole time. For the first few months that I knew you, I did just think of you as a friend, nothing more. You could’ve married Prince William and had a summer wedding and it wouldn’t have bugged me at all, honest. But that changed after a while and I realised that I was starting to feel…more.” I admitted carefully, afraid I’d scare her off any time soon.

“Is that why you moved to New York? To be closer to me?” Irene questioned seriously.

“In part, yes. Mostly, I just wanted to get away from Seoul and start over somewhere new. But I wouldn’t have realised I wanted that or even put the necessary plans in motion if it hadn’t been for you. I wanted to meet the girl who had opened up my eyes and my heart to a world of possibilities that weren’t possible before. I wanted to be able to know her better and somehow repay her, even in a small way.” I confessed abashedly.

It seemed dangerously easy to admit any of this to her, especially when we were lying in the dark together and I didn’t have to look her directly in the eyes.

“That’s the sweetest thing that anyone’s ever said to me.” Irene whispered back while she nuzzled even closer into my neck. 

And just when I was beginning to get comfortable with her close proximity, Irene drew away from me as if she had been burnt.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned anxiously, afraid she was having second thoughts.

“That time when Suho and I celebrated our one-year anniversary, you went out drinking and ended up sleeping with Kai. Was that because of me as well?” Irene asked seriously of me.

I hesitated momentarily before finally answering her. “Yes.”

“Seulgi, oh my God! It’s bad enough that you were so reckless without any of this between us. But you did it because of me!” Irene exclaimed in a shrill tone. “You could’ve gotten pregnant or an STD,” she added in horror, as if hearing the story for the first time.

“I know it was a stupid and idiotic thing to do. I’m never gonna do something that reckless ever again, I promise. I was just really sad about everything because of how my intense my feelings were for you at the time. And I saw you moving on with Suho and I just wanted to do something careless so that I wouldn’t have to think about the two of you together for just one night. I’m really sorry,” I murmured sincerely.

“So am I, for making you feel that way.” Irene added morosely.

“Stop blaming yourself, it’s not your fault, Irene. You didn’t make me say or do anything I didn’t want to say or do in the first place. It’s in the past,” I reassured her lightly, pulling her back into my arms.

“Yeah, it’s in the past now.” Irene agreed softly, sinking comfortably in my arms as we lay there together in silence.

I didn’t know what any of this meant, a part of me didn’t want to know at all. So I did what I do best: I grabbed haplessly at any shards of happiness that chose to embed themselves in me, letting blood trickle from the cuts that it produced.

The following morning was quite an interesting affair. Joy had returned to the apartment very early in the morning from what I’d surmised and obviously hadn’t been aware that Irene had slept over. She was made aware of the fact when the two of us sat down to a quick breakfast in the kitchen table and Irene joined us a few minutes later, rubbing her bleary eyes, wearing her clothes from the night before. I would’ve laughed at the look of shock on my roommate’s face if the scenario hadn’t been completely surreal in itself.

“Morning,” Irene greeted somewhat awkwardly, staring between me and Joy.

“Morning,” both Joy and I chorused in unison, my greeting more warm while Joy’s greeting still mirrored her innate surprise.

“Want some cereal?” Joy offered courteously, holding up the box of Coco Pops for Irene to inspect after recovering her good manners.

“Sounds good, thanks,” Irene responded genially as she took a seat in-between the two of us.

I instinctively got up and grabbed a third mug and began making Irene a cup of coffee with enough sugar and milk in it, just the way she liked it. Then I placed it in front of her as I sat back down again.

“Thank you,” Irene murmured gently, flashing me a small smile that made my heart swell in my chest.

“You’re welcome,” I replied, returning her smile as I began buttering her toast.

I could tell that Joy’s face was a myriad of questions at this sudden dynamic between me and Irene just from catching her eye sporadically during breakfast. The atmosphere on the whole wasn’t overtly awkward, but I had a feeling that Irene might be feeling tenser than usual, unsure of how to act around me with a third person present. I myself was feeling the same thing. Joy was my roommate and I considered her to be a good friend, but this would be very difficult to explain, even to her. I was having a hard time explaining this to myself.

“I should probably get going. My first class of the day starts in 40 minutes.” Irene announced abruptly, getting to her feet after finishing her coffee and cereal.

It was a relief to have that crazy tension end, but devastating nonetheless when I realised that I’d finally have to let Irene leave my apartment.

“See you around, Joy.” Irene mumbled, giving my roommate a half-hearted wave.

“Yeah, you too. And preferably not with ‘ hair’ next time too,” Joy remarked through a mouthful of Coco Pops.

Irene blushed crimson at the implication of Joy’s words and I wanted to melt into the carpet out of sheer embarrassment. It was all I could do to shoot my roommate a quelling glare and not comment further on her blatant choice of words as I got up from my chair too and followed Irene out of the kitchen. I walked with her to the front door and opened it for her, my hand resting briefly on the door knob.

“Have a good day,” I greeted sincerely, my eyes boring into hers.

“Thanks,” Irene murmured. Then she leant in and kissed me lightly on the cheek before pulling away just as quickly. “Talk to you later,” she greeted softly.

And then she started walking slowly down the hallway en route to the elevator. I watched her go for a few seconds before sighing loudly, half in bliss and immense misery before closing the front door again. I walked back through the living room and into the kitchen, where I felt sure that Joy was waiting impatiently for me. The two of us nodded wordlessly at each other before Joy finally launched into what she’d obviously been itching to say all through breakfast.

“So…Irene slept over.” She noted with drawn-out syllables.

“Yes she did,” I confirmed with a nod of my head.

“So what happened last night? Last time I checked, you were sticking to your plan of keeping things between you and Irene on a strictly-friends-only basis.” Joy went on in a guarded tone.

“That was the plan…until she kissed me right before we were supposed to go to the movies last night.” I responded as stoically as possible.

Joy’s eyes widened to the size of saucers at this declaration.

“She did what? She kissed you? Really?” she asked in awe.

“No one’s more surprised than me. And I’m the one who wanted it to happen.” I offered lightly.

“But how did it happen? I thought you were pretty sure that Irene didn’t reciprocate your feelings.” Joy continued hurriedly.

“I thought I was. But she caught me off guard completely because she didn’t want me to keep pretending about my feelings for her. She said she felt guilty about hurting me.” I offered seriously.

Joy looked less than pleased about these startling turn of events. “So that’s why she kissed you? Because she’s feeling guilty?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I don’t know…”

“Seulgi, what are you doing with Irene? You know this can’t end well, right?” Joy demanded seriously.

“How do you know that it can’t? I’m tired of always coming off second-best in every scenario played out in my life. She cares about me, Joy.” I countered vehemently.

“I know she does. But she’s not in love with you, Seulgi. She doesn’t feel the way you do, no matter how much you try to convince yourself.” Joy persisted gently.

I wasn’t even aware that I had gotten to my feet in my sudden excitable mood until Joy was behind me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder as a sign of solidarity. I didn’t want to believe her or accept that she was right, but deep down I knew all too well. But convincing my heart of that and following through on doing the right thing were two very separate entities.

“There’s another problem too,” Joy noted after a few seconds of silence.

“What’s that?” I asked with reluctance curiosity.

“Irene’s still getting over her break-up with Suho. So even if she does like you as more than a friend, she might just be on the rebound.”

I hadn’t even thought of that. Was that rat bastard going to continue ruining my life in some subtle way?

“How did things get so screwed up?” I asked more of myself while glancing up at the light bulb overhead.

“It always gets screwed up, especially when your heart’s involved.” Joy offered with a nonchalant shrug.

“What am I gonna do, Joy?” I asked seriously, turning to face my roommate.

Joy smiled wryly back at me before squeezing my shoulder gently. “I think you already know the answer to that question,” she remarked quietly.

“Knowing and doing aren’t always mutually exclusive,” I pointed out sardonically.

“It is in this case,” Joy replied firmly, her eyes locked on mine.

“All I want to do is make her happy; I thought that would make me happy too.” I declared haplessly, feeling myself deflating bit by bit the longer I talked.

“You make your own happiness, Seulgi; it’s not dependent on someone else. The less time you spend letting someone else dictate your worth to you, the happier you’ll be.” Joy advised sternly.

“You don’t like Irene, do you?” I questioned shrewdly just as Joy turned away to leave the kitchen.

My roommate turned me back to face me and I was startled to find unshed tears swimming in her eyes.

“It’s not that at all. I like Irene a lot, and I wish she was the one who could make you happy, because you want it so much. But life isn’t like a dream, Seulgi. You have to wake up eventually, that’s just how it is.”

And one final mournful look thrown my way, Joy exited the kitchen and went to her bedroom, leaving me standing in the same position.   

I knew Joy meant well and I knew that despite her confusion, Irene really did care for me. But all of these good intentions were doing more to mess with my head and make me question what was real and what was fake.

I sat back down at the kitchen table and my fingers over the mug that Irene had drunken coffee from just minutes before. It still felt warm; and yet, I could already feel the heat rapidly disappearing from its ceramic surface. Like a ghost passing through me and leaving me feeling cold all over.

The thought brought tears of frustration to my eyes and I pressed my hand to my forehead to still the sudden loneliness which swept through my bones.

Why was it impossible to be goddamn happy for once in this life?

Lol, I know this was short and pretty hopeless in parts. But come on, Irene dressed for bed like the y beast she is must've cheered you up a little ;-) And now I have to get back to planning a lesson on World War II for my History class tomorrow. I'll do my best to keep this story current again - wait for me, won't you? Stay safe and fly for the month. And eats lots of Easter eggs for me - I'll live vicariously through you since I'm broke and can't afford chocolate :'-) Pip pip cheerio!